Run

its really good, the cliff-hangers actually make your heart start racing and thinking what is going on and just using character speech as a starter is a really good idea so well done

P.S. "Why" should have quotation marks.

This is the sort of thing I would expect in a Dr. Who story. Yet again another excellent work, with layers of detail and progression through the story. Yet again I wouldn't be surprised to see this on the homepage. The only place I can fault I can find is that you have forgotten the full stop at the end of the last sentence, which would add punch to the last line, the same effect as when the music stops in a horror film.
Hope this helps;
TTYF!

Hey Okuro,

You seem to be very popular on here! Anyway, to your poem. What I would like to say to it is that I am not to sure what to think of it. I don't have a problem with it being short, one of my favorite poems/short stories has 6 words in it.

It goes like this:

For sale: Baby shoes, never worn.

And if you think about it, that is some pretty deep stuff right there and has a whole story behind it just by using 6 words. I believe Ernest Hemingway wrote it.

I think you could take a lot of advice from that one work. What your poem has is short, choppy words. You need more meaning behind it. It sounds more like telling then explaining. If you used more descriptive words and added something meaningful to it I believe it could be a stronger poem.

I mean the Baby shoes poem really hits you and it doesn't tell you the story step by step what happens. As an idea try to make your idea like that.

Just some advice. If you do decide to change it I would love to see what you come up with.

-gottahaveFaith

Hehe, well my name is Ossum and this is your review.

So I dont know what to say. It seems like this piece is more of scene rather than a poem, and yet it can be called a poem. It does reveal a sense of urgency, but it is so short that the feeling is short lived and the reader does not have time to think about whether or not he had just read a scene or a poem.

If you choose to make this as a poem, I would make that feeling last longer. I know it is personal preference, but without it, I feel like I had just read a clip of a scene from a movie. And though the emotion of the imagery was very good, the way ti was written and the quickness of it all made it seem less of what I think you intended it to be.

Constructive Criticism by me, and I hope you continue to publish pieces of work like your friends forever one. Take a moment to read your work from a readers perspective, as hard as that sounds, and make sure your intent is getting across.

Have a absolutely fantastic day!