z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The demon maiden chapter four

by Oxara


The stares were sharp, on all of us, as though we had already declared he part of our team. I shifted my back as though my wings were still out. By the way the other contests were moving, my magic had worked. I glanced at my team, and then to the room around me. I knew I had a long night of a official report ahead of me, but I just let this feeling of Camaraderie sick in for a bit.

“Well, I think we’ll throw our hat in for this person.” Galizure said

“Well we appreciate that, but I am afraid we can not. You know the rules any person wanting to join a elite team must be able to hold out a minute against a member. While not a official duel, both Lesiksa and Ishim were trying and he did not last a minute.” A teacher interjected.

“It is true,” I paused for emphasis, “However if you let him challenge Adonael or Leo and I am sure he will last a minute.” I said in as calm as a voice I can, the demon just below it.

“Well we have to, but you can’t hold back you know that.” The teacher responded shocked, I guess the demon was visible.

“Of course if he loses we’ll gladly leave him to any other team.” I said having regained my calm.

“Very well, we will hold the battle here then we will postpone all other events until another day.”

I only glanced and drew one of my many blades and slung it over my back, this one a one handed sword, though any non demon user would wield it with two.

The lights flicked as Leo wielded his power, casting unseen power throughout the room. Though I and Leo could see his magic, but no one else.

“I’ll enjoy testing him, plus I was getting a magic cramp.. So even if I wanted to, I would not be able to hold back.” he said as a massive grin crept on his face

“Alright you two, we’ll go to a secure location and do it, follow me. And the rest of the team is free to join us.”

We all followed her to one of the many training building, this one’s hall were light up with the holy essence of the Stirdraz. The walls it self were made of a holy metal, and overall just radiated holy. I nearly recoiled at it, this hall felt wrong and almost stunk. I kept my smile up, clinging to the small part of me that enjoyed this hall, enjoyed it’s hope. The part of me that could still think of collecting holy power to use, the part of me I had to force to appear.

Galizure smile was radiant, as he chuckled to himself. I glanced a questioning glance to him.

“I just was amused at my old training spot, bring back memories of fighting with the god angel. Well he called me that at the time, I always told him it would be him.”

“You always were good at predictions and analysis.”

Leo burst out laughing then, a rare smile on his face. A smile I knew was real, unlike mine. “Sorry Les, but I don’t think he said that because of his analysis.”“Oh, I am sure he did, he is our leader after all. He may be modest, but he is smart. Smart enough to see his friend was more of a leader, sure the god angel may be more powerful with that blood, but he is more of a leader.”

“Sabrael, is a good man that is deserving of that title. That is why he has it, and I would have it no other way.” Galizure said with a solemn face.

Adonael suddenly interjected “I am deeply sorry, but I am going to break away form the group.”

We just nodded and stared as he jogged off form a split of the hallway. It was only a few minutes before Leo and Ishim entered a room, as we went to the observation room, which is a room higher up looking down on the battle. The room that was chosen for this battle was a cave. Despite this it wasn’t dark, considering most of the cave was light up by a holy stone. They were trying to give a advantage to Ishim, considering that only our squad Sabrael team, and a select few, knew Leo’s power.

“To protect our team security, you can not watch this battle, however Sabreal will make sure the results we report are correct.”

The teacher nodded and left the room, presumably going to plan when the new day for the other events are. I am sure he was waited as to not be intrusive but Sabrael came in only a few seconds later.

“I am sorry for being late,” He glanced at me “and I greet you all as my friends.”

“No need to apologize, and we all thank you for your time, you old man.”

“I prefer young angel, as I am sure you do as well.”

“Oh, your the one with the angel blood, plus your two years older than me.”

“Just you wait, you’ll get your blood, oh and like that year difference will make any difference when we really get old. Anyway I am more interested in seeing if your demon has taken any thought into my offer.”

“What offer would that be, I have heard nothing of this.” Galizure sounded shocked, something I had not heard in quite a bit.“He offered me a better public face, I declined and still do. After all It would do no good for me in battle, and would hinder him however slightly. Oh and I just forgot to mention it, slipped my mind.” I said in a matter of a fact tone

“You know if it was anyone else I would believe they were hiding it, but you probably don’t even think it’s that big of a deal.” He said in a mused tone

I nearly coughed “I do not, I just thought you would not be interested.”

He only sighed and shook his head, weather it was in disappointment, disbelief or something else I was not sure.

Only once he started to talk did we realize leo was looking at us “I get to show my skills to both of the great angels huh, not a chance I’ll take lightly. You know I’m impressed you got your team so large Sabrael when rookies that can withstand even me are rare. Though you do have a priest meant for healing I guess.” He then turned toward the rookie standing across from him and without warning charged.

“Man he is taking that rookies are now elite fights seriously huh. I mean a rookie is expecting a countdown or at least a official start, but because this is a test it goes by that squad’s rule or in this case elite rules meaning it’s first one to attack that starts the duel. Most rookies would lose right there, the best might scramble to put a defence and succeed to block some of the impact of the attack. Only one has ever fully defended and launched a counterattack.”

Galizure spoke as though we didn’t know, though he had to do this as all officials matches are recorded and commented on in real time. However I knew another reason, to point out what I had done, why he was pointing out my performance i did not know. Sometimes demon hunter’s elites play the battle of words as much as the battle of blades. That is a battle I have never learned, but I didn’t need to it was all friendly. If anything it was just preparing us elite demon hunter for when a demon boss spun a weave of temptation for us. But I found another way around that, so I haven’t put too much effort into learning this language.

“You know if you ever want to truly help me, maybe teach me to weave a web like the demon I am.” I spat out without thinking

“Firstly you are no demon. Secondly I’m sure you have a demon for that purpose, or you could find one.” He said in a matter of fact tone

“I meant weave a web of words.” I said, not letting my embarrassment show.

“I am sure there a demon that could teach that, or another power if you want.” he said with a grin on his face, but that same matter of fact tone.

My mind started to think and remembered a rumor of a ancient society without physical bodies, where everything was a physical thing and they could produce huge energy and power in a object without any physical things. Meaning it wouldn’t interact with any of my other’s powers and they were meant to be able to get anyone to leave with their words alone. But no one has been there since this war, they have been forgotten for countless years. Who knows what remains, but hopefully I can take any of their left over power. And I decided that after this battle I would go to the sea of the eternal beings and see if I could add a new power to my asnereal. 


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Sun Sep 02, 2018 10:51 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Sooooo I did not come into this review intending to focus so much on dialogue, but that's what's happening.

Okay, so the first thing I want to do to help you out with a persistent issue is to drop this in here.

Image


That's a succinct post about dialogue formatting. I don't like to waste your time and mine by explaining dialogue formatting in detail, and frankly this post does a better job than I could ever hope to do.

On that note, I notice you often use your dialogue tags to convey emotions. For example, all from the same section:

“Well we have to, but you can’t hold back you know that.” The teacher responded shocked, I guess the demon was visible.

“Of course if he loses we’ll gladly leave him to any other team.” I said having regained my calm.


This is more of a showing v. telling issue than a dialogue issue, but it's tied so heavily into your dialogue. So the second sentence in this quote, for example, where our narrator says "having regained my calm." He tells us he's regained his calm, but what was he feeling before? Anger? Concern? I'm not sure - I never felt that he was anything other than calm.

Even if I had, I don't want to be told he's regained his calm. I want to be able to see that for myself, based on his actions, tone of voice, and the way other characters interact with him.

Similarly, the teacher responding to him, "shocked." You tell me the teacher is shocked, but I'm not really feeling it. The use of dialogue tags to convey emotion is sort of indicative of a bigger issue with this chapter as a whole, which is a general lack of emotion. I can see from these tags that you have an idea of what emotions various characters are feeling throughout the scene in your head. That's a good start, but the next step is to get the emotions across on paper, which isn't really happening right now.

Here are some resources to help you out with that:

Cheat Sheets for Writing Body Language - One of the simplest ways to start conveying characters' emotions is by showing their body language. It's not the only way, but it's a good start and something you don't often do in this chapter. This post is a simple pair of charts giving you some potential body language to show for different emotions.

Emotion vs. Feeling: How to Evoke More from Readers - Writers Digest is a great resource in general with articles on everything under the sun. They do have a membership, but you can access articles online for free. If you have time, I recommend seeing what all they have to offer.

Character Emotions & Psyche: How They Shape You and Your Characters - This one's more in-depth and involves getting in touch with your own emotions which I admit I'm bad at but if you want to put a little more work into things or are interested in a deeper explanation, it's a good article.

The other big issue, as Bisc pointed out, is that you start out the chapter with this set-up of "two people are trying to join the group but can't join until they can last against an existing member of the group for one minute in combat," but that deteriorates over the course of the chapter. Once they arrive in the observation room with Leo and Ishim below, I sort of forgot this challenge was even going on, because the other characters end up ignoring it in favor of conversation about other things.




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Sun Aug 05, 2018 6:36 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Alrighty, I've made it to the most recent chapter.

Nit-picks:

“Well we appreciate that, but I am afraid we can not. You know the rules any person wanting to join a elite team must be able to hold out a minute against a member. While not a official duel, both Lesiksa and Ishim were trying and he did not last a minute.” A teacher interjected.

Wait, a teacher is here? I thought she was on her own special island with the green energy coming off it?

“Well we have to, but you can’t hold back you know that.” The teacher responded shocked, I guess the demon was visible.

These words don't give me the impression that this person is shocked. Also the punctuation could be more dramatic, like an explanation or something.

We all followed her to one of the many training building, this one’s hall were light up with the holy essence of the Stirdraz.

Okay so I just picked this out as an example of the kind of world-building overload I've been going on about because I realised I had forgotten to do it. This is actually one of the less severe examples of the issue. Am I meant to know what Stirdraz is? It would be useful to have a comma after "Stirdraz" then an explanation of what that is. But then in chapters 1 and 2 it went immediately into 3 or 4 other things that could also have done with that small amount of explanation. With the correct amount of explanation that would have piled up and up and become overwhelming, if less confusing.

Adonael suddenly interjected “I am deeply sorry, but I am going to break away form the group.”

Wait what do you mean? Why is he doing that?

The teacher nodded and left the room, presumably going to plan when the new day for the other events are. I am sure he was waited as to not be intrusive but Sabrael came in only a few seconds later.

Okay so Sabrael is the god angel... whatever that is? I get that it's some sort of leadership position but in what capacity?

“You know if it was anyone else I would believe they were hiding it, but you probably don’t even think it’s that big of a deal.” He said in a mused tone

I mean, is it a big deal? Doesn't really sound it.

Galizure spoke as though we didn’t know, though he had to do this as all officials matches are recorded and commented on in real time.

Wait why is it commented on in real time? And why is it recorded if it's so secret? And what technology is it being recorded with? This seemed like fantasy so far.

But no one has been there since this war

What war?

Overall:

Okay so the plot of this started off really solid with someone trying to get into a group. Easy to follow goal, high stakes, invested in the character to some extent. It was good to go. But there was a lot of talking about things I didn't understand, and then at the end the focus wasn't really on the battle. It was the MC talking about her own powers after an idea introduced only a couple of paragraphs towards the end, with yet another magical concept introduced. This made it quite scattered, which made it less easy to follow.

I think there was more about the characters here, especially Leo rarely smiling but always being genuine. It would be good to see more of these characters and their behaviour, rather than so many worldbuilding details that I struggle to remember and keep track of. Sabrael would also be interesting to explore further, and the power dynamics there.

Just... just slow down. That's the main thing I would like you to take from these reviews.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)





Pain is filtered in a poem so that it becomes finally, in the end, pleasure.
— Mark Strand