Boris Chen looked at the crumpled sausage in his hands and felt relaxed.
He walked over to the window and reflected on his beautiful surroundings. He had always loved magical London with its frightened, funkelplopping fields. It was a place that encouraged his tendency to feel relaxed.
Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Sharon Meadows. Sharon was a remarkable coward with charming elbows and hairy spots.
Boris gulped. He glanced at his own reflection. He was a lovable, hopeful, brandy drinker with beautiful elbows and scrawny spots. His friends saw him as a calm, cooperative coward. Once, he had even helped a foolish baby flamingo recover from a flying accident.
But not even a lovable person who had once helped a foolish baby flamingo recover from a flying accident, was prepared for what Sharon had in store today.
The snow flurried like shouting humming birds, making Boris happy.
As Boris stepped outside and Sharon came closer, he could see the fried glint in her eye.
"Look Boris," growled Sharon, with a cute glare that reminded Boris of remarkable guppies. "It's not that I don't love you, but I want peace. You owe me 2406 dollars."
Boris looked back, even more happy and still fingering the crumpled sausage. "Sharon, I just don't need you in my life any more," he replied.
They looked at each other with sparkly feelings, like two anxious, alert aardvarks walking at a very giving disco, which had classical music playing in the background and two brave uncles laughing to the beat.
Boris regarded Sharon's charming elbows and hairy spots. "I don't have the funds ..." he lied.
Sharon glared. "Do you want me to shove that crumpled sausage where the sun don't shine?"
Boris promptly remembered his lovable and hopeful values. "Actually, I do have the funds," he admitted. He reached into his pockets. "Here's what I owe you."
Sharon looked confident, her wallet blushing like a horrible, happy hawk.
Then Sharon came inside for a nice glass of brandy.
THE END
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi! Your title drew me in
I have to commend your commitment to the weirdness, and the fact that you've actually pulled it off pretty well. At the beginning, I was even reminded of a Douglass Adams' writing, which is a pretty high compliment! The bit about the flamingos is what triggered that.
As much as I enjoyed the weird descriptions, perhaps it would be good to make sure the weirdness is grounded. Make sure it has purpose, and an actual intended effect, instead of just being randomly weird, you know? Your bit with the flamingos appears to be connected directly to the scene at hand; compare that with the seemingly randomness of the aardvark disco. I definitely feel that the former works much better!
I guess I should also suggest that the story within the weirdness could use some development. A weird story is a good story, but a good story that happens to be weird is a great story!
I enjoyed your piece regardless of these nitpicks
A weird story is a good story indeed!
I'm usually more hesitant when it comes to reading stories where the writer tries to be weird on purpose, as more times than not, they try to hard. However, in your case, you managed to get it down on point, striking a perfect balance between the bizarre use of adjectives, and the twisting of a semi-normal event into something that makes one question the sanity of the situation.
The most effective factor in making this short story especially strange was its use of adjectives and verbs, like a sausage being described as "crumpled", or two anxious, alert aardvarks walking at a very giving disco. Someone trying too hard might have used too much description in their attempts to make it weird, but just slapping down random adjectives and verbs definitely did the trick!
Overall, I feel as though you've achieved your purpose beautifully, and have successfully made a weird, and good, story.
Hello @OofOof1!
This is really a fun short story!
I loved it so much ( and i got to say I'm glad were doing this for the competition) It's not only fun, but sorda easy too!
Anyway let's get to reviewing.
You did nicely well on detail, and the emotion. It was pretty short, but hey its a short story right? so i wont be bugged by that. It mostly makes sense, but i'm pretty sure being a funny story it won't make a lot.
You did really good!
All i got to say is watch your grammar, and punctuation.
Keep up the good work!
Hope to read more!
Sincerely
Anma
Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you, on this cloudy day. And to help get it out the green room.
First I really like the title you chose for this short story. It fits it rather well, and it a little funny at the same time, but that could just be me.
I think your description was spot on, I felt like I was there with your characters, it was cool that you made the world weird too. This story was very unique. And It made me smile and laugh. Just amazing. I got rather connected to your character really quickly, And it's a really good sine. I was sad that the story ended so quickly, but I loved every second of it. To the way you started it, and to the way you ended it.
Talking about the ending, I thought the way you ended it it still aloud your reader to imagine what will happen next, and I thought it was really cool.
So over all I love what you have done here, and I'm glad I got the chance to review and read you work. Never stop writing and I hope you will post something new out on YWS soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
Hello! I am Cate, here to give a review.
For short stories I don't critique.
Let me get into this, I loved this story. It made me laugh and smile so much, very well written and adds joy to whoever would read it. The way you described your charterers was amazing, the weird but interesting things they said and the place they lived. I liked it, thanks for the laugh.
Keep writing!
Love from, Cate