I Want To Know Too

Hey!

I just really wanted to say how fantastic this is!

I love the simplicity of the protagonist and I think you create this voice well; and due to the nature of said voice it truly is a skill!
And within that you use your lexical choices sublimley. Like when you say the red is real pretty - normally I would advice against something such as pretty being used to determine an emotion but here it just fits so well that I can't help but be in awe!!!

This is just excellent, you couldn't have ticked all the boxes better!

Well done,
Retro

Hello EPICnumber1 here for a review...

Wow this is good, I like writing poems as well but I could never write something like this. I think I know what happened but please ignore this if I am wrong.

Is it that someone had beaten this woman up and she was bleeding and the red paint was blood and the purple was bruises but the character's point of view was that she was painting the floor with red paint.

The first two lines were in past tense and then the rest of it is in present tense. So try to just change the first two lines instead of the whole poem

I can't wait to see more of your work. I am used to reading poems in stanzas but I am not judging because if this were in stanzas it wouldn't be as good as it is now. There are poems where stanzas just don't go

I think the character is young hard to say an age but I think he/she is quite young so you used fairly simple words instead of long and difficult ones which was good. where as if you put too much description and long words in there it would be hard to understand the concept of the poem.

In this poem it doesn't always rhyme I know the last two lines rhyme I am not saying it has to rhyme all the way through but if there is just one rhyming couplet there should be more but I do like how the last lines did rhyme because it sounds better than if they didn't. Does that make sense?

I don't usually write this much but I am not going to ramble on about things that other people have already mentioned. So see you in your next piece or in a review or Pm right I am going to shut up now.

keep writing

-EPICnumber1

It is a good poem.You can do good in it.There is a hidden poet inside you. I appreciate your work you should write more.

My God; it's full of blood.

I sincerely enjoyed this.

I hate reviews that say: "Oh, Wow. This is just too good. Gee, I wish I could write this."

So I'll not stop there.

Take with salt; mind the edges.

1. Your title is present tense, but your poem takes place in the past tense... Or does it entirely?

You poem starts, at least, in past tense. And I think it not for the better.

The majority of your work is very in-the-moment; a description of a scene that we readers are meant to hold vivid in our minds. Present tense is quite conducive to this, and it would not be a major undertaking to convert the few lines of this poem that are not already more-or-less present.

Actually, I'd love to see this in present tense. I think it would add to the childlike persona. Children don't have a powerful concept of time; everything is "now." The future is too far. The past is easily forgotten - was it minutes, or did it even happen?

Children suffer from temporal dissonance. Why, from time to time, a toddler will describe to you what he ate for lunch, and half an hour later will ask "why haven't we eaten lunch yet?"

You have an opportunity to capture that warped sense of time.

2. You do an excellent job of writing in a "readable," Hemingway-approved style. I do not know if this is merely a side-effect of viewing the world through the mind of a child - or, at least, a child-like person - but it is effective.

Using words like "real" instead of "really," for instance, is quite poetic. I approve. (This is just a note, I guess, rather than an item to improve upon.)

3. There are a few lines that are just "there." They don't further the story. They don't inform the reader of much at all. Sometimes they don't quite make sense (if I think long enough about them).

For instance, "Far away from home."

I have no way to contextualize this. Where is home? How does out protagonist know that this woman is far from home? Why is this sentence here? What does it have to do with this woman's death? I assume, in all of these cases, the answer is trivial and pointless to the story. So you should omit that line.

"Something else too/Seemed odd to me"

These lines are transitory. But not in the, "oh, these paragraphs need to be related, or else the metaphors and points presented won't make sense together, and so I'm going to add transitions" sense.

No, they're noticeably transitory. That's bad. Like when a director asks his editors for a straight cut between camera angles, but instead there's a black frame in the middle that lasts just milliseconds - just long enough to be annoying. This is especially bad if it's the middle of an action sequence, or, as in this case, a big reveal: a revelation about the scene.

As for Dissection?:

Truly there's not much else to say. Your grammar is consistent and correct. Your diction is simplistic; but I consider that to be an effective style choice, in this instance, and so I applaud you for it more than anything. Similarly, the piece is short, but would be less effective if it were longer.

Again, I enjoyed this piece, and I'm intrigued to see what more the little monkeys-on-typewriters inside your head clang out (hopefully they're even working as we speak).

Be forever hortatory,

~Skorlir

Hello, I'm Howl.

All I can really say is wow. This was amazing how you made the kid so innocent, but it is truly sad to picture. Your description was good, it really was amazing. Your choice for the title was a great one, it truly made me curious and I just wanted to read it to find out what it was about. I do think that "and red is real pretty" doesn't really fit into it. It may just be me though.

This made me feel really sad. Like I pictured my mom on the floor the whole time I was reading and I love my mom more than anything in the world so it struck me hard. Your poem was really well written and flowed easily in my mind. I like it a lot.