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Lies

by OofOof1


Lies,

That's all you been telling me.

Can I live my life without feeling wasted.

I guess not,

Cuz lies are all you're telling me.

Boy, just stop

Cuz I have no time to see what you're lying about this time.

I wish you were somewhat like those guys

That always swear never to tell their girls a single lie.

What happened to me, is this what destiny choose.

Will have a better life, I will just stay like this.

Cuz all I know is that everything's a lie,

A little white lie so dark and scary.

But maybe it can be better if you would say sorry,

Yeah, if you would say sorry.

Cuz I ain't here to hear the lies

I'm just here to see them all dry,

Slowly...

Cuz it's easy to say that I never heard

You speak of the truth.

But if you would stop spitting out what lies beneath the ground

Maybe I'll say sorry too

For all the sorrows I did

Including leaving you.


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User avatar
31 Reviews


Points: 11
Reviews: 31

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Fri Mar 08, 2019 12:00 pm
Chitz wrote a review...



hey ~ greetings of the day

this piece about 'lies' can better be turned into a rap i think . or i was the one reading it in the weird tone. it can rock that way too. sorry if it hurts. i am a fool.

to the review we come, the piece is really good, flows well and is full of lies. i mean the story behind it. the description is quite good but would be better if you would made space for an actual example or too. but its nice this way too.

i really dont see any error, hence leaving you with a thumbs up. do think of the rap thing. it would rock it.
hope to read more of you.

~chitz~




OofOof1 says...


Aww, thanks, it was a rap.



Chitz says...


Was it, really!?



OofOof1 says...


Yeah



Chitz says...


That's awesome!



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92 Reviews


Points: 3941
Reviews: 92

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Mon Mar 04, 2019 12:59 pm
kostia wrote a review...



Hello there OofOof1

I am Kostia and I will give you a brief review, including my opinion on your poem.

I will start with the review (I won't include anything that has already been pointed out by previous reviews)

Structure-Formating:

I think you should work on your structure a bit. Many of your verses are too big and some of them too small. To be honest I don't mind the small ones just try to keep your sentences short and simple.

With that being said I believe stanzas would be of much help here. Try separating the stanzas according with the themes of your poem. You already have two obvious themes which are: the hatred and the forgiveness. It would look much better if you used stanzas.

Wording and vocabulary:

Your vocabulary is pretty simple and you chose to use emotional words rather than descriptive ones which is fine since this poem is more of an emotional piece. However I think you could also add some imagery in it if you want to give it a more realistic tone.

What I didn't like however was the repetitive use of the word "Cuz" this kind of spelling just doesn't work for me. Or for poetry on that matter. If I was you I would change it.

Content:
I really liked the content of this. It was emotional and partly truthful. I loved your closing lines. You executed the ending very well.

My opinion:

I think this was a good effort. I think it is targeted for a younger reading audience (school age) and that in this case it is easy to relate to (especially that group of readers.) I highly appreciated the honesty of this piece.

Good work!

Keep writing
Best regards

Kostia




OofOof1 says...


Thanks



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527 Reviews


Points: 30341
Reviews: 527

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Mon Mar 04, 2019 6:58 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, OofOof! FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on your poem, on this lovely day.

Okay so I'm going to jump right into the review.

Okay so the first thing I saw was a really simple mistake that I make all the time.

Can I live my life without feeling wasted.

So this is a really powerful sentence here, but instead of the full stop it should have a question mark, because when you read it, it's like a question isn't it?

It's the same thing with this sentence to.

What happened to me, is this what destiny choose.

You just need to change the full stop to a question mark.

Well I wont go through and point out everything. So this was a really nice poem, and I loved reading it. I really liked all the emotion you put into it, by doing that you made the poem feel so real. So well done. I do hope to see more of you work in the future. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix. :D
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




OofOof1 says...


Thanks





Your welcome.



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126 Reviews


Points: 83
Reviews: 126

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Mon Mar 04, 2019 2:33 am
Anma wrote a review...



I love how you explained it with your words. I feel it would be cool if you use metaphors but that's your choice. Rhyming also might help attract more people to read the poem. If you also put why you wrote this poem it might help as well. I would love to know what made you want to wright it. Either than that i think it very pretty, interesting. Keep it up, id love to read more of your poems.




OofOof1 says...


Thanks for the heads up




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