Young Writers Society

Hey guys! I'm back from my long hiatus and I wanna say that this work is really old and ever since I wrote this I continued to write more short stories that are a little bit better than this one! I will post some more eventually once I get some more points.

Thanks for reading!

-Purple67

Hello! Here for a short review.

This was an interesting short piece. I will admit that it was a little confusing, but I was hooked right from the first sentence. It was a great way to begin as it pulls the reader right into your story.

"I guess that was what happened."

While this sentence is in the past tense, the rest of your story takes place in the present. I think you are trying to describe what exactly 'happened', maybe you could make it a bit more clearer so that it is easier to understand.

"Running away from the grass, I fled away from the sight, never to be seen again."

Here, you again change the tense suddenly when you use 'fled' in the sentence. Try to be a little more consistent with your tense.

I’m just going to my house-”

There is a typo here. You forgot the quotation marks in the beginning of the sentence.

' “Kid. it’s not safe here, come here, or your dead meat…” '

Here, 'you're' works better instead of 'your'. Besides I am not really sure the 'your' makes sense in this sentence.

Overall, this was a really great story. I just wish you had expanded it a little more, added a bit more descriptions and built your characters. As a short story, this was good. I just feel there could have been more.

Keep on writing and have a great day!

wow this is quite beautiful, i love the twist to it, from the starting of "i was almost gone" and you explain, and it went to the soft calming, of moving on. To the point that then, someone begins to speak, and you just trying to get home, and they somewhat laugh at you stupidity, and how it ends is amazing i wish i had the talent to write a story short enough, to not make it to short or to long, but you did great! please continue!

Hey there Purple67! I'm here to break my review hiatus with a quick review for ya. Let's jump right into it.

On the whole, this is a good first draft! You have a clear direction, well-established characters, and excellent pacing. In essence, you have a really strong exoskeleton here. I'm going to dive into some critique so that you know how to bring this to the next level. I apologize in advance if this comes across as a little harsh. My intent is not at all to make you feel like a bad writer, because I think you have talent and skill and potential. I want to develop that by sharing some brutally honest feedback because I think it's going to improve your writing. Now, without further ado, here's some analysis of this story:

Many years ago, my life… was almost gone.

The grass hugs me close to the roots, earthy smells fill the inside of my nose.

My titanium white hair and skin merges in a way that’s interesting. Almost like the mun sitting like a bent branch left astray. Maybe there’s a reason for that.

A minute and half later, a new mun appears.

Running away from the grass, I fled away from the sight, never to be seen again.

“What are you doing?” A harsh voice follows me around.

I’m just going to my house-”

“Kid. it’s not safe here, come here, or your dead meat…”

Her caramel brown skin and bright red eyes shined through mines. (you have a tense change here)

“Well, come here kid, there’s someone here.”

A tan boy came up to me. WIth a knife, he came up to me, smiling cynically.

I’m gone, or am i?

Hello, I hope you are having a good day or night! As you can most likely guess, I'm here to do a review!

So, right off the bat, a few things stood out to me here. You had a really good ringer. I read the first line, and was instantly hooked!
The ending was also very interesting as well, "Pinning my legs down to the cold ground of hell." And "I see a blur of light, and then, a blur of red" Were especially good.

However, a couple things to note;
I think that you could add a lot more description, both to the surroundings and emotions. You did an excellent job describing character appearances (I could see them clearly) However, a lot of the time, they were in an empty space.
I struggle with this a lot, but you have to remember where your characters are at a giving time. For example, when a "New mun appears" does the character stumble to her feet? Does she shoot up, only to back away quickly?
This can also help establish emotion. Are they panicked? Are they scared? That sort of thing.

Also, the line "Never to be seen again," appears in the middle of the story. Well this is a great final line for a short story, it doesn't make much since in the context of the tale.

One last thing, and this is a matter of opinion, but I feel as if there were a lot of loose ends to the story.
For example, when you mentioned the person laying beside the character, because of their similar appearances, I theorized that it could be their mother. However, that is never explained, leaving me to wonder who it was.
I also continue to question why the character was being chased down in the first place.

Other than all that, however, this was an incredibly fascinating story! I hope to see more works from you in the future! Keep on writing, and have a wonderful day!