Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Welcome to Aether's Heart, a Storybook-turned-Novel. Aether's Heart has always been a collaborative novel since the beginning, so publishing it was a natural transition. As such, every chapter part will contain all five writers of the Storybook. Here's the cast and their writers:
Omnom – Railyn Yora
ScarlettFire – Elidyr (Adonis) var Ardys
Chaser – Paimon Fel
AlytheBookworm – Tyri Vidal
soundofmind - Belxibis
~~~
80 Days B.N.D
Railyn lifted his pickaxe and struck the soft rock again, moving to an internal rhythm he developed long ago. The heat from the mechanical contraption above him that was far too complicated for him to comprehend softened the rock enough for him to break through to the valuable minerals hidden within.
He paused a moment to wipe his brow. Where he got rid of sweat, grease and grime replaced it. It wasn't an ideal situation, but at least the latter didn't get into his eyes as often.
He heard the all-too-familiar "Back to work!" from the supervisor and dipped his head in the customary Synilas response of acknowledgement to a superior. And there were so many superiors to Railyn in Yse, his hometown. In his eighteen years of life, he had never figured out how to rise through the ranks of the miner's guild, but he knew it was to buddy up to his leader, Baroness Guiless, a despicable woman who didn’t care too much for the people who built her empire for her. He wondered how the other barons were, but he suspected they were fairly much the same. He shook the thoughts out of his mind and set his pickaxe aside. He knelt down and brushed the broken rock and soot away with his gloves. The dark stone gave way to a glowing green mineral, and the sudden transition of light and color caused him to blink a few times to adjust. Even after years of working, he still had never gotten used to that, nor had that first initial sight never stopped amazing him. He gasped and carefully brushed away the debris around the mineral and gingerly picked it up.
Railyn stood up and whistled to the supervisor, who looked over and nodded. After a moment, a robotic flying contraption whizzed close to him, hovering and bumbling around him. Railyn stepped back instinctively, but the machine just flew closer. He still hadn’t gotten used to the new Hextech machines that came from Synua to dig even deeper into the Draconis mountains. He didn’t trust them, but work was work, and he was one of the lucky few to keep their jobs. He opened up a basket on the bottom of the flying machine, where a pillow rested, and set the mineral down. The machine dinged and chimed and a flurry of whistles above him roared and echoed through the mines to the upper levels. This was a decent day’s work, and if he was lucky, his supervisor would give him the rest of the day off to recover and recuperate.
Railyn doubted he would end up that lucky, but he had hope.
He took off his mining gloves, stuffing them in his pocket, and picked up his pickaxe. He mustered up as much charisma as he thought was possible, and swaggered his way to his supervisor, who had his back to Railyn.
Looking back at it, Railyn had hoped that the supervisor kept his back turned the entire time, because as soon as his supervisor turned to see him, Railyn tripped on a sharp rock that he didn’t notice, and fell, in what seemed to be such a slow amount of time in his mind, and all of his regrets came flooding to the forefront of his mind. While his mind was freaking out about the time he attempted to ask out a girl when he was ten by sending her friend a note, his body attempted to make up for his foolishness by holding his hands out to catch his fall. Unfortunately, they were his bare hands, and the rocks down in the Yse Mines were sharp, painful, and unforgiving to human hands. He landed on dirt, grime, and rock, splitting his palms open, and in the midst of the chaos, his mind blanked on all of his previous thoughts, and of all the places, went to that fateful night.
Streaks of sleek black hair and messy hair whizzed by as kids ran through the deep underbelly of Yse’s middle market.
They had done something they would for sure get reprimanded for if they were caught by the Baron Guards.
They snuck into a slim wedge between two buildings that was hidden from the street, a place that only they knew, and uncovered their faces, pure, adulterated childish grins on their faces.
They had taken something from the mines.
The one with the sleek black hair took off his cloak. He was taller than the messy haired boy, looked older, too. He had a blanket around something in his hands.
The younger one took off his cloak as well. He snuck in closer to the covered item, giddy from excitement.
“Let me see it!” He said, his voice high and boyish.
“Shhh! You’ll get us caught.” He warned, but his face betrayed his words, as it was just as excited as the other boy’s. He carefully unveiled a glowing emerald orb that was larger than his whole torso. It pulsed color and light in a slow and gentle rhythm, and when the younger boy hesitantly touched it, slight warmth emanated from it.
“It’s an egg,” the older boy whispered.
Dong.
Dong.
Dong.
Railyn’s vision sling-shotted back to the present, where he face deep in gunk, and he groaned. He unsteadily stood and brushed himself off. The supervisor glared at him with a mixture of disgust, annoyance, and was that a hint of worry? Oh, nope, it was humor, as he busted out laughing just a moment later. “Did, did you see yourself?” He mustered out between chuckles and intakes of air. “You just faceplanted in some runic dust.”
Railyn sighed and looked down at his hands. They were bloody and stuffing from being in direct contact with runic dust. His pants were smeared with the same blood from his hands. He blinked twice. “Did- did you hear bells ringing?”
“What? Maybe you hit your head as well as your hands.” The supervisor pulled Railyn’s head down and scanned his head. “Nope, no blood under that tangled mop.”
Railyn chuckled nervously. “Yeah, I guess I did hit my head. Maybe knocked something around.”
The supervisor’s smiled vanished. “All right, all right. Fun’s over. Go get those damned hands checked before they swell and I have to hear about it, and then you’ll have to hear about it.”
Railyn bowed and left to the pulley elevator. He wasn’t planning to go the medic at all.
It was time to go back and visit his hidey hole from all those years ago, Railyn thought.
End of chapter
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Hi
OmnomVincian! I wanted to stop by and see what this novel was about ^^First off, apologies because I haven't read the other reviews too closely, so sorry if I repeat anything! I'll start off with some quotes and go from there :)
So, I wanted to say I liked your first line. It put us right in the action and sets up Railyn's voice immediately so I'm interested in knowing more. The thing is the next sentence, as you try to elaborate on that, didn't work as well. It was difficult to read because there's not a single comma and there are a lot of ideas, from there is something above Railyn, it's very complicated and he doesn't understand, and it softens the rock. I'd recommend breaking this up into separate sentences so it's easier to follow and flows better.
This was another sentence that just didn't read quite right to me? "First" and "initial" are synonyms, so it reads repetitively to use both, and the "nor" and "never" sound a bit contradictory? But I'm not sure if the sentence is necessarily wrong as it's written, but it's difficult to read.
I bring up this specific quote because I think the correct word is "unadulterated," since that means pure and/or complete and absolute (according to Google, haha).
The other thing, and this is 100% a stylistic choice so you're welcome to ignore me, is that there are sometimes sentences that feel longwinded. The first quote and the third quote would fall into the category, because on their own, the sentences and descriptions in them are very good and paint a great picture, but when you try to combine them with a clause or conjunction, it feels like too much and it can mess up the flow of the paragraph, pulling the reader out of the story as they have to reread. I'd say the be careful when writing descriptions that each sentence has 1 or at most 2 core ideas that are being focused on or described, and it's okay to have a couple of shorter sentences mixed in too!
With that ramble out of the way, I really enjoyed this! There are a lot of great worldbuilding details that are thrown in here in a really natural way, and I liked that I uncovered more and more as I read on. Of course, there is still plenty I don't understand, but it didn't feel like too much omitted detail. I know there seem to be these green glowing crystals (which are eggs???) that are important, but I'm not sure what for. I will have to read on to find out!
As of right now, I'm not entirely sure what Railyn is going to be like. He doesn't yet seem to have a strong voice that lets me know his characters, but he seems fairly complacent in his life as a miner. There's a bit of bitterness surrounding his state in the world, but nothing else too strong, so I'd be interested in how he reacts to and overcomes challenges as the novel progresses.
For an introductory chapter, this was good! I would have liked a bit more to work with, with a little bit of action happening, maybe even more hints of other characters/events to come, but I still am interested in reading onwards!
Hope this was helpful~ Happy writing!
~ Wolfe
Hey there, everyone! I've heard a lot of good things about Aether's Heart, and if I remember correctly, it's part of YWU, so I've been meaning to check it out for a bit! I totally understand transferring from RP/SB to a novel-- I'm in the process of doing that with some friends as well!
Some general notes--
Not everyone new to the story is going to know how to pronounce everything, so it might be good to include a pronunciation in parentheses to assist your readers.
Trust me, it helps-- apparently, my friends had been pronouncing Laenalaen as Lay-an-ail-enn rather than Lay-nal-ay-in for ages before I was aware of it XDI've been saying Ray-lyn, Ehl-lee-deer, Pay-muhn, Ty-ree, and Belx-ee-bus, but I could be entirely wrong :POoo, interesting thing at the start-- "80 Days BND." This can't be a year, so it's probably a countdown to-- something. I can't wait to learn what that something is c:
In the second paragraph, saying "the latter" feels a bit stiff to me. You could replace it with a synonym of grime, such as muck or sludge, or maybe describe how the grease feels against Railyn's head.
Railyn looks like a really interesting character! He's already got some background info explained, and there are enough details to piece together a few ideas about his general life. I'm guessing he'd be apart of the lower class, or on the bottom rungs of the middle class. The Baroness sounds like a powerful potential villain, and I can't wait to read more! c:
Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!
Thank you for the review!! I agree, a pronunciation thing could be helpful, especially seeing as fantasy names are always a little difficult to pronounce.
the funny thing is, not even the other writers know what the countdown leads to. Only I do ehehehehehe
You're right about the countdown
O.o
Hello! Wonderful start to a story, and I loved meeting this character and learning about him! Below, I will list a few of my suggestions, but they are in no way meant as a criticism on your talent. From reading this chapter, I can already see that you are very talented.
So,
The first line isn't one that naturally hooks me in. I like the concept of mentioning how this mining job is routine, but I would lead with something that engages the reader and leaves us wanting more. Instead, I was left with the thought, "Oh, he's swinging a pickaxe".
My next suggestion is to establish his surroundings sooner.
Before this line, I was reading his story in some unknown world, but this line suddenly doused my image of his setting in darkness with the rock being the sole light. I love that image, but I wish that I had realized his setting was dark earlier. Of course, the fact of him being in a mine should already imply that, but I would further demonstrate it.
Next, this line:
The added part at the end, "but he had hope" feels redundant here. I was already under the impression of that fact due to the preceding sentence, so I would remove that phrase.
As with this line:
You repeated the word 'back' three times and it feels choppy to read, so I would change up the wording a bit.
I was a bit confused by this part. First off, the "he didn't notice" seems redundant giving he tripped, but besides that, why were regrets flooding to mind at a fall? It seems a bit dramatic, and most people in an embarrassing situation that is as sudden as this would only feel base horror and embarrassment rather than suddenly thinking of past regrets. With this in mind, the following sentences of thinking about a crush when he was ten feels out of place. I love your description of the pain in his hands and subtly adding background about his location through that. I love the flashback he falls into, but I would recommend the flashback starting at a similar fall as the one he just had so it seems more realistic. Right now, the flashback doesn't make sense with what had just happened as, often, flashbacks are triggered by something that reminds the person of a traumatic event, but this flashback doesn't seem traumatic nor does it connect with the fall. So, I would either connect the two or place the flashback where it becomes a memory rather than involuntary.
Now, on to the flashback, I love this scene! I love the imagery and the insight it gives to Railyn and his past. You do repeat a couple of words where I don't think it's necessary to do so, such as the first sentence and the word hair, but besides that, the flow of this section is beautiful.
The 'he' doesn't need to be capitalized, and again with the next set of dialogue. It only needs capitalization if it is a separate action from the dialogue itself.
Also,
I don't know if 'adulterated' is the right word? It doesn't seem to fit. Perhaps you meant 'unadulterated'.
This is grammatically incorrect. Perhaps,
I love this subtle way of describing Railyn's appearance! It gives me a perfect image of his hair without having to read a lengthy description.
Lastly, as this is in Railyn's perspective, even if it's third person, there is no need to add, 'in his mind' or 'Railyn thought'. They can be added occasionally, but for the reader to better feel the character's emotions and thoughts, I would suggest stating those thoughts and emotions as they are. For example, the last line,
If you removed 'Railyn thought' the chapter would end with mystery rather than being interrupted with the redundant clarification.
Again, I love this start to the story! The world building is marvelous and I can't wait to read more! You have a great balance of description and ambiguity that leaves me excited for more but not too confused as to where we already are. I love the names to the character and the places. They are so unique yet flow perfectly. As a writer, I always struggle with the names.
Wonderful job!
mordax
Hey! Saw this in the Green Room so thought I'd check it out!
'Where he got rid of sweat, grease and grime replaced it.' - 'Grease and grime replaced the sweat' flows better.
'such a slow amount of time in his mind,' - either 'slow motion' or 'a long amount of time' or 'time seemed to stretch out'
'They were bloody and stuffing' - Is 'stuffing' a typo?
Overall, I really liked the beginning. It is well paced and you explain the world and the surrounding well as to be informative but not info dumpy.
Later on is where it looses it for me. When he falls and has a flashback... it just reads awkward and I don't feel like it adds anything to the story. I think you were going for 'his life flashed before his eyes' but tried to have a bit of fun with it. But the way the fall is stretched out to accommodate a memory that seems unimportant(?) just reads clumsy.
I liked the little flashback, that part was well written. And then later mentioning that Railyn has messy hair, I'm guessing that links to him being the small boy in the flashback, which is a nice touch.
The dialogue seems disjointed and unrealistic. The 'did you just see yourself? you faceplanted!'. Well, no, he didn't see himself because he was the one who fell? It just felt like you were trying to force exposition into the dialogue that wasn't needed. It could have simply been 'Nice faceplant!' and that would have worked.
Overall, I think you do a great job at describing the mines and Railyn's movements, but the dialogue needs some work.
Hope this helps!
Hey there! Thank you so much for the review ^^
I am not sure what I meant with stuffing, to be honest, so that'll get changed in the future!
The flashback is disjointed and sudden for a reason. It's just hard to see that reason with this being just a part of the beginning. I think that's just a problem with reading things incrementally, but hopefully if you read more than you'll get it a bit better and it'll make more sense ^^
Would you want me to tag you in the next chapters?
Hey! Sorry if my review was confusing. I didnt mean the flashback was disjointed. Just read my review again and I meant the part about him trying to ask out a girl - that didn%u2019t fit and made that section read awkward. The actual flashback with the egg works well. And yeah sure, tag me
Oh! Gotcha gotcha, that makes sense! I agree, that does feel out of place.
Also, the next part is up now
Ahoy ahoy,
I'll admit that I haven't followed the progression of your storybook too closely, which is a shame as, god, was this first instalment intriguing. Hopefully I can remedy my mistake by following these chapters more closely.
I'm not exactly sure if you want any criticisms on grammar and such as I'm assuming that this went through numerous revisions while it was in the works. But hey, it looks like I'm already writing a review and I can't seem to stop, so here are some general comments:
1.
Excellent opening line. This perfectly introduces the initial setting to the reader as well as the situation the character is in.
2.
For starters, this is a very long sentence so could probably benefit by being broken up. Secondly, the first half of this sentence contains a bit of a contradiction with the phrase,
This at first states that Railyn has no idea how to earn himself a promotion, but this is disproved when it then states that the way to rise is by getting close to his leader.
Here's a little quick fix I just whipped up myself to perhaps show an example of how these to problems could be remedied:
2.
This is a long paragraph which isn't inherently bad, there are just several opportunities where it could be broken up to ease its readability. Here's an example of how I would do this (which is by no means the correct way):
3.
Again, this sentence is just a bit too long for what some people may be able to stomach. Here's an example of how might run more smoothly with perhaps a word or two cut (I'm sorry, I'm a little obsessed with examples):
4. A quick note on the story. Finding something to trigger a flashback is difficult in any circumstance, I'm just not sure falling over was the best way to do it. It seemed to come out of nowhere. I can understand how doing something embarrassing may lead to someone thinking back to other embarrassing things, but I don't think this argument was given enough context, thus making the sudden flashback seem just that - sudden.
A possible fix could be perhaps moving it to some other part of the chapter. I'm not exactly sure where, but perhaps think about it.
5.
Maybe this could do with a little reword as when I first read this sentence I thought it was the hair on its own which was whizzing by (a very strange image). This was probably only me though, there really is nothing wrong with this sentence.
6. I just want to point out here that I loved the entirety of the flashback. It perfectly captures that sense of childish innocence discovering something amazing, as well as leaving plenty of room for mystery and intrigue. I applaud whoever wrote this.
7.
I'm not sure how exactly to phrase what's not right about this sentence, except that some of the words in the latter half don't really fit. This is a very common writing error personally and I'm pretty sure happens to everyone at some point. Either way, here's a little fix for it.
8.
Perhaps consider giving this portion of dialogue a little paragraph of its own, this really though isn't a problem and is more me being extremely nitpicky.
9.
what... what is stuffing?
AND THATS IT. As this is only the first chapter, I can't exactly comment much on the story except that this certainly a strong start and I look forward to what is promising to me an amazing novel. Even though I did point several little points that could be worked upon, these are all minor issues and all came from my own personal opinion (which sadly isn't always right).
And with that, I bid you adieu
- Quool
Thank you so much for the review! I highly appreciate the grammatical comments, as (this part was written by me) I really don't double check my own grammar because I tend to re-write and re-write and re-write to the point it never gets published XD I just tend to skim through it and fix what I see.
Regarding the flashback, I totally get that critique. At this point, I'm not entirely sure just where I would put it. It will probably make more sense a few chapters in, as while it was sudden, it was sudden on purpose.
If you're interested, I can tag you in the second installment?
Yes please, I%u2019m keen to read what happens next and this will be a good way to get me writing more reviews!