Chapter 16
Arianna sits in brooding silence as I relate the tale of how Lindon came to me and asked to be bonded. When I finish, she sits in stunned silence. Drian stares at me, as if wondering if I’m the same girl he tried to pickpocket on the street.
Finally, taking a deep, shuddering breath, Arianna breaks the uncomfortable silence. “That was foolhardy. What would you have done if Lindon- or even you- had fallen ill?” She shakes her head disapprovingly, making her bright red curls bounce.
Thunder rumbles outside, and dark clouds start to roll in. Drian lights his lamps with a flick of his wrist, and the room is flooded with a golden light. When he speaks, he changes the subject altogether. “I wonder where Cora went. She shouldn’t stay out in the rain.” He frowns at the outside world, where peddlers and merchants seek shelter from the fast-approaching rain. A dark look passes over his face, but when he turns back to us, his expression is unconcerned.
Arianna massages her neck with one hand as she crosses her legs beneath her. “Anyway…” She trails off, but continues, collecting her courage. "Do you remember who you sold it to?"
Drian looks around uncomfortably. “Somewhat.” He shrugs. “Arianna, like I said, I’m known as the Prince of Thieves for a reason. I don’t keep track of who I sell things to- there are too many people for that.”
Arianna rolls her eyes. “It was the most deadly and undetectable poison in the world, Drian! Don’t give me that idiocy. Who did you give it to?” Neither I nor Drian miss Arianna’s hand on her pistol or her snarl as she stares at him.
I rise slowly, not wanting to irritate her further. “Arianna, it’s alright. You needn’t get so angry.”
At my words, she releases her grip on the pistol, and her face smoothes into an expression of disinterest. I’ve seen it when I look in the mirror, and I know that Arianna is hiding behind a mask as I do.
Not knowing what else to do or say, I perch at the edge of the chair, my magic ready to stop her if she does anything rash. Drian stares at her for a second, a flicker of fear running across his face, before he, too, sits back down. “Look, I gave it to Cora to sell. I don’t get out much anymore during the daytime. I get robbed too often at the-“ He glances at me, for a second before continuing, “-at Vail.”
I furrow my brow. “Vail? What is that?” Arianna and Drian alike look uncomfortable, and neither of them speak. I roll my eyes at them. “Triad, I’m not going to do anything, alright? Just tell me what it is.”
When Arianna answers my question, her expression is a mixture of guilt and amusement. “It’s Valkyr’s biggest market for… ah… illicit goods. And activities.” She pauses for a second, and continues on innocently. “You’ve got quite a lot of fae assassins, did you know?”
I choke on air as I try to speak and laugh at the same time. “Of course I know. The nobles are the ones using their… services, after all.” Flipping a lock of hair over my shoulder, I smirk. “We just have different channels through which we find them, that’s all.”
Drian raises his eyebrows, then shrugs. “Well, you took that better than I expected.” HE shakes his head, and we fall back to the topic at hand. “When Cora gets back, you should-“
A door slams, and we all stand up. My hand gropes for my dagger yet again, and like before, I grasp nothing but air. Seeing my actions, Drian draws my dagger out of a pocket and tosses it to me. The open blade nicks my palm as I catch it, and I shoot him a withering look as I suck on the stinging cut. He doesn’t respond, having already turned away to watch the door. Moments later, a very wet Cora walks in, her face screwed up in frustration.
“Well, that went terribly.” Her voice is filled with anger, and when she drops her sopping wet cloak on the floor, I realise she’s bleeding from a cut in her side. Drian steps toward her, his face filled with concern, but she waves him off. “It’s just superficial, and I’m drenched.” Pulling off her blouse and leaving herself in a thin chemise, she declares, “I am going to take a hot bath.” Muttering to herself, she disappears into the bathing chamber. Drian disappears after her, presumably to ask her what happened. Arianna and I stare at each other.
“Well, that was odd. Even for her, that was odd.” Arianna picks up the wet cloak the Cora deposited on the floor and I flick a finger, drying it instantly. Surprised, Arianna looks up at me before understanding what I did. “It’s been a while since I’ve been around a faerie. I’ve forgotten how much you like to use magic.”
I shrug. “It’s easier, and it’s not like I’ll ever be without it.” Nodding at the cloak, I explain, “For little things, like that, it barely takes any energy. For bigger things, it does, which is why we don’t use magic to fight very much. It’s easier for us to attack someone with a sword and use our magic to distract them rather than burn them up where they stand.”
She nods. “I know. The man I told you about- the one I wanted you to find? He was half-fae, and though he didn’t have much magic, he used it whenever he could.” A faraway expression comes over her eyes, and she says, “His name was Salian-“
I cough as I stop breathing, calling for Lindon in my mind. “Did you say Salian?” A trickle of annoyance seeps to me through the bond, but I ignore it, thinking rapidly to Lindon. Arianna says that she used to know someone whose name is Salian. She claims he was half-fae.
His response is immediate. Did she say where he was? Does she know who he is? Is… is he still alive? A flood of worry reaches to me, but I push Lindon’s feelings away, trying to concentrate. Ria, are you coming back? The Council session is being moved up. You’ve got an hour to be back. His presence disappears from my mind, and I stand up anxiously, coming back to the world around me.
Arianna looks at me, utterly confused. “What happened? What does it matter that his name was Salian?”
I shake my head. “No time. They moved the Council session up.” Grimly, I say, “My mother must have realized I wasn’t in the castle.”
Arianna nods. “Well, come on, then, I’ll walk you back. I can come to see Drian and Cora anytime.” She gives me a look that clearly says that she doesn’t trust me to be able to get back on my own.
I don’t argue, and as she yells her goodbye to Drian, I find my cloak in the main hall. And take off my mask, leaving it on a table for Drian to take back. Arianna and I leave the way she entered- down the balcony and onto the street below. Once we appear in the main streets, we slow down, blending in with the crowd. She walks me all the way to the castle gate, and we stop just as the clocktower rings noon. I reach for Lindon in my mind. Exactly what time does the Council session start?
His reply comes quickly. Half past. Hurry up, we’re finally starting to draw up trade agreements. This should be good.
Arianna catches my arm as I turn to leave. “Wait! We need to meet tonight. I’m going back to Drian’s place to ask him who he sold the poison to. I’ll come and get you tonight. Don’t fall asleep.”
I stop her from leaving. “Will you tell Captain Wyrnson where to meet us? And your brother?”
She nods, but then reconsiders and shakes her head. “I can tell Captain Wyrnson, but my brother left last night to… take care of other matters.”
“Wait, what other matters? And where are we meeting?”
Arianna shakes her head. “I’ll tell you tonight. Now go, or you’ll be late.” Giving me a push, she disappears into the throngs of people. I walk casually along the wall until I reach the treeline. Scaling the walls, I drop down- right onto the back of a guard.
He turns and attacks me almost immediately, but I parry his first attack with my dagger and say, “Hold, soldier, and take a good look at my face, would you?” Instinctively, his head snaps up, and when he recognizes my features, he bows, sheathing his sword.
“Your highness, I- ah- did not-“ He stumbles over his words nervously.
I laugh. “You won’t receive any punishment, soldier, you were just doing your duty.” Studying him carefully, I wonder how I can manipulate him to keep from telling anyone. Leaving the false smile on my face, I lean forward and whisper conspiratorially, “I wasn’t planning on telling anyone I was outside of the palace walls, and you will keep it a secret, won’t you?” I bite my lip anxiously as I look around for any witnesses. “There’s a reward in it for you if you do.”
The young guard doesn’t meet my eyes, but instead stutters, “I d-don’t n-need a reward t-to do my duty, your highness. I’ll never tell anyone a-about your sn-sneaking out.”
I smile gratefully at him before I take off for the secret tunnel that will take me to my rooms without anyone seeing me. I race up the stairs, pulling my hair out of its braid as I emerge into my sleeping chamber. As quietly as I can, I wash my face with cold water from the basin, patting it dry with a towel. Finding the dress I was wearing this morning, I slip it on, hiding my grimy street clothes, and disappear into the tunnel again, coming out where it lets out into an unused room. I take the long way around to my rooms, still hurrying. When I enter by the main door, Serafine jumps up.
“Your highness, where have you been? And what on earth have you done to your hair?” She shakes her head disapprovingly, and steers me into my room. “Her majesty moved the Council meeting up. You’ve only got a few minutes to get there.”
I let her take charge, exhausted from this morning’s endeavors. Surveying my closet, she brings out a more sober green affair. I slip off the orange and peach dress, and as she laces me up, I comb through the tangles in my hair myself. Serafine pins it up as quickly as she can, handing me a fresh pair of boots and stockings. Pulling them on, I disappear out the door and continue down to the Council chamber. I run into Lindon along the way, who surveys me.
“Thank Loch you’re alright.” He holds the door open for me, and I stare at his face, and his blossoming black eye.
“What on earth did you do to yourself?” I narrow my eyes when he doesn’t answer immediately.
He shrugs. “I didn’t expect the Hunt to take it well when I told them we were bonded. The only one who didn’t put up any argument was Matthias. He asked if I was talking about the princess and then stood there while I got into a fistfight.”
I frown. “Why would he do that? Isn’t he your second?” I hand my weapons to the door guard in front of the sanctum and wait as Lindon does the same.
We walk in together, a few minutes early. Thankfully, as I survey the room, I realise that we aren’t the only ones that are cutting it close. Half the clan lords are here yet, and the chamberlains are still bringing in the food and wine. Lindon sits down in his chair, and I perch on the table next to him.
“He is. And to his credit, he did deal with the afterwards.” He helps himself to a meat pie, drizzling honey on top before he devours it. Bidding him goodbye, I go to my own seat and wait, anxious for the meeting to start.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hello.
Haven't read previous parts. Just going off what I see here.
First off, your syntax. It's repetitive and has a lot of words in short order, such as "light" in the third paragraph. This goes throughout the piece and weakens the prose, simply because repetition in description doesn't tell us anything new. Instead of something rich, we get the same facet of the scene twice.
There's also how I don't really feel like this is through the eyes of a person. The tone is formal and almost omniscient, with how it lacks any interpretation of the surroundings and really doesn't seem to be formal in any nuanced way. There's formality that indicates something about a character, then there's formality that's just academic, and this feels more like the latter.
Most of this is because of the lack of interpretation and introspection I mentioned. Actions simply happen, emotions are described, and there's no real indication that they mean anything to the character. When you're trying to craft a voice, interpretation of the world around them is a fairly critical thing to include. Without anything telling us "here's what the character thinks about the situation" in what should be tense moments (such as not knowing where the poison went), you rob us of tension simply because the reason to care lapses. When reason to care lapses, interest lapses, and readers get bored.
All in all, this has all the actions, but very few emotions. Work on adding in the character interpretations to the emotions around her, especially if she has different reactions for how she's not human. This is stuff that should be showing up constantly, not just at the odd moment. It's not that readers will forget, it's that every situation is an opportunity to highlight something about how the character sees the world. Right now, that's lacking.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Thanks, Rosey!
hello. I was going through the back of the green room for works to review and ran into this one. Despite coming into the story quite late, I have to say that I was rather enthralled by this chapter. It's very telling how gripped I was considering how much of the plot I didn't understand from jumping in. Just from the beginning, I appreciated the atmospheric, artsy sort of setting and tone you created for the story; telling us the weather, having one of the characters dim the lights; you subtly set the mood without taking away from the story at all. You were able to do two things at once, something you wanted us to see and something you were doing subliminally, and it takes a very skilled writer to do so. Your sense of sense of drama was also quite enticing; you managed to take a simple, mundane idea such as "getting to a meeting" and turned it into what could qualify as a Hollywood action scene. Furthermore, I found your characters to be quite interesting; I didn't know much about them, but I got the sense that they seemed realistic, invigorating and ultimately, they all seemed to have their own unique personality and quirks that I enjoyed.
With the story as invigorating as it was, even without knowing the plot or characters, I still found myself quite enamored with the chapter -- therefore, I have very few suggestions at all to give for you to improve. This chapter is above anything I'm capable of, sadly, heheh.
Things:
Reading on, I realized they were trying to say "faerie assassins," but I initially thought it was a typo for "fake assassins," which distracted me a bit. I don't know if you want to spell it out or not, but I just I'd point it out anyway.
Any particular reason "he" is capitalized here...?"
I don't think the italicization here is necessary; you'd get the same desired emotional effect without it.
On a side note, I admire that this chapter has a large lack of "so-and-so paused". That's something find myself falling back on quite often, but it only appeared in this chapter once. In the above passage, you managed to convey a pause without directly saying so, which is very adept to me.
That covers it. Very well written overall, I'd like to say "I'm going to go back and read the rest of this", but I've told that to too many people in the past week, heheh. So we'll see, good job on this ^^
Thanks!