Sink

Hello!

So, interesting poem. Nice and short.

However I am unsure what point it's trying to make. I get the whole dead inside contrasting with the dead outside. But is it that she's longing to be dead outside too? Is she just longing to not be dead inside? Is she giving excuses for why she can't seem to cry for the dead? What is it?

This whole poem seems rather melodramatic. Really? Clawing at the ground? That sounds really emotional rather than dead inside, you get what I mean?

I'm curious about this gravestone. When you say she "found" it, does that mean she just stumbled across it? Why is she mourning the death of someone she probably never met? If that wasn't your intention, you should maybe change "found" to something sounding less accidental.

I don't understand what you mean by "would have been more someday" is that a way of saying that this "beauty" had a lot of potential? It reads pretty awkward.

Also, you seem to be attempting to rhyme? Don't. I think it's making this more confusing and awkward, plus the rhyme isn't consistent and the rhymes themselves are forced. Just write what you mean to say. ^^

Let me know if you have any questions, or if I can do anything to help!
And above all, keep writing!

Kind a beautiful eerie ,i like the message.. We people are really dead from inside specially in the modern era. Quite thoughtful.....

Hey
Short and simple, I like it. One big thing for me is rhyming (I'm famously averse to it). Here you have a pretty solid rhyme in your first couple of lines, which I actually like, but then you didn't rhyme again in the poem. It set up a nice little mental pattern that you immediately broke. I was confused. I think you either need to rhyme the whole way through, or cut the rhyme, and change the flow of the poem.

'I remain frigid, choking on open air' (I think it needs the comma) is a great line. I really like it.
The ending was maybe a bit too abrupt? I don't know, that might be how you wanted it to be.

It's good. It's not giving us too much, it isn't over the top. It's just short and simple. Well done

Okay so if I could describe this poem word one word it would be 'wow'. This poem is exactly that... Wow! There is so much emotion captivated in a short beautiful poem. So, I mean why not take this poem line by line and just dig into it.

1. I sink to my knees
Okay, so I think that this is a great starting line. Starting lines are essential to a poem. If you don't captivate the reader the ready of the poem is just blah... You know. I can tell you right now that this line is captivating and it ties in the title, which is also amazing!

2. And claw at the ground
This line gives a visual image of pain. The way you worded it gives a lot more meanig to the word pain. This description allows a little open mindedness and flexibility to people's vision of this poem. Because, at the end of the day, everyone's perspective is different.

3. Pounding and moaning
Again great verbs but also two great adjectives to describe pain. It gives a great image of emotion. So yeah... good job!

4. At the gravestones I've found.
Now the secret is out. The pain this person is feeling is from a death. Who's death? Well tgats the mystery that keeps the reader tagged in. So, way to keep the reader intrigued I the story! It really adds to it.

5."Oh, the death of a beauty."
This is an amazing line that helps show the pain this perso is feeling. From my perspective it's because of a love this person had for the one that died. Whether that is accurate or not, I don't know, but that's just my perspective.

6. They say.
This line is Hirt and sweet. The only comment I have is, who's they?

7. "Would have been more one day."
This line is beautiful yet depressing line. I think that that is all to need said.

8. The girl in the brush
The picture really adds to the overall poem and story. It's really beautiful how you make that work. It adds a visual effect that I think that some poems lack in, but not yours!

9. Lays cold and quite cozy
This is a nice line to sort of portray death. While for the person once they are dead they are "at peace" but as I read on I learned that the person left behind is not. This line really shaped the ending, which is great.

10. But I remain frigid
Here's what death is like for the person left behind. I think that this is relatable to a lot of people going through death of loved ones, and I think that this line really gets to the emotional pain someone goes through! Very well worded!

11. Choking on open air.
This line really reveals the pain that hasn't been shown yet. I think that it metaphorically shows the struggle of moving past a death of someone you love. This is a great line with a lot of symbolism behind it.

12. What more could you expect
This line really leaves you hanging, but obivously there's one more line.

13. When you are dead inside?
This is a great yet depressing ending. This really tied everything together really nicely, and yet this question is a really good way to show that even if you don't physically pass away, sometimes you can emotionally pass away because of an immense amount of pain.

Overall this poem was amazing and you have a lot of potential. Thanks for letting me break it down and just sharing my perspective on yor piece!

Keep writing bro.

~#41