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16+ Language

The Murderer

by Panikos


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Author's Note: This is one of my weird, experimental pieces and I'm not altogether sure that I like it. I wrote it on a whim and I feel like it kind of veered off a bit at the end and became disjointed, so I could do with some opinions on it. All reviews would be appreciated.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Hey. You know who I am? I’m a Murderer.

Oh, look at you. Recoiling. Pulling a face. I guess you don’t like that word. Is ‘killer’ any better? Probably not. There’s no nice way of putting it. ‘Murderer’ is just one of those terms that can’t be redressed as positive, though I guess that’s a good thing, isn’t it?

What’s that look? Curiosity? Oh, you’re wondering how I became a Murderer. Well, that’s a very short story wrapped up in a very long story that nobody wants to hear, so let’s just settle for the short one. I stabbed a guy in the neck, though I can’t really remember where. Someplace painful.

There’s that look again. But it’s not just disgust, is it? It’s interest. I’m your little monster – some decrepit, other-worldly creature that’s human enough to be fascinating but not enough to be terrifying. I speak and eat and drink and sleep and scratch my arse like all of you, but I also plunged a blade into someone’s flesh and left it there, so that makes me different.

At least, that’s what you like to think.

So, how did I go from boy to Murderer? Early November, it was, and pissing it down with rain. There was an assortment of pans scattered around my flat, meticulously arranged to catch the water that my roof seemed incapable of blocking out, and my central heating had broken down with impeccable timing. I’d woken up too early to a blaring alarm and had to haul myself out of the flat with little more than black coffee to keep me upright, then waved at a neighbour as I walked down the greying stairs. Whilst waiting for the train, I picked up the dropped toy of a screaming toddler and handed it to an exhausted-looking mother, and she thanked me for it with a wan smile.

(Too normal.)

I got sandwiched into the corner of my seat on a train by a fat man who breathed too heavily and muttered racist remarks under his breath, drawing frowns into his direction, and as I pulled into the station I was overwhelmed with a craving for chicken nuggets. I slaved away from nine to five in a supermarket for pay that would never, ever be able to dig me out of the life I was stuck in, stacking boxes on shelves and dealing with unbelievably stupid people who blatantly flouted the ‘customer is always right’ theory.

(Too normal.)

In the evening, I met my girlfriend in a restaurant that thought it was classier than it was and I bought the fanciest meal I could with the smallest amount of money possible. I ate pretentious pieces of rare steak because that’s what adults do, even though all I really wanted was chicken nuggets with shitty, cheap tomato ketchup.

(Too normal.)

And at half past eleven that night, I met a man in a grubby park and stabbed him in the neck.

Was there a reason? Maybe. Does it matter? Probably not. I still wanted the chicken nuggets. I still smiled at a child on public transport the following day.

So who am I? That’s what everybody wants to know.

I’m the guy you didn’t expect. I’m a Person.


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Mon Jan 27, 2014 1:03 pm
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Bol wrote a review...



So, Pandemonium, hello.
What can I say? Wow. I love stories like this, narrated by someone witty and the person you'd expect to nail you with a snide remark every other sentence. I was a big fan of the Bartimeaus trilogy in its hey day, and this reminds me of that in so many ways I just can't count them out.
I like this character because I relate so well to him, and I'm sure a hundred other people do too. Going about the mundane motions of life, dealing with frustrating imbeciles everyday, everywhere. Especially the cravings, but I lean more towards instant noodles. But still, the frustration and anger and hate for the ditch you've driven into is something I'm more than familiar with, and I know how easy it is to just let all that vent onto one poor, unfortunate person. In fact, this story gives me some 'interesting' ideas... HUEHUEHUE.
Still, nice story, I didn't find any errors or typos in here. My policy when reviewing stories is to do only one thorough read-through to be like a person who's reading that story in a book for the first time, because honestly, who's going to analyse every single sentence for typos? So no errors I found, good story line and that last sentence just gave me goosebumps. Nice job, very nice.




Panikos says...


Thank you! :)



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Fri Jan 24, 2014 7:43 pm
carbonCore wrote a review...



Spoiler! :
insanity, just a word used to sum up
all the things they've heard
all my deeds,
all the blood,
all the drugs

what i did to those pretty little girls
pieces that were missing in the puzzle i created
children in the streets, lying decapitated
eviscerated, with their tongues cut out

"what demon could do this?"
people like to ask
i read the tabloids
i like to laugh

i am a monster from their dreams
i am what they'd like to be

i can get away with this
i can be free
i can walk down your street
and you wouldn't even notice me

i am the malcontent
that slips through the cracks
i am the nightmare
that always comes back

i cannot be caught
i am above the law


Reminds me of the above song ^. Velvet Acid Christ - Caught.

Not sure what to say here. At the end of the story, I basically thought, "Ok. And?" I mean, the scene was developed nicely -- I enjoyed the assortment of pans collecting rainwater, and I enjoyed the pretentious steak. These bits can be plucked out and put into a more deserving story. But here, what is being said? That a murderer is just like anyone else, except he murdered a person?

I'll go ahead and disagree. For one, in a reasonable world, the police would now be after this gentleman. This already makes him different than most of the population. For two, a normal person with a working sense of empathy would now be wracked with guilt. It is possible to kill without guilt -- but one should either have a very good reason for it (i.e. being a soldier, and even then, there's a reason why PTSD and the thousand-yard stare exist), or be a psychopath (a person incapable of empathy). Since, according to the narrator, the reason doesn't matter, that would make him a psychopath -- a conclusion which is at odds with the ending of the story, wherein he declares himself to be a Person, capital P.

Then there are the constant reminders that what this Person is doing is too normal. So does he kill because he wants to be original and unique? Something to colour the monotony of his pedestrian life? Fine, I'll assume he didn't get caught by the police, and I'll even let slide that he doesn't feel guilt. Sure, he killed a person without any ramifications, ok. But then, where is the conflict of this story? The world is rosy, a guy gets killed, the world keeps being rosy. Nothing changed. Is he still too normal (except he killed a person)? What was achieved? What was lost?

A personal opinion on style: I read this story with a stone-faced look, which was only interrupted by a face-palm when it started assuming that I'm recoiling or pulling faces or oohing or aahing or whatnot. That is the mark of a story that is so satisfied with itself, it thinks it knows the effect it's going to have on the reader. In other words, pretentious. If you would like to correct me now that it didn't /actually/ assume that I'd be pulling those faces, then... what exactly was the point of that introduction? In your place I would cut it right out, and write something that would /actually/ make me pull all those faces and expressions. "I got out of bed. I brushed my teeth. I showered. I pulled out the comb from the decapitated prostitute's hair and parted my hair to the left. I put on clean clothes. I caught a taxi to go to work..." Or something. Show, don't tell, etc.

So yeah, in my humble opinion, not your best piece. I'll let Person finish the review for me, since he turned the words so aptly:
Does it matter? Probably not.


Your ketchup,
cC




Panikos says...


Okay, I do have to agree. Not my best. :/



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Fri Jan 24, 2014 1:55 am
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horrendous wrote a review...



i love short, gripping stories, and this was one. the MC claims he'll tell you the short version of the story, then goes off about all the mundane things he did before the murder. and you know, you'd think it'd be boring the way i just described it, but it's not. since i know that a murder is coming at some point, all the droll, everyday stuff builds up that anticipation really well. i like how you were very descriptive of all events preceding the murder, but as for the murder itself you're brief, i think that works really well.

this is good man, very good.




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Fri Jan 24, 2014 12:39 am
TriSARAHtops wrote a review...



Hi there!
Wow, I really enjoyed this. You've managed to create an absolutely brilliant character in a very small amount of time, and I believed every word of it - the character felt instantly real. The voice was fantastic, the suspense was awesome, and I have very little to complain about.

It didn't feel disjointed - or, at least, it felt deliberately so. There's this quality to it that feels quite short and sharp, but it works really, really well. I loved the element of the story not being focused on the murder itself, rather it is an insight into the mind of the 'murderer'. Very gripping.

I only had too nitpicks, because the grammar and spelling, as well as the writing, were excellent.

I stabbed a guy in the neck, though I can’t really remember where. Someplace painful

This doesn't make sense, this part, because you say the MC stabbed the guy in the neck, but doesn't know where he stabbed him? It left me feeling a little bit confused by what you were trying to say.

and pissing it down with rain

You don't need the 'it' or the 'with' in this sentence - 'pissing down rain' would be the best way to say it.

Absolutely brilliant, and it left me intrigued and wanting to know more!




Panikos says...


Thank you! I'll work on those nitpicks. :)



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Thu Jan 23, 2014 9:42 pm
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thebatman wrote a review...



Foreboding, eerie, and oddly humorous. Well I guess it'd be called dark humor. Anyway, it's an realistic idea told intriguingly with an edge of mystery while at the same time being completely honest. Overall I really liked this one, it seemed like real life. Most people who kill really dont have a clear cut reason to be doing what they're doing. So yes, two thumbs up :)




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Thu Jan 23, 2014 9:28 pm
deleted30 wrote a review...



Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.

This was really good. I love the flat, tired, sarcastic voice of the MC as he describes what happened. It was very wry.

I also liked this part:

Was there a reason? Maybe. Does it matter? Probably not. I still wanted the chicken nuggets. I still smiled at a child on public transport the following day.


It's very intriguing how we know what happened before the murder, but not the reason why there even was a murder. I liked the mysterious edge.

It's very stylistic, which was nice because not that many pieces on here are. There was only one small little error I found:

(Too normal).


The period should be inside the parentheses, not out of it.

Other than that, this was a cool idea and I think you did it justice. Nice work!




Panikos says...


Thank you!




The true adventurer goes forth aimless and uncalculating to meet and greet unknown fate.
— O. Henry (William Sydney Porter)