Thrallmagic: Chapter 24

by TheCrimsonLady

Published February 29, 2016

12+

In Thrallmagic

Chapter 24

The air is surprisingly warm as Lindon and I weave through the crowd of people in the city square. Lindon is on edge, his fist tight on the hilt of his sword. The air is smoky, and the chorus of voices that surrounds us is festive. Young couples smile at each other in the half-shadows of flickering torchlight, their hands entwined. Soon enough, Lindon and I have left the crowd behind and are in the wealthier part of the city. Here, the houses stand tall, and the taverns are better-kept. When we halt in front of a merchant’s house, and Lindon knocks on the door, I tug on his sleeve.

“What’re we doing here? I thought we were meeting everyone.” I glare at Lindon when he doesn’t answer my question, but quiets me with a wave of his hand.

A few moments later, footsteps sound behind the door, and it swings open. Cora greets us with a sultry smile and tips her head into the house as she says, “Come in.” Lindon doesn’t move, and when I look at him, his gaze is fixed on her low-cut bodice. Rolling my eyes, I walk inside, past Cora, but I’m close enough to hear her when she purrs, “I haven’t seen you in a long time, handsome. What have you been up to?”

I shake my head at the vast amount of Lindon’s conquests and trudge up the stairs. “I wasn’t aware you’d be here, Cora.” I raise my eyebrows at Lindon, and he shrugs apologetically. Turning back around, I say, “Where is here, anyway?”

Cora laughs. “You don’t recognize it? You were here just yesterday, after all.”

I look around again when we get to the second floor, and recognition floods into me. “It looks so different from the main entrance.” Drian is richer than I thought. “How does a thief, no matter how rich or infamous he is, keep a residence in the capital of one of the most powerful countries in this realm?”

A smirking Drian steps in front of me, bowing with a mocking flourish. “He bribes the guards and uses a fake name, that’s how.” He circles around me, taking my arm and leading me into a secret room behind a tapestry. When I raise an eyebrow in question, he smiles. “I had it built in when I bought the house.”

I hand him my cloak, revealing the dress I wear, and he raises an eyebrow, but refrains from saying anything. When I enter the room, I scan the people present. Alexander, Captain Fenthclann, and Arianna all sit around a small coffee table. I sit down in an armchair, and Drian, Cora, and Lindon all take their seats.

“Good, everyone’s here.” I stifle a yawn, accepting the cup of mulled wine Drian hands me with a smile. “I assume introductions have been made?”

Alexander nods. “They have been, and I’d like to know why two notorious thieves and a known pirate are here.”

I raise an eyebrow. “You wanted to be here, as I recall. Don’t question my methods if you don’t want my help.”

Lindon nudges me, and whispers, “Don’t be so harsh, Ria.”

I roll my eyes. “I don’t have time for this. Arianna, Drian, last I knew, you were investigating who sold the griia’th to whom. Have we found anything yet?”

Arianna and Drian exchange glances. Finally, Drian says, “I sold it to an assassin soon after I bought it from Arianna. We found that the assassin- ah-“ He glances at Captain Fenthclann, hesitating, before he says, “-he was hired by someone in the Royal Guard a few weeks after I sold him the poison.”

I glance at Captain Fenthclann. “Captain? What do you have to say for this?”

He shrugs, taking a sip of his wine. “If it was done, it was done without my sanction, your highness. What’s more likely is that the information the assassin gave was wrong.”

I study him for a while before I nod. “Look into it, then.” To Arianna, I say, “Any word on possible remedies? You said this afternoon when I spoke to you that you would tell me now.”

She nods, smiling. “The same assassin Drian and I found? Well, it turns out that she knew of something that could extend the life of someone poisoned by griia’th.”

Captain Fenthclann cuts in before I can give my response. “Is that where you were this afternoon, your highness? Because it is unsafe for you to keep slipping away from your guard.”

I frown. “Well, yes, but I had to speak with Arianna about-“

He cuts me off, and says, “Your highness, you cannot go out into the city alone! You can send someone with a message, yes?”

I raise an eyebrow. “Captain Fenthclann, my father, the king, is deathly ill. Queen Guinevere, I think, has been agreed upon by us as not the rightful ruler of the nation.” I smile slowly, letting my words sink into everyone in the room. “That makes me the sovereign ruler of this country.” I send a message to Lindon, who stands next to the captain. Get ready to stop him if he tries to run. “I am the queen regnant of Valkyr until the king heals to execute his duties, and you will address me as such. I do not take orders from you, Captain. You will take your orders from me, and you will show me some respect. Do you understand me?”

The room is completely silent, and the captain bows his head. “Yes, your- your majesty.”

I watch him closely, and something about him seems off to me. Standing up, I stride over to him. “Look at me, captain.” He raises his eyes to mine, complacent enough, and I think rapidly. “You didn’t sanction the buying of that poison, did you?” I bite my lip. “An interesting choice of words. Captain Fenthclann, did you know that someone in the guard purchased the griia’th?”

He doesn’t meet my eyes, but doesn’t give an answer, either. I place a gloved finger under his chin and tip his head up so that he has to look at me. “Answer the question or I will make you, Fenthclann.”

His eyes fill with tears. “Please, milady, please- I have- my fiancée, the queen-“

I clench my fists. “I am the queen.” I heave a sigh, turning away from him and rubbing my forehead. “Lindon, make sure he doesn’t go anywhere.”

Arianna bites her lip. “Damned bastard. He must have known my plans and made sure I received false intelligence.”

Alexander steeples his fingers and looks at me. “What now, princess? Despite your declarations of being queen, the rest of your country needs to acknowledge you as such.”

I meet his gaze. “First, we have to deal with him. Through pure luck, I’ve managed to keep him from meeting the queen since he learned of my plans, and he must not have gotten a message to her, seeing as we all have our heads.” Sitting back down, I take a long drink of my wine. “Does anyone see an alternative to killing him?”

No one says anything, and I nod coolly. “Lindon, take care of him for me.”

Lindon bows, then grabs Fenthclann by the scruff of his collar. “I have men outside for protection. One of them will dispose of him.” Lindon drags Fenthclann to the door with a reassuring glance to me.

A thought occurs to me, and I hold up my hand, halting him. “Wait. See if he has any information that might be useful to us first.”

Drian pipes up. “Won’t that be dangerous, if he escaped? The first thing he’d do is run to the queen.”

Fenthclann’s face is frozen into a mask of nonchalance, but I can see his fear in the way his jaw is clenched, and how he stares blankly into space. “Lindon, find his sweetheart. He wouldn’t dare risk anything happening to her, I think.” The ex-captain’s expression turns to one of anger, and I glare coldly back at him. Finally, Lindon nods to me and drags Fenthclann out the door.

Trying not to think of the fact that I just ordered someone’s torture and death, I move on. “Arianna, get your hands on whatever substance will prolong the king’s life.”

Cora frowns. “Why do you want to prolong the king’s life? I understand that he’s your father, but politically, you would gain the throne if he died. The nobility and the people will recognize that.”

I pinch the bridge of my nose, feeling a headache coming on. “Because, Cora, the queen is currently blackmailing me with the threat of disownment to have me wed Prince Blathen, and he is a bastard I can’t have on or near the throne.”

Alexander raises his eyebrows. “I wondered, when the announcement was made. Why is he so terrible, though? Perhaps you don’t love him, but political matches are made all the time.”

I snort. “Love has nothing to do with it. Aside from the fact that he likes to slap me around a bit too much, I’m also fairly certain he kills his wives.”

Alexander laughs incredulously. “He kills his wives? How did you learn that?”

Shrugging, I say, “He’s still young, and he’s had four wives, all of whom have died in tragic accidents that can easily be staged. Also, all of his past wives were wealthy nobles, whose lands and gold he received upon their deaths.”

Drian shakes his head. “Your betrothed is a prince. Why would he need to kill for wealth?”

“Well, he does have five brothers. Unless Prince Blathen stayed at the Ciardian court, he would have nothing to his name. He wouldn’t be inheriting any separate holdings- the land would all go to his brothers.”

Alexander snorts, and takes a long, deep drink of his wine. “This is turning out to be more complicated than I thought.”

I raise an eyebrow in his direction. “Second thoughts, your highness? I wouldn’t advise that, if I were you.”

Cora grins. “Or what, he’ll end up like your precious captain of the guard?” She bumps Drian playfully, and he bumps her back, laughing. Turning back to me, she says, “What are you planning to do about him, anyway?”

“Do? I assume Lindon will dispose of his body, and I’ll break into his office tomorrow to make sure there are no damning letters about us. Unless he told someone where he was going, I would hardly be suspect in the matter.” I take a drink of my wine and meet Cora’s gaze with cool determination.

After a moment, Cora snorts and looks away, shaking her head slowly. “It seems Her Highness has a high

Arianna shakes her head. “You aren’t going to do anything. I will break into his office.” I watch her, wondering if she, too, has other allegiances, but then shrug it off. This might be a good test.

I nod. “Acceptable. Next order of business- I have a council meeting tomorrow to which you are not invited, Alexander.”

He raises his eyebrows in surprise. “Really- and why am I not invited?” Sitting forward, he steeples his hands beneath his chin.

I smile. “Don’t misunderstand- I am not disinviting you, but I am simply pointing out the fact that there is a meeting scheduled to which the vampire committee is not invited. If you would send me the details about the treaty you would like me to advocate, that would be much appreciated.”

Understanding gleams in his eyes, and he sits back, crossing his legs. “Of course. I’ll send a clerk with specific information in the morning, with orders to be discreet.”

A boot sounds on the balcony, and all of us jump to our feet. The thick curtains are closed, to keep out the cold, and we all edge closer, our weapons drawn. Cora slinks to a corner and draws the heavy fabric back an inch before sighing in relief.

“Put away your weapons, it’s Prince Lindon.” I sigh in relief at her words and sheathe my dagger.

Lindon walks inside, rubbing his hands together. A fine covering of snow dusts him, and his lips are pale blue. “If you hadn’t noticed, it’s snowing outside, and getting worse by the minute.”

Cora frowns, and pulls open the curtains, revealing a snowstorm that gets worse as we watch. “I hate Valkyr weather.” She slides the curtains shut again and puts another log on the fire. Muttering, she says, “Ten feet of snow, and no warning. How’s a girl supposed to pickpocket anyone when she can’t even walk?”

At her words, I choke, somehow forgetting how to breathe. Lindon strides over and claps me on the back. “Are you alright?! Is this something like the headache from before?”

I cough, regaining my ability to breathe, and shake my head. “Lindon, if the roads are impassable, how am I to get home before dawn? If I’m not there, and-“ I take a deep breath, keeping myself from babbling, and lean forward to open a curtain again. The snow swirls so strongly that I can’t even make out the slightest bit outside. “No one will be going anywhere in that storm.” A pit of dread seems to open up in my stomach, and I bite my lip hard enough to draw blood.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review Review · May 1, 2016

I wonder how many chapters I've missed this time! I'm really going to have to back-track at some point and fill in the gaps but for now it's review day and I feel like starting with something semi familiar.

Specifics

1.

The air is surprisingly warm as Lindon and I weave through the crowd of people in the city square. Lindon is on edge, his fist tight on the hilt of his sword. The air is smoky, and the chorus of voices that surrounds us is festive. Young couples smile at each other in the half-shadows of flickering torchlight, their hands entwined. Soon enough, Lindon and I have left the crowd behind and are in the wealthier part of the city. Here, the houses stand tall, and the taverns are better-kept. When we halt in front of a merchant’s house, and Lindon knocks on the door, I tug on his sleeve.


There are some lovely descriptions in this first paragraph but it starts to feel very stiff toward the end because your sentence lengths don't vary much. Here's a break down in number of words per sentence:

19 | 13 | 14 |16 |19 | 11 |20

There are no sentences under 10 or over 20 which are normally what I'd say are short or long sentences so every sentence in this paragraph is mid-length. Try to mix it up a bit more.

2.
I raise an eyebrow. “Captain Fenthclann, my father, the king, is deathly ill. Queen Guinevere, I think, has been agreed upon by us as not the rightful ruler of the nation.” I smile slowly, letting my words sink into everyone in the room. “That makes me the sovereign ruler of this country.” I send a message to Lindon, who stands next to the captain. Get ready to stop him if he tries to run. “I am the queen regnant of Valkyr until the king heals to execute his duties, and you will address me as such. I do not take orders from you, Captain. You will take your orders from me, and you will show me some respect. Do you understand me?”


This paragraph feels a bit rushed in having the break in the middle of the dialogue and then jumping straight back to more speech and I'm assuming she sends the message telepathically? Even if she does, I feel that needs to be made clear as it's a little ambiguous at the moment, especially after we've just had the discussion around sending messages physically.

3. Fethclann should be protesting his upcoming death - the scene is altogether too calm. I want to see the other character's reactions in the moment she proclaims her sentencing. Slow down the dialogue and describe what's going on in the room.

4.
After a moment, Cora snorts and looks away, shaking her head slowly. “It seems Her Highness has a high
This sentence is unfinished I think? Or needs a full stop.

5.
Cora frowns, and pulls open the curtains, revealing a snowstorm that gets worse as we watch. “I hate Valkyr weather.” She slides the curtains shut again and puts another log on the fire. Muttering, she says, “Ten feet of snow, and no warning. How’s a girl supposed to pickpocket anyone when she can’t even walk?”
I'm really starting to like Cora! I think this sentence repeats what Lindon just said too closely though - it's the repetition of 'gets worse' next to 'getting worse'. Perhaps instead describe the increased eddies of snow or how the snow blows in when they open the curtain.

Overall

You have some lovely dialogue but I think too much of this chapter is Ria talking at people and when you do have description, it's very brief or it's focused on character actions. Like Ria being pulled to the secret room and Drian taking her cloak etc. I'm also a little unsure about that secret room by the way, if the guy's rich why didn't he have a place built for him and then have as many secret rooms as he wanted put in at the start before they can be marked on any blueprints which might exist. Having it build in after seems incompetent and messy. The kind of thing which foolish nobles do without realising that a plan exists somewhere which details that room.

I think you do a pretty good job of handling the large cast of characters but need to give each one more time because at the moment we're not getting a good range of their reactions during crucial moments. Ria deciding to kill someone and a snowstorm trapping them inside should affect the whole group and I want to see reactions from more than 50% of them. I also feel Lindon needs a line of dialogue about what he did with the guard to resolve that before the chapter ends.

All the best with this!

~Heather

User avatar
Vervain
Review
Vervain wrote a review Review · Mar 28, 2016

Hey, Rora! So, time for me to catch up on Thrallmagic again, and what's in store for us this time? I'll probably just touch on a few issues as I see them, first off.

“How does a thief, no matter how rich or infamous he is, keep a residence in the capital of one of the most powerful countries in this realm?”
Plenty of thieves live in cities—while I could accept this as a form of Ria being naive about the lower class, we've not seen much but savviness from her, and it feels too odd and unintentional to be that. Not to mention, it feels like she (and by extension the author) are purposefully plugging in awkward phrases in order to emphasize that Drian is rich. Trust me, the reader gets it when you describe expensive things that a character is rich.

He circles around me, taking my arm and leading me into a secret room behind a tapestry. When I raise an eyebrow in question, he smiles. “I had it built in when I bought the house.”
In short, this does not work. Fake names and good money or not, there is little to no way to build in a hidden room after a house is already built. Unless it was already in the blueprints, that would involve majorly renovating at least two rooms (the secret room itself and the one leading to it) if not the entire structure of the house depending on how it's hidden.

If we're expected to believe that Drian (a character I'm not familiar with due to jumping in at the middle) is so rich he could do this and not have anyone question it? Yeah, I don't buy it. We're in the middle of the book, so my suspension of disbelief is pretty high by this point, but that right there just kind of took said suspension of disbelief and snapped it in half.

“The same assassin Drian and I found? Well, it turns out that she knew of something that could extend the life of someone poisoned by griia’th.”
Well, that's awfully convenient. In all honesty, after the whole comment on Drian building the secret room into his house after it was built, my tolerance for potentially odd or convenient things is at a critical low—and this just tested it again very shortly after that. I was really into this novel before this, and now... Your plot convenience is really getting in the way of your audience enjoying the story.

There are a few other things that bothered me, like your characterization, but for the most part, the plot convenience is what's killing it. (The plot convenience is also what's warping the characterization—for starters why wouldn't Alexander just walk out after he saw who was there, if he objects to them so much? Right now, your answer seems to be "because Ria needs him there", which is really "because the plot needs him there".)

I clench my fists. “I am the queen.” I heave a sigh, turning away from him and rubbing my forehead. “Lindon, make sure he doesn’t go anywhere.”
Arianna bites her lip. “Damned bastard. He must have known my plans and made sure I received false intelligence.”
I feel like we're missing some action or description between these paragraphs. You have Ria ordering Lindon to make sure the captain stays in place...but then we don't see Lindon doing anything, and it looks like Lindon and the captain both just disappear from the scene for the next few paragraphs.

Really, one of the cardinal sins of this scene other than your plot convenience is falling into a featureless plane of disembodied dialogue. Going all Troper on you, it really doesn't help that you outright state the number of characters you have in this scene, and then they all talk in order and in turn, without anyone getting in the way of another as the scene has a natural, smooth progression.

The thing is, normal dialogue—and especially normal intrigue like this—doesn't usually progress in this manner. When people are discussing something stressful, like a dying father, there's generally some emotion behind it, even if the characters' moves are calculated. Again, I'm back to feeling absolutely nothing out of Ria, and to top it all off, the other characters are hardly in the scene for me to latch onto them instead.

Trying not to think of the fact that I just ordered someone’s torture and death, I move on.
Well, that was easy. Considering Ria doesn't even mention the captain or his torture and death for the rest of the scene, it's not easy for me to empathize with her regretting it, as her regrets exist for approximately one sentence.

You've got a lot of problems in this one. I know it's not indicative of your skill as a whole, but it's still kind of disheartening to read. I hope this was helpful as tips for improvement! Keep writing!

Thanks, Reine.
Honestly, I know my chapters are getting worse each week, but I'm not going to drop out of LMS yet. But you might find the next ones disheartening, too.



We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
— Ernest Hemingway