Young Writers Society

Hey Plume!

I was going through some old scripts and I came across yours - and I have to say, this was absolutely wonderful! Despite the peaceful and scenic beginning with the image of the mother and daughter lying head to head in the sun, somehow the melancholy hung like a shadow in the background. The sense of loss and grief was almost palpable and I liked the fact that you used the changing setting of the sky to portray the mother's emotions. Your use of descriptive words and the images of 'autumn', 'halo', 'sunlight' and the leaves being the color of 'golden, brown and orange' hit hard, especially since all of it dissolves in the end into the 'gray cloudy' reality that the mother has no option but to accept.

She reaches over to comfort her mother but she realizes her hand is gone,
faded as if it were never there in the first place. She whimpers and cries.

We— we were so excited.

Hi/ Namste

The essence that you expressed was something hugely different from what I expected while I was reading the beginning.
It started with a beautiful bright moment of a loving mother and daughter. The sky is brights and I could imagine warm wind to be blowing with a keen pressure over the golden crispy leaves lying softly over the lush grass around their bodies.

As the scene moved further and ended with the flashback, the sky slowly begins to turn dark and the winds were fast and cold, the golden leaves were now so dark under the grey sky.
And the tears of the mother completed the ending with a bold and powerful sadness, that is even much beautiful from what you started.

This whole scene was so touching and was appealing that now my while night would end up wondering about it.
Than you for this beautiful work.
Dhanyavad

Hi/ Namste

The essence that you expressed was something hugely different from what I expected while I was reading the beginning.
It started with a beautiful bright moment of a loving mother and daughter. The sky is brights and I could imagine warm wind to be blowing with a keen pressure over the golden crispy leaves lying softly over the lush grass around their bodies.

As the scene moved further and ended with the flashback, the sky slowly begins to turn dark and the winds were fast and cold, the golden leaves were now so dark under the grey sky.
And the tears of the mother completed the ending with a bold and powerful sadness, that is even much beautiful from what you started.

This whole scene was so touching and was appealing that now my while night would end up wondering about it.
Than you for this beautiful work.
Dhanyavad

Oh my gosh, I didn't see that coming! I have to say that was such a well timed plot twist, you should be proud of yourself! Many others have pointed out the suggestions I was going to give myself so really I can only review this in compliments! One of the things I enjoyed most was the change of environment along with the emotions; "caramel hair", "bright sunlight" when everything's good and well, "sky darkens" "gray cloudy sky" when things get dark.

Overall, wonderful job! You have successfully pushed me into depression territory and I don't think this piece will be leaving my head anytime soon. Thanks for sharing <3

Oh my gosh, I didn't see that coming! I have to say that was such a well timed plot twist, you should be proud of yourself! Many others have pointed out the suggestions I was going to give myself so really I can only review this in compliments! One of the things I enjoyed most was the change of environment along with the emotions; "caramel hair", "bright sunlight" when everything's good and well, "sky darkens" "gray cloudy sky" when things get dark.

Overall, wonderful job! You have successfully pushed me into depression territory and I don't think this piece will be leaving my head anytime soon. Thanks for sharing <3

Amazing.
I love the format, the organized directing notes, the atmosphere you created... It's all there to support this moving script. The twist at the end is very surprising.
The only thing I'd suggest, for your consideration, is trying to make it less kitchy at some points. For example, the sentence "I still remember the air on the day you came to this world," could be a bit 'too cute' after we get the loving relationship between the characters. I think that the expansion of the sentence is unnecessary, and it could also be a simple "I remember the sense of the air on the day you where born."
Also, if the mother says she remembers the sense of the air, she might as well describe it, a little bit.
Your'e a very good, creative writer of drama. Looking forward for more writing of yours!!
Omer.

Holy heck, I love this piece. This is beautiful. Although beautiful perhaps has too much of a positive connotation. This is haunting and it strikes me to my core. The first part, which is so content and happy, is perfectly set up to be shattered by what actually happened. The last line, the last moment, is heartbreaking.

This is such a good piece. Sometimes I forget that you're not professional. I bet the people at your camp loved this.

Hello silverquill, I'm here to review your script!

It can be hard to get the right balance of dialogue and plot progression when writing a script, but I think you've got a really nice amount of both! We get to see some lovely dynamic between the mother and the daughter at the beginning of the script, which creates a sense of empathy as we read along -- we want the two characters to be happy. They do seem to be happy at the beginning, then the mood begins to change, and we start to feel like something bad is going to happen. I think you timed the plot twist pretty well, as it happens at a point where the reader is worried but still uncertain of what's going to happen.

That being said, the introduction in to the flashback felt a little bit awkward --

MOTHER
The doctor’s expression was too much to handle.

MOTHER
I love you.

MOTHER: I love you.

First off, very strong. I started reading this with a sweet smile and ended it with wet eyes. You make us feel the mother daughter dynamic early on, and the day feels nice and comfortable, so the switch near the end is all the more painful. I would only change two or maybe three things:
A) Stress how young the daughter is, I could not tell her age for a bit and it confused the tone
B) The flashback is a bit clunky, I think writing it like any other piece of the script would be good, but writing **Flashback** before it, if that makes sense. Or you could not even have a flashback, you could just have the mother narrate it in the moment.
C) I think the space between us realizing that her daughter is in fact dead and her imagination of her daughter disappearing could be dealt with differently. I think you could either drag it on a bit more, therefore twisting that knife even more. I think having the mother narrate the birth more could do this, it would keep you in the moment. Or you could speed it up, making it feel like a sucker punch, one moment its a happy day with her daughter, the next her daughter is gone and dead and the mother is broken and in tears. But thats just my two cents
But this really was fantastic, strong idea, and strong writing.