A Beating Thing

by Picklesole

Published January 18, 2012

In Poems

 

Spoiler! :
Before you read it (or after) , just know that this is a mother talking about her newborn daughter. The rest you can figure out, sooo enjoy! :D




Since when have I last seen
The pulse of a heart so pristine?
I feel as if I've never heard
A beat like hers, so fast and new

She comes into the world unknowing
Of the grief and pain she must endure
And yet she clings to us so tight,
As is we won't cause her any strife

She's so pure and unfilthy,
It's a pity she was born into this family
We've no love, no stories to give her
But she's already brought us together

She's a miracle in everyway,
And it's likely I'll never forget
Everything she's done for us
Just by being there, learning her words
I know one day she'll use them
To change the world

When I listen to her heart
I hear it beat, beat, beat
And I wonder if she came here
From somewhere above

If I think about the chances
I've already been given
I know I must be careful
With my decisions

Because I've ruined love
So many times
And I don't think I can stand it
If I become her heart's bandit

She's my connection
To a world of affection
I've lost it, but never had it
Will she be my miraculous
Life changer,
Decision maker,
Love taker, in my life?

 

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Kale
Review
Kale wrote a review Review · May 25, 2012

As is we won't cause her any strife

"As is", or "as if"? If the former, you need a comma after "is". If the latter, it's a reminder to not trust spellcheck for such programs do not always detect words that are spelled correctly but misused.

We've no love, no stories to give her
But she's already brought us together

These two lines contradict each other, in addition to contradicting the adoring wonder of all the prior lines.

She's a miracle in everyway,

"Every way" is two words.

One other thing: what happened to the rhyme in this stanza? It just seems to evaporate. Come to think of it, the rhyming throughout this poem is rather inconsistent. Are you or are you not trying to rhyme? Alternating can sometimes work, and until I started looking for it after that one stanza, the switches weren't obvious, but it's a bit confusing to your readers if you switch between rhyming and not rhyming within stanzas without a clear pattern, and right now, there's no clear pattern to the changes.

I've lost it, but never had it
Will she be my miraculous
Life changer,
Decision maker,
Love taker, in my life?

And then the flow, which was pretty smooth throughout the poem except for that hiccup in the middle, was completely derailed in these last few lines.

Overall, this wasn't a bad poem, but it wasn't particularly engaging, either. To be honest, it was rather bland sappiness, and the worries were so vague because the reasons for them were so vaguely mentioned, they didn't really have any impact on me as a reader.

Try including more specific cases, incidents, images. They'll help reinforce the emotions behind and within your poems. Also decide whether or not you're going to rhyme and, if you do, what pattern you will follow. Rhyming relies on patterns, and rhyming sets up the expectations for patterns; failing to follow through on one when the other is present rarely turns out well.



The reason a boat sinks isn't the water around it. It sinks when water gets into it. Don't let what's happening around you weigh you down.
— dalisay