Young Writers Society

Hello this is Foxmaster!!!🦊
Tis was a very original idea. I liked it a lot and all the characters

At rise: ROWAN, a college student, sleeps downstage left. Somewhere, a clock reading 2:59.

A few moments pass. 3 o’clock hits. ROWAN shifts.

Then, THREE GHOSTS (sheets and all) emerge from stage right. They are doing ghostly things and making ghostly noises. You know, spooky. ONE, ASHLEY, is less enthusiastic than the others.

GHOSTS: OOoooOOOoooOOOooOOOO!

The GHOSTS continue this spooky spectacle, forming a semicircle around the sleeping ROWAN.

TESSIE: See, I was raised by my Ma and Pa in the good ol’ West. When I was still a youngin, Ma died. She tripped over a rock in the yard. At least, that’s what Pa told me. He also said that “she had it comin’” and that “the poison he put in her breakfast that morning finally kicked in,” but I didn’t think too much of it.

ROWAN: Whoa there. Have you ever thought that maybe… your dad killed her?

TESSIE: Mmm… Nah, I’m pretty sure it was the rock. ‘Course, Pa kicked me outta the house real soon after. I got a job herdin’ cattle, and it paid the bills for a bit, but then I fell into trouble. Ran my mouth out at the saloon, and found myself pacin’ ten with Killer Kenny, one of the most villainous outlaws that side of the Rio Grande. We started the shootout, but then I felt my legs fly out from under me. I do not believe you’ll be able to guess what caused it.

Pause.

ASHLEY: Won’t you enlighten us?

TESSIE: It was that same rock! ‘Course, I was shot three times straight through the chest at that point, so everything got a little fuzzy, but I’d know those non-clastic planes anywhere.

ROWAN: Mm. Did you ever think that maybe you died because of those three chest shots, and not the rock?

TESSIE: Oh, nah. I was too consumed by my contempt of the rock to consider any other options. So now you see.

-C. Carson speaking

GOOD THINGS:
I like how you give the option to change character genders, depending on the reader's preference. I like the general concept of someone giving therapy to ghosts, as I don't think I've seen it before. Also very wholesome.

BAD THINGS:
Personally I use " to indicate speech("Like this") and * to indicate actions(*Like this*).

-Corp. Cleo Carson
-[REDACTED] County Sheriff's Office

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay...this was a really interesting little script here. I think it would work wonders as a short, funny piece that still manages to hit home about a couple of pretty heavy points if you let yourself think for a bit.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Then, THREE GHOSTS (sheets and all) emerge from stage right. They are doing ghostly things and making ghostly noises. You know, spooky. ONE, ASHLEY, is less enthusiastic than the others.

The GHOSTS continue this spooky spectacle, forming a semicircle around the sleeping ROWAN. They don't stir. The GHOSTS continue for a while, until…

One drops its arms, tearing off the sheet to reveal a person dressed in 16th century England garb.

OSBERT: ‘Tis but a folly. ‘Tis no use; they slumber still. And this cloth doth shroud my good side.

A second GHOST rips off its sheet, revealing TESSIE, a cowpoke.

TESSIE: Aw, the point ain’t to look good, Ozzie! It’s to scare the bejeezus outta ‘em!

The third, least enthusiastic GHOST removes its sheet, bunches it up, and throws it offstage.

ASHLEY: Well. This is a kinda stupid way to do it. I told you we should’ve written weird messages on their mirror or something.

OSBERT: Indeed. Or flogged them as they slept!

ASHLEY (concerned): Oooor maybe not doing that!

TESSIE: I guess y’all are right. Don’t know what I was thinkin’, honestly.

They examine each ghost carefully. TESSIE is frozen, OSBERT is posing, and ASHLEY looks indifferent.

ROWAN: Am I… dreaming? Is this real? (pauses) Are you my sleep paralysis demons?

OSBERT: No, fool. See you horns? I think not.

TESSIE: Oz, you ain’t too good at this ghost thing.

OSBERT: Dost thou expect me to remain mum when another so accuses me of witchcraft and devilry? Cattleherd, thou art foolish.

ROWAN: So you’re ghosts?

ASHLEY: You don’t seem too shocked.

ROWAN: I’m a psychology major. Not much fazes me. So, uhhhh. What brings you to my dorm? And why’d you knock over my clock?

TESSIE: The clock was my fault, and I apologize. You seem like a real upright person, and knockin’ your clock over wasn’t how my momma raised me. I’m sorry.

TESSIE tips her hat. ROWAN looks amused.

OSBERT: And we toil still on this mortal plane, for reasons we know not fully, but only surmise on— that the inopportune nature, untimely as it was, of our deaths, keeps us here to someday resolve that which we could not.

ROWAN: As much as I’ve, uh… enjoyed talking to you all, it’s pretty early. Could you clear out? You know, leave? I’ve got an early psychology class in the morning, and—

OSBERT: Again, you mention this…psy-chology. What strange words you speak, fool.

TESSIE: I’m with Osbert on that. Sounds suspicious, this… psycho-ology stuff.

ASHLEY: Shut up guys, they’re just saying they’re a head shrinker.

OSBERT begins worriedly grasping his head.

ROWAN: Well. Studying to be one. And I prefer the title “psychologist.”

ROWAN: Agree to what?

TESSIE (catching on): Aw, Ozzie, that’s pretty smart!!

ROWAN: What’s smart?

ASHLEY: Since you’re a shrink, maybe you could help us pass on to the next life. Lead us in our journey of finding our unfinished business and help us have profound moments so we can finally be at peace.

ROWAN: Oh. Uh. I’m not so sure I could do that. They don’t really train us regarding… ghostly therapy.

OSBERT: Prithee, fool. ‘Twould mean the worth of five hens to me should you agree.

TESSIE: We’d all be greatly in your debt.

ROWAN looks at ASHLEY, who shrugs.

OSBERT: Twas a night much like this one, when I met my demise. Dark, as is the way of the night. I was but a mere child, or felt as weak as one. And there it came; but smoke, what shadow, dashing o’er the cobbles! In through my eyes and ears, a pestilential cloud, and so this world became dark, and I departed, cut off from the mortal coil into the immortal one.

ROWAN: Could we, uh... try that again? Maybe without the flowery language?

OSBERT: The plague, fool!

ROWAN: Ah. I see.

OSBERT: And all before I made mine own debut performance!

ROWAN: Oh! Were you starring in something?

OSBERT: Alas, no. My career as a player had yet to begin. Such potential, wasted!

OSBERT: Speak you all the truth? Never have I been so praised. Ah! I feel as though I walk within the shoes of Hermes himself. My heart be lifted with your kindly words. And— oh! What might this feeling be? An unspoken force doth pull me away.

Fun lighting begins. OSBERT begins to move further stage right, as if pulled.

TESSIE: Aw, stop messin’ with us.

OSBERT: ‘Tis no trick, cattleherd! Verily, I believe myself to be ascending to heaven!

OSBERT continues to be “pulled” offstage. The OTHERS watch on in stunned silence. After a few moments, OSBERT is gone.

ROWAN: Well… that worked. Surprisingly.

TESSIE: See, I was raised by my Ma and Pa in the good ol’ West. When I was still a youngin, Ma died. She tripped over a rock in the yard. At least, that’s what Pa told me. He also said that “she had it comin’” and that “the poison he put in her breakfast that morning finally kicked in,” but I didn’t think too much of it.

ROWAN: Whoa there. Have you ever thought that maybe… your dad killed her?

TESSIE: Mmm… Nah, I’m pretty sure it was the rock. ‘Course, Pa kicked me outta the house real soon after. I got a job herdin’ cattle, and it paid the bills for a bit, but then I fell into trouble. Ran my mouth out at the saloon, and found myself pacin’ ten with Killer Kenny, one of the most villainous outlaws that side of the Rio Grande. We started the shootout, but then I felt my legs fly out from under me. I do not believe you’ll be able to guess what caused it.

Pause.

ASHLEY: Won’t you enlighten us?

TESSIE: It was that same rock! ‘Course, I was shot three times straight through the chest at that point, so everything got a little fuzzy, but I’d know those non-clastic planes anywhere.

ROWAN: Mm. Did you ever think that maybe you died because of those three chest shots, and not the rock?

TESSIE: Oh, nah. I was too consumed by my contempt of the rock to consider any other options. So now you see.

ROWAN: Maybe the rock feels really bad, you know? And if it’s remorseful, then do you have a right to hate it? Could you find it in yourself to forgive it?

TESSIE: Well, now… I’ve never thought about it like that.

ROWAN: So?

ROWAN: Come here.

They pat the bed beside them. ASHLEY groans but obliges, settling down.

ROWAN: So what’s your unfinished business?

ASHLEY: I don’t know.

ROWAN stares at her.

ASHLEY: I’m being serious!'

ASHLEY (yelling): I killed myself, okay??

ROWAN falls silent.

ASHLEY: So yeah. That’s why I don’t have any unfinished business or whatever. ‘Cause my life wasn’t taken from me. I didn’t have big dreams, or plans, or a destiny, or whatever. It wasn’t a big tragedy, like some accident or disease took me dramatically from the world of the living. It was just me in my bathroom and some Tylenol. Too much Tylenol. And so I have no idea what the hell my unfinished business is, because this? This was what I chose. There was nothing for me in my old life, and so I left it. By choice. And ended up here.

ROWAN: I used to have… thoughts. Thoughts that I think you had too. And it got so bad that one day I found myself on my bathroom floor and I just… I didn’t want to be living. I wanted it all to be gone. I felt worthless. Of course, I didn’t actually… kill myself. I— my parents— I saw a therapist. I got some medication. I felt a lot better. It’s actually part of the reason I uh… decided to study psychology. I want to help people like me. Like you.

Beat.

ROWAN: If I could hug you right now, I would.

ASHLEY laughs.

ASHLEY: Thanks. But still. Now you see. I’m just as hopeless as I was alive. First I was stuck there, and now… now I’m stuck here.

ROWAN: Osbert finally got a sense of achievement. Tessie was able to accept the truth. Maybe all you have to do is learn that you’re not worthless.

ASHLEY: That’s cheesy.

ROWAN: It’s still worth a shot. Come on. Tell me five things you like about yourself. Take as much time as you need.

ASHLEY: This is stupid.

ROWAN: Ab bup bup! I don’t want to hear it. Come on. I believe in you.

ROWAN: One.

ASHLEY: I like how you didn’t think I was beyond help. How there’s something in me that you saw that wasn’t broken.

ROWAN: You were never broken, Ashley. You were always enough.

ASHLEY leaves the stage, dreamlike. Again, lighting. ROWAN pauses for a moment after she’s gone.

ROWAN: Well. I guess it was that easy.

They yawn, and settle back into bed. They sleep for a few seconds, until…

The alarm clock sounds from the floor. ROWAN groans.

Hi Plume,

Mailice here with a short review!

A nice little story you've written here that was entertaining from start to finish, with some unexpected twists that were extremely effective and well inserted. I came into the piece completely ignorant, and was surprised to find some moments in there that made me not only laugh or smile, but also think. It was strange because you started off really impressively.

They are doing ghostly things and making ghostly noises. You know, spooky. ONE, ASHLEY, is less enthusiastic than the others.

OSBERT: Again, you mention this…psy-chology. What strange words you speak, fool.

ROWAN: So what was it? Poison? Internal bleeding? Head trauma? Pneumonia? Influenza? Arsenic? Bad burrito? Early-onset arthritis?

Hi Plume!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I don't think I have ever reviewed a script before, so I apologize beforehand for anything I might interpret wrong. I also may no have any criticism to offer about the structure of the script (owing to the fact I have never reviewed any!), but this was such an entertaining read that I felt like I had to share my thoughts about it!

Style:

Something that I really like about your writing style is how you manage to create this lightness about your stories that make them such an effortless read. Even when dealing with serious subjects like suicide and death and murder, you managed to capture an energy that contrasts sharply with the heaviness of the issues you have presented here. And in turn you presented something that was so wholesome and fulfilling that you really left me with a smile.

I really liked the way you have interlaced humor with emotion to create something that is both entertaining and meaningful. At times, I was laughing out loud at the hilarity and the theatrics of the characters and other times, my heart was aching at the innocence of the characters who probably do not even realize the ordeal they have gone through. However, throughout the story, you had us completely enraptured. And I think that is something else I admire about your writing style - your ability to elicit genuine reaction from people through your simple narration and realistic characters.

Characters:

And coming to the characters, you have portrayed them all with such a wild energy that it took almost no effort at all to connect with them from their very first appearance. All the three ghosts had such distinct personalities that complimented each other in this perfect chaotic way. I loved all three of them - whether it was Osbert's flair for theatrics, or Tessie's oblivious yet endearing innocence or Ashley's tragic and well-meaning character. All three of them tugged at different corners of my heart and had such a strong and established presence that I almost felt sorry when of them left the story after attaining peace.

Another thing that I really liked was how instead of focusing on the tragedy of their pasts, you presented their stories in a hilarious manner that somehow engaged our emotions even more. Because these characters are so good and well-meaning and genuine, it really breaks our heart when we realize how oblivious they are to certain truths that could have probably made a whole lot of differences in their lives. It was so easy to invest in their stories and empathize with them along the way.

Dialogue:

I loved how distinct the dialogue of every character was. You have really succeeded in giving them their own voice and their personality was very evident in the way they expressed themselves. For examples, while Osbert's voice was a little dramatic and boastful, Tessie's was almost childishly innocent and naive. At the same time, we go on a different route with Ashley who does not share any similarities with the other two ghosts. We can sense the guarded insecurity and vulnerability in him especially in the moments he tries his hardest to remain stoic and unmoving. In the short monologue that follows his admission of committing suicide, the tone of the dialogue changes, deepens and presents us this raw vulnerability in a carefully controlled delivery. I appreciated the fact that you didn't try to pack the scene with tragedy and deep meanings; they came naturally and effortlessly because of the simple way you have dealt with this character.

Some other points:

Could we, uh. Try that again? Maybe without the flowery language?

I know it’s he was already dead ‘n all, but I wasn’t expectin’ him to just… vanish like that.

Hello and good afternoon! Before I get into this, I should say that I'm no expert in regard to screenplay, so most of my compliments and criticism may stay at a certain surface level.
However, despite my inexpertise on the matter, I could still easily see that this was everything from fun, wholesome, and heartbreaking. You got several laughs from me, but by far my favorite line was "They examine each ghost carefully. TESSIE is frozen, OSBERT is posing, and ASHLEY looks indifferent." Not only does it perfectly incapsulate each ghosts character, it immediately endeared me to every one of them. Honestly, I almost wish we could spend more time with them, as they were all so much fun! I even related to Rowan, and loved how three ghostly beings haunting their room hardly phased them.
My one real nitpick was that you used two question marks in "ASHLEY (yelling): I killed myself, okay??" It was a heavy moment, but the punctuation felt a tad cartoonish and it almost took me out of the narrative. It's a really minor thing, but I would consider changing it. I feel like if you wanted to emphasize "okay" you could've just italized it, and it would have a similar effect.
Other than that, this really was a fantastic piece! I mean, you managed to make me feel attached to four different characters in the span of a couple short minutes, which is no easy feat! Keep on writing, and have a wonderful day!