Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Many years ago, my life… was almost gone.
I guess that was what happened.
The grass hugs me close to the roots, earthy smells fill the inside of my nose.
My titanium white hair and skin merges in a way that’s interesting. Almost like the mun sitting like a bent branch left astray. Maybe there’s a reason for that.
And then she’s gone.
Why is she gone?
A minute and half later, a new mun appears.
Running away from the grass, I fled away from the sight, never to be seen again.
“What are you doing?” A harsh voice follows me around.
I’m just going to my house-”
“Kid. it’s not safe here, come here, or your dead meat…”
Her caramel brown skin and bright red eyes shined through mines.
“Well, come here kid, there’s someone here.”
A tan boy came up to me. WIth a knife, he came up to me, smiling cynically.
I try to run away, but he catches me, pinning my legs down to the cold ground of hell. Now ,it’s hard to breathe, they are putting their heavy arm on my chest. I see a blur of light and then, a blur of red.
I’m gone, or am i?
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hey guys! I'm back from my long hiatus and I wanna say that this work is really old and ever since I wrote this I continued to write more short stories that are a little bit better than this one! I will post some more eventually once I get some more points.
Thanks for reading!
-Purple67
Hello! Here for a short review.
This was an interesting short piece. I will admit that it was a little confusing, but I was hooked right from the first sentence. It was a great way to begin as it pulls the reader right into your story.
"I guess that was what happened."
While this sentence is in the past tense, the rest of your story takes place in the present. I think you are trying to describe what exactly 'happened', maybe you could make it a bit more clearer so that it is easier to understand.
"Running away from the grass, I fled away from the sight, never to be seen again."
Here, you again change the tense suddenly when you use 'fled' in the sentence. Try to be a little more consistent with your tense.
I’m just going to my house-”
There is a typo here. You forgot the quotation marks in the beginning of the sentence.
' “Kid. it’s not safe here, come here, or your dead meat…” '
Here, 'you're' works better instead of 'your'. Besides I am not really sure the 'your' makes sense in this sentence.
Overall, this was a really great story. I just wish you had expanded it a little more, added a bit more descriptions and built your characters. As a short story, this was good. I just feel there could have been more.
Keep on writing and have a great day!
wow this is quite beautiful, i love the twist to it, from the starting of "i was almost gone" and you explain, and it went to the soft calming, of moving on. To the point that then, someone begins to speak, and you just trying to get home, and they somewhat laugh at you stupidity, and how it ends is amazing i wish i had the talent to write a story short enough, to not make it to short or to long, but you did great! please continue!
Hey there Purple67! I'm here to break my review hiatus with a quick review for ya. Let's jump right into it.
I have always believed that the first sentence is, arguably, the most important sentence of the story. It's your first chance to captivate the reader and pull them into the story. It can be, and often is, the sentence use to decide whether they will continue reading the story. This sentence falls short of that. The use of the ellipses are anti-climactic. This sentence has potential, but I'd rework it so that you put the emphasis on "almost", since that's the unique part of this sentence. Even that slight change would improve this opening.On the whole, this is a good first draft! You have a clear direction, well-established characters, and excellent pacing. In essence, you have a really strong exoskeleton here. I'm going to dive into some critique so that you know how to bring this to the next level. I apologize in advance if this comes across as a little harsh. My intent is not at all to make you feel like a bad writer, because I think you have talent and skill and potential. I want to develop that by sharing some brutally honest feedback because I think it's going to improve your writing. Now, without further ado, here's some analysis of this story:
Here, you have a POV switch, which is a little jarring as a reader. In the first sentence, you're speaking as if the main character is directly experiencing the action. In the second sentence, you're speaking as if the main character is somehow watching herself. I'd suggest cleaning this up by deciding on the perspective you're going to follow throughout the story and following that; if you want to include a perspective switch, include other cues so the reader knows what's going on.
Here, you do a good job building up some suspense and intensity, but more description would build that up even more. Including some smells, sounds, and feelings in addition to sight will bring the reader into this world. The more detailed and vivid the description, the more impact you can have on the reader. You have a good start, but I'd love to see you develop this even further.
As far as final lines go, this one falls a little short. It doesn't have a super powerful impact on the reader. To change that, I'd recommend breaking this into two paragraphs and maybe teasing a bit more at potential survival in the preceding paragraph. For example, if the narrator were to see a bright light, feel as if they were drowning, or experience some other signal that the end was near, the thought of a potential survival would be more off-putting.
That's about all I have for you! Like I said, I didn't mean any of this as an insult to your ability or to tear you down in any way. You have a really great rough draft here, and I hope that some of my suggestions are helpful for you in moving forward. Please feel free to reach out with any questions, and enjoy the rest of your Sunday!
Best,
Tuck
Hello, I hope you are having a good day or night! As you can most likely guess, I'm here to do a review!
So, right off the bat, a few things stood out to me here. You had a really good ringer. I read the first line, and was instantly hooked!
The ending was also very interesting as well, "Pinning my legs down to the cold ground of hell." And "I see a blur of light, and then, a blur of red" Were especially good.
However, a couple things to note;
I think that you could add a lot more description, both to the surroundings and emotions. You did an excellent job describing character appearances (I could see them clearly) However, a lot of the time, they were in an empty space.
I struggle with this a lot, but you have to remember where your characters are at a giving time. For example, when a "New mun appears" does the character stumble to her feet? Does she shoot up, only to back away quickly?
This can also help establish emotion. Are they panicked? Are they scared? That sort of thing.
Also, the line "Never to be seen again," appears in the middle of the story. Well this is a great final line for a short story, it doesn't make much since in the context of the tale.
One last thing, and this is a matter of opinion, but I feel as if there were a lot of loose ends to the story.
For example, when you mentioned the person laying beside the character, because of their similar appearances, I theorized that it could be their mother. However, that is never explained, leaving me to wonder who it was.
I also continue to question why the character was being chased down in the first place.
Other than all that, however, this was an incredibly fascinating story! I hope to see more works from you in the future! Keep on writing, and have a wonderful day!