Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
"Is the light on?"
She asked
With her twinkling eyes
"Of course it is, honey"
Was his whispered reply
"But what if you leave me?"
She slipped out of her dress.
"It's impossible, Hayley
I would never"
Unbuckling his belt
"How can I know?"
While inviting him closer
Like a lone pawn to the queen.
-
"Is the light on?"
She questioned
Tumbling on her knees
"I'm here for you"
He moaned
With fingers through her curls
"But how will you show me?"
She paused;
He erupted.
"The light's on, Hayley
Can't you see what it means?"
Resting his heavy head
He had trapped the little bird in it's cage;
Gave less than what was received.
-
His eyes grew ditsy
Their minds into mist
"Is the light on?"
She implored
With an exalted sigh
"There's no doubt in my mind"
But the light was not on;
Little was known
It had been off all the while.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hello, steampowered here for a rare poetry review!
This was an interesting poem, although I’m not entirely sure what the concept of the light being on means – I’m assuming it means he has some kind of passion for her, and when he says it he means he loves her (although he clearly has lost his love for her) though I suppose it could mean other things…
When I first started reading I thought there was a kind of rhyming pattern to this poem:
I’m assuming this rhyming here was unintentional, but it was pretty, and when I read on I kind of became thrown by the fact you didn’t keep up this rhyming. I think it would be really nice if the poem rhymed like this all the way through (third line rhyming with fifth line) but if you don’t want to do that I suggest you make sure none of it rhymes, or it’ll plant false expectations in the reader’s mind.
OK, so we all know what this means, but maybe some metaphor in here might be interesting, for example likening him to a volcano and using words that the reader associates volcanoes, for dramatic effect (hot, fiery, uncontrollable, or something else you can think of that somehow fits the context)
This was an interesting analogy. The only thing I’d suggest is that it’s should be its.
Sorry I’m not very experienced with poetry, but hopefully I helped!
Its been beautifully described. Welcoming the renaissance of romantic affection ; while at the same moment bringing up some suspense; dramatic feelings ; and a bounded bond that leaves the reader way enthusiastic on energy levels.
p.s The different thing that makes it count is the 'conversing way' which is not so occasionally found regarding such poems. so it gets a + point from that point of view as well.