She was rock against the sea;
the salty, scratching sea.
She was doom in daylight's wake,
never to see a sunrise.
She waited out eroding winds,
and let them tear her down.
Nothing could break her will
to become the Nothingness;
the afterlife of heaven;
the waking nightmare of hell.
She dreamed whilst others screamed,
thinking nothing of the sound.
For her the chore of living
was more customary than chilling.
The water and the wind
erased all but the core-
her unconscious state of being.
But nothing had been left
of the rock against the sea;
the salty, scratching sea.
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If others don't think that this is genius, then that is just sad. This is quite the poem you have. I love the first two lines, they just seemed to be 'that' style, the style that I'm really into. I haven't found a poem that's 'that' style on here for a long time, so congrats to you!
The mental images I got were a little bit absurd and scary. I pictured her brain wading in a mud puddle. I laughed pretty hard....Maybe something could be done to fix the confusion?
Happy Review Day!
yubbies21
HI,
Just to start of with - even if you skimmed the poem you get an overwhelming sense of emotion and overall it is such a refreshingly raw piece of writing. One of the lines that stood out was
" Nothing could break her will to being the Nothingness" - the reason i was attracted to this so much is because when reading the first part i immediately thought oh here it goes - this is where it will say nothing could break her will to carry on or to keep on surviving or something of that sort - but it leads on to basically say she wants to disappear - and i like that because its truthful. When someone is in that amount of pain emotionally this is exactly how they feel and most of the time it's not a hopeful story - its hard and yeah i liked that. Probably the only fault i could find was that at the beginning you describe this girl as a rock in the sea and you keep up that metaphor for most of the poem and then just the last couple lines you change it to describe her as a plant - with the roots in the mud and whilst i liked that i just feel that it was a bit of an abrupt change.
overall i really enjoyed reading this
from cara f x
Thanks for the feedback!
Hi Picklesole,DK with review here
Not mean to be rude, just giving constructive criticism here
First of all, I really like to find the root behind every poems written by a person.So the poem that you have written, I believe it due to the thought of being swept away with the feelings and thoughts in aspects of life through your point of view.Indeed I like the way you twisted me here
Very nice comparison to describe her in rough way.
Feelings of hopelessness can be detected in these lines.
Your poem is difficult to predict, requiring sharp scrutiny and confusing. It becomes something unique in your poem as the theme may revolve about dreams and reality by the less fortunate girl in this poem.
But why did you not state the reasons for why she is behaving this way?It may be able to explain a little situation being experienced by her.
Overall,this is quite an interesting poem to read.Just improve a bit on rhythm to make it more interesting to read.Keep it up!
Kudos,cheers.
Thank you for the feedback! I don't really know why I didn't state any reasons, the poem seemed finished when I wrote the last line, and I guess it makes it more mysterious or something thinking back on it.