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I Am Genesis (that one piece that I need to rewrite)

by Purple67


AUTHOR'S NOTE: There will be a sequel to this but I'm unsure when it will be out. (The working title will be Sisters of Genesis) This is my most recent piece and even if I wanna rewrite this to make more sense I still kinda like it. Also please excuse the missing details. Anyways enjoy. 

The Genesis Series: Part One

Brown eyes when you look at them look nice in the sun, but in reality it’s dangerous. They mean something worse than the fact of it looking like a normality. They just look hideous.

Genesis in my dreams has this feature. Genesis is probably considered hideous by definition. She’s like all the normal regular popular girls on campus using fancy matte lipstick and blonde haired girls screeching at the sight of cute boys. Which is a problem for the people living there. They hate normality. Genesis is probably a blonde haired girl who, like every popular girl, likes cute boys. She doesn’t look like me. I have brown hair with brown skin. I have scars on my face. I have blindness that blurs my vision. I know it was a lie. I can see completely fine. At least I could before my mom did surgery on my eye that made me bilnd by changing how my irises feel. They feel like sandpaper now. I’m surprised that she didn’t get sued for malpractice or something of the sort. But there’s no laws on medical malpractice, so it’s not an uncommon thing.

Who is this Genesis? I don’t know. Some people think she is a spirit that lives in unsuspecting women or girl’s bodies. Some people think it’s a hoax to scare off students. And some think it’s a disease that doctors can’t treat. There’s no time to think about it though. Time passes too quickly. Too quickly to think.

My legs start to throb and my neck swells up. My heart starts skipping beats and I for sure think it’s anaphylaxis. But then I feel someone pulling at my ponytail and I plummet to the floor, worried that it is a psychotic episode and that I need meds to fix it. But then it happened. My eyes shut and I stop breathing. Everything becomes silent.

I might seem dead to them. But this is my new life. I am Genesis.'

THE END?










































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Tue Sep 28, 2021 7:29 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Brown eyes when you look at them look nice in the sun, but in reality it’s dangerous. They mean something worse than the fact of it looking like a normality. They just look hideous.

Genesis in my dreams has this feature. Genesis is probably considered hideous by definition. She’s like all the normal regular popular girls on campus using fancy matte lipstick and blonde haired girls screeching at the sight of cute boys. Which is a problem for the people living there. They hate normality. Genesis is probably a blonde haired girl who, like every popular girl, likes cute boys. She doesn’t look like me. I have brown hair with brown skin. I have scars on my face. I have blindness that blurs my vision. I know it was a lie. I can see completely fine. At least I could before my mom did surgery on my eye that made me bilnd by changing how my irises feel. They feel like sandpaper now. I’m surprised that she didn’t get sued for malpractice or something of the sort. But there’s no laws on medical malpractice, so it’s not an uncommon thing.


Okay...a little bit of a two pronged situation going on there to start off with and I must admit to being slightly confused as to where this is trying to go. On one hand, we've got Genesis that get's spoken almost as a mysterious object in one sense but also as a mysterious person of legend...and that kind of intertwines itself into both the paragraphs for a reason that isn't fully clear. At the same time though, we also have this person introducing herself and discussing how she's considered a normality in the world which appears to be something they consider wrong...and this person also has a very low opinion of themselves...aaand on top of all of that we have the rather horrifying revelation that this person's own mother operated on them to do something to their eyes...which is properly horrifying there soo...well, this is off to quite the powerful start here albeit a tiny bit confusing, I feel like a couple of these points could maybe get their own paragraph and this would come out a little clearer.

Who is this Genesis? I don’t know. Some people think she is a spirit that lives in unsuspecting women or girl’s bodies. Some people think it’s a hoax to scare off students. And some think it’s a disease that doctors can’t treat. There’s no time to think about it though. Time passes too quickly. Too quickly to think.

My legs start to throb and my neck swells up. My heart starts skipping beats and I for sure think it’s anaphylaxis. But then I feel someone pulling at my ponytail and I plummet to the floor, worried that it is a psychotic episode and that I need meds to fix it. But then it happened. My eyes shut and I stop breathing. Everything becomes silent.

I might seem dead to them. But this is my new life. I am Genesis.


Well...that was not how I was expecting this piece to end. It built up a lot of mystery around Genesis and whether she's a person or a spirit or just some kind of thing, its a lot of things for one single entity to be considered as...a disease and a spirit are very different things after, but I love the building sense of tension there which ultimately makes this a really powerful ending here. To see this person suddenly become whoever Genesis makes for a wonderful little cliffhanger there if this is meant to continue like you mentioned, although even as a short story, this would still work, the ending would be far more haunting and mysterious but it surprisingly work. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue Sep 28, 2021 2:17 am
Ichthys wrote a review...



Ooh, I really want to know more about this mother. Now on to the plot questions: How recent exactly was this surgery? If it was further in the past, as seems to be insinuated, the narrator must have a good recall to remember all these colours. But how would she know that the girls all wear matte lipstick and so on? One can only learn so much from the other senses. Even all five aren't enough sometimes! Is it possible to sue someone for something not covered by the law at all? That'll be something fun to find out when I have the time. It must get mighty expensive. On a side note, you mis-typed "blind."
The first paragraph feels altogether too misplaced and abstract, and the second-to-last paragraph is extremely sudden, so I would suggest you use the former to lead up to the latter. Sometimes you overuse words, reusing them too close together, such as "look" in the first paragraph and "but" in the second-to-last again. The tense also tends to switch between past and present.
Overall, I really liked this... Short story? It feels more of an introduction, and you said you have another part in the works, so let's call it that. I really liked this introduction, and I look forward to the next installment!




Purple67 says...


Thanks for the review! I'm planning on making Sisters of Genesis a lot better than I Am Genesis. It may be published on my YWS blog but idk if that will be possible.

Also drink lots of water everyday.



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Mon Sep 27, 2021 3:34 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Purple67,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

That was an interesting piece. I would call it a kind of prologue, because it feels like one, and also gives the necessary foreknowledge to follow the main plot from a possible chapter 1.

The text itself was great to read and you already created a good tension based on the narrator, partly even with a possible characterisation. The narrator doesn't really seem to like herself, hate is perhaps a little too exaggerated, but there is a way out, which she seems to know and wants to do. We also learn a little about what the relationship is like with the parents, or at least with the mother. I think you've already put in some good features of what you want to create here. At the moment, I just can't say whether it falls into the horror genre or somewhere else. We'll definitely have to surprise ourselves a bit more.

Your structure is very good up to a certain point and I like the fact that at some point you also come out with the language that there is a first-person narrator. Sometimes, especially after the largest section, you abruptly switch between Genesis - the narrator - and then jump back to Genesis. I think you should try to bring the structure back to some extent so that it doesn't read so forced.

Otherwise, I think you create an exciting lead-in to a story.

Other points I noticed while reading:

Brown eyes when you look at them look nice in the sun, but in reality it’s dangerous.

Avoiding the same word in a sentence is a small priority to insert. In this case it is "look". I would work with synonyms there.

She’s like all the normal regular popular girls on campus using fancy matte lipstick and blonde haired girls screeching at the sight of cute boys.

I would split the sentence up a bit here, and possibly also put it into two sentences, otherwise it reads a bit funny.

At least I could before my mom did surgery on my eye that made me bilnd by changing how my irises feel. They feel like sandpaper now.

Again, I would try to avoid repeating words. Instead of inserting "feel" in the second sentence, you could write "they scratch".

Have fun writing!

Mailice




Purple67 says...


Thanks for the review!




The bigger the issue, the smaller you write. Remember that. You don’t write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid’s burnt socks lying on the road. You pick the smallest manageable part of the big thing, and you work off the resonance.
— Richard Price