Chapter 15
As I step into Drian’s house, I realize that he must be quite rich or quite adept at his work. The walls all have silver hangings, and the tables and chairs all look close to new. He even has a settee in his sitting room. Although there are few windows, the entire back wall is made of marble, which must have cost a small fortune for him to have shipped from much further south. Two other boys and a girl lounge in the chairs and settee, all well clad. When we enter, the girl rises gracefully, but I can tell she’s not fae. Her movements are too heavy, her steps too loud. Still, she slithers towards up, her almost-white hair braided onto her head like a crown.
Dark green eyes glimmer at me suspiciously as she slips her arm through Drian’s and pulls him towards the sitting room, pressing herself closely against his chest. “Drian, who’s this? You didn’t mention that you were bringing a guest. And why’s she wearing your mask? What’s she got to hide?” Her voice positively drips with jealousy, and I clench my right hand into a fist. When my seal ring brushed my palm, my heart skips a beat as I realize I never took it off. Trying to stay calm, I force myself to listen to Drian’s reply.
“-I trust her, and that’s all you need to know! Why are you even-” The girl quiets him, and they go back to whispering about me. Instinctively, I collect heat into myself, ready to incinerate them at a moment’s notice if I have to. My attention turns to the two other boys on the settee. They study me, looking curious, and I stare right back. They lose interest in me quickly and go back to talking and drinking something from a tall, thin bottle.
As I study them, a sudden realization comes over me, and I blurt, “You’re Unseelie!” Turning to the girl, I say, “Except you, you’re not fae at all.”
Drian turns to me and raises an eyebrow, but before he can say anything, the girl chips in. “Marvelous you noticed, sweetheart. Now, if you’ll give us a second, the grown-ups are talking.” She flips a strand of hair off her neck, standing taller, with a smirk on her face.
“Cora, be nice. Just the fact that she noticed says something about her, don’t you think?” One of the boys on the settee stands up and walks over. “I’m Anson, and that’s my brother, Keenan. What’s your name?” He sticks his hand out for me to shake, the commoner gesture of greeting.
“Ria,” I say. I don’t dare lift my hand to his, lest he see the ring on it, so I stand there stupidly, staring at him.
The girl – Cora – doesn’t lose any time attacking me over it. “Too good for us, are you, Ria?” She sneers at me.
Taking a step closer to her, I meet her gaze in silent challenge, entirely fed up with the events of the day. “Well, I don’t know about them, but I am certainly too good for you.” I grace her with a small, mocking smile as I say the words.
“Can’t say different about you. Who was your mother, a common peasant or a whore?” Tossing a superior smile to the boy still sitting on the settee, who looks amused, she turns back to me. “You don’t look any better than that, anyway.”
Unexpectedly, her insult makes laughter well up inside my chest. When I catch Drian’s eye, he looks as though he’s suppressing a smile, too. As Cora goes on about breeding and bloodlines, I start to giggle, and Drian presses a hand against his mouth, trying in vain to stop smiling. As we both start to laugh, Cora falls silent and stares at us like we’re mad.
“What is so funny?” Her expression grows angry, and she flips her hair over her shoulder, turning away and muttering something about pigheaded boys.
Drian sighs as she leaves, rolling his eyes after her. Glancing at the brothers on the settee, he flicks a dismissive hand towards them. “Get out, this is none of your business. Come back in a few hours.” One of them looks annoyed, but they oblige, slipping out obediently. Suddenly, I notice that his street speech is gone. Now he sounds almost like a noble- but not quite. I furrow my brow, trying to figure him out.
“So, who’d you steal this house from, Drian?” I let my fingers trail along the edge of a huge mirror that hangs on one of the walls.
He grins at me, revealing dimples. “No one. I’m quite rich, you know.” He walks towards the door that Cora’s disappeared behind. “None of it earned honestly, of course.”
I smile back, following him. “Of course not.” My doubt begins to fade away, and I let go of some of the magic I hold.
When we enter, I realize that this must be Drian’s bedroom. Cora paces out on the private balcony, her pretty green dress lying in a puddle on the floor. She wears a dark blouse and leggings, now, and her hair whips in the breeze. Drian calls her back in after asking me to sit.
Eyeing me, he says, “Cora, she can help us.” They lock gazes, having a silent conversation. I take the opportunity to glance around the room. There’s an abundance of velvet, and an expensive bottle of wine sits on the nightstand beside a tiny gold lamp. How rich are you, Drian?
Cora’s voice shakes me out of my thoughts. “How exactly are you willing to help us? We don’t need money or manpower.” Her voice still holds a tinge of disapproval, but she seems mostly reconciled to my presence.
I shrug. “I wasn’t aware that I’d agreed to do any-” My voice cuts off as I glimpse a streak of red shimmy up the balcony.
“Are you alright?” Cora’s voice drips with disdain as she waves a hand in front of my face.
“I’m fine, it’s just…” I trail off as I walk to the balcony. “I could have sworn that I saw someone here a second ago.”
Drian immediately goes on alert. Drawing a dagger- not mine, thankfully- from a hidden pocket somewhere, he spins it in his hand, spinning it with lethal grace. “Who’s there? Show yourself!”
Cora rolls her eyes even as she puts a hand to her belt, where a pair of gleaming hinting knives hang. “There’s no one there, Drian.” Casting an annoyed glance at me, she adds, “Besides, she’s probably mad.”
Drian shakes his head, stepping further out onto the balcony. “It’s best to take precautions in any case. We don’t need this house to be discovered, too.”
I step out after him. “There. I saw someone come up your balcony there.” Drian goes closer, to inspect it, just as a figure drops down from somewhere above. I step back, startled, and try to draw my dagger before remembering that it isn’t there.
The person, whoever it is, is clothed entirely in scarlet. A scarlet cloak that hangs over their shoulder pools on the white tile, not unlike fresh blood, and I barely keep from shuddering. Drian, though, seems to relax a bit, lowering his dagger. “Captain? Is that you?”
I look at the figure. Captain? Who is this? The person reaches up and draws back their hood, and I gasp in shock when Arianna’s reddish-gold eyes meet my own. “Wha- what- how-” I stumble over my words, so taken aback I don’t remember my audience until Cora clears her throat.
“You know Captain Kensen, Ria?” Cora’s voice positively drips with disbelief as she turns to stare at me. Drian greets Arianna, gesturing for us to come inside before closing the thin glass doors to the balcony.
Arianna cuts in to answer Cora’s question when I can’t come up with an answer in time. “Ria and I are… old friends.”
Drian snorts. “Right. She didn’t crew for you, and she certainly didn’t know you from before you were a pirate. That would mean that you’d met her in the last year, and seeing how I was with you nearly the entire time, you’ll see how I don’t believe me.”
Arianna raises an eyebrow. “But she did crew for me, Drian.” Her voice grows more and more threatening as she says, “I’ll also thank you not to question what I say, understand.”
Raising his hands up in a gesture of surrender, her says, “Of course, of course.” He hands her a flask, which she happily uncorks and drinks from, sitting down. He waits for her to finish her drink before saying, “So, why are you here?”
She shrugs, meeting my eyes in a mischievous smile. “I came because I wanted to inquire about a certain… sale I made nearly a year ago. Do you remember it?” Drian looks confused for a moment before understanding sets into his face. I’m still lost, and seeing my face, Arianna says, “The gria’thh. I sent Salian with it…” Her voice trails off as I blanch, suddenly feeling sick. Arianna came here to find out if my mother bought her poison directly from Drian. I could be sitting in the bedroom of the boy who brought my world crashing down around me.
Drian spares me a glance before he shrugs, returning his attention to Arianna. “I remember it- how could I not? Salian refused to tell me where the hell you got it from, though.”
She nods, throwing an apologetic glance to me. “I told him not to. But that’s not why I’m here. Do you remember who you sold it to?”
Cora raises a delicate eyebrow before slipping out of the room like a shadow, gesturing for me to follow her. I ignore her, concentrating instead on what Arianna and Drian are saying.
Drian runs a hand through his hair. Tossing a frustrated glance my way, he hesitates to speak. Arianna, tossing a curl out of her face, cuts in, “You can trust her, you know. This pertains to her, too.”
He frowns. “I take it you don’t know who she is, then.” Taking a deep breath, he starts to say something, but I summon a fireball to my hand in the blink of an eye and hold it, ready to throw.
“You promised you wouldn’t tell anyone. Is that really what your word means to you?” My lips are curled into a snarl, and even though Arianna already knows who I am, I’m angry that he’d give up my secret so quickly.
Arianna rolls her eyes, seemingly disinterested. Lowering her voice, she whispers, “If you mean that she’s the princess, I know of that. Don’t flatter yourself.” To me, she says, “Put the fireball down, would you? You can trust him not to kill you.”
I shoot back, “Apparently I can’t trust him to keep a secret, though!”
Drian rolls his eyes angrily. “Like you ever trusted me to keep it! Besides, even if she hadn’t known you, she’d have figured it out. I know about her appearance at the castle the other night, you know.”
Arianna stands up, somehow intimidating enough that both of us cease our bickering and turn to her. “We do not have time to waste on such petty things. Rionach- we have a matter of days to do this, last I heard. Every second counts. Are you so willing to waste your father’s life? You shouldn’t have even left the palace, much less come here. You have work to do. If you want me to help you, then you need to deserve it, do you hear me?” She takes a step forward. “And you, Drian- what were you thinking? What if I hadn’t known who she is? You’re smarter than that. You didn’t earn your title as the Prince of Thieves by being so stupid.”
No one speaks for a moment. Sighing, I break the silence, relenting first. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just-” Lindon reaches out to me through the link, making me stumble over what I’m saying.
Are you alright? I’m at the castle now. We have a diplomatic meeting to attend in a few hours, remember? Why aren’t you here yet? He sounds worried, even in my head, and I allow myself a small smile.
By the Triad, calm down. Arianna’s here, alright? I’m fine. This thief has some connection to the gria’thh my mother has been giving the king. See if you can get the meeting postponed?
He replies with an affirmation and falls silent. I’m amazed at how quickly we’ve grasped how to talk with the link- stories of past linked pairs tell of weeks of confusion and pain before the bond solidifies.
When I return to the present, I find both Arianna and Drian staring at me, looking utterly confused. Laughing a little at their expressions, I take a seat. “Alright. Arianna, you say I can trust him?”
She nods. “I know him well, believe it or not. You can trust Cora, too. She’s been with him forever.”
I nod. “Can he help us beyond telling us about the poison?” Drian stays silent, letting Arianna talk for the moment.
“Probably. He’s got connections I don’t have across Valkyr.” Arianna shrugs. “I probably would’ve brought him in at some point, to tell you the truth.”
“Very well.” I take a moment to collect my thoughts before saying, “Let’s get on with it, then.”
End of chapter
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There are a few fluctuations in tense nearing the beginning of the chapter. Keep an eye out for those. I'm also a big fan of any and all yummy description, but the first paragraph is a bit of a blockhill where sentence structure is concerned. Try varying the length a bit and also play with syntax. A simple example is that of how you use the subject + verb + object arrangement in: ''He even has a settee...'', which could be rephrased to: ''A settee takes up most of the space in his small--albeit well-furnished--sitting room.'' You could also mix things up by utilising sensory description in-between the paces. For example, when the narrator talks about the lack of windows, you could talk about the /effect/ the lack of windows have on the room--that allows for you to play with atmosphere, as well as effectively varying the syntactical arrangement of sentences! This is how you /could/ play with it--apologies for my taking liberty with editing this, but you can edit as you see fit, of course~
My edits:
It's not a very good edit, but it should get my point across. I did three things here: A] I shuffled the SVO arrangement and made the object the subject, so instead of focussing on the windows as merely existing, we explore what function they serve. B] I added a reaction to the the observation, effectively breaking up the relentless tide of description with an action that reminds us of Ria's current standing in the described setting. And C] I used a little trick called ''cause and effect'', which is something I tend to ramble about too often than is good for me. What difference does the marble wall make to the room? Does it make Ria incredulous? Does it surprise her? Impress her? What physical enhancements does it add to the room's size--does it make it look smaller, or bigger, or is it just overdone? These are very small things, but they /do/ add to the moment, so consider working on them.
I really like how you wrote Cora. Her jealousy is really obvious and I like the way she and Ria interact--there's a load of life in it. Them losing interest in Ria is kind of silly, though, because Drian just went through all the trouble to get her here and is now ... ignoring her? Which doesn't make much sense, because wouldn't they want to talk to her or whatever, for whatever reason they brought her to their place? I feel like it's easy to sometimes lose track of what characters' motives and plot-threads are during LMS, because of the gaps in writing, but Drian asked Ria if she wanted to ''meet these mates of his''--and his actions don't really correspond to his behaviour? It's just this moment that threw me off a tad--when Arianna makes an entrance, we realise the connection, but I'd've liked to hear what Drian wanted to ask Ria as well, and why he thought she'd be willing to help.
Also, imo, Ria came with Drian too quietly. She's just been poisoned--wouldn't she be more on her guard? It just strikes me as a bit too convenient.
ARIANNA. I like how you write Drian and I like how you write Arianna and how their personalities are so distinct and wonderful. Good stuff.
Keep writing!
~Pomp x
Hey, there! Lefty back for another review.
I'm surprised, based on how good this story is, that there are still so many chapters in the green room. What's up with that? This deserves way more attention. Anyway, onto the review!
I'm impressed with the depth you've put into your characters and the complexity your story has. Even though this is only the second chapter I've read, I can tell you've put a lot of work and thought into this story.
Every character I've read so far has been distinctly different from the next. Even Cora has a very clear personality and way about her, despite how little she's been in it thus far.
I only found one typo this time, which was:
I think you meant "you" instead of "me" at the end?
Okay, onto a couple nitpicks.
This sentence struck me funny because it changes tenses. If "brushed" was turned to "brushes," I think it would flow a bit better.
Using "spin" twice in the same sentence sounds a little repetitive. Maybe saying he "turns" or "flips" it in his hand would help it flow better.
Given how well you described what's going on and how Ria feels, I think the word "shock" is unnecessary. The point comes across just as well without it.
I think that's all the nitpicks I've got for this chapter. Which of course, are all just personal preferences. This was a very important chapter and I can tell this is where the plot really starts to get interesting. It's exciting and leaves me wanting to know what happens next. I can almost sense a reluctant alliance forming, which given how their personalities both blend and clash, could make for very entertaining future chapters.
Still loving your descriptions and all of the characters. Great job! I'll be around to review chapter 16!
-Lefty
-This review was brought to you by Team Sub Zero-
(We won't stop reviewing until the green room hits zero)
What is up Queenie? Here to offer a little bit on this newest edition to my favorite work in progress I've been reading (don't ask how many I'm reading...) and drop some wisdom - what little I have.
I cannot do my normal thing anymore. I just can't. Your writing has improved so much since I first got hooked in chapter one. Your sentence structure, the flow of your words, your wonderfully descriptive vague imagery is just what I like to see. All I can give you are insights about story.
You know I love it, but this story could go a little faster. I feel like not much has happened in the whole 15 chapters. Or conversely, I feel like you're putting in too much. Let me explain myself a bit:
You need to consider the size of the finished product. So far this story to me is not something that can be stretched to a 50-chapter Tolkien-sized epic. I can sense the climax of the story approaching, and after that there really won't be a whole lot of wrapping up. What I'm saying is you need to decide what the ending is going to be and get there. Write your ending now. Anything else you want to add in between now and then you can put wherever you want and make it as long as you want. But as a reader, I can't really get a grasp on how much is left or what else can happen. You already have included some scenes that are key to the story: discovering her father is poisoned, her and Lindon's bond, and the thing with that vampire jerk are just a few. If you are looking for a longer book, you need to space these things out. Think about other novels you enjoy: did everything happen in the first 15 chapters? Probably not. Only one or two really big events usually happen in that span. So to keep the pace you've already set, you are going to need to have lots more stuff before this all ends. The danger of that is that the reader may lose track of what the goal is in the first place.
We've gone from she's worried about her dad to she's doing weird magic with Lindon to now she's in Drian's house and I cannot see the connection. Make sure everything ties together and doesn't read more like 15 different short stories that tie into each other.
One other thing you might consider is this: when you are done with the book, have the finished first draft in front of you, try switching POVs. This is a very complex story, and a good way to provide information in a way that is not overwhelming but still fast paced would be to switch who's eyes we see through. It could be chapter to chapter, inter-chapter, whatever. But it is something to think about. Don't do it now, but once you're finished here you can go back and say to yourself "Ok, how else can I say this."
I hope I made sense. Basically I can sum up like this: Things are getting complex and you need to work on not losing sight of where you're going next. The reader may be getting to the point where so much as happened that it's hard to take in, so spread stuff out. And finally, decide your ending now. Fill in the blanks later.
PM any questions. I'll try to answer more clearly than I said it here.
Your fan,
~Q
P.S. WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH DRIAN?
NO IDEA