On this day I will drag myself out of bed without self loathing.
On this day I will eat sweet bread and alcohol and not care if anyone sees.
On this day I will tell my family I love them and hope they can forgive me.
On this day I will take in the unapreciated beauty.
On this day I will go to school and not care what the whispers say.
On this day I will walk with a purpose.
On this day I will be free of my chains.
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140,394 Literary Works • 673,151 Reviews
Hey Okuro! Just decided to stop by this poem
You've done a good job here with showing what you want to tell us in a lovely way with words. Anything after the one this day I will, I liked.
My main problem was that this was too short! And that the on this day I will became too repetitive and I just ended up skipping over bits to get to the good bit. What you could do here to improve this poem a bit is to use each line as the beginning line of a stanza. And then elaborate a bit more in detail. So instead of saying on this day I will drag myself out of bed withoug self-loathing say:
Today I will drag myself from my bed,
not screaming as the rope ties around my neck
because I'm not good enough, not held
up as high as the others.
But because I am worth it.
From your one line, I have added in a lot more to make it a longer poem and a more detailed one. I also used 'today' to create a bit more variety.
Now, you shouldn't necessarily use the example I just gave you because now I'm also going to tell you to work on rhythm and maybe some more poetic techniques. Although not every poem needs them, just do what works best for you. Looking forwards to hearing more from you soon!
Deanie x
I'll see what I can do.
I loved this. It showed the courage the character feels. I also love that on each line it starts with 'On this day I will' It give an emotion that the character is strong, and brave. Like nothing on earth matters but my opinion. Loved it! Can't wait to see more poetry from you!
-Tori
Thanks.
I like this a lot! I love the simplicity yet strength that you conveyed. Keep up the good work!
Thank you.