Young Writers Society

Hey, Noelle!! ^^ Finally getting around to starting this.

Keep in mind I'm not reading other reviews (because there are many) but still want to share my thoughts!

I just have to say I love your opening paragraph. It's written so beautifully, it flows so well, and the descriptions give me a really good mental image of the scene. Not to mention it sets up a wonderful atmosphere that I hope continues on throughout the rest of the scene. (Man I love your writing xD)

Tbh all of this was really well written in my opinion. I could go on for ages about flow and such, but I'll get down into the content.

I get that you probably want to have a lot of mystery and lots of questions for the reader if they actually decide to read the prologue, but I feel like there is a fine line you have to toe for that. And this feels like we have absolutely no answers for questions we didn't even know we had. So, we learn from this that there is a war between kingdoms and the Sorceress has to do something because of it. And then we're left with the questions of who are these kingdoms? What are the necklaces? Who is the Sorceress? What are they fighting over? What does she have to do?

Even though you don't need to go on any full on info dumps, I wish there was some indication of what these necklaces are, maybe some kind of name or a hint at their magic, so that we can later recognize them easier. (Obviously they're going to show up in the main part of the novel )

I'm interested! I just wish we had more to go off of xD Writing quality though? Beautiful. So excited to continue.

Best wishes!
- Wolfe

Hey Noelle! You asked if anyone was going to be able to adopt this and I'm intrigued so I think I will! As this always has some reviews I'll keep mine brief and keep my energy for later parts.

I am not usually a fan of prologues but this one was good and felt prologuey. From your blurb on your status it sounds like this maybe is going to have happened a long time before the main events of your novel. I dig it! I like the idea of a king and a sorceress. I don't know. It felt like these two powerful, legendary people at a legendary time. I liked it.

I see that one of the other reviewers, and I would agree, said that she didn't seem shocked or horrified enough when he said that he had called for surrender. I didn't really buy it when you said that she was horrified. I would prefer to see a visceral reaction - no matter how rapidly she recovers from it.

Overall it was a good opening and I look forward to reading ahead!

- Stella x

Hey there Noelle! My name is MJ, and I'm stopping by for a review on your chapter today *Disclaimer: Everything I say is my personal opinion, and you do not need to heed my advice if you don't want to. Everything I say is with the goal of improving not only this chapter, but also your writing in general, and though I never intend any of my comments to be offensive in any way, I apologize if the way I phrase my critiques come across as offensive. None of my comments are attacks on you as a person, only on your writing*

Overall, your prose was strong. I could conjure a mental image from your descriptions, and a lot of your descriptions were incredible. However, there are a few areas that could be improved that take this piece from having the potential of being great to a true masterpiece. Right now, it seems that you have scraps of a masterpiece, but the way you tie them together needs some strengthening. Nevertheless, you are in a fantastic place for a first draft right now, and with a little bit of rewriting, this story has a lot of potential!

The noise, however, still echoed in the sorceress’s ears.

No matter how she tried to dispel it they would not leave her; clanging swords, hooves pounding into the ground, wailing soldiers clinging to the last breaths of life.

But when she saw who it was, she snuffed it out

No. This was all that needed to be doneRegardless of the cost, this is what she needed to do.

Hi Noelle,

I seem to be in the habit of reviewing prologues at the moment so I'll jump straight into this one. I often write prologues, as for some reason I can't seem to stop myself but before actually reviewing this I want to say: ask yourself whether you actually need a prologue.

Prologues are a surprisingly controversial topic when it comes to fantasy/sci-fi writing. You'll find some people who insist you can't start the novel without them and some who will tell you it's a colossal waste of time and people won't read it. Only you can decide whether your novel needs one, but definitely have a good think about it - especially as you get further into writing your novel and have a good idea of how it's going to work.

Now onto the actual review!

A warmness spread through him.

She put the ruby necklace over the king’s head and then put the opal one over hers. Not for the first time, she begun to doubt herself. Was this the only way? Surely if they returned to the castle a few more hours of brainstorming would come to a different outcome.

No. This was all that needed to be done.

A horn sounded from the hill behind them. The sorceress flinched; it was the sound of surrender. The kingdom she spent every waking minute protecting was surrendering.

“Did you order this?”

The king hesitated. It was long enough that his answer was apparent. He didn’t need to explain, but he did anyway. “We would have been completely destroyed. I won’t lose my kingdom.”

I think this is a really good prologue, it definitely hints at more to come.

When she is thinking about the souls on her conscience you could have her think: departed souls, or something else that implies that she feels their deaths weighing down on her.
I understood what you meant but an extra description would clarify, if I understood what you were implying correctly.

I think it was really well written and it makes the reader want to find out more!

Hii, I find it amusing... The Story line is great... And it is clean and clear . It is easily understandable... I think you should have described about the protagonist before but it's okay. That's my point of view , hope you don't mind... Keep it up and update soon. Waiting for the next update

hiii, i love how you have written this parts. this story is nice . great start keep going . all the best