The cages are only bars.
Outside of many cars.
Inside of a lovely bar
And the bar is only true
If you look at it with painted hues
The bird lies on its side
And lays until its dies
And thus the bars
Are just only outside of cars.
And the woman limping in the bar.
Looks at the cage's bars.
And then her head is full of bars, many bars.
But then she understands, it's not the bar she thinks it is.
It's a different bar.
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hi there! Your title intrigued me. I think the concept for this poem, that is describing different kinds of 'bars' and weaving them together, is really interesting and fun to work with.
Tone
I read this as having a semi-philosophical tone? The repetition of "thus" as well as the words "understands" and "true" seem to suggest the poem is meant to convey a particular idea to the reader.
Language
I think the ideas in this piece could be elaborated on more through the imagery. Firstly, let me just say some of the images I really liked in this poem were:
"the bar is only true// if you look at it with painted hues" --> this brings to mind a barcode or a signpost of some sort, and the line break is placed really cleverly so it only appears to be a barcode once you read the second part, which matches the idea of only seeing the bar if it's coloured
"The bird lies on its side// And lays until its dies" --> really poignant image with a good rhyme to tie it together, even if the rhyming words aren't in the same location. (Minor word choice nitpick, though, I would edit this to be ". . . lies until it dies" because "lays" is usually used in the context of "laying (something) down" or "laying an egg" )
These two images have some development, which fits together well and helps paint a scene in the reader's head.
The images in the first and last few lines of the poem could be improved in this regard, I think. For instance, "cages", "cars" and "bar" (as in the place) are very different images. If you want to put them in the same 'scene', I think a bit more elaboration and description could help weave them together. Why are there cages and cars near a bar? Is there something in the bar being held in a cage, or is the cage outside?
Likewise, the "woman limping" in the bar is a good link back to the start of the poem, but I'm not sure where the "cage" comes from or what the woman is doing there or why. Even though this is a poem and not a short story, as a reader I feel like I still want more detail and narrative going through this to link it all together.
That's all
Overall, this was a fun and enjoyable poem to read! The short lines and repetition of 'bar' does create a rhythm of its own. If you're planning to revise/edit this piece, one tip I have is maybe to try writing down what you want to say in prose first and then go on ahead an revise with that newfound clarity. It's a tip someone gave me on this site years ago when I was starting, and I hope you'll find it as useful as I did back then. Keep writing!
Cheers!
-Lim
Hi!
Firstly, very nice poetry. But still, I was left confused by it because I did not know what you were referring to as cars. Lol, I think it is the only thing which I found off-putting...
but I did understand the message behind the cage bars and birds.
I don't know how to critique this. But these were my feelings while reading the poem.
Thanks!