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A excerpt from my flash fiction story, The Star Solstice.

by Purple67


As the nights grow cold and many prepare for winter, a new festive solstice begins.

This time, it’s the star solstice.

“Lotus, Please serve the main course for today.”

Mama Divine’s voice echoed in the room, creating a false sense of safety.

“Don’t drop it.” The firm voice filled Lotus with fear.

A crimson-blood red cloth was draped over the table with several glasses of clear white wine. Lotus placed the whole plate of heirloom tomatoes, crucian carp, and wild rice.

Each member of the family sat down and began raising their glasses in the air, singing and chanting.

“We shall wish a wonderful fire solstice!”

Each person of the family brought their glasses down and started serving themselves.

But soon, the anti-divines would arrive.


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1062 Reviews


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Mon Nov 30, 2020 9:29 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Harry....here to leave a review on this short...err...flash fiction...never quite figured out the difference between the two.

First Impression: Well...this sounds like a pretty tidy little scene that you've got here. It is promising quite few things with that entrance. I loved that last line that you had. Anyways let me get into a few more specific details, shall we.

Anyway let's get right to it,

As the nights grow cold and many prepare for winter, a new festive solstice begins.

This time, it’s the star solstice.


Hmm...is that a real one or did you make that up? I have heard of a summer solstice and a winter solstice but not this one.

“Lotus, Please serve the main course for today.”

Mama Divine’s voice echoed in the room, creating a false sense of safety.


Well Lotus, that's quite a name...

A crimson-blood red cloth was draped over the table with several glasses of clear white wine. Lotus placed the whole plate of heirloom tomatoes, crucian carp, and wild rice.


That's a pretty good description there. Also I'm hungry now...I wonder why.

Each person of the family brought their glasses down and started serving themselves.

But soon, the anti-divines would arrive.


Well definitely setting up what promises to be a pretty fun scene to come up. So far it sounds like its shaping up to be a pretty good scene.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this sounds like the start of a pretty nice story. I can sense some worldbuilding in there and it didn't have any mistakes or anything that felt off to me so you've done a pretty good job there. I might just read any other parts you post of this.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Nov 30, 2020 1:44 am
Yoshikrab wrote a review...



Hi! Nice story! It's certainly very interesting for an intro.

As the nights grow cold and many prepare for winter, a new festive solstice begins.


I believe this is a good beginning, but it could be better. I would suggest placing a well-written intro sentence in front of it to give the reader a bit of background. I don't know what the story is like yet, but here is my guesswork and additions.

The Solstice. It's a beautiful word for something so terrifying. There are many solstices throughout the year, but one tops them all. As the nights grow cold and all begin to prepare for a long winter, a new festive solstice begins.


As you can see, this gives the reader a better intro of what the solstice means for the story.

This time, it's the Star Solstice


Removing some of the front of this and adding it to the last paragraph would be a bit less choppy.

. . . new festive solstice begins. The Star Solstice.


Next, I want to point out some things that confused the reader and some other things that were absolutely awesome.

Mama Divine’s voice echoed in the room, creating a false sense of safety.


The fact that someone named "Mama Divine" gives you a dystopian sense of irony here. I don't know how to explain it, but it seems like this Mama Divine is one of the antagonists from the start. Also, I'm a little confused on the connection between an echoing voice and a false sense of safety. Personally, an echoing voice would make me scared. But that's me personally. So.

“Don’t drop it.” The firm voice filled Lotus with fear.


This gives me, the reader, an even more dystopian sense. By now, Mama Divine seems almost . . . sinister. Like she warningly threatening Lotus.

A crimson-blood red cloth was draped over the table with several glasses of clear white wine.


I think you meant "Crimson, bloodred cloth". But other than that, this is personally the best sentence in the excerpt. Why? Normally, if you use the word "Blood" as describing the color red, many would consider this metaphoric elaboration. However, if you use it after all the ominous dialogue with Mama Divine, and the final sentence warning of the Anti-Divines, it's a much more powerful sentence.

Saying that the cloth is bloodred is something you usually only do if you are very descriptive, or you are giving a warning of impending doom. :D

“We shall wish a wonderful fire solstice!”


I thought it was the Star Solstice?

And then the final sentence, standard ominous cliffhanger. I love it. Only thing is that if you are trying to aim for mysterious, this is a little too mysterious. I barely know what's going on, and then you place in the "anti-divines". So, there should be more meat in this story is what I'm trying to say. You have a great plot, but not enough elaboration.

Hope you were satisfied with this review!


Write hard, read hard, sleep hard

~y0sH!




Purple67 says...


Thanks for everyone with the comments and reviews! For you guys who need some context, here it is...
FOR YOSHIKRABS: In the world that i'm working on. there a certain solstices for every season. Each season has there very own solstice, not like in the real world where there is the winter solstice and the summer solstice.
Each solstice has a parade and a game (kinda like the hunger games) where people of different empires will fight againist eachother. The reason why it mentions the fire solstice is bacause during the spring the fire solstice begins.
Also, maybe Devine should be an antagionist.
FOR HARRYHARDY: Yes, it's made up.
THANKS!
-Purple



Yoshikrab says...


That sounds pretty cool! @HarryHardy may not be able to see this though




The first draft is a trip to the amusement park. The next drafts are returning there as a safety inspector.
— SunsetTree