I came to your whim only once
I let you draw me in
Eyes like loud, shouting evergreens
I melted in your arms.
Passion as fast as the wind
And as deep as the mantle
I gave you all I had of me.
Lips like sweet honeysuckle
And warm tongue like fire
I could not deny you
As you possessed my desires.
-
But love fell short
Like tinder into smoke
While time was the iron rod.
Your dimples became wells
As my eyes condensed to monsoon clouds
With burning embers subsiding
The end was clear.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hey there! This is barely a review, so I made it a comment so your work can get noticed and have a better review than this... Anyways, I absolutely loved this poem, the description is amazing and it flows pretty well. Loved it!
I just loved it! Ahhhh! Perfect!My one pick, though, is the ending. I know this poem does not rhyme, but I feel like the very last lines could be shifted.
Excellent job and Happy Writing!
Hello, PaperNessa!
The phrasing is a bit awkward here. A whim isn't really something people would come to-- perhaps say, "On your whim, I came". While there is a little slant rhyme between whim and in, there isn't a definite rhyme scheme throughout the poem, so in this case, I'd sacrifice the rhyme for less awkward phrasing.I enjoyed reading this because your imagery is beautiful, and you incorporate it into a cohesive unit smoothly.
That being said, I do have a few suggestions for change that might make this even better.
First, I'd like you to take a look at this article: Capitalization in Poetry . I notice that you capitalize the first letter of each line. While that's totally acceptable, I just thought I'd put this here so maybe you might try something new. Along that vein, I notice that you use punctuation at the end of each line. While in most places, this works, sometimes the commas caused unnatural pauses that wouldn't be there if you had left out the commas. It created a bit of a distracting rhythm at times. I suggest you look through the poem and decide whether or not the end punctuation is necessary at times.
All right, so I like this line because it's new, and it makes me think sideways, which is what I like. However, I'm not so sure that it's working within the poem. It's got kinda a beatnik feel to it, while the rest of the poem is pretty prim and proper. So maybe analyze what you're trying to say here and word it differently? If the eyes are like loud evergreens, perhaps they're brilliantly green? So maybe a way to say this that would give a slightly more cohesive image would be to characterize a group of evergreens as something noisy (as in a murder of crows, a clowder of cats, etc.). Instead of a stand of evergreens (the proper term), maybe you could say, "Eyes like a shout of evergreens".
This line borders on cliche-- perhaps find something else that is deep?
I'm not really digging the ellipsis at the end of this line. It trails off, but not in a good way. I think ending it with a full stop would be a stronger choice for you to make.
If the title of this poem had not been Fire Poker, I would not have known what the iron rod was. I think you should just forge ahead and use fire poker here instead of iron rod, just to increase clarity.
I love this line so much. You have no idea.
Altogether, I love your images, and you really put them together in a pleasing way. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy poeting!
Hello Retro here for a review!
First off i'll do some nitpicks, then talk about what i liked, okay?
My first nitpick, and really this is a surface thing, but i feel as though this needs to be in two stanzas. When your poem shifts from positive to negative I feel as though there should be a clear break from the ideas, but that is just a suggestion.
'Like tinder into smoke, '
Tinder as in the dating app? Because if that's what you mean i really don't get the metaphor here? or am i being dense and not getting it?
But that is literally it. This poem is flawless, I love it. You have some great imagery here, which i adore. Especially 'your dimples became wells' because that is some really deep beautiful stuff that made me take a pause.
This is literally outstanding,
well done.
Liked,
Retro
Two things: 1) Young Writers Society would not publish the space for me to separate the stanzas, and 2) "tinder" is wood and other dry materials used for making a fire.
Otherwise, thank you so much for the kind words. I really appreciate it.
Hey, farah here to review.
This work doesn't need in any nitpicking. At least, there's nothing I can think of.
Your poetry conveys a deep and vivid imagery. It's beautiful. Loved the personifications "And warm tongue like fire." "Your dimples became wells". And the the last stanza was elegantly written. Overall, a great read. Well done.
Thank you so much.