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Longing

by Plume


EXT. PARK - DAY


A MOTHER and a DAUGHTER lie in the grass, the tops of their 
heads touching. Their caramel hair is spread around their heads like 
a halo, and glints in the bright sunlight.


MOTHER
I used to come here when I was pregnant with you.


DAUGHTER
Really?


MOTHER
Mmh-hmm. I used to imagine what it would be like with 
you in the world. How we would someday lie like this. Head to 
head, and... just talk.


The daughter giggles.


DAUGHTER
I like just talking.


The mother looks at her and smiles.


MOTHER
Me too. 


There is a comfortable silence.


MOTHER
I still remember the air on the day you came to this world. 
I was here, in this park, ten years ago. It was late autumn, 
and the weather was perfect. The leaves were the colors of 
your hair.


DAUGHTER
Like they are now?


The daughter waves her hands up at the trees surrounding them, 
whose leaves are indeed colors of gold, brown, and orange.


MOTHER
Exactly, sweetie. The air was brisk, the sky was clear, and 
I was about ready to pop! My tummy was huge!


DAUGHTER
It was me, right?

The mother sits up and pokes her daughter in the stomach. 
The daughter shrieks and giggles.


MOTHER
Yes, you silly goose, it was you. You weren’t expected 
until a couple weeks later, but I felt you coming. As soon as 
I noticed you trying to come out, I called your father. He drove 
me to the hospital, and it was all waiting from there. I remember 
we talked about names. We fantasized about how you would grow up,
 what it would be like to raise a daughter. We— we were so excited.


The sky darkens, and the mother’s face falls. The daughter 
notices and begins to worry.


DAUGHTER
Mommy?


The mother is trying to suppress tears, but they fall faintly anyways.


MOTHER
The doctor’s expression was too much to handle. 


INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT - FLASHBACK


A flashback begins, in a hospital room with faded senses. The mother is 
tired and sweaty, exhausted from giving birth. A man in a white coat 
eagerly holds up the baby, but his face becomes grave. He faintly 
whispers “I’m sorry,” but the sound is muffled by the mother’s screams at 
seeing her limp child. 


EXT. PARK - DAY


The mother is crying freely. Her daughter doesn’t understand.


DAUGHTER
Mommy? 


She reaches over to comfort her mother but she realizes her hand is gone, 
faded as if it were never there in the first place. She whimpers and cries.


DAUGHTER
MOMMY!


The daughter is no longer there. Just simply vanished, with no sign of 
her ever existing. The mother is alone, sitting on the grass under a gray, 
cloudy sky. She absently touches her stomach with both hands and speaks 
through tears.


MOTHER
I love you.


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40 Reviews


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Fri Oct 09, 2020 7:32 pm
Euphoria8 says...



Oh my gosh, I didn't see that coming! I have to say that was such a well timed plot twist, you should be proud of yourself! Many others have pointed out the suggestions I was going to give myself so really I can only review this in compliments! One of the things I enjoyed most was the change of environment along with the emotions; "caramel hair", "bright sunlight" when everything's good and well, "sky darkens" "gray cloudy sky" when things get dark.

Overall, wonderful job! You have successfully pushed me into depression territory and I don't think this piece will be leaving my head anytime soon. Thanks for sharing <3




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Fri Oct 09, 2020 7:31 pm
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Euphoria8 wrote a review...



Oh my gosh, I didn't see that coming! I have to say that was such a well timed plot twist, you should be proud of yourself! Many others have pointed out the suggestions I was going to give myself so really I can only review this in compliments! One of the things I enjoyed most was the change of environment along with the emotions; "caramel hair", "bright sunlight" when everything's good and well, "sky darkens" "gray cloudy sky" when things get dark.

Overall, wonderful job! You have successfully pushed me into depression territory and I don't think this piece will be leaving my head anytime soon. Thanks for sharing <3




Plume says...


AHH I'm glad you noticed the tone shifts!! That was intentional. And I'm glad it made such an impact on you!



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Fri Oct 09, 2020 6:59 pm
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omer wrote a review...



Amazing.
I love the format, the organized directing notes, the atmosphere you created... It's all there to support this moving script. The twist at the end is very surprising.
The only thing I'd suggest, for your consideration, is trying to make it less kitchy at some points. For example, the sentence "I still remember the air on the day you came to this world," could be a bit 'too cute' after we get the loving relationship between the characters. I think that the expansion of the sentence is unnecessary, and it could also be a simple "I remember the sense of the air on the day you where born."
Also, if the mother says she remembers the sense of the air, she might as well describe it, a little bit.
Your'e a very good, creative writer of drama. Looking forward for more writing of yours!! :)
Omer.




Plume says...


Thank you for your thoughts!



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Wed Jun 17, 2020 8:20 pm
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Lia5Giba wrote a review...



Holy heck, I love this piece. This is beautiful. Although beautiful perhaps has too much of a positive connotation. This is haunting and it strikes me to my core. The first part, which is so content and happy, is perfectly set up to be shattered by what actually happened. The last line, the last moment, is heartbreaking.

This is such a good piece. Sometimes I forget that you're not professional. I bet the people at your camp loved this. :D




Plume says...


I sure hope they did.... I think I've told you about this one before, but you'd never actually read it. I'm glad you had such a strong reaction to it! Thank you so much for your kind words, really.



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Tue Jun 16, 2020 7:29 pm
whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hello silverquill, I'm here to review your script!

It can be hard to get the right balance of dialogue and plot progression when writing a script, but I think you've got a really nice amount of both! We get to see some lovely dynamic between the mother and the daughter at the beginning of the script, which creates a sense of empathy as we read along -- we want the two characters to be happy. They do seem to be happy at the beginning, then the mood begins to change, and we start to feel like something bad is going to happen. I think you timed the plot twist pretty well, as it happens at a point where the reader is worried but still uncertain of what's going to happen.

That being said, the introduction in to the flashback felt a little bit awkward --

MOTHER
The doctor’s expression was too much to handle.

What the mother says, feels a bit too matter of fact for someone who has a lot of negative emotions tied to a memory. Something along the lines of the mother tries to say something but fails, staring sadly at her daughter might feel more emotional. Up to you though!

I find it interesting that you chose to give some information from the daughter's point of view, given that she eventually disappears and we can presume that's she's a vision/hallucination her mother is having. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I would usually expect everything to be from the mother's point of view, since the daughter essentially isn't real. But that's just a personal opinion, totally your choice as the author.

The ending line is really powerful and simple, I think it's a strong way to end the script!
MOTHER
I love you.


I did just want to mention one thing about formatting, which is obviously stylistic and not a huge deal. I would personally say that because there are so many line breaks to show different scenes/flashbacks, it might make the dialogue easier to read if it was formatted like so:
MOTHER: I love you.


That way when there are line breaks, they either show the division between characters speaking, or scene changes. Again, quite subjective, but something to think about.

Overall, this was a really strong script! You managed to fit a lot of emotions, character development, and plot, into a very short amount of writing! I'd love to read any more scripts that you write! I hope this review was helpful, and if you've got any questions about it feel free to ask (:

Keep writing!

whatchamacallit


Image




Plume says...


Thank you so much for your review! About the formatting: this is supposed to be a screenplay, so the formatting was very specific. The speaker is shown in all caps directly above the dialogue in screenplays. The formatting didn't translate very well from the document I had it in originally, so sorry if that was confusing.





You're welcome! And that makes sense about the formatting



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Tue Jun 16, 2020 4:25 pm
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Andrewknorpp wrote a review...



First off, very strong. I started reading this with a sweet smile and ended it with wet eyes. You make us feel the mother daughter dynamic early on, and the day feels nice and comfortable, so the switch near the end is all the more painful. I would only change two or maybe three things:
A) Stress how young the daughter is, I could not tell her age for a bit and it confused the tone
B) The flashback is a bit clunky, I think writing it like any other piece of the script would be good, but writing **Flashback** before it, if that makes sense. Or you could not even have a flashback, you could just have the mother narrate it in the moment.
C) I think the space between us realizing that her daughter is in fact dead and her imagination of her daughter disappearing could be dealt with differently. I think you could either drag it on a bit more, therefore twisting that knife even more. I think having the mother narrate the birth more could do this, it would keep you in the moment. Or you could speed it up, making it feel like a sucker punch, one moment its a happy day with her daughter, the next her daughter is gone and dead and the mother is broken and in tears. But thats just my two cents
But this really was fantastic, strong idea, and strong writing.




Plume says...


thank you for your comments!




Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again.
— James R. Cook