A Dangerous World (Chapter 2)

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica, Kaname Madoka, White dress, Long hair, Orange eyes, Twintails, Wings, Flying, Swd3e2, Anime girls, Anime Wallpapers HD / Desktop and Mobile Backgrounds

- ~~January~~ ~~10th~~ ~~2030~~ 3:30 PM -

Life is a game we play unwillingly, death can create and destroy, i play this game willingly in hopes to survive, the beauty of life is yet a very cruel, we cheat death multiple times until he gets furious and finally kills us years later, its like we predict our death subconsciously, we survive within the cruel reality until death finally crushes us in his palm, death is like an unknown god that we know nothing of.

i looked at the being in front of me, he was just as confused as me, its been an hour since he spoke last. "do you know how you got here?" i finally asked the being, still confused on why i helped him. "n-no...i don't..", his voice sounded clearer since the last time he spoke, i kept the knife held tightly in my hand but my grip loosened slightly but i still held it. "w-where did you find me..?" he asked this question as if he was scared. "you crashed here..", he looked at me like i seemed crazy, so, i kept my mouth shut the rest of the time and continued cooking.

- ~~4:15~~ PM -

it was late now, when i did live with my parents they said i had a type of form that is bound with my power, i never discovered it until 2 years ago, my eyes were an iredescent orange, i had small, white wings and my clothes changed into this white beautiful dress that i never thought i had within me, it doesn't stay long though, i also had this staff that i was able to hold but it seemed invisible to my parents, they were afraid i would do something dangerous, i haven't learned how to control that power at full potential, but that still begs the question, why did they fear me so intensely?

"what are you making?", i jumped at the voice behind me but then it was just the being, he was about 6 feet tall. "i never got your name, what is it?", i asked. "Abaddon, Abaddon Dunkel" he then explained to me that is first name meant Destroyer and his last name means conceited. it was an odd name but it fit his demonic form.

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Wed Dec 28, 2022 8:09 pm

Shady wrote a review...

Heya Noth!

Shady back for another review, as promised! Excited to see what comes of Layla and this mysterious figure she rescued ^^

we cheat death multiple times until he gets furious and finally kills us years later

Ooh, this is really interesting! I like this a lot ^^ the personification of death immediately after a common turn of phrase is an interesting juxtaposition and I think you made it work really well!

That being said, it's a little odd to start a chapter so abstract like this when you left off on what felt mid-scene in the previous chapter. I honestly expected a direct continuation given the fact the last chapter hadn't felt like it was fully wrapped up.

i jumped at the voice behind me but then it was just the being, he was about 6 feet tall.

haha I know this was meant to be serious, but it kind of made me chuckle. Like, "oh, that was just the demonic being, nbd" haha

he then explained to me that is first name meant Destroyer and his last name means conceited. it was an odd name but it fit his demonic form.

Are you familiar with the concept of "showing vs. telling"? Basically, in prose, you want to "show" wherever possible rather than "tell" and is something I talk about a lot in my reviews. What that means is you want readers to forget that they are reading and to get fully immersed in your story as if they are experiencing it firsthand.

This sort of takes a step back from it by just telling that he "explained" something rather than showing us his dialogue. The dialogue can give valuable characterization and development to help us get a better feel for your characters and is just generally more interesting to read.

~

You definitely have an interesting story! I am intrigued about this Abaddon. I am also intrigued about Layla -- she seems like a really interesting and potentially lonely character, and I'm interested to see if this blooms into an unlikely friendship. I would like to see more interactions between them and develop this. Your chapters are almost on the too-short side, to the point where I feel like I'm getting teeny tiny snippets rather than full scenes. They're really good! They just feel like they need more, if that makes sense?

And, as I mentioned in my last review, I'm not going to hound on this too much but you once again have quite a few grammatical issues in this chapter and lots of run-on sentences that need to be addressed.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions!

~Shady

Points: 2
Reviews: 968

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Tue Dec 20, 2022 12:52 pm

vampricone6783 wrote a review...

I wonder, why did Layla’s parents fear her? Sure, she is peculiar, but she didn’t do anything bad. At least, not that I know of. I liked the continuation! Now at least we know the stranger’s name. I also like the anime art at the beginning of each chapter, it’s really cool. I think that the anime girl is Layla. Is that correct?

Abaddon Dunkel seems okay at the moment, but there is still a lot more to come.

Great story! I wish you a lovely day/night.

NothingMore905 says...

yes, that is correct, it gives you a hint on what her true power is capable of

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Tue Dec 20, 2022 6:53 am

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KateHardy wrote a review...

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is a lovely continuation from the previous chapter. Its a little bit better structured I think and we learn a few more interesting things about our characters. There's still a few questionable things but again I'm assuming we just don't know enough yet.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Life is a game we play unwillingly, death can create and destroy, i play this game willingly in hopes to survive, the beauty of life is yet a very cruel, we cheat death multiple times until he gets furious and finally kills us years later, its like we predict our death subconsciously, we survive within the cruel reality until death finally crushes us in his palm, death is like an unknown god that we know nothing of.

Ooooh that is quite the start there once again. It seems interesting little exploration on topics like this is going to be something of a staple for us to be starting with here. I am definitely not complaining, this is a really powerful little paragraph here.

i looked at the being in front of me, he was just as confused as me, its been an hour since he spoke last. "do you know how you got here?" i finally asked the being, still confused on why i helped him. "n-no...i don't..", his voice sounded clearer since the last time he spoke, i kept the knife held tightly in my hand but my grip loosened slightly but i still held it. "w-where did you find me..?" he asked this question as if he was scared. "you crashed here..", he looked at me like i seemed crazy, so, i kept my mouth shut the rest of the time and continued cooking.

Well for someone that seemingly crashed into the middle of nowhere and has woken up in a strange person's house, that person is taking things remarkably calmly and somehow it appear our protagonist has also lost some of the concern that she seemed to have earlier. That's a pretty intriguing development there.

it was late now, when i did live with my parents they said i had a type of form that is bound with my power, i never discovered it until 2 years ago, my eyes were an iredescent orange, i had small, white wings and my clothes changed into this white beautiful dress that i never thought i had within me, it doesn't stay long though, i also had this staff that i was able to hold but it seemed invisible to my parents, they were afraid i would do something dangerous, i haven't learned how to control that power at full potential, but that still begs the question, why did they fear me so intensely?

Okayy random place to insert this. I feel like it kind of ends up disrupting the flow of the rest of the piece here. Its not a bad detail, I love the sound of what's being described there, but it also just feels a bit forced in there given there didn't seem to anything about the environment or anything else in that moment to trigger such a reaction.

"what are you making?", i jumped at the voice behind me but then it was just the being, he was about 6 feet tall. "i never got your name, what is it?", i asked. "Abaddon, Abaddon Dunkel" he then explained to me that is first name meant Destroyer and his last name means conceited. it was an odd name but it fit his demonic form.

Well proceeding to be even more chill there. I'm going to assume that means perhaps its a common occurrence then for Abaddon. Definitely an interesting character, if the name is meant to tell us anything. Given what I have seen of your characters, names do seem to have a lot of significance. Another somewhat abrupt ending but a little bit better time I think. This manages to work as a decent cliffhanger.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I'm loving where this is headed. It looks like you've got a pretty interesting little world set up here, and while there are a few kinks in the flow there this is pretty solid and that's a decent cliffhanger. Its certainly to make me want to read anything more that comes our way.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Young Writers Society

A Dangerous World (Chapter 2)

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