Through life's dark tunnels of mayhem and hell
I stand shivering and lacking a pair
Like a bright star had been stuck down and fell
I find you shining with moments to spare
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Left dazed and confused in composition
Lost as I, you withhold wondrous frets
Latched to your words, I intently listen
Thinking of us and life's many roulettes
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Irises of quiet ocean breezes
And gliding nose like a gentle ski slope
Hair of dark umber and whirling creases
Smile like sunshine in a world of taupe
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With velveteen voice and twinkling eyes
Words in cresting waves upon heated sands
While speaking to me my heart soars and flies
My body stays cold; warm my frozen hands.
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Contemplate quickly, for answer you must
Do tell me: is there something about us?
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Liked it except "My body stays cold:warm my frozen hands".
Didn't really need that line after all the great imagery before.It sounded a bit cliche.
The last two lines sounded like you were forcing someone and that sort of threw off the paced
poetic wording used during the poem.end it with one final slow and deep line and that will be great,and "Like a bright star had been stuck down and fell" smudges your poem again cliche choice.Be as original as you can so people will remember all your lines.
love it it sound's good I love the first part
*stands up and claps*
Bravo! Bravo! This is absolutely beautiful! The detail in this makes me think of an amazing and gorgeous boy - almost a god! And that is how I know it is amazing!
I am not in the know of the law of sonnets but I think there should be a comma "Latched to your words, I intently listen" and a period at the end of "My body stays cold; warm my frozen hands." It makes it seem more of a demand like you are telling this god-like boy to hold your hands before you die.
*claps again* It is truly beautiful!