My mind could barley focus on the fight as I planned my trip. I barely saw as Ishim swung his fishing move to begin with and leo flick it away like a bug. As Leo drew the light away form the cave and removed it. As he blended into the shadow, become invisible. If Ishim was to survive, he would have to have the brain of a elite person.
My mind could no longer focus on the battle, or stand the thought of leo beating him up. I knew Him would most likely lose right there and then if my battle was any model to go by. However I believed he would win, he had changed and shown elite skill. I cared if he won, but I had to get a move on before anything became public and my team tried to stop me. They believed in me, and I knew I could win their favor, but not in time. Not if was to make it to the sea and do what I wanted.
I sat up, I asked for it to recorded and left, aware of the stares and shocked faces of my squad. But the most intense glare was Sabrael, why he even cared I had no idea. And I left them there, unaware of my plans.
I walked down the hallway, not bothering to force myself a smile or the pleasure of my non-demon side. The entire city was silent and asleep by the time I left that holy hallway. Students were silently judging their performance or others, adults asleep or just busy in their houses, left the world blind to my presence. My wings sprouted from me, the second time in that day, and the fourth time in my life, and I flew. I flew above the city, staring at the city below me, and for the first time ever noticed the layout. The lower part of the city was filled with neatly organized houses, at the far end of the rows was a large harbor. As the city moved up the houses became two storied, and after many rows of two storied building the nobles houses became wide and three storied. After that there was a break, a long stretch of land filled barley with some foundations and chairs. And just after that stretch, surrounded by the emptiness of the plain was the high council palace. A maze in the shape of a building, nearly ten stories tall at its highest with balconies scattered across it. In the middle of the massive ten story building was a one story building, a circle, a eye of the city. A city with wall, a city designed for war form every house to road.
I drew my attention away from the high council palace and focused on the fast leaving harbor, of the city I knew to be home. The city which held my few friends, those that call me a demon, the city I would die for.
And so I left, flying for days to reach that sea not meant for us . I flew aware that ships were surely looking for me, that leo and the others must be looking. They trusted me, and I knew they would forgive me once I explained everything. Once I explained that the sea is easiest to reach on the midnight of my third day trek, that one my powers that I believed I needed, was increased during the blood night, a demon night which overlapped with this midnight once every six years. And so I sat there flying over the sea of the eternal beings, waiting for the midnight.
The moon lit up revealing the water and just below it was the famous fog. Fog that apparently you could swim through as though it was water. I could feel the blood of the demon moon settle on me, causing my blood to pulse with new energy. I knew it was time to go, and so I dove into that water. And I swam those few miles it was of water, glad that demons had enhanced senses so I could see the fog even through the miles of water. Glad I also had near neverending breathing, thanks to a dragon like demon.
Tiring of the slow process of swimming, I had my wings speed myself downwards, and I used a demon who had liked speed no matter his environments. A demon it had taken our entire squad to capture for me to absorb his power. My body formed webbed feet and my entire body started to burn with green fire and scales appeared making that fire seem nothing more than war paint. My hand formed into more claw like, and the entire arm almost looked like a spear. But what made me fly toward that fog was the energy my body was using, almost fire following me and my descent.
Then the fog hit and I slowed, my scales returning to skin, my wings gone, the demonic energy that I had gotten use to now gone. I was without my power, the only sign of the demons I harbor in my head. I could still hear their power calling to me, but I was here in my human body.
Then sounds, voices speaking in a language I could not understand whispered to me.
I should leave, I am not meant to be here, this is not my home I thought.
No this is not right, they beings are making me think this. Just keep on going, don't listen to myself or the voices. Just keep going, go home, I have to go home. If I do not leave now, I may never.
I checked my mind, my defences are up, nothing should be getting in. But if I can't detect it maybe demons can. I reached out toward those demon power's feeling so very distant and wrapped my mind in their shield.
The voices stopped, their thoughts peered away, what was happening beyond my wall of demon's I did not know. I only sent a message, whether the spirits heard me or not I did not know "Listen I am here to defeat demons, I understand I am not meant to be here. But I need to be, I am no longer a mere mortal. Even still I should not be here, but I have to so please let me in."
I got no response, but neither did I release the demon shield around my might. I slowly floated and the fog got thinner until I feel right into a tree. The landscape was a mix and collection of different landscapes like, mountains, deserts, forests all right next to each other. The most weird thing I saw was a forest, and right in the middle was a few yards long desert eye. It was a illogical mess that could never happen in my world, but here it made perfect sense. The air was also different, like water you could float and move through it, making it almost flying. The biggest difference between this world and my own was the fact that I could feel the land. I could feel the wind, the air, the soil, the land's energy.
It was nearly exactly how druids described how they felt. And if I could feel the land like them, then maybe I could shape it like them. And with some great effort and made a tree twist around itself as though.
Taking a breath I searched the landscape and saw something strange, it might just be something made by this weird world but it might be a town of sorts. So I tested a different theory and thought of teleporting to the town off in the distance. The world opened up before me, the wind collapsed in on itself making a slight hole. Then, without me seeing anything I was there looking at a city and civilization long thought dead.
But it was not (that) the entire city was longer than I could see, even with my enhanced vision. Most of the buildings were just hollowed stones. However, scattered throughout the city there were grand halls, taller than most demons and even most of our noble's houses. The houses were cool dull colors of blue, grey, green The halls reminded me of demon throne rooms, also causing anger in me when I first saw them. In the middle of the city was a building of orange, going through the fog. When looking through window about half way up I saw a room, a room which is not found on any level, meaning this entire building is a wall for this one room. A building which is a maze of rooms; harboring a room, a eye of a city. As I looked closer I noticed the main building had small green marking's around it, as well as most of the other's buildings, magical ward I assumed.
I flew toward the city, but hit something invisible. I pushed against it once more and saw that it was pure energy. So I sat there thinking, until I felt a hole appear in the energy field, and felt the energy barrier repair it self as I entered. As I walked toward the city I saw creatures coming toward me, one made of r surpising ocks pressed against themself in a golem like form. The other was made of fire in a phoenix form. I was sure they chose those form to make me more at ease.
"Well, a mortal has come to us. Come with us, and try not to slow."
They rose in the air and then the world opened up between them, and I just wished to follow them in a teleport and the world opened before me. And I appeared in a room even before those that sent me did. And before me were four beings. One was a dragon made of blue energy. another in the shape of a phoenix made of red energy. Other one was a human whose color seemed to be everything, but my mind focused on green. The last was orbs just swirling around one another. The orbs shifted colors going to blue,red,green or white, I assumed they took the colors from those around him.
"Greetings and welcome mortal. You are the first of your kind to come here and see what you have. So tell me what is it you want." The beings made of orbs said, weather it was in the room in my head I could not tell
"I have come for power, to defeat the demons." I responded
"You are a fool, some of us ourselves take the forms of demons. Though most of them are gone now , perhaps you have even fought against them. However you will not find the power you want here."
"I can absorb power form objects, creatures, and if my information of how your powers and engery, all of which work it would be of great use against the demons."
"We know this, and what you have come for his wisdom. If you wanted power you would go gather more power from demons. However you have come here to gain what demons can not give you," He paused and I was so dumbstruck I just stood "I apologize let me introduce us, I am Skjold, the being of time. The human being next to me is Hermund, the beginning of wisdom. The phoenix is, Malon the being of life, of death , and rebirth. The dragon is Rehael, the being of thoughts and emotions. We have complete control of our namesake, though we can control the others slightly and each individual being's even you has some control over it, though most can only control it themself."
"Some mortals can control time? and some can control the emotions and thoughts of others?"
"Mortals, no. It is possible, but no one was ever done it yet. Anyway's now that you know my main circle, I will explain a very small bit about us eternal beings. Most of the lower-being's as we call them are just being's of mostly fire, earth, air,water, soil. Each lower class element has a master who controls the element not just within himself. Though there's way more than just those I mentioned they are the ones you mortals based your magic off."
"So could a mage learn to control time, or another element?"
"If they knew of it and how magic work, and if they have been here then yes they could. But no mortal other than you will be here for a very long time."
"Could I then?"
"I wouldn't want to spoil the fun now would I?"
"May I be excused."
"No one is stopping you.
I had the world open up before me and I appeared on the edge of a cliff, a cave behind me overlooking the city of stone before me. I spent the rest of the day analyzing every word, all the information I had. How it appeared that our city was built like this city, how it seems our druids came from here, that they may have non-mortal roots.And the night worn on until I realized that it would continue to go on until I went to bed, shaping the land to make a bed of soft grasses in the cave.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hi there Oxara!
Just wanted to give some feedback on this chapter.
First off, the demon portion of this seems interesting enough, and it sounds like the main character is pretty powerful herself (I think), so that's a little intriguing as well.
The beginning seems a little weird, with the main character leaving what sounded like an important battle, but if that's what Les does, then alright. It at least gets a little more connected when it seems like she dove into the water because of her demon? Her being pretty in tune with her inner demon, literally, makes me curious where this novel could go, besides the apparent her vs. the rest of the warriors/hunters/people who dislike her blood.
I do like the flying portion as well, but it was a little hard to follow, as Blue said below me. I think it would some good to either sprinkle in these details in past or future chapters if you like the description, but I think it's a little overwhelming all at once. I like the development of how Les and her demon interact, and what the fog/water could mean in the future.
I am perplexed by the time skips in this if there are any. Since, in
it sounds like she's just leaving the world behind, but that seems a little crazy to me as there are still all of the people she seemed to ditch. Wouldn't they be a little worried? Or can she not think of that right now? Also, she spends another day exploring this brand new world? Is she not worried at all of going back to who I thought were her friends? Dang.
The conversation seemed kind of telling and off the wall, but this novel seems to incorporate some random things that probably can be smoothed out later. For example, the fact that she spoke with apparently very powerful beings that deem her a mortal? Does her "demon-blood"-ish-whatever it is, doesn't count as being out-of-this-world? Interesting world development bit there.
Overall, this is interesting in a lot of ways, and I'm curious as to what direction this novel is headed in. Hope this helped!
- concord
Hi again, Ox!
So coming off of chapter four and remembering my commentary there, I wanted to comment on the opening of this chapter right away.
So at the end of the last chapter my complaint was that we went from "we are going to have an important battle between these two people" to essentially forgetting all about or distracting from the battle. At the start of this chapter, while the description of this battle lacked the punch I wanted, I was glad to see that you were getting into it.
But then, right away, we get Les telling us how he can't focus on the battle, and I knew we were going to get away from it again. The thing is, it's fine not to describe the whole battle if you haven't ascribed much importance to it, but it was the whole focus of the start of the previous chapter, so I expect there to be more weight to it.
Additionally, it makes the pacing feel slow! Because at the start of the last chapter, we had this whole thing about how important it was for Leo and Ishim to battle, but then the battle was put off and finally appeared at the start of the next chapter only to be set aside again.
I like the bit where Les flies over the city, but the execution could be better. Right now, it's largely a chance for you to describe the layout of the city, reminding me (unpleasantly, I'm afraid) of Victor Hugo's chapter in The Hunchback of Notre Dame, "A Bird's-Eye View of Paris."
Overall, it's tough to keep track of, plus I find myself losing focus in the midst of all this explanation of how the city is laid out.
However, you'll notice the part I bolded! This was definitely the strongest part of this section of the paragraph, and one I think you could use as a focus for this paragraph in the future. Rather than drily explaining the city's layout, think about describing the city more in terms of mood or tone - darkness, the vastness that could point to a large potential army, scary shadows, etc - and focusing in on the features of the city that point to it being "designed for war." Maybe that means there are watchtowers everywhere, even in the midst of residential areas. Maybe the streets are oddly wide, to allow armies to march through. Maybe...I don't know, because I've never described a city as being "designed for war," but that description intrigues me and I'd love to see you run with it.
On the note of description, I also like the way you later descirbe the moon on the water and the way the fog is so thick you could swim through it like water. I see these nuggets of description that have a lot of potential and could really be developed to give the whole story an eerie, demonic feel, if that's what you're going for (which I assume based on the fact that the whole thing involves demons).
Wow blown away