Young Writers Society

Hey, ILUVBUNNIES08 here for a review!

First off, I love this title it caught my eye while I was scrolling through the shorts page looking for something to review.

Second, I love how in-depth you went with the description of the homes. "a crimson-red house near the mountains. Unlike all the beige houses with broken roofs and all the grey houses."

Third, I love how this shows a character in its true teen years, not some made-up crap that people like to show teens as in movies or whatever.

Fourth, I could envision everything you talked about in paragraph two. “I lived with my grandparents in a crimson-red house near the mountains. Unlike all the beige houses with broken roofs and all the grey houses, our house was special. It was strong and sturdy with shiny windows. We stood out from all the houses in the mountains and it looked pretty too.”

Fifth, I was left on a cliffhanger when you stopped the story. I have so many questions that were never answered by the end of the story.


I wish I could give you more praise on this but there was not much to go off of overall this was an amazing story so please continue writing.


Love. ILUVBUNNIES08

Hello slubbs with a review

I found it to be a captivating introduction.
I like how you set the narrator in their teenage years and explained the cold setting.

In the second paragraph you could absolutely vision everything, Your word chose really helped me pick through the writing and piece things together.

I do hope you continue to write this story because you have left me hanging with a lot of unanswered questions.

I wish I could have a longer review but my tired brain say enough is enough.

Hope you continue you the story D

~slubbs

Good day to you, Purple67!

Hmm, this is quite a short introduction. It can be moulded into almost anything, so it's a little saddening to know that you probably won't finish this.
I'm going to review this as more of a writing prompt/pitch than a story.

I don’t remember things that easily, but what I do remember in my almost-teenage years is that it was super cold outside.

But enough with that blabbering nonsense. Here’s the story.[/quote
You did tie the two paragraphs together by mentioning that the narrator lived in the mountains, but I would honestly have liked to see a stronger connection, given that half of this piece is just about how tremendously cold things were.

looked pretty too

Why? It's made of different materials, but that doesn't make it automatically pretty.

But as much as I liked what it looked like on the outside, the energy was not as good.

Hey there! Thanks for sharing your writing with us. I like how you've set the stage with something both specific and vague. The specific part is the "super cold" setting. The vague part, of course, is that you've placed it in the narrator's "almost teenage years." I like how it sorta sounds like they don't remember for sure when it happened. While you later clarify and exact age, I think this gives the idea that the narrator's age was relatively unimportant.

As has been mentioned already, it seems like the super cold setting probably is significant to the plot in some way. It's an great way to get the reader interested in what's going to happen.

I personally think you went a little overboard with the details on just how cold it was. I mean, you kind of have a bit of an description dump that could be more concise. I also noticed you used the word "clinged." I'm assuming you meant "clinging"? That would be the correct word as far as verb tense, but the way you talk about jackets clinging to your skin almost makes it sound like the clothes are wet. Maybe think about using some different wording to give a little more relatable mental image.

I like how you wrote "our house was special." Being that your short story is incomplete, I'm not sure where you were going with that, but it sounds fascinating. It gives me the feeling that there's something special about the house that goes beyond its outward appearance.

The way you've concluded is both strong and weak. You've done well in building up the visual description to point to the greater issue. However, the wording is also a little unclear. I'm assuming you mean that there was a negative atmosphere in the home. But you worded it in such a way that it's not quite clear enough where this "energy" is. I'd probably try to include the phrase "on the inside" to contrast the phrase "on the outside."

I hope you decide to finish your story sometime!

-Winny

Heyo it's InuYosha for a short review!!!!

I don’t remember things that easily, but what I do remember in my almost-teenage years is that it was super cold outside.

Like so cold you needed a bunch of jackets clinged to your skin just to survive the cold. But just putting on heaps of jackets wasn’t gonna get you anywhere. You also needed sweaters and warm boots and warm hats. But enough with that blabbering nonsense. Here’s the story.

12 years old at the time I lived with my grandparents in a crimson-red house near the mountains. Unlike all the beige houses with broken roofs and all the grey houses, our house was special. It was strong and sturdy with shiny windows. We stood out from all the houses in the mountains and it looked pretty too. But as much as I liked what it looked like on the outside, the energy was not as good.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I don’t remember things that easily, but what I do remember in my almost-teenage years is that it was super cold outside. Like so cold you needed a bunch of jackets clinged to your skin just to survive the cold. But just putting on heaps of jackets wasn’t gonna get you anywhere. You also needed sweaters and warm boots and warm hats. But enough with that blabbering nonsense. Here’s the story.

12 years old at the time I lived with my grandparents in a crimson-red house near the mountains. Unlike all the beige houses with broken roofs and all the grey houses, our house was special. It was strong and sturdy with shiny windows. We stood out from all the houses in the mountains and it looked pretty too. But as much as I liked what it looked like on the outside, the energy was not as good.

Oh shoot
This character development!!
And the bit at the end about the evil mother sandwich, gripping, no really.

So my favorite part is how much you leave open for inference, I really took a wild ride.

This is what happens when you write on a whim kids.