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16+ Language Mature Content

A Dangerous World

by NothingMore905


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

Life never seems as we expect it to be, all we know is that its dangerously beautiful in its own way but many of us die in the process, its like the world is trying to be rid of us, we've done a lot of damage to this world, so its hurting us as well, its protecting itself from all the harm we cause it, i learned this the hard way when i discovered my power, this is my story...

- January 10th, 2030 -

My Name is Layla Samuel, my first name means dark beauty and my last name means angel of death,i don't know why my parents gave me this name, but i don't mind it, i usually keep myself hidden from society because if they knew what i was capable of, they would take me away from where i live now, i no longer live with my parents. i then saw a red flash in the distance and i didn't know what it was so i went to check it out, since i could teleport i concentrated on the area where the red flash was and i was right next to it and there was a medium sized hole in the ground, "hello?" i then saw a figure stand up, it looked like it had horns and wings but it had a human figure, its head then turned towards me, "w̴̹͚̄͘h̴̛̛͈͍̉̽̾ō̶̡̱.̷͈̖̮̟͊̍́͘.̸̫̻̫̩̗͒͐.̷̢̨̪̂à̷͙͇͔̤̝̐̄͘r̵̙̲̯̰͆̃͝͠e̷̝̜͎͋͠ ̶̮̇̌̅̇y̵̨̻̬̥̍̿̄͛͝ͅö̷̜̳̗́̚ū̴͚̺̐̓͌͝.̶̰͒.̸̢̪̭̆.̴̡̛̠̹̦̍́?̸̻͙̔̋̄̏̚" that was the question it asked me before collapsing to the ground, i then ran towards it and it looked human just with horns and wings, it was also a male, i then looked around to make sure no one was around, i then put my hand on his back and teleported back home, i laid him down on the couch and waited for him to wake up.

- 2:30 PM -

He then woke up and sat up quickly, "W̸̘̄̽͌͒̀̍ͅh̴̲͓̲̬͆ą̶̹͚͎̻̍̽-̵̧̡̫̘̳͆̆ ̸̫͊͂̔ẉ̸̡̢̡͍̖̼̋̐̔̀̉̑h̷̼̟̬̰̬̋̔̓̾̀̒̕e̸͓͈̞͈̫͉͆̔̐̏͘r̵͔̬̗̺̰̓̈͋͋̓͝ͅė̶͓̇̓́̈́ ̵̺͊͑̋ȃ̸͔̱͊̑̈́͠m̷͈̥̓́́̇͛͐ ̵̧̤̖̈́̾̿̔́ì̷̜͉̥̦͇͓̑́̍?̵̪̜̣́̔͛͜!̸̢̡̧͍̝̙̆̒̑̒͌" i looked over at him, "your awake.." i turned my back towards the counter, i held a knife in one hand to make sure he doesn't do anything, "W̷͉̑́͘̚h̴̲̭̋̂ō̷͖̙͔̳̻̲ ̵̖͓͈̞͓̠͔̒̑̓ȁ̷̙͕̼̱̓͐͜r̸̟̝͒̔̔͗̊͒ë̴̜̙̗̤̳̻́ ̸̧̡̹͔̅y̶̛̥͉̞̖̎̿̀͝ǫ̶̫͖͕̝̪̟̀͗̈́̈́̈́́ů̵̞̟͚͙̤̫̈́̕͝ͅ?̵̲͕̖̰̩̠̋̈́́͘͜!̶̧̛͚̿̔̀̽" he looked at me while asking, "Layla is my name, thats all your getting until i trust you. i didn't care much on what happened to this guy, but why did i save him?


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Wed Dec 28, 2022 7:48 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Heya Noth!

Hope you're doing well! Shady here with a quick review for you, as requested ^^ My style tends to be a line-by-line critique of things that stand out to me -- both positive and negative -- followed by overall thoughts and suggestions. This is a really short piece so my review likely will be short, too, but I will attempt to give helpful feedback all the same. Let's jump right on in...

Life never seems as we expect it to be, all we know is that its dangerously beautiful in its own way but many of us die in the process, its like the world is trying to be rid of us, we've done a lot of damage to this world, so its hurting us as well, its protecting itself from all the harm we cause it, i learned this the hard way when i discovered my power, this is my story...


This is a massively run-on sentence. I tend to be particularly critical of first sentences and paragraphs, since they can really make or break you. Obviously, you can have an awesome story even with a weak first paragraph -- but a lot of times if people are in libraries or stores or something they'll pick up a book and skim the first page. And if you want them to read on, then you need to make sure that your story is compelling from the very start.

And this is an interesting opening! But it being so long and unruly sort of takes away from that. Honestly, even just re-punctuating and making sure you capitalize appropriately would be an improvement. Something like:

Life never seems as we expect it to be. All we know is that it is dangerously beautiful in its own way, but many of us die in the process. It's like the world is trying to be rid of us. We've done a lot of damage to this world, so it's hurting us as well. It's protecting itself from all the harm we cause it. I learned this the hard way when I discovered my power. This is my story...


See how that's different? Adding the stops makes these thoughts shorter and more digestible and easier to get pulled into the narrative. It's a really great segment, and this helps it be readable.

Also, several grammatical issues I see that I will address here:

its = possessive. So like, "beautiful in its own way" is correct. But all the others you mean as a contraction for it is, so there should be an apostrophe making it 'it's' instead of 'its'.

And then "I" should always be capitalized. Always.

"hello?" i then saw a figure stand up, it looked like it had horns and wings but it had a human figure, its head then turned towards me, "w̴̹͚̄͘h̴̛̛͈͍̉̽̾ō̶̡̱.̷͈̖̮̟͊̍́͘.̸̫̻̫̩̗͒͐.̷̢̨̪̂à̷͙͇͔̤̝̐̄͘r̵̙̲̯̰͆̃͝͠e̷̝̜͎͋͠ ̶̮̇̌̅̇y̵̨̻̬̥̍̿̄͛͝ͅö̷̜̳̗́̚ū̴͚̺̐̓͌͝.̶̰͒.̸̢̪̭̆.̴̡̛̠̹̦̍́?̸̻͙̔̋̄̏̚"


Throughout this next paragraph, you again have massively run-on sentences. I really suggest breaking this up into multiple sentences. Very long sentences make prose hard to read and are a turn-off for readers. And your content is really good! It's just the delivery that needs a bit of help ^^

Further nitpicks -- each bit of dialogue should have its own paragraph. So it'd be fine to end that paragraph with the "hello?" But then the next bit should be in a new paragraph. Giving each new speaker their own paragraph helps differentiate who is speaking and keeps things easy to read.

~

Do you have a word processor like Word? Or even a free Grammarly account? Those tools can be immensely helpful by pointing out grammatical issues in capitalization and misplaced punctuation at the very least. I had the exact same struggles as you when I first started writing, and using these tools really helped me strengthen my grammatical skills so that I could hone my storytelling skills not just the mechanics of language. I think that would help you ^^ I plan to read on and I suspect these issues will persist, but I don't love giving grammatical reviews, so I'll only touch briefly on the issues in the future, probably. But I suspect this is a suggestion that will benefit you generally and I think would be worth keeping in mind ^^

~

Okay! Overall, I really liked this! You definitely set this up as intriguing right away, making me wonder who Layla is and where this story is going. Why can she teleport? Who is this figure? Why was her immediate response to rescue him and bring him home? The last question she has of "why did I save him?" is a question I have as well.

Since this is so short you definitely have a ton of room to expand this chapter a bit and answer some of those questions. Add in some characterization for why her gut reaction was to go to him and then bring him home. But I suspect you'll be answering some of that in chapter two, so I guess I'll read on!

Last thought is I really like the font you used for the figure ^^ I have no idea how people do that, but it's cool ^^

Hope this helped! Let me know if you have any questions about anything I said ^^

~Shady 8)




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Mon Dec 19, 2022 10:42 pm
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...



I wonder what will become of Layla and this man. She wanders the streets and it’s just her luck to meet a demon in the streets. I don’t know if this man should be trusted, but something tells me that this isn’t the last time they’ll be with each other. They might become either allies or enemies. Maybe even frenemies, perhaps. This is a cool beginning and I can’t wait to see more.

I wish you an amazing day/night.




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Mon Dec 19, 2022 8:19 pm
PoetryMisfit wrote a review...



Hi NothingMore905.

Below are a few thoughts I’d like to share with you after reading your piece:

The message in your first paragraph is intriguing; the world protecting itself from the threat humanity poses, and how humanity must struggle to survive. Mother Nature is a dangerous beauty, which you allude to here. I’m curious to see how this theme factors into your story and this beginning seems to set a Dystopian tone.

I noticed that you cross out dates and times which is interesting. I’m curious to know what the significance of that is?

You start the second paragraph with some exposition detailing Layla’s backstory with her parents, and then jump straight into the action. She follows a red light and discovers a demon - an intriguing start.

However, the scene cuts straight from the exposition to her seeing the red light across the sky without providing much to set the scene beforehand. As a result I had a hard time visualizing what was happening, so I would recommend incorporating a gradual segway from the exposition to this scene by providing some description as to where she is.

So far, Layla has a power that others would capture her for possessing, and her use of teleportation hints at that possibly being the power unless there is more that we’ll get to see later. This factor about other people wanting her for her power also connects with the message in your first paragraph, about the world being a dangerous place. I can imagine that the people who want to take her away have malicious intent in doing so.

The scene where she helps the demon would be a good time to show what is going through her head. That way the reader can connect more with Layla in her decision to help him and would show more of her character in the process.

I also noticed that you had quite a few run-on sentences. I would recommend reading back through and seeing where the natural pauses are and place periods there. That way the writing will flow better.

What a cliffhanger! I want to know what happens next; what does she learn from this stranger, where did he come from, what’s the world like that Layla lives in? All of these are questions swirling in my head, so I would love to see where you take this story.

Thanks for sharing!
Poetry Misfit




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Mon Dec 19, 2022 11:05 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is a pretty intriguing little start here. I think you've gone and painted a pretty powerful picture there in terms of this person being from a dark time hiding some sort of big secret, and also making a bit of a questionable decision. All a good recipe for the start of a novel.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Life never seems as we expect it to be, all we know is that its dangerously beautiful in its own way but many of us die in the process, its like the world is trying to be rid of us, we've done a lot of damage to this world, so its hurting us as well, its protecting itself from all the harm we cause it, i learned this the hard way when i discovered my power, this is my story...


Well that is certainly quite the statement to open on there. I think it does a wonderful job to kick things off here. Statements like that about the world are always great ways to get a reader's attention but to then have it also be linked to what seems like it will end up being the main premise of this story works wonderfully to get us invested quite quickly here.

My Name is Layla Samuel, my first name means dark beauty and my last name means angel of death,i don't know why my parents gave me this name, but i don't mind it, i usually keep myself hidden from society because if they knew what i was capable of, they would take me away from where i live now, i no longer live with my parents. i then saw a red flash in the distance and i didn't know what it was so i went to check it out, since i could teleport i concentrated on the area where the red flash was and i was right next to it and there was a medium sized hole in the ground, "hello?" i then saw a figure stand up, it looked like it had horns and wings but it had a human figure, its head then turned towards me, "w̴̹͚̄͘h̴̛̛͈͍̉̽̾ō̶̡̱.̷͈̖̮̟͊̍́͘.̸̫̻̫̩̗͒͐.̷̢̨̪̂à̷͙͇͔̤̝̐̄͘r̵̙̲̯̰͆̃͝͠e̷̝̜͎͋͠ ̶̮̇̌̅̇y̵̨̻̬̥̍̿̄͛͝ͅö̷̜̳̗́̚ū̴͚̺̐̓͌͝.̶̰͒.̸̢̪̭̆.̴̡̛̠̹̦̍́?̸̻͙̔̋̄̏̚" that was the question it asked me before collapsing to the ground, i then ran towards it and it looked human just with horns and wings, it was also a male, i then looked around to make sure no one was around, i then put my hand on his back and teleported back home, i laid him down on the couch and waited for him to wake up.


Hmm I wonder if this is meant to be sort of like a journal entry there given the dates and the times being mentioned because the style this happens in is very reminiscent of that. Its not quite so much as showcasing things as they happen but rather we're getting a sort of brief account of everything that happened. Its an interesting way to go about something that seems like a rather dark and sort of fantasy esque style but I do find myself intrigued, especially about how this person seems so careful about staying away from attention but then almost without a thought brings a random stranger home. I sense there's maybe a little more to that than what we're being told here.

He then woke up and sat up quickly, "W̸̘̄̽͌͒̀̍ͅh̴̲͓̲̬͆ą̶̹͚͎̻̍̽-̵̧̡̫̘̳͆̆ ̸̫͊͂̔ẉ̸̡̢̡͍̖̼̋̐̔̀̉̑h̷̼̟̬̰̬̋̔̓̾̀̒̕e̸͓͈̞͈̫͉͆̔̐̏͘r̵͔̬̗̺̰̓̈͋͋̓͝ͅė̶͓̇̓́̈́ ̵̺͊͑̋ȃ̸͔̱͊̑̈́͠m̷͈̥̓́́̇͛͐ ̵̧̤̖̈́̾̿̔́ì̷̜͉̥̦͇͓̑́̍?̵̪̜̣́̔͛͜!̸̢̡̧͍̝̙̆̒̑̒͌" i looked over at him, "your awake.." i turned my back towards the counter, i held a knife in one hand to make sure he doesn't do anything, "W̷͉̑́͘̚h̴̲̭̋̂ō̷͖̙͔̳̻̲ ̵̖͓͈̞͓̠͔̒̑̓ȁ̷̙͕̼̱̓͐͜r̸̟̝͒̔̔͗̊͒ë̴̜̙̗̤̳̻́ ̸̧̡̹͔̅y̶̛̥͉̞̖̎̿̀͝ǫ̶̫͖͕̝̪̟̀͗̈́̈́̈́́ů̵̞̟͚͙̤̫̈́̕͝ͅ?̵̲͕̖̰̩̠̋̈́́͘͜!̶̧̛͚̿̔̀̽" he looked at me while asking, "Layla is my name, thats all your getting until i trust you. i didn't care much on what happened to this guy, but why did i save him?


Hmm that's an interesting place to end it on. It seems like this conversation is a little more real time in terms of how it seems to be written as it happens but its a bit lumped together there and it cuts off a bit abruptly.

It feels a bit incomplete because besides the reactions that anyone would expect to see, we don't get much besides Layla admitting her choice from earlier really didn't seem to have an explanation to her either.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this is a pretty decent start. It makes you ask a lot of questions which is what you want and I'm sure more of these intentions that we're seeing here will become clearer and clearer as the story goes. For the moment its pretty solid and it does enough to keep you reading on to find out more. The only slight issue is that the ending there is a bit more towards the abrupt side.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry





I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.
— Edgar Allan Poe