Alpha - 4

by NafaKitty

Published June 12, 2018

18+ Language Violence

In Alpha

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

The humans went after them. “I said stop! If you do not comply we will have no choice but to use force.”

The wolves stopped and stared at the humans. Winchester began to laugh. “Use force? Against us? You must be tafaryn.” Winchester shook his head.

“Foreigners?” The humans looked at each other, suddenly unsure as to what to do. “Do you have your registration papers?”

“Our what? Registration papers? Of what do you speak?” Xalyn asked them, stepping forward. He was the Lunar King, so it was only natural that he would be the leader of their group.

“Oh, great. They’re illegal immigrants.” The humans pulled the small metal objects from their belts and pointed them towards the wolves. “We’re gonna need you to come with us.”

Gun powder. Those objects reeked of the stuff. The hair on the back of Xalyn’s neck stood on end, warning him of danger. “We are not going anywhere with you,” Xalyn said, eyes narrowed. Whatever those objects were…they were not good.

One of the humans began to speak but Winchester moved towards them quickly, pushing his arm up. A loud bang filled the air, the smell of gun powder growing much stronger. Winchester brought the man’s arm down right as he brought his knee up. A loud snap filled the air and Winchester grabbed the thing from the human’s hand and kicked him backwards. He had seen how the man had made it work, so he pointed it at the other two men and pulled the small lever. It went off and made Winchester’s arm jerk slightly. He shot the other man before he had a chance to do the same. Winchester decided that he was not going to take chances with the human whose arm he had broken and shot him as well.

The wolves all stared down at the three dead humans. Kaya wrapped her arms around her body, “What was that thing? I do not like this time. I want to go home,” She said, staring at nothing.

“Why the hell did you kill them? Are you daft? What if there were others on their way?” Aflenthia scowled at Winchester, “What if they have a way of checking on each other? Someone is going to notice that they are missing.”

“He was going to hurt us. I was not willing to take the chance of one of us getting injured. We cannot afford it. If I had not acted who knows what would have happened,” Winchester replied.

“And now they are going to come after us for killing their kind! Humans are pack creatures, just as we are. They are not going to stop until they find us and get their revenge now.” Aflenthia shook her head and gave Winchester a dirty look. The male just rolled his eyes and walked away, turning his back to her.

Aflenthia clenched her fists at the insult. They all knew that was what it was. It said that he did not see her as enough of a threat to keep his front towards her. That he was not worried about her coming at his back. That he believed her to be weaker than him. It was likely the case, too. Aflenthia was the youngest of them, and strength typically came with age.

“Well…we should…go find clothes.” Kaya shifted nervously. “Perhaps if we do that then the humans will not be able to give out accurate descriptions of us.”

Winchester turned towards Kaya and Xalyn, his lips thinned when he looked at the female, but he nodded.

“Where are we supposed to find human clothes? They are going to smell horrible.” Xalyn sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

“Does it really matter how they will smell? All that matters is that we get them. We can wash them right after, before we put them on.” Kaya shrugged and sniffed the air, turning slightly towards the left. “I can smell a large concentration of humans coming from that direction.”

“We should get going that way then,” Aflenthia said. She clasped her hands behind her back and began to walk in the direction that Kaya had indicated.

An hour later they came across a small farm with clothes hung out on a line. The scene was surreal. There was a field off to the side with several cows and goats, and horses in an adjoining field. Corn grew up in rows on the side of the farm house as well as other crops. It was a scene that was only ever seen with humans; one that was unheard of among their kind. It was bittersweet to Xalyn, something that he had wanted so badly when he had been young. Those days, however, were long past.

“We should get this over with,” Xalyn said, striding out from the trees and towards the clothes line. He did not smell any dogs or humans around. No one was home. Good. That meant that there was less of a chance that they would be caught stealing and they would not have to kill any more humans or explain why they needed the garments.

There was one thing that they had not thought of. They only one that any of the clothes would fit was Kaya. The rest were far too small for an of them. She was the smallest; shorter and more petite. She chose the clothes that she liked the most. A pair of strange, blue trousers and a black shirt with thin sleeves that bared her shoulders.

She moved off into the forest away from everyone so that she could change. She walked back not long after and Xalyn and Winchester’s eyes both widened. The clothing clung to every curve of her body, highlighting all of her best assets. Xalyn glanced to Aflenthia, briefly wondering how she would look in similar attire. He paused and shook his head. Where had that thought come from? Aflenthia was annoying and she was a disrespectful little bitch. There was no way that she would ever be as attractive as Kaya.

Kaya grimaced and pulled at the trousers. “These are so tight…how do humans function in these?”

Aflenthia walked over to her, her head cocked to the side. “They do appear to be rather tight. How will you be able to fight in those?”

“They stick in places that I feel fabric should never be able to get to. They are really comfortable though, and easy to move in.” Kaya demonstrated by stretching her legs out.

“Oh wow! I kind of want some. Maybe not some that are quite so tight though…” Aflenthia crossed her arms and a thoughtful look covered her features. “We are going to need to find clothes that will fit the rest of us. Not sure how though. Should not be too hard for me, but we cannot keep randomly searching human homes and hope that we find clothes that will fit us all.” She glanced towards the three men. “Especially not for them. They are huge! Most human men do not get as large as they.”

Kaya nodded, “This is very true. They are too bloody big.”

“Our size is just proof of how well we are able to protect ourselves and those that we are entrusted with,” Mamba said, giving her an unamused look.

“I think we should follow the road some more, just out of sight. Inside of the tree line so that we would not be seen by the humans riding in those contraptions,” Winchester said, “If we do that, we should find a village or something of the sort.”

Xalyn glared at all of them. How dare they just take charge without first asking his permission, or even asking his opinion on what they should do. He expected it of Winchester, his brother had always been that way. He had never cared about anyone else but himself. “Yes. We shall stay in the tree line and there will be a village that we will come across to acquire clothing for all of us.”

Several hours passed and they had yet to come across any other human dwelling. Several of the strange metal boxes had gone by, but that was it; including several that had the word ‘police’ written on the side that were going far slower than the others.

One was driving by now and it actually stopped on the side of the road. An older human got out and peered into the tree line, his face a mask of concentration. The wolves paused to watch him, curiosity getting the better of them. He looked straight at them and a look of relief covered his features.

“I know you guys are there. Come on out, I mean you no harm,” the man said. He did not shout or put his hands in a cone over his mouth, so they could hear him. He just spoke as though he was speaking to someone that was standing directly in front of him. That was strange. How did he know that he did not need to yell for them to be able to hear what he said?

“Hurt us? He thinks that he would be able to hurt us?” Xalyn snorted and stepped out of the tree line for that reason. He wanted to confront the human that believed he was a match for all of them.

“Who are you?” Xalyn asked when he was within hearing distance for the human. He stared down at the man with one brow arched.

“My name is Derrick. I’m assuming that y’all are lycanthropes?” Derrick said, smiling at them slightly.

Xalyn growled low, his eyes darting to the other wolves. “How do you know that term?”

“My wife was one of the Fae, she told me about you. You do not encounter many humans, do you? You killed three of my officers and now my whole department is looking for you.” Derrick sighed and put his weight onto his right leg, “I sent them in the wrong direction, but I have to say that I’m not particularly happy with you about it, either. They were some rather good friends of mine.”

“They threated us first,” Winchester said without a single ounce of remorse in his voice.

Derrick glanced at him and pursed his lips. “Where are you from?”

“We are from here, but not from here,” Kaya replied.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Derrick asked.

Kaya glanced over at Xalyn and he nodded, “We are not from this time. We were put into a deep sleep for over 1500 years.”

Derrick stared at the woman. It was hard to believe that they were from 1500 years in the past, but she spoke the truth. She did not expect him to believe her words, but he would have no choice but to believe her.

“You cannot honestly expect me to believe that, can you?” Derrick scoffed, shaking his head.

“It is true. I do not care if you choose to believe me or not. It does not change the facts,” Kaya said, propping her hands up on both of her hips.

“You actually believe all of this,” Derrick stroked the stubble on his face thoughtfully. “I know someone that should be able to help you. It will take her some time to get here though, she is at the very bottom of Lowrys and we’re at the top of Ifrea.” He pulled a small, rectangular object out of his pocket and tapped on it before putting it to his ear.

“Hey, Dally? Yeah, it’s Derrick. I got some wolves up here that you might be interested in talking to. They’re claiming they’re from 1500 years ago.” He paused and nodded, “I know it’s crazy, I’m just telling you what they’re saying. They’re all dressed weird but one of ‘em. Think you could get up here ASAP? Awesome, see you in a few days.” He tapped on the device after he pulled it from his ear and put it back in his pocket.

“She’ll be here in about two days.” He sighed and dragged his hand over his face. “I guess you can stay with me until she gets here.” He thinned his lips as he stared at them. “I only got two extra bedrooms, so some of you will have to sleep on the couch or the floor. Try to stay out of trouble while you’re with me.”

He walked towards the metal box that he had arrived in and opened one of the doors and turned. They had not moved from the spot that they were in. “Are you coming or not?”

This human wanted them to actually get…into that thing? Was this some kind of human trick?

“Come on guys, he seems trustworthy, and if he is not, then we will simply kill him.” Aflenthia shrugged and walked towards the thing, the others following hesitantly after her.

“One of you are gonna have to sit on someone else’s lap. You won’t all fit unless you do that. One of you can sit up front, and the other four will have to sit in the back,” Derrick told them.

“I can sit on Xalyn’s lap,” Kaya offered. Derrick nodded and they all got into the metal box. He shut the doors and then got into the remaining empty seat.

It was so strange on the inside. The seats were made of a soft fabric and it smelled of humans; which made sense considering the thing was owned by a human. Derrick had a sort of wheel in front of him and a stick was between he and Aflenthia; who had gone to the other front seat.

He turned something by the wheel and it roared to life. They all had wide eyes and held onto whatever was the closest to them.

“What is this thing? What sort of magic trickery is this?” Mamba demanded to know. His breathing had escalated, and he had gone pale.

“It’s a car. No magic trickery or anything like that. Just science. Not sure entirely on how they work, I just know that I put gas in it and it goes. If it breaks, I take it to someone that does know how it works and they fix it,” Derrick said. The box began to move, quickly gaining speed.

Xalyn began to feel nauseous almost immediately and he put his hand up to his mouth, clenching his jaw so that he would not vomit all over Kaya. He took steadying breaths in through his nose and out through his mouth.

“You okay back there?” Derrick asked, looking into the extremely clear mirror that was attached to the ceiling. Any of the women from their time would have killed to have a mirror like that one.

“I’m…fine.” Xalyn leaned his head back against the seat, closing his eyes.

Thirty minutes passed, and they were pulling up to a two-story house. It was made of brown bricks and had torches…with no fire. They all got out of the car, Xalyn a little more slowly than the rest. He stumbled a little when he got out and put his hand over his stomach.

“Are you alright?” Kaya asked him, rubbing his back.

“I am fine.” Xalyn dropped his hand and looked around. The houses that were on either side of Derrick’s abode were similar in appearance, except they were only one story instead of two.

They all went inside the house and Derrick lead them to his sitting room. They stat on long chairs that were vastly more comfortable than anything they had ever sat in before. Derrick informed them that the long chairs were called couches and were something most people had nowadays.

“How do your torches burn with no fire?” Winchester asked, staring at one that was sitting on a small table beside him. It had a white covering over it, dimming the light it would give otherwise.

“It’s called electricity. It’s energy that we learned how to control to give off light. Like how lightning will light up the night sky,” Derrick explained.

“You have learned how to control lightning?” Mamba asked, tilting his head to the side.

“Uhm…not exactly. Like I said, it’s an energy that is similar to lightning. It’s more like we learned how to make our own lightning.” Derrick shrugged and leaned back into his over-stuffed chair.

“I do not understand what you mean,” Mamba said, shaking his head. He did not ask any further questions. The answers would probably only confuse him more.

This whole era was so confusing. Perhaps if they had been alive during all of the discoveries it would be easier, but most of this had not even been thought of in their time. None of this made sense to any of them. Xalyn wanted to go home, back to his own time. He glanced up at the ceiling. They would need to find out how they were put into the sleep; find out if whoever put them there would be able to somehow send them back.

Derrick stood and walked out of the room, telling them that he would be back shortly after eyeing them all for several moments. He came back almost an hour later with bags filled with clothing. He handed them each their own bag and informed them of what each garment was called.

He had gotten similar clothes to what Kaya was wearing for Aflenthia, except her trousers…jeans…were black and her shirt a dark green. The males of the group were also given jeans and Mamba had a dark blue shirt, Winchester was given a black one, and Xalyn one that was white with black around the hems.

Several days passed with Derrick trying his best to answer all the questions they had, but he quickly became agitated with his inability to answer in a way that they could understand. They did not leave his home per his request for not only their safety, but for the safety of the humans they would undoubtedly encounter.

A knock came on the door not long after night fell on the third night of them staying in his home. Derrick glanced up from the book he had been reading and stood, taking off the glasses he wore and putting them on the table next to his chair. He vanished into the foyer and walked back in with a woman following behind him. She was taller than both Aflenthia and Kaya and her hair fell like a silver waterfall down her back to stop just above her buttocks. One of her eyes were a light green and the other violet. She had a scar that went down the left side of her face. She wore jeans that were cut off right below her butt and a dark brown tank top.

“Are these the wolves you spoke of?” She asked, staring at them.

“Yeah.” Derrick leaned against the door frame.

“They don’t look all that strange to me.” She glanced over at him.

“I gave them clothes. You should have seen what they had been wearing to begin with. It was like they stepped out of a renaissance festival or some shit.” Derrick shook his head.

“Aayadelle, this is Xalyn, Aflenthia, Mamba, Winchester, and Kaya.” He indicated each wolf in turn.

“Wait…are you sure those are their names?” She stared at them, her face a mix of awe and disbelief.

“That’s what they told me their names were. They’ve not given me a reason to believe otherwise. Why? Are those names strange?” Derrick asked her.

“They’re not so much strange as not used. Xalyn, Mamba, and Kaya are the ones that really stick out. I don’t know the names Winchester or Aflenthia. Xalyn and Kaya are the names of the last Lunar Pair to ever appear, 1500 years ago,” Aayadelle explained. “There hasn’t been another once since they disappeared. Mamba was a Lunar Companion for our goddess, Lasara.”

“Wait, what do you mean you do not know who I am? They wrote Mamba into the history books but not me? I am the ‘great king’s’ older brother. They did not make any mention of me at all?” Winchester asked, his brows furrowed.

“Xalyn had an older brother? That was never mentioned. Probably because I doubt you are who you guys say you are. Why use names that other wolves would recognize immediately? That doesn’t seem like a very smart thing to do,” Aayadelle said.

“We are using our own names. Must I prove to you that I am the Lunar King?” Xalyn asked her.

“Sure, if you think you can. Tell me to do something, if I do it, well then I suppose I don’t have any other chance but to believe you.” The woman smiled.

“Fine.” Xalyn took a deep breath, “Turn in four complete circles and then touch your toes.”

Aayadelle’s eyes widened as she did exactly as he had commanded her to do. She bowed low when she was done, “I apologize for my disrespect, Sire. You disappeared, another Lunar Pair has not been seen since you. Please understand my skepticism.”

Kaya smiled at the woman, “Of course, it is understandable. Thank you for coming all this way.”

“If you don’t mind my asking, where have you been for all these centuries? We all believe you to be dead.” Aayadelle asked. She stepped closer towards them.

“We were locked away, put into a deep sleep by something. We seem to have been awoken accidentally by some humans.” Aflenthia put her hand on Aayadelle’s shoulder.

“I see. If you would permit, I would like to take you to my pack. We will teach you the ways of the modern world.” She held her hand out to them.

“We accept your offer,” Xalyn said, taking her hand.

The ride was long, and not one that any of the wolves enjoyed at all. They did not like to be kept in such a small space, moving when they themselves were not making their bodies move. It was a strange feeling, and the entire way to Aayadelle’s pack’s territory Xalyn got motion sickness.

Two Years Later

Xalyn stretched and turned his face towards the sun, basking in its warm rays. He’d been in this new time for two years now, he still didn’t quite understand everything, but who would? There had been fifteen centuries of advancements and history that he was trying to catch up on. He had to admit though, there were some great conveniences. Lights for examples, and cars. Showers. Showers were amazing, he didn’t think he’d ever be able to take enough showers. The water pressure was absolutely divine, and being able to control the temperature of it? Whoever had thought of that idea was a pure genius. He chuckled and sat up. He’d been laying on a rock that was close to the main compound of Aayadelle’s pack.

It was absolutely ridiculous how much land her pack had; with no humans. They had bought the property and used it as their territory. They had near 3,000 acres and no humans were allowed on it? It was astounding. Why had their kind not thought of doing something like this before? It would have saved them so much grief with the humans.

Kaya walked into his field of vision, the sun making her hair glow with its light. She sat down on the rock next to him and leaned her head against his shoulder. “This place is wonderful, isn’t it? The time is amazing.”

“It is…I have been thinking though. I believe it’s about time that we took our leave of this place. We still have to deal with the Grand Council. I’m sure that they have not changed in the centuries that we’ve been gone. I wouldn’t doubt if they have not gotten worse with no one to keep them in check,” Xalyn said, resting his arms on his knees.

Kaya nodded, “I wouldn’t doubt it either. I will miss this place. Will the others be accompanying us?”

“The others? You mean Aflenthia, Mamba, and my brother?”

“Dally too if she wishes to join us. It may be good to have a Shaman on our side. She is quite powerful. She’s taught Ali a lot.”

“You may be right. I would rather not ask Mamba or Winchester though. They may have made up, but they still grate on my nerves. They think that because they’re elder relatives of mine that they can just boss me around. They don’t respect me at all.” Xalyn scowled at the thought.

Kaya rolled her eyes, “They’d be amazing back up. We can’t do this alone, even as the Lunar Pair. You know that just as well as I.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. We can do this, just you and I. Like it’s always been. Us against the world.”

Kaya sighed and shook her head, “We’ve never gone up against someone as strong as the Council though. What if they’re like Mamba and we can’t use our Mana against them? We’d be screwed if that happened.”

“You don’t think I can protect you?”

“I didn’t say that. I don’t need protecting Xalyn. I don’t wish to go on a suicide mission. If you refuse to go without back up, then you will have to go alone. I refuse to get myself killed when we could easily avoid it.”

“You refuse to go without others?” Xalyn furrowed his brows. She was defying him? Kaya never defied him. She always did as he asked her to without any complaints. He wasn’t going to lose her, he would make sure of it. “You’re going with me.” He put Mana behind his words instinctually. When he saw her body jerk and her eyes grow wide, his own did the same.

“Yes…I will go with you.” Kaya’s hands went over her mouth and she stared at him. Xalyn stared back, at a complete loss as to what to say to her. How had that worked on her? It shouldn’t have…not unless she wasn’t really the Lunar Queen. She’d lied to him? All these years she’d been lying to him about who she was?

“You…You aren’t the Lunar Queen? What the hell?” Xalyn growled, backing away from her. There was no way that she wouldn’t know that she was not the Lunar Queen. It wasn’t something that you wouldn’t just not notice.

“You used your Mana one me? Are you serious right now? What the fuck Xalyn? You thought that would be a good idea?” Kaya clenched her fists, her eyes showing a fire that Xalyn usually loved seeing in them.

“You betrayed me! You’ve lied to me! How could you? After all these years, how could you?” Xalyn brought his lips up into a snarl. His eyes stared at her with hurt shining bright in them.

“Betrayed you? Lied to you? I’ve done no such thing. I was told I was the Lunar Que-“ She paused before the last word escaped her lips. “I’m not the Lunar Queen. Oh gods…it…it explains so much…about everything. The Council lied to me.” She chuckled and shook her head. “Of course they did. Why am I surprised? After everything we’ve learned about them, of course they lied about this.”

Kaya shook her head and turned back towards Xalyn. “All of that is beside the point. You used your Mana on me.” She stalked over to him and pushed his chest. “You dared to use your Mana on me just because I refused to do what you wanted me to, because I refused to heel.”

“What did you expect me to do? You were abandoning me, you weren’t going to go with me! You didn’t give me a choice!” Xalyn’s voice cracked.

“No choice? No fucking choice? Are you kidding me? You always have a choice. You chose to do that. I’m done Xalyn. We are done. I’m not putting up with this shit anymore.” Kaya swiped her hand in front of her and turned on her heel, stalking away.

Xalyn stared after her, watching her walk away from he. She was actually leaving. Yeah, well good riddance. He didn’t need her. She was a lying tramp. He began to pace, running his hands through his hair over and over again.

If Kaya wasn’t the Lunar Queen, then who was? Mamba couldn’t be controlled by his Mana. He shook his head, banishing that thought from his mind. Mamba was male, there was no way he was the Lunar Queen.

What did it matter if he had a Queen? He didn’t need one. He was fine just by himself, just like he’d been for his entire life. He didn’t need anyone at all. He crossed his arms and stopped pacing, staring up at the sky.

There weren’t any clouds in the sky. It was such a beautiful blue, like the color of Kaya’s eyes. He scoffed and kicked at the ground. He wouldn’t think about her. She wasn’t worth it, not anymore.

Kaya stormed into the large compound that housed most of Aayadelle’s pack. She slammed the door behind her and sat down next to Aflenthia, a huff escaping from her. She was muttering to herself about something. Aflenthia glanced to Aayadelle and several of the other wolves that were in the dining room.

“Hey, are you alright Kaya? Did something happen?” Aflenthia asked. It was rare to see the woman in such a huff over something. She was usually extremely calm and hard to anger. Someone had to have seriously pissed her off.

“Oh, no. Nothing at all. Not like some jackass who thinks he’s better than everyone else actually used his fucking Mana on me! The fact that it worked is what pissed him off and dared to accuse me of being a liar. That that pissed him off, that was what he was worried about, not the fact that he actually tried to make me do what he wanted me to do. The nerve!” Kaya threw her hands up in the air.

Everyone stared at Kaya in shock. Kaya wasn’t the Lunar Queen? Is that what she was saying? How was that possible? If she wasn’t, then who was? What the hell had happened?

“Calm down Kaya tell me what happened.” Aflenthia put her hand on Kaya’s shoulder, sending soothing thoughts to the woman.

Kaya clenched her fist on the wooden table, cracking the oak where her finger tips were and took a deep breath. She told Aflenthia and all the other wolves in the room everything that had happened. When she finished, no one spoke. Aflenthia leaned against the back of her chair and chewed on her lip.

“I see. So you’re not the Lunar Queen, but you had no idea. You’d been told your whole life that you were.” Aflenthia played with a strand of her hair. “I don’t understand though. How could you not know? Have you never had to use your Mana on another Alpha?”

Kaya shook her head, “No. Xalyn was always with me when something like that was needed, so he always took care of it. I suppose that’s why the Council raised Xalyn to be like he is. They knew if they gave him a fake Queen he would never find out. He wouldn’t allow me to take control to show proof that I was authentic.”

“That makes sense. Who knows, maybe someone here is the real Lunar Queen!” Aflenthia laughed and grinned at her, nudging Kaya with her shoulder.

Kaya rolled her eyes, a smile finally forming on her face. “How do you always manage to make me feel better?”

“I don’t know, must be part of my charm,” Aflenthia said with a giggle.

“yeah, maybe so.” Kaya laid her head on the table with a sigh. “He’s so stupid. I can’t believe he did something like that.”

“He’s right though, about stopping the Council. He won’t be able to do it by himself, though. That’s just dumb. If he honestly thinks he can stop them all by his lonesome, he’s even more stupid that I originally thought,” Aayadelle said, stepping up to the table. She set down a plate of cookies that she’d just pulled from the oven.

“I know.” Kaya looked around at everyone that was in the room with them. “Where are Mamba and Winchester?”

“They went out for a hunt this morning before the sun was even up,” One of the men, Kalyx, said.

“Ah, okay.” Kaya smiled at Kalyx. The man turned a light shade of pink and turned away quickly, covering his face. Aayadelle smiled and winked at Kaya.

“Well, if you and Xalyn aren’t a think anymore, I think Kalyx would gladly take his place.”

Kalyx turned towards Aayadelle, his eyes wide, “Dally! I…I…” He glanced at Kaya, his face turning even redder.

Kaya fiddled with her fingers, glancing at Kalyx. “I think it’s a bit too soon to be putting myself out there. It’s only been like twenty minutes.”

“Right…see what you did Dally? You made her uncomfortable,” Kalyx said.

Dally grinned at Kalyn and then looked behind her as a tall man walked in. He had hair that was the same shade of Kaya’s and dark blue eyes. The sun had kissed his skin, and he had smiles lines surrounding his mouth and eyes.

“What’s this I hear about the Council? Are you finally ready to take them on?” He asked, and he stopped next to Aayadelle.

“Talyn.” The woman smiled and put her arm around his waist. Talyn was Aayadelle’s mate. Their twin sons were not far behind the male. Aflenthia still couldn’t tell the two apart, at least not until they opened their mouths. Cerwyn was shy, his voice timid and reserved. Teveryx was much more rambunctious and loud.

Comments & reviews · 2
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Mea
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Mea wrote a review Review · Jul 1, 2018

Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review this lovely review day! Apologies for not having read previous parts

First off, although you're not dividing this into chapters, and so posting every 10 pages is somewhat logical, part of the reason you're not getting a lot of reviews on this is because 10 pages at a time is a lot to read and review. In general, a good ballpark to aim for when it comes to posting parts of a story on YWS is to have each part be not too much longer than 2000 words. It's also broadly good to start and end each of the sections at something that could at least sort of be a stopping point rather than at the end of a random paragraph - maybe when the scene changes direction, if the scene is too long to go until the end of the scene.

On to the actual story! So, I think you have an interesting start here. Your characters are pretty clearly distinct from one another and they each seem to have their own goals and desires, so right off the bat I can tell your story is going somewhere.

The first thing I was confused by was that you refer to them as wolves, but they're currently in human form, I assume? It wasn't quite clear during the fight scene - I'd assumed they were in wolf form, because it seems a little unlikely to me that they could take on humans armed with guns when they're unarmed and in human form.

I really like how you go through the whole part when they're found by Derrick about explaining what a car is and what electricity is, and how they've missed a lot in the last 1500 years. I always think these sorts of situations are cool to read about when characters have traveled through time, and I always find it interesting to see how each character reacts to the marvelous advances.

I thought the "Two Years Later" break might feel a bit sudden and jarring to readers. Once we're 40 pages in, we're expecting to have settled into the current time frame of the story, not still be in the set-up stages, and so they won't take kindly to suddenly jumping to two years later. I'd recommend moving it to much closer to the beginning of the story.

I also kind of don't blame Kaya for dumping Xanlyn for trying to control her, though I think it's weird that Xanlyn also immediately dumps her, despite her not actually lying and realizing it was the council who was lying. Why doesn't he believe her? I also thought you could have slowed down a little and made the realization take longer, so it's more dramatic.

And that's all I've got for this! Good luck, and keep writing.

barefootrunner wrote a review Review · Jul 1, 2018

Hey Nafa! barefoot here with another review.

As always, please feel free to engage with me about any of my commentary! I'm not always right, and I'm not always soft with my critiques either, so please chat with me about anything.

I noticed that you're posting sections in terms of pages and not chapters. I think with the length of this story, I would like to see some splitting into chapters, especially with the time breaks we're seeing here. But this is all up to you! That's just my preference speaking.

I feel like up to this point, everything has been history and set-up for the rising action. And now something is happening. Folks are gearing up to confront this Council... because it's convenient and shouldn't be delayed. How much more interesting wouldn't it be if something spurred them into urgent action? Some horrible rumor reaches the pack that turns out to be true. Something upsets their beautiful balance and surroundings. Somebody dies. I'd like to see something that turns an inclination to act into a true drive. A want.

I want to add something here — the reader wouldn't feel particularly emotional if any of these characters died at this point. They don't have a close connection with any of them. They don't know them. They're not special to them. Your story needs more characterization. Fix this problem. Make your characters individualized. Make readers laugh about the way Kalyx tickles Aayadelle's neck and dances away when she tries to smack him (and then he sticks a finger in a pot and licks it, getting himself chased out for his mischief). Make them as surprised as the pack is when Tanlyn says something — he is usually so quiet. Have him look slightly embarrassed after speaking. Give them personalities that matter and direct their actions.

In terms of style, I'm seeing a tendency to be dialogue-heavy here. Dialogue is great, but I think you might have a bit much of it compared to other storytelling devices. I'd suggest that you add more of your characters' feelings, small physical tells and so forth in-between.

With plot, I have one big issue. So after two years of stability, when he thinks Kaya lied, Xanlyn just drops her. Instantly. Like, "Something happened that may mean that you lied to me, so now I'm angry, so now I'm dumping you." That's a bit... crazy? Overreacting? I get that he is like that, but if that's the way he acts, the relationship would never have lasted for two years. If he can break up with her INSTANTLY after one adverse event without exploring it fully and hearing both sides of the story, how on earth did it ever work? And after that long being attached to one person, surely he'd be feeling immense pain? But you've only described rage. (Even if the rage is a cover for the pain, perhaps hint towards that. Maybe later it could come back and bite him when the rage fades and all that pain is suddenly unleashed.) That scene does not make any sense. And Kaya should surely be feeling immense pain as well? I'm not sure you explored the emotions of that scene fully.

Also, watch out for time jumps over "boring" parts (like skipping those two days that would have been so cool to see in terms of exploring characters). It comes across as lazy and confusing! You could, perhaps, have skipped everything up to this point and started the story with upheaval leading to the pack having to deal with the Council. (Exciting stuff to draw in the reader!) The past can be explored in line with the present. Reminiscing, conversations, and small details can slowly reveal the mystery of their past in a way that keeps readers curious and hooked until all is revealed. Think Stormlight Archives. The characters' past secrets are more propelling than the future.

In any case, looking good otherwise! I like the argument (arguments are great), and the interaction in the kitchen.

Keep writing!

barefoot



Goos are anarchists.
— WeepingWisteria