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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

A Dangerous World (Chapter 3)

by NothingMore905


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Red Demon Boy - PokerFaces and Jokers Collection | OpenSea

Life is but a game we play unwillingly, we eventually die off over time, so, are we surviving or are we just playing a cruel game death made us?

- January 10, 2030 3:45 -

Abaddon...such a strange name to come up with, i'm not entirely sure if hes telling the truth or lying. i finished the food i was making and grabbed to 2 bowls of ramen, i set the first bowl in front of him and then set the second bowl down where i'm gonna sit, i got the drinks and then sat down in front of him. "Layla..right?" he asked, i guess thats one way to start a conversation, "um, yeah...why?" i was a bit skeptical but the look in his eyes told me different, its like he wanted to warn me of something, but what could it be? he then looked at me with a serious look, his horns are tempting to touch, but i'd rather have a hand rather then a stump. "the danger thats coming this way, you can sense it, can you? thats why your always on alert am i right?" how the fu-?! i gripped the fork to a point where it seemed like it was melting in my hand, i set it down quickly realizing i was melting it, the handle of the fork was a red hot. "yeah...why?" i then looked at him a bit concerned on what hes gonna tell me. "Xs for eyes, a mouth that looks like it was sown shut but it was cut open, but all it is, is a shadow and the eyes and mouth are a bright red, the most noticeable feature of the being...sound familiar?" i looked at him like he was crazy. "what the hell are you talking about?" i asked with a stern voice, "theres a code, it lingers in the time, PM and AM, one number is the most noticeable" he then pointed to the clock and the brightest number was a 5, then he somehow pulled out a phone and pointed to the time 30 minutes ago, the 3 was the brightest. "a code...?" he nodded and then stood up, he had to keep his wings folded so he doesn't break anything of mine and he walked to the window. "this being i speak of leaves pieces of its name in these time as in the 3 represents an E and the 5 represents a D, what number do you think is next Layla..?" he looked at me over his shoulder, what the fuck was this guy blabbering about?!


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Wed Dec 28, 2022 8:46 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Heya Noth!

The nice thing about these chapters being so short is I can get through them quickly during small breaks at work, so I'm back again with another review for you this afternoon ^^ Excited to see what Layla and Abbadon are up to in this chapter. Let's get started...

i gripped the fork to a point where it seemed like it was melting in my hand, i set it down quickly realizing i was melting it, the handle of the fork was a red hot.


Ooh, this is a really interesting bit of character development! I'd love to see you explore her powers a bit more. But I think this was a really great way to show how her magic is connected to her emotions and how she's having a hard time controlling it now that Abbadon is upsetting her.

~

Gonna echo what I said in one of the previous reviews about breaking up dialogue into paragraphs by the speaker. I had a bit of a hard time working out who was saying what which made this harder to read.

But it was interesting! I would like to hear a bit more about the code before this chapter ends because right now I'm confused. Having Layla be confused is good, with first-person limited perspective and all that, but I would like to have a bit more where you eventually lead her (and us) to the answer or at least give us more clues to start trying to figure it out ourselves. Because right now it's just confusing, and that's not a great way to end a chapter.

Also! I went ahead and bumped this rating up to 18+ from 16+. No worries, you're not in any trouble or anything and I really, really appreciate how mindful you've been to rate these chapters appropriately ^^ but an f-bomb is an auto 18+ tag for language.

Let me know if you have any questions!

~Shady 8)




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Mon Dec 26, 2022 8:40 pm
AlmondEyes wrote a review...



Howdy!! I would like to say that this story has started off rather interestingly. Something I would recommend doing is to breaking your story up in a way that makes it so people can follow along better. Most of this is just one paragraph with dialogue, but it also had the thoughts and interactions with the characters as well. Giving them their own set space will make it so other can better understand what is happening.

For example:

Abaddon...such a strange name to come up with, i'm not entirely sure if hes telling the truth or lying. i finished the food i was making and grabbed to 2 bowls of ramen, i set the first bowl in front of him and then set the second bowl down where i'm gonna sit, i got the drinks and then sat down in front of him. "Layla..right?" he asked, i guess thats one way to start a conversation, "um, yeah...why?" i was a bit skeptical but the look in his eyes told me different, its like he wanted to warn me of something, but what could it be? he then looked at me with a serious look, his horns are tempting to touch, but i'd rather have a hand rather then a stump.


This puts thoughts, interactions, and dialogue together. This makes things run together and appear jumbled, so people may not understand where one thing ends and another begins. That's why its important to break them up and give them their own space.

Abaddon...such a strange name to come up with, i'm not entirely sure if hes telling the truth or lying. i finished the food i was making and grabbed to 2 bowls of ramen, i set the first bowl in front of him and then set the second bowl down where i'm gonna sit, i got the drinks and then sat down in front of him.

Thoughts and interactions are typically separate from dialogue, but once you gain a better understanding of how to structure your posts, then it'll be easier for you to write in a way that flows and is structurally sound.

"Layla..right?" he asked, i guess that's one way to start a conversation, "um, yeah...why?"

There are multiple instances where interactions and thought directly connect with each other, and this would be an example of that. I still prefer to keep the dialogue separate where Layla replies, but that's just because to me to flows better to show her response by itself.

"Layla..right?" he asked, i guess that's one way to start a conversation,

"um, yeah...why?"

i was a bit skeptical but the look in his eyes told me different, its like he wanted to warn me of something, but what could it be? he then looked at me with a serious look, his horns are tempting to touch, but i'd rather have a hand rather then a stump.

You could put this paragraph after Layla's dialogue and it would work, but some choose not to. This may be more of a preference thing, but ii just goes to show you that it isn't set in stone exactly how every little thing is supposed to be written, which you'll figure out as your writing improves.

When you take the time to structure and format your story properly, it helps the reader to better understand and immerse themselves in the story. Not doing so can directly impact how well the story is received, which is exactly what you don't want as a writer. Some people may do this intentionally, but because you seem to be new I figured it was best to tell you early on. I really hope this helps, because the story itself seems quite interesting. if you need clarification on anything I said, feel free to PM me. I with you the best in your writing!!




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Fri Dec 23, 2022 11:10 pm
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Jahandar wrote a review...



This short story appears to be a supernatural thriller, featuring a mysterious character named Abaddon who warns the protagonist, Layla, about a dangerous being that is approaching. The being is described as having Xs for eyes and a mouth that looks like it was sewn shut, but was actually cut open. The story also mentions a code that is related to the time, with certain numbers representing letters. It seems like the story is building up to a reveal or twist involving this being, though the exact nature of the threat remains unclear. The language used in the story is straightforward and to the point, with a focus on conveying the plot and character actions. Overall, the story has a tense and eerie atmosphere, and seems to be setting up for an exciting and suspenseful conclusion.




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Fri Dec 23, 2022 7:07 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



I doubt that Abaddon is lying about his name, but you never know with these characters. Abaddon kind of sounds like “abandon”. I don’t know if that was done on purpose, but that’s really cool. I wonder what this being is and why it must be feared. It looks pretty menacing, from the picture that I see. As for the code…3 is E and 5 is D…maybe E and D are the first letters to the continuation!

I wish you a marvelous day/night.




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Fri Dec 23, 2022 2:51 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is a lovely continuation from where we left off the other day. Its starting to feel like we're not quite getting enough information now that we're already at chapter three, but I think its still early enough that this very slow build up with bits of information is working so far.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Life is but a game we play unwillingly, we eventually die off over time, so, are we surviving or are we just playing a cruel game death made us?


Well this is quite the question to be starting off with. Not quite as intriguing as the questions that we ran into at the start of these chapters earlier, but still something to get our attention there and that's great. It does also seem like maybe these have a bit of vague connection to what actually happens in the chapter although that has been hard to confirm.

Abaddon...such a strange name to come up with, i'm not entirely sure if hes telling the truth or lying. i finished the food i was making and grabbed to 2 bowls of ramen, i set the first bowl in front of him and then set the second bowl down where i'm gonna sit, i got the drinks and then sat down in front of him. "Layla..right?" he asked, i guess thats one way to start a conversation, "um, yeah...why?" i was a bit skeptical but the look in his eyes told me different, its like he wanted to warn me of something, but what could it be? he then looked at me with a serious look, his horns are tempting to touch, but i'd rather have a hand rather then a stump. "the danger thats coming this way, you can sense it, can you? thats why your always on alert am i right?" how the fu-?! i gripped the fork to a point where it seemed like it was melting in my hand, i set it down quickly realizing i was melting it, the handle of the fork was a red hot. "yeah...why?" i then looked at him a bit concerned on what hes gonna tell me. "Xs for eyes, a mouth that looks like it was sown shut but it was cut open, but all it is, is a shadow and the eyes and mouth are a bright red, the most noticeable feature of the being...sound familiar?" i looked at him like he was crazy. "what the hell are you talking about?" i asked with a stern voice, "theres a code, it lingers in the time, PM and AM, one number is the most noticeable" he then pointed to the clock and the brightest number was a 5, then he somehow pulled out a phone and pointed to the time 30 minutes ago, the 3 was the brightest. "a code...?" he nodded and then stood up, he had to keep his wings folded so he doesn't break anything of mine and he walked to the window. "this being i speak of leaves pieces of its name in these time as in the 3 represents an E and the 5 represents a D, what number do you think is next Layla..?" he looked at me over his shoulder, what the was this guy blabbering about?!

Oki this one here is a little bit all over the place here in terms of the flow. A few of the previous chapters have managed to toe this line rather closely, but this is the first one that really goes past it and its become a bit of a hard to follow wall of text here. Some paragraphing, especially where there's dialogue could work wonders here in making this is a little clearer to read and improving the general flow here.

Moving past that little problem, this is a cool little setup. I'm still not entirely convinced by how casual these two are acting around each other. There's a few moments of surprise and alarm but they sound like they've known each other for a while which doesn't work with the whole just picked this person up from a ditch plan. Besides that little gripe though I love the cryptic message of doom here. I think you manage to give us enough not to make this too vague while of course ensuring that its very mysterious. The moment where we get a small glimpse of power is also interesting. Given our protagonist was feared by her own parents I'm assuming that was just a teeny fraction of what she can do.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think this is shaping up nicely. You're certainly doing enough with each of these chapters to keep us hooked and wanting to read more, and I do find myself wanting to read more. I can't wait to see what comes next and what this warning ends up meaning.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry





An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that life's going to launch you into something great, so just focus and keep aiming.
— Unknown