Hunted 1.1

by Noelle

Published July 30, 2018

12+

In Hunted

137.1390

The carriage jerked to the side as the driver attempted to avoid the larger stones in the road. Alekos commended him for trying, but thought the ride might be a little smoother if he didn’t try so hard. It was in no way was enjoyable and he knew there wasn't a way to improve it in the moment. Once Alekos’s father relinquished the throne to him this road was getting paved.

The city was growing small with the distance. Alekos craned his neck to be able to watch it disappear; his beautiful Ellyna with it’s stone clad buildings and many street markets. There wasn’t a day he didn’t wake up thankful to be there.

The city laid in a valley. For it to be completely doused in natural light the sun had to be almost at full height. That’s when the activity started. Sounds of conversations and children laughing reached the palace windows often. Alekos liked to sit in his study at the end of the day and take it all in. He would position his chair just right so he could watch purple slowly fill the sky as the sun set behind the far hill. Half of the city would be plunged in darkness from the shadows of the expanse while the rest clung on to the last few moments of light.

There wasn’t much impressive about Ellyna. They weren’t a powerful country and never would be. Fighting wasn’t something they valued. Even so, they were making it through just fine. There weren’t many kingdoms within traveling distance which cut down on the list of possible enemies considerably. Only Hethir resided close. But that kingdom hadn’t shown any life for nearly half a century, so it was no threat. All they did was keep an eye on it. There wasn’t much else to do.

Another rock sent the carriage wobbling. Alekos smacked into the door and groaned. “There has to be another way there right? This is dangerous.”

The servant next to him looked ready to jump and ask the driver, but the man across from him shook his head. “This is the only way, my prince. Stop complaining, we’re almost there.”

His name was Ren and he was right. Alekos shouldn’t complain. After all, he only had to travel this path three times a year. Save for emergencies. There were others who frequented this road. And if they were anything like him, they wouldn’t enjoy a moment of it.

He sometimes wondered what it would be like to live in the village. It wasn’t something he was willing to give up his city for, but the open air was tempting. And the sunlight blaring between the trees. There was beauty to be found up here as well he reasoned. You could probably see for miles.

Closing his eyes, Alekos took a deep breath. He pictured the sky painted above him with pinks and purples while a slight breeze passed by. It was a relaxation trick the physician taught him. Curiously enough it was working now. He didn’t notice much of the rest of the ride.

The servant, a young boy with well groomed dark hair, cleared his throat. “We’re nearing the crest of the hill. We’ll be stopping soon. Sir.” He added the last word quickly, as if he’d almost forgotten. Alekos didn’t mind. The boy was new at the job, he’d get everything down soon.

“Thank you.” Alekos didn’t want to come out of his mind, but he knew he had to. The end of the journey meant the beginning of his job. It wasn’t one he was looking forward to so the less time they spent up here the better. He’d have yet another conversation with his father about it when they returned home.

Finally, the carriage began to slow. There was a smoother road up here and the carriage barely shook. When they came to a stop the servant opened the door next to him. A moment passed and his cheeks turned red.

“Sorry,” he muttered as he hurried out of the carriage.

Ren laughed. “Poor lad. Imagine the punishment his mother will give him when she hears of this.”

Alekos shook his head. “She doesn’t need to hear. Neither of us will tell her.”

Ren gave him a hard look, but nodded. He wasn’t always so agreeing with the prince. They fought on many issues daily. Alekos didn’t care though, because Ren was only his bodyguard. The man had no say in any thing that mattered. He was just there to look scary.

And scary he looked. His large biceps barely fit in the sleeves of his tunic. Sharp green eyes contrasted against his tan skin. A single look from them and people cleared the road for the prince.

Alekos had once considered asking for another bodyguard. Despite his skills, Ren wasn’t all that great of a person. Alekos would not have picked him if he had had a say in the matter. None of it truly mattered, he decided. The man kept him safe.

The door opened and the servant bowed Alekos out of the carriage. Alekos placed a hand on the young servant’s shoulder as he passed. “Don’t make a scene of this when you return. I forgive the mistake.”

The boy nodded slightly and didn't look up from his bow. He was supposed to right himself and announce Alekos's presence, but it seemed that he didn't know that either. Alekos sighed and prepared to announce his own presence. But he was taken aback before he could even think how to do that.

The people standing in front of him were looking on with hateful eyes. There were about fifty huddled in a pack, hands full with everything from cloth to fresh meat. It looked as if they had been standing there for a while. One lady looked clearly bored. The man next to her had an unevenly shaved beard and tired eyes. This didn’t make Alekos’s job any easier.

He must have stood there for a while because Ren stepped up next to him. “Your father usually speaks of the Collection before we commence,” he said, not taking his eyes from the crowd. “Something along the lines of ‘thank you for your patronage.’”

That made sense. Why else would he need to be here? Having a member of the royals attend probably started out as a formality, but now it was a requirement. This solidified the bond between village and city.

Alekos stepped forward. “Another Collection Day is upon us. Ellyna cannot thrive unless we all work to keep it thriving. What the city cannot provide you lend us. We turn to your skills and efforts to support us.”

He paused, expecting applause. There was none. It was like the words he said never happened. The silence that greeted him had not left. It crushed his chest. He swallowed a few times, trying to force the lump out of his throat. “The king regrets he cannot be here to participate, but he sends his well wishes with me.

“The guards will direct you to the appropriate cart.” He paused to point them out. Surely the villagers knew how this went by now. Formality made him show them anyway. There were so many rules. “Please continue in an orderly fashion. Your cooperation will make this go by a lot faster. Ellyna thanks you.”

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
SpiritedWolfe
Review
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review Review · Sep 30, 2018

Back again~ Let's get right into it ^^

Overall, I also really liked this section. It started off with a good introduction to Alekos and Ren, who appear to be two of our main characters throughout this, mixed in some world building throughout both parts, and ended by showing some of the tension that we can expect to see through the entire novel.

The main issue I have is that I'm a bit confused by what is occurring in the second portion. After the servant let Alekos out of the carriage (and I'm not entirely sure what it is he did wrong in the carriage?), he seemed so shocked by what was occurring. And from what he said about having to come up to the village three times a year, I would think he would know what to expect. Was it simply because of how aggressive they seemed? Or was it because it was Alekos alone instead of the King?

That part took me several rereads in order to really get an understanding of what was going on. Because originally I thought that the villagers were being rounded up for something, but now I think I understand that they're giving up some of their goods as a kind of tax. Something they call the collection (which I had thought meant collection of people <.< ). But my point still stands that it seems odd that Alekos is so surprised of this set up occurring.

Overall, I liked this part, but there doesn't feel like too much has happened yet. I'm hoping the second half of this chapter will start introducing us to the main conflict of this story and starting pushing up the stakes!

I'm excited to read on~ Best of luck!
- Wolfe

User avatar
StellaThomas
Review
StellaThomas wrote a review Review · Sep 2, 2018

Hey @Noelle! How's it going? Sorry I'm a bit slow to catch up but hopefully I'll get there!

Honestly, I liked this part a lot more than I liked your prologue, I think that this suits your style a lot better, your prose was lovely and relaxed. There are a few lines I've picked out for various reasons, not necessarily nitpicks.

Once Alekos’s father relinquished the throne to him this road was getting paved.


This line is by far the most powerful out of your opening paragraph - in fact, I would consider bumping it right up to the top as your opening line, it sets the tone in a great way.

his beautiful Ellyna with it’s stone clad buildings and many street markets.


its ;) Remember, his, hers, its, he's, she's, it's.

There weren’t many kingdoms within traveling distance


This confused me because, presumably, where one kingdom ends, another begins, unless they literally live surrounded by wilderness - which is cool too, but that comes with its own dangers that I feel should have been addressed here. I got the impression that Ellyna is a small city state with some sattelite villages - I am 100% sure that this will get explained more. But long story short, I thought this was a weird line.

Finally, the carriage began to slow. There was a smoother road up here and the carriage barely shook. When they came to a stop the servant opened the door next to him. A moment passed and his cheeks turned red.

“Sorry,” he muttered as he hurried out of the carriage.


I really failed to understand the whole ongoing thing with the servant! The conflict is nice, because it adds a little something to what would otherwise just be a carriage ride, and it teaches us about Alekos's character in a really clever way - I just don't understand what's going on, what the servant is doing wrong apart from being flustered etc.

Overall, I'm really intrigued by this. I like that he's set off to do his own tax-collecting, and doesn't understand the resentment that people feel. I really got a strong sense of Alekos as a character, and that's rare for this soon in a story, so I really liked it. As I say, the main conflict of the first half or so of this is between him and the servant, so I feel like that just needs to be cleaned up.

But otherwise, A+, onto the next part!

(I had this review started ages ago and never finished it, hopefully it won't take me too long to catch up now <3)

- Stella x

User avatar
Messenger
Review
Messenger wrote a review Review · Jul 30, 2018

Hey Noelle, my concentration levels after work are quickly dropping into the negative hundreds but here I am so yay -_-

So, there are a decent amount of grammar nitpicks but first drafts blah blah blah I've kind of moved on from those in my reviews cuz there's a good chance you'll edit those sentences in the future anyway so

So these are just some random thoughts in no specific order. Is Ellyna the country or the city, or both? Because you say Alekos looks back at Ellyna, but then you say Ellyna the country, and it would be hard to look back at a country xD

This chapter gets kind of telly. You say how Alekos feels rather than show us. So the whole chapter felt a bit impersonal This is the same problem everyone has said about my first chapter) maybe adding a few personal thoughts, even if not in italics would help.

There's a lot of history going on here. Dad and son seem a little ...tense. Alekos wants to change things or fix things that I would assume his dad doesn't find important. But I'm most intrigued with this Collection Day thing. It got really Hunger Games vibe at the end all of a sudden. I am a bit confused with what's going on though. What are the carts, who are the people, and why are they being herded? Are they being taken like a reaping or something?

The people themselves feel a bit cardboardish. I know they don't cheer but... do they murmur, do they sneer? What's the attitude that they send across to Alekos? Does Ren's presence intimidate them?

Sorry if I come across as a bit of a downer :P let me know if you have any questions and keep tagging me. THere's not a lot to know about the story yet, but I'm interested to find out more. Especially because of your title >.>

~Mess

User avatar
IcyFlame
Review
IcyFlame wrote a review Review · Jul 30, 2018

Hi there! Here as promised for a review :)

Can I just say for starters that this is the perfect length for posting, long enough to get drawn in but not so long that my eyes begin to hurt from reading on a screen. So, kudos for that.

Nitpicks first:

It was in no way was enjoyable and he knew there wasn't a way to improve it in the moment.


This is an odd way of saying this. Maybe change to 'improve it at the moment' or 'at this point in time'. It reads a bit strangely right now.

Alekos craned his neck to be able to watch it disappear; his beautiful Ellyna with it’s its stone clad buildings and many street markets.


Also not sure about the semicolon here, but I may be wrong so get a second opinion.

The boy was new at the job, he’d get everything down soon.


This turn of phrase doesn't quite fit. Maybe just change to 'he'd learn soon enough'.

When they came to a stop the servant opened the door next to him. A moment passed and his cheeks turned red.

“Sorry,” he muttered as he hurried out of the carriage.

Ren laughed. “Poor lad. Imagine the punishment his mother will give him when she hears of this.”


I got a bit confused here as I'd assumed Ren was the servant. Not sure if this is just me but maybe it could be made clearer that they are two separate people? If it's me being silly feel free to ignore!


Overall impressions:

I think I like the character of the prince - is he going to turn out to be the king from the prologue? I'm confused about his relationship with Ren though, the way Ren spoke to him to begin with seemed like it might have been in jest but then the prince says he doesn't like him? Maybe you could make that slightly clearer too.

A good start I think, and one I'm looking forward to continuing. But now, my bed awaits!

Icy



Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just stab Caesar!
— Gretchen Wieners