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The Untouchable

by OofOof1


 I thought I could see you one last time

I thought I could reach and touch your arms

But no matter how hard I try

They would be out of sight.

~

I try to take a look at what I got

I tried to put a smile on my crooked face,

But no matter how much I try

Raindrops just randomly come out of my eyes.

~

Well now I made up my mind

I face the music one step at a time

But that doesn't mean I'll forget

How untouchable but close you were.


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53 Reviews


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Reviews: 53

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Thu Mar 14, 2019 11:05 pm
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JadeLotus says...



This is amazing! The rhyme scheme was great and you almost brought tears to my eyes.
Keep up the great work, O! <3
I liked the line:
Raindrops just randomly come out of my eyes.
It made me laugh and feel a little broken inside at the same time.
I love your writing style,
Jade




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122 Reviews


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Thu Mar 14, 2019 11:01 pm
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Anma wrote a review...



Hi OofOof!

Amazing, Amazing that's all i can say.

Its very beautiful and touching, its like a whistle that you never want to stop hearing. This is a very good poem, in my opinion. Its pretty short but it has detail and it has emotion.

There is a few grammar mistakes but not none that will alter the meaning of it.

Keep up the good writing!

Hope to read more

sincerely Anma




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Thu Mar 14, 2019 10:03 pm
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fukase wrote a review...



Hi,

I am gonna leaving a quick review, so brace the speed. >_<

First Impression, this poem conveyed meaning on what you trying to describe at the moment and the feeling buckled up inside. It gives nice vibe and Welcome to YWS (I know it's late). This poem shows that you know how to directly connected to your audience feeling and in the future, you must not lose this. It's what make a poem more bold even it is simple.

I thought I could see you one last time
I thought I could reach and touch your arms
But no matter how hard I try
They would be out of sight.

It missed the usual punctuation (I know I am being nitpicky, so just note it down), as punctuation is essential (for me, at least) in the development of a good poem that gives a look at how the poet is actually. First line, you connected with the sense, sight, and second line, you describe the sense of touch even though it simple, it concrete enough.

You can always describe more things. Remember that if you want to give your poem a special touch like how is "how hard I try" or something like that. So you put "They" at the last line above to refer to the "arms" but it felt a little bit off (another case, maybe the length/syllables of the last line isn't long enough as the previous), try to be more clean, because it will be easier to read it loud. Try to read the poem with a DA duum DA duum DA duum(AKA Shakespeare style) and you might notice some irregularity.

I try to take a look at what I got
I tried to put a smile on my crooked face,
But no matter how much I try
Raindrops just randomly come out of my eyes.

Stanza 2 basically about reflecting ourselves. Nice choice of words, they are suitable and not too out of place. But "randomly" is a weird sounding word to put there. Make sure to stick to correct grammar tense, like "I try", "I tried". They are different. I am lazy to go with grammatical error, but line three above got also tense misused. It should be how much I've/I'd tried. I love the word "Raindrops" and connected with "Tears".

Well now I made up my mind
I face the music one step at a time
But that doesn't mean I'll forget
How untouchable but close you were.

Okey, the ending is a okey, but overused method. Try to end with style and a bang. I recommend using stuff like "symbol" and "simile/comparison" to made sure the readers banged the end stanza and it will make them remember this poem being special or unique.

Overall, not bad. Grammar still there and here, but that's no problem with that, you can learn when you still have time. More description and images in poetry are welcomed. Plus, the punctuation can still be improved.

Keep writing and never stop.
<3
~Fukase/nicolmemo




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Thu Mar 14, 2019 7:15 pm
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Honora wrote a review...



Hey OofOof! So I say the same thing every time I review poetry...I know nothing about it so if I say something out of ignorance, ignore me. :)
So review time. The only thing that I caught (it may have been on purpose) is the very first line. You out "I thought" twice. If you did put that there on purpose I would consider changing it. It just didn't flow.
I really liked it. It was very realistic in the sense that we never know when we will die. Maybe today is the last time anyone will ever see me and maybe this is how they will feel. It is something we can all relate to at some point in our lives, whether it be a friend, a pet or family. Very well done! :D Better than I could ever even attempt to! ;)




OofOof1 says...


Oof, I blame this on Google



Honora says...


Lol it was good! :D




You're going to go through tough times - that's life. But I say, "Nothing happens to you, it happens for you." See the positive in negative events.
— Joel Osteen