Thrallmagic: Chapter 4

by TheCrimsonLady

Published August 3, 2015

E - Everyone

In Thrallmagic

Chapter 4

When I open my eyes, the man is gone. Sighing in relief, I shade my eyes from the glaring sun and set off back to the castle. The few people that notice me simply nod, or bow slightly before continuing on their conversations. One of the guards falls in behind me, but I dismiss him with a flick of my hand, not wanting anyone to know where I go and what I do. Lord Nikolas’s rooms are on the first floor, and when I come to his door, I don’t knock, but slip inside, hoping that this looks more like a romantic rendezvous than a group of people plotting treason. A sound comes from the inner room, suspiciously like something shattering, and I loosen my sword from its sheath, just in case.

Hearing yelling, I tighten my grip and put my ear to the door, listening. A girl’s voice reaches my ears, too muffled to understand anything.

Something else shatters, and I wince. A man's voice yells, "Well, too bloody bad! I'm not going to let my little sister protect me. I can take care of my-"

The girl answers, this time louder. "What, so just because I'm a girl, I can't be as strong as or stronger than you? Face it, Nik, I have more resources, more people, more knowledge than you!"

“Don't spew nonsense, Arianna! You've been in the middle of nowhere for the past half a year!"

Arianna growls. "I have not been in the middle of nowhere! I've been trying to get my men back!"

Suddenly, the room goes silent before Nikolas laughs harshly. "Your men? The only man you care about is your blasted lover."

Her voice drops lower, and I can't make out what she says, but the sounds of a fistfight soon erupt from behind the door. I consider going in, but when they get closer to the door, I back away, not wanting two enraged people to find me spying on them. The door opens, and before I can disappear, Arianna walks out, closely followed by Nikolas. Nikolas's face has a thin cut on it from Arianna's hook.The room behind them is an utter mess as far as I can see. Both of them stop arguing and stare at me. 

Arianna is the first to speak. Her voice sounds odd as she speaks. "Have you been... listening the whole time?"

I look around, suddenly feeling like a child caught stealing honey. "Perhaps?"

Nikolas eyes me. "Exactly how much did you hear?"

Pulling myself together, I meet his eyes and say, "Only the last bit."

Arianna leans against the wall, crossing her arms. "Why are you even here, your highness?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Last night, I was Rionach. Why the formalities now, your majesty?" My sentence grows progressively more sarcastic as I speak.

She shrugs. "Rionach, then. Why are you here?"

Taking a deep breath, I ready myself to ask for her help. "I thought about what you said last night."

Uncrossing her arms, she plants a hand on her hip and inspects her nails, looking utterly uninterested. "Which part, Rionach?"

I smile wickedly. "The part where you offered to help."

When she looks at me, she doesn’t try to hide her interest in my words. “Good, then. I can have my men report to-“

I shake my head. “Not what I want, Arianna.”

She studies me, as if surprised. “Well, what do you want?”

Avoiding giving her an answer just yet, I say, “I checked with Captain Wyrnson about what you said, about him wanting me on the throne.” Her eyes go wide, but before she can say anything, I continue nonchalantly. “Of course, I didn’t come right out and ask him, but we have agreed to meet tonight.” Studying a strand of my hair, I wait for her to reply.

“Well, Rionach, you are just full of surprises, aren’t you?” Her voice is guarded, and her expression contemplative. “Why are you telling me this?”

I let the façade drop. “I want you to be there. Somehow, I think we can figure something out between us three.”

I turn to leave, but Arianna speaks before I can. “What are you trying to do, Rionach?”

Looking straight at her, I say, “I’m trying to do the right thing. Meet us at the eaves of the forest at midnight, tonight.” Shutting the door quietly behind me, I practically run to my chambers. Trying not to think about what’ll happen to me if we’re found out, I call for a bath. Finally, I take my armor off, giving it to a maid to take to the armory. Before getting into my bath, I dismiss all my ladies except Serafine. Giggling, they run off happily.

This time, the water steams in the bath, and as I scrub the dirt off of myself, I rack my mind for ideas. Thinking of nothing, I step out and dress for the council session. Just thinking of it makes the pit of my stomach fill with nervous butterflies. Dealing with our mortal enemies in a setting where screaming matches regularly took place isn’t very reassuring, not to anyone. Taking a deep breath, I stare at myself in the mirror, silently trying to talk myself into this. Serafine pulls two pieces of my hair back and pins them back to keep my hair out of my face. My skin is unusually pale, and my eyes are wide with fear. Sitting down on my bed, I close my eyes and try to calm myself. After a while, I sit up, mask on, and leave to go to the sanctum sanctorum, where the council session will take place.

When I reach the doors, Lord Doirclann nods to me as he hands his sword belt to the guards outside the door. Violence being strictly forbidden inside the sanctum, everybody must disarm before entering. I hand my dagger to guard, it being the only weapon I have on me. Lord Doirclann and I both say the ceremonial words that will grant us entrance to the chamber inside. “I do not intend to harm anyone or instruct someone else to harm them while I am inside the sanctum.”

The guard bows to me and opens the doors for us. Striding inside, I take my usual place next to the head of the table. A servant brings me wine, and I take a long drink, observing the room. With considerable surprise, I see the vampire soldier with his lady. I wonder how important they are, since a common soldier would not be permitted here.

A mad laugh startles me out of my thoughts, and I look to see the Unseelie Court’s prince throwing his head back and laughing. Catching my eye, he winks, and walks over. Sitting down, he crosses his legs on the table and leans back in his chair.

“How’ve you been, princess? Still all shut up inside that head of yours?”

Tartly, I reply, “I’ve been fine, Lindon, but how’ve you been? Has your ego smothered you yet? I thought it would have killed you by now, seeing as it’s so big.”

He laughs again. “Ah, Ria, you are a worthy opponent.” Draining the goblet of wine he’s given, he gestures for more before going on. “Tell me, darling, how does it feel to finally be declared princess heir of the Seelie Court?”

“It feels the same as before, Lindon,” I say dryly.

“Liar. Just because I was declared before you doesn’t mean you have to be jealous of me, you know.”

I snort. “You’re one week older than me, not a century. Tone it down a bit, would you?” The door opens yet again, this time with the vampire prince. Glancing behind him, Lindon sighs, and gets up. “I’d better go before my father starts scowling like his face’ll fall off.” Kissing my cheek, he whispers, “Meet me at the gates at sunrise, love. I’ll make sure you have a good time.”

Rolling my eyes at his retreating back, I trace circles on the wood wondering how to get away tomorrow. The vampire prince walks toward me and bows, thankfully keeping me from thinking too much. Nodding politely, I gesture to the chair opposite to me. “Please, sit, Alexander.”

He nods his thanks before speaking. “Would it be much trouble to explain to me who that was, princess?” Since he seems genuinely confused, I tell him.

“That is Prince Lindon of the Unseelie Court. He leads the Wild Hunt, and on the rare occasion that he’s here, at Seelie, his father forces him to attend council.”

Alexander nods. “And why is it that each faerie before me repeated the exact same words about not harming anyone inside?”

“Before entering, each faerie must say that they do not plan to destroy the peace. Since we cannot lie, it’s been an effective method.”

He looks around before nodding to me. “I didn’t think of that, but yes, I suppose it is.”

Before he gets up to leave, I ask, “I was wondering if you’d like to go for a ride after the Council session, your highness. You can bring your men if you wish.” His expression turns to one of surprise, and I add, “Consider it an offer of goodwill, if you please.”

Smiling he says, “I’d be delighted, your highness.” He goes to the opposite end of the room and sits in one of the chairs that are reserved for visiting dignitaries. As I watch, he and Lindon strike up an animated conversation. Shrugging, I go back to analyzing my mother’s words from this morning, but the doors swing open, and the room starts filling. Mother appears, and takes father’s usual seat, and I suppress the pang of nervousness about what I plan to do.

When everyone’s here, she calls for silence. All twelve of the clan heads and their heirs are here, and although there are no guards or weapons in sight, the tension in the room is thick. I watch silently as a scribe accounts for everyone here. After my mother calls the council into session and introduces the issues at hand, I stand and ask for permission to speak.

My mother stares at me incredulously, but grants me permission. Shutting out the nervousness, I open my mouth and utter the words I know will throw the room into a frenzy. “Your majesty, I would like to ask why you have not yet told the council of the poison that has caused our lord king’s illness.”

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Pompadour
Review
Pompadour wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2015

Hi, hi! Here for a Review Day review~

I don't have anything to mention, actually, for this chapter aside for a few scruples I had with Arianna's character. I love Lindon and how you've characterised him. Fantastic stuff. The pacing is also good, and the writing style's acquired a delicious fluency. I do, though, wish that the background on Arianna was more of a concrete-vague than a vague that is simply hard to grasp. How does she still have men willing to fight for her when she abandoned her post as queen half a year ago? Who's been running her kingdom in the meantime? Nikolas? I know she mentions that she's been 'trying to get my [her] men back', but ... if she didn't leave she wouldn't have to do that in the first place? How does she have more resources than her brother? You don't have to be clear on where she's been, but I just cannot understand how her decisions reflect her current set of motives. She sounds like a little girl instead of the cool and collected (and somewhat intimidating) persona she appeared to be in chapter two. Make your readers trust in her as a character--she needs consistency. I do think she's intriguing, and she's fascinating and unreadable--but that is not all that should constitute her character, aye? Just something to look out for in the redraft~

Besides that, everything looks good, 'Rora! I'll get to the next chapter, erm, hopefully soon.

Hope this helped. Keep writing!

~Pomp x

User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review Review · Nov 29, 2015

Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

When I open my eyes, the man is gone.

A few things here. First, if I remember correctly, at the end of Chapter 3 the man is already walking away. So he's already gone by the time this happens, for all intents and purposes. Another thing, whenever a new chapter is started, it's always a good idea to use people's names/titles instead of pronouns. At least just at the beginning. That way no one will be confused who's who.

Both of them stop arguing and stare at me.

I wish you would've taken more time to describe this reaction. There are so many different ways that Nikolas and Arianna could be looking at her. What were the emotions on their faces? Annoyed? Surprised? Angry? I can't decide what their reaction would be. This is a great time to really dive into the character development, focusing on the relationships between all of these characters. Especially since Rhia just met Arianna the night before (yes? I'm second guessing myself xD). It seems that we should already know their relationship, but we haven't been able to really explore it yet. It's the little bits of scenes like this where the most characterization happens. Take advantage of that. I know that since this is for LMS you're writing it quickly, but keep it in mind for edits.

One thing I've noticed throughout these chapters is that there are a lot of names/titles being used in dialogue. Like in the conversation here between Rhia and Arianna. Reading through it, I've noticed that maybe it's intentional, since Rhia put such a focus on Arianna calling her Rhia instead of your highness. However, I notice it in later conversations as well, including those in later chapters. Dialogue can always be hard to write because the pressure is always on making it realistic. One thing to always consider is how often people really use the name of the person they're talking to. From my experience it's usually just for emphasis or in order to get their attention. It gets a bit repetitive after a while when it's in dialogue so much.

Looking straight at her, I say, "I'm trying to do the right thing. Meet us at the eaves of the forest at midnight, tonight." Shutting the door quietly behind me, I practically run to my chambers. Trying not to think about what'll happen to me if we're found out, I call for a bath.

This last sentence quoted here should start a new paragraph. Where the dialogue is, Rhia is still at that room after just finished talking with Arianna. Then she's all the sudden in her room calling for a bath. That's a pretty important setting change and the separate paragraph will set the two apart.

I like the air of mystery here with Nikolas and Arianna. There's obviously something going on here, but they're not ready to tell Rhia. The fact that we don't know either really builds upon that mystery. I feel like I'm right there with Rhia suffering through the same things she is. This novel works so well written in first person.

A mad laugh startles me out of my thoughts, and I look to see the Unseelie Court's prince throwing his head back and laughing.

There's a considerable amount of sensory details missing from this sentence. When I first read through it, it seemed like the prince was just standing there by himself, laughing at something no one knew about. There's obviously more to it though. Who is it that cracked the joke to make him laugh? Who's around him while this is happening? Put him into the scene rather than trying to build the scene around him. That way you'll have all the details, whether they make it into the final post or not.

The meeting of the council is definitely eventful. I'm impressed that Rhia stood up and confronted her mother like that. Before she would only talk to her mother in private about it, but now she's speaking out in front of everyone, including their guests. This plan of hers is starting up a lot earlier than I thought.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review Review · Sep 27, 2015

Hi! It looks like you have a few chapters of this in the green room so I'm going to pick them up. If I get time, I may go back and read some of the others but let's see how it goes ^^

Specifics

1.

When I open my eyes, the man is gone. Sighing in relief, I shade my eyes from the glaring sun and set off back to the castle. The few people that notice me simply nod, or bow slightly before continuing on their conversations.
This is phrased a little awkwardly. Maybe resuming their conversations or simply continuing without the 'on'?

2.
The door opens, and before I can disappear, Arianna walks out, closely followed by Nikolas. Nikolas's face has a thin cut on it from Arianna's hook.
I had to read this a second time before I realised you meant fist and not actual hook. Maybe using fist would be simpler and give your readers more clarity?

3.
Arianna is the first to speak. Her voice sounds odd as she speaks.
Cut the repetition. Maybe: Arianna is the first to speak and her voice sounds odd. Or Arianna's voice sounds odd as she speaks first.

4.
This time, the water steams in the bath, and as I scrub the dirt off of myself, I rack my mind for ideas. Thinking of nothing, I step out and dress for the council session.
We've just been told that she is thinking of something, though I think I get what you mean. Maybe 'coming up with nothing' would be less ambiguous?

5.
Just thinking of it makes the pit of my stomach fill with nervous butterflies. Dealing with our mortal enemies in a setting where screaming matches regularly took take place isn’t very reassuring, not to anyone.
Careful with those tenses! This seems a good moment to add that I'm impressed with how little you've slipped up on that fron. Present tense can be tricky to write in and you're doing a lovely job.

6.
Taking a deep breath, I stare at myself in the mirror, silently trying to talk myself into this. Serafine pulls two pieces of my hair back and pins them back in place to keep my hair out of my face.


7.
I hand my dagger to the guard, it being the only weapon I have on me.


Overall

The chapter's a little slow to start but picks up toward the end and reached a pretty exciting climax. I think you're a bit too repetitive on the custom of not bringing weapons into the hall. First you tell us the lord has left us at the door, then you explain that this is because they can't have weapons, and then you describe her leaving hers at the door and then you recap it in conversation with the vampire prince. I think you could cut at least one of those out.

The only other think I'm uncertain about is if Nik leaves the room when Arianna does and is present for the conversation between the two girls? If so, why does he remain a silent party and does Ria trust him as well to not give away her secret?

Also Arianna/ Ria is a little confusing. It took me a moment to realise Ria was short for the main characters name. I think? Maybe that's clearer in the earlier chapters when they're first introduced.

All the best,

~Heather

Thanks for the review!
I'd like to point out that (as previous mentioned), Arianna has one hand and one hook. It is a literal hook :P

Rydia replied · Sep 27, 2015

Okay that works then xD

User avatar
Lightsong
Review
Lightsong wrote a review Review · Aug 5, 2015

Hey, I'm here to review. :)

First of all, I just have to say this chapter is full with dialogues. I hope you can cut them a bit, make them simpler, or put more descriptions for them. Like this one:

Nikolas eyes me. "Exactly how much did you hear?"


"Nikolas eyes me with an unbroken stare. "Exactly how much did you hear?" he says, his voice tense with a hint of suspicion. It is reflected on his eyes, and I can see his body turns rigid."

I just feel like there should be more than the dialogues, that instead of just dialogues, show the body languages from the speaker. I know you've shown some but dialogues still dominate this part, and they don't really say much about the characters.

Apart from that, I hope these many characters would be explored more. They are many, and I think more works should be done to develop them. I especially like Alexander, and I hope to see more of him - which I think you're doing right now, making Linna asking him to go for a ride.

The bit I really, really want to discuss though is Linna's question in the end - Such bravery, such suspenseful! Why did she say it in front of the rest of the heads? Why now? How would her mother and the others react to this? Hmm, I'm pretty pumped up by this, and I just want to say it's a nice cliffhanger. I am hoping to see the next chapter would be as suspenseful as this, perhaps not just the cliffhanger by making other parts at the very least interesting.

That's all. Keep up the good job! :D



Who knows anything about anyone, let alone themselves.
— Hank Green