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Jack's Torment

by OofOof1


Jack couldn't stop thinking about the team
It was just so warm and keen
But he could never forget the stream

That morning, Jack was shocked by the theme
He had to calm himself with a machine
Jack couldn't stop thinking about the team

Later, Jack was spooked by a dream
He thought the situation had become rather lean
But he could never forget the stream

Phillip tried to distract him with a ream
Said it was time to start thinking about a screen
Jack couldn't stop thinking about the team

Jack took action like a daydream
The team was like a toxic gene
But he could never forget the stream

Jack nosedived like a super esteem
His mind became dangerously routine
Jack couldn't stop thinking about the team

But he could never forget the stream


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User avatar
64 Reviews


Points: 733
Reviews: 64

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Sun Feb 24, 2019 1:28 am
Aliceinhorrorland wrote a review...



Heyo! I’m here to review jack and his tournament Amazingness. Alright so I’m gonna start with the things I like. I like the fact that you were able to tell a story, and not completely confuse me, that was pretty cool in itself. I also really like the rhyme throughout it, because honestly I had no idea so many things rhymed with team until I read this XD. I also liked the kind of narrative sort of feel to it. Okay now on to critique, one thing I’d like to point out is that your repeated words kind of threw off the flow. Maybe this is just my opinion but I feel like saying stream and team over and over just gets kind of boring. I also wish you had ended with a more solid and thorough ending, if that makes sense. Like something to make me think “Woah. That ended well.” That’s about it for critique, I think you have a good idea going here but I feel like you should try to make it a little more unpredictable or add a moral of some sort. Of course this could be totally opinionated! That’s just my advice. This whole thing gave me doctor Seuss vibes, and reminded me a little of my childhood. Overall, this poem could use a bit more work but it’s not bad at all. I can see you making some astonishing poems one day. Anyways! That’ll be it for now, always keep writing :D


~CAKEEEEEEE~




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562 Reviews


Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

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Fri Feb 22, 2019 9:44 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely day.

Okay let's get to the review:

So first off this was a really well written poem, your riming was spot on and I was really impressed, not even I can get it that good. So well done.
I also like how your poem was nice and long, it let me dwell in your world a little longer.
Another thing I liked that you told us a story through your poem, I thought it was a neat idea, so I would keep doing stuff like that in the future.

Now I did see one thing that I would like to mention. You don't have any full stops or commas at the end of your sentences. By not putting punctuation at the end of your sentences it's a little hard for the reader to know were would be the best place to stop and take a breath.
Like the last sentences in the poem.

But he could never forget the stream

This line could have a full stop at the end of it, to let the reader know that the poem is done. It's just a suggestion, so if you don't agree you don't have to do what I just said.

But other then that I loved reading your poem and I hope to see more works form you out on YWS real soon. I hope you never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix. :D
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




OofOof1 says...


Thanks





Your welcome.




We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
— William Shakespeare