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16+ Language Violence Mature Content

A Dangerous World (Chapter 4)

by NothingMore905


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

35 Most Popular Anime Guys with Black Hair – HairstyleCamp

- January 10, 2030 4:20 -

it took me quite a bit to process this, a being with Xs for eyes and a sewn mouth that was cut open? how does that make sense? i then looked at Abbadon who looked quite concerned with what he said to me thinking that he sounds crazy.

"so, your telling me that there is an unknown being on the loose? what is it searching for?" i walked over to him.

"yes, that is quite true and its searching for a powerful person who holds unlimited energy inside them" i looked at her and she seemed scared?

i was completely confused but then i decided to ask a question that was completely random. "do you have a human form?" he looked at me a bit confused but nodded and his horns and wings disappeared but his yellow eyes stayed and i never noticed this before, but is he wearing a suit? i thought demons were sloppy beings, but he seems quite formal for a demon.

i looked at her with narrowed eyes. "don't underestimate a demons prosperity, we may seem sloppy, and yes, some of us are, but however, i am not" i looked at the clock and this time the 2 was the brightest, a 2 represents an S.

he walked over to the clock, seemingly distracted, and then he suddenly dropped the clock, everything seemed to slow down but then he was in front of me and his horns and wings were back and before that, my windows seemed to shatter all at once before a distorted voice boomed throughout my home.

"f̛͓̱̥̐̄̍ỏ̸̶͕͔̥̗̜͇̤̥ͮ͘u͌̕҉̻̪̫͈̘̻̝̙̼n̜̘̐ͪ̎̊̄̇ͬ͗ḓ̥̹̲̃͐͟ ̤̠͇̎ͯͮ̒̔̓ͭ̀͘͟͝y̰͔͙͍͊͋̀̔͘͜͡o̧̟͕͚ͮͮ̀͟ư̪̻̓"

the voice then laughed and Abbadon seemed to be looking around constantly, just as confused as i was.

"ì̧̼̠͓̱͉͖͚̖͓͂ͮ̓ͮ̾͜͞t̽̐̕͏̲͚̪̮̪̲̠̻s̶̶̠̙̬̘̋̌ͨ̇͒́ ̹̟͖͇͙̲̓̒ͮ̑b͚̖̜͚̖̖͍̹̐̓ͮ̅ͪ̄͐̆͜e͚̲̋̿̉͝e͚̥̳̬̖̊̄̅ņ̸̣̙̰͚͓ͩ̓̽̉̃̔̽ ̛̙̙̮̯̘͕͉̼̻ͦͮ͐͆͊̆͐͟q̧̩͚̔̎̓ͪ͐ͩű̢͙͔̭͍͇̹̝͓͛̊͢͝i̷̧̠͉̯̬̜͌̾̕ṱ̈͊̎̐ͭͮ͊͘͞e̷̹̥̱̜̣̲̩̬̟̔̌̓̀͢͠ ̵̗͖̪͍̈́͐ͮ̑̕a̬̰̞̫̍̌̇̽ ͍̣͔̤̂̉͑̍ͨ̔̎w̢̬͙̜͎̬ͦͪ̊̉͆ͨͯ̀̕h̢̟̘̟͕͐͟͞i̷̧̩̯̘̟͔̳͚͚͂̋̓̀ͅl̗͙̝̭̫̻͇ͣ̇̓ͨ̈́ͣ̌̑̚ͅe̶͇̪͒̚͠͞ ͉̟̞̮̠͓̀͐h͓̹̥̻̭̯͋͐ͅa̬̱̬̅ͥ̅̒̓͋͂ͧs̠̳̈ͫ̕͟n̴̮͙͓̞̺̲̻ͮͩ'̶͚̬̙̖̱̞̣͛ͦ̓̾͝ͅṫ̜̻̭̙̫ͤ̐́͠ ̷̱̮̬̫̥̌ͦ͛͐̌͘i͔̞̩̲̲͉̹̮̓̄ͫͭ͊ṯ̶̞̝̬͛̔͐ͅ.̳͔̤̱̣͆͋ͫͣ́ͥ̂̽.̡͍̺͙̰̦͉̰̽ͤ̀.͋͡͏͎̣̺L͔̝̞̠̖̤̳̫ͬa̛̺̟̼͎ͯ͆̑̍ͧ̏̋͒yͣ̂ͩ͊͆̓͢͏̖̘ḻ̺͍̥̾̓ͫa̗̻̻͓̫͒̊̓ͦ̌̈́̓͘.̫̪̥̟͓͖ͨͬ͑͗͛́͘ͅͅ.͕̥̦͆ͤ̉̓̚̕?̧͖̬̻͆̓ͦ̚̕͠"

this thing knows my name...but...i can't move...i was too scared..abbadon was holding me close with his wings wrapped around me..but, i didn't feel safe...


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935 Reviews

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Wed Dec 28, 2022 11:40 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Heya Noth,

Shady back with another review! First thing first, I want to mention that I notice you have broken up the dialogue into paragraphs by speaker like I touched on in my last reviews, and I wanted to compliment you on that ^^ it's much easier to read like this, and I appreciate that you did so.

"yes, that is quite true and its searching for a powerful person who holds unlimited energy inside them" i looked at her and she seemed scared?


Who is 'she' here? I'm a bit confused. Up to this point, your narrator has been Layla and she's only here with Abaddon, right? So who is she referring to with she/her pronouns?

i looked at her with narrowed eyes. "don't underestimate a demons prosperity, we may seem sloppy, and yes, some of us are, but however, i am not" i looked at the clock and this time the 2 was the brightest, a 2 represents an S.


Ohhhh wait a second -- are you switching back and forth between Layla and Abaddon's POVs? That's a no-no, especially in a first-person perspective like you write in. You need to have continuity in your narration and you don't get that at all if you jump back and forth between POVs from paragraph to paragraph. If you'd like Abaddon to also become a narrator, I suggest you switch off on them in alternating chapters -- that would be a less confusing way to do it.

I also suggest you consider switching to a third-person perspective if you're going to go forward with that route. It'll be really tricky to be able to balance two POVs if you keep it first-person limited.

this thing knows my name...but...i can't move...


Ooh! That's such an ominous way to end this! This story is really heating up and has me curious about where you're gonna go with it!

I got a bit more time so I'll see if I can get to chapter five tonight! Hope these reviews have been helpful, and, as before, feel free to ask if you have any questions.

~Shady




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Tue Dec 27, 2022 6:56 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



So now the next letter is S? E, D, and S? I wonder other letters will spell out this word. At first I thought that Layla was a demon, but now I think that she might be a war angel. What could this creature with the Xs for eyes possibly be? What could it do? What does it want from Layla? What if it knew her once and that could be its drive to kill her?

I wish you a lovely day/night.




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Tue Dec 27, 2022 4:50 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this is quite the development here. It seems we've gone ahead and dived straight into some conflict right after the little warning that we received in the previous chapter. I am loving that.

Anyway let's get right to it,

it took me quite a bit to process this, a being with Xs for eyes and a sewn mouth that was cut open? how does that make sense? i then looked at Abbadon who looked quite concerned with what he said to me thinking that he sounds crazy.

"so, your telling me that there is an unknown being on the loose? what is it searching for?" i walked over to him.

"yes, that is quite true and its searching for a powerful person who holds unlimited energy inside them" i looked at her and she seemed scared?


Okayy I suppose at this point we simply need to accept the fact that these two are going to just go on like its all perfectly normal for them to be talking so I'm going to put that aside for the moment even though my point about them not feeling like strangers still stands. Besides that little issue, this is a fun introduction, I can see how this declaration instills some nice fear into the protagonist and that always makes for an good start to a chapter.

i was completely confused but then i decided to ask a question that was completely random. "do you have a human form?" he looked at me a bit confused but nodded and his horns and wings disappeared but his yellow eyes stayed and i never noticed this before, but is he wearing a suit? i thought demons were sloppy beings, but he seems quite formal for a demon.

i looked at her with narrowed eyes. "don't underestimate a demons prosperity, we may seem sloppy, and yes, some of us are, but however, i am not" i looked at the clock and this time the 2 was the brightest, a 2 represents an S.


Okayy...that is very curious there. Its a lovely little trick there to transform into a pretty decent human form there. Its probably a little too overdressed to blend into any place easily but it was nice and formal. Love the surprise this person seems to have although I am a little confused by the demon knowing that whole thing. Is this implying some sort of mind reading because if it was based on just the facial expressions the character was making, that's quite the coincidence for the demon to know almost the exact words.

he walked over to the clock, seemingly distracted, and then he suddenly dropped the clock, everything seemed to slow down but then he was in front of me and his horns and wings were back and before that, my windows seemed to shatter all at once before a distorted voice boomed throughout my home.

"f̛͓̱̥̐̄̍ỏ̸̶͕͔̥̗̜͇̤̥ͮ͘u͌̕҉̻̪̫͈̘̻̝̙̼n̜̘̐ͪ̎̊̄̇ͬ͗ḓ̥̹̲̃͐͟ ̤̠͇̎ͯͮ̒̔̓ͭ̀͘͟͝y̰͔͙͍͊͋̀̔͘͜͡o̧̟͕͚ͮͮ̀͟ư̪̻̓"

the voice then laughed and Abbadon seemed to be looking around constantly, just as confused as i was.

"ì̧̼̠͓̱͉͖͚̖͓͂ͮ̓ͮ̾͜͞t̽̐̕͏̲͚̪̮̪̲̠̻s̶̶̠̙̬̘̋̌ͨ̇͒́ ̹̟͖͇͙̲̓̒ͮ̑b͚̖̜͚̖̖͍̹̐̓ͮ̅ͪ̄͐̆͜e͚̲̋̿̉͝e͚̥̳̬̖̊̄̅ņ̸̣̙̰͚͓ͩ̓̽̉̃̔̽ ̛̙̙̮̯̘͕͉̼̻ͦͮ͐͆͊̆͐͟q̧̩͚̔̎̓ͪ͐ͩű̢͙͔̭͍͇̹̝͓͛̊͢͝i̷̧̠͉̯̬̜͌̾̕ṱ̈͊̎̐ͭͮ͊͘͞e̷̹̥̱̜̣̲̩̬̟̔̌̓̀͢͠ ̵̗͖̪͍̈́͐ͮ̑̕a̬̰̞̫̍̌̇̽ ͍̣͔̤̂̉͑̍ͨ̔̎w̢̬͙̜͎̬ͦͪ̊̉͆ͨͯ̀̕h̢̟̘̟͕͐͟͞i̷̧̩̯̘̟͔̳͚͚͂̋̓̀ͅl̗͙̝̭̫̻͇ͣ̇̓ͨ̈́ͣ̌̑̚ͅe̶͇̪͒̚͠͞ ͉̟̞̮̠͓̀͐h͓̹̥̻̭̯͋͐ͅa̬̱̬̅ͥ̅̒̓͋͂ͧs̠̳̈ͫ̕͟n̴̮͙͓̞̺̲̻ͮͩ'̶͚̬̙̖̱̞̣͛ͦ̓̾͝ͅṫ̜̻̭̙̫ͤ̐́͠ ̷̱̮̬̫̥̌ͦ͛͐̌͘i͔̞̩̲̲͉̹̮̓̄ͫͭ͊ṯ̶̞̝̬͛̔͐ͅ.̳͔̤̱̣͆͋ͫͣ́ͥ̂̽.̡͍̺͙̰̦͉̰̽ͤ̀.͋͡͏͎̣̺L͔̝̞̠̖̤̳̫ͬa̛̺̟̼͎ͯ͆̑̍ͧ̏̋͒yͣ̂ͩ͊͆̓͢͏̖̘ḻ̺͍̥̾̓ͫa̗̻̻͓̫͒̊̓ͦ̌̈́̓͘.̫̪̥̟͓͖ͨͬ͑͗͛́͘ͅͅ.͕̥̦͆ͤ̉̓̚̕?̧͖̬̻͆̓ͦ̚̕͠"

this thing knows my name...but...i can't move...i was too scared..abbadon was holding me close with his wings wrapped around me..but, i didn't feel safe...


Well that was quite the move there. Love me some tension being injected into the narrative although the move for this demon to hold Layla so suddenly surprises me again. I really feel like either there's a lot of hidden backstory there or you're skipping past so much more bonding that needs to happen. Despite that though, love this little cliffhanger that we're ending on.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this seems like a lovely setup here. Things starting to escalate and there being some sort of target clearly on Layla here judging from the warning Abaddon gave earlier.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry





I am big enough to admit I am often inspired by myself.
— Leslie Knope