z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Alpha - 3

by NafaKitty


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

“You are wrong; this is wrong. You killed innocent people for no reason. You killed a child Logan. You murdered a child.” Aflenthia growled, rubbing her arms.

Logan began to say something else but was stopped when Malcolm began to speak. “For the crimes that you have committed you are all sentenced to death as per the Five Laws.” He looked at all of the wolves, disappointment shining in his eyes.

He strode over to Logan and right before his hand would have entered Logan’s chest, Aflenthia grabbed his arm. “No! There has to be another way, anything else. Banish him, something. Do not kill him, please Uncle Malcolm.” She put herself between the two of them.

“No Aflenthia. I am sorry, but he has broken one of the Five Laws. The Council may be corrupt, but the Laws are there for good reason. He must die.” He stepped around her.

Logan took off at a run, into the trees. Xalyn watched him go. Of course the bastard would run. Idiot. Why not just let his death happen quick and easy, with what little honor he had left?

Xalyn ran off after him, ordering Kaya to stay put and watch Aflenthia. He did not trust her to come after him. He was going to kill this bastard finally. A huge smile covered his face. He was going to be able to tear his throat out without any ramifications holing him back.

He heard someone coming behind him, fast. He swerved to the left, but still he somehow hit the ground. His breath left him in a rush as his face collided with the ground. Mamba. That bastard’s scent hit him like a ton of rocks. He stood up, rubbing his nose. He felt liquid coming from his nostrils and he had no need to look at his hand. He could smell the metallic scent. His nose was more than likely broken.

“What…are you doing?” Xalyn asked, turning towards the other male. Mamba was crouched low to the ground, his eyes narrowed, and lips turned up into a snarl.

“What I have to.” Xalyn barely got out of the way as Mamba lunged at him. The man whipped around, faster than any man his size has a right to do, and grabbed Xalyn by the throat, slamming him into the ground.

Xalyn managed to get both of his legs underneath Mamba and pushed up with as much force as he could muster. Mamba went flying off, only to land on upright several feet away.

The two men ran at each other, grappling. Each tried to get the upper hand above the other, but both were extremely skilled in hand-to-hand combat.

Mamba fought dirty, though. He dropped to the ground, allowing Xalyn’s momentum from trying to push the other male over to make him topple over. Mamba stood quickly, throwing Xalyn completely over his shoulder.

Xalyn landed with a loud thud and before he was able to respond Mamba had him in a choke hold. Xalyn struggled against the male, trying desperately to break free. He could feel himself growing weaker and before he knew it darkness overwhelmed his vision.

He had no idea how long he was out; it could have been five minutes or five hours. He tried to stand and was caught by something. He tugged his arms, only to have them refuse to move. The rope was extremely thick. At least that meant that whoever had tied him up respected his strength.

Shit. Mamba. Mamba had to have been the one to do all of this. How had he beaten him like that? Xalyn had been trained his entire life by the most elite fighters of their kind. How the hell had Mamba done that to him?

Mamba stepped out from behind the tree he was tied to, a huge smile on his face.

“Finally awake, are you?” the male asked, putting his hands on his hips.

“What in the hell was that about? You dare to prevent me from upholding one of the Five Laws? You will pay dearly for hindering me in my job,” Xalyn growled.

“He did it because I asked him to,” Aflenthia said, walking from the same direction that Mamba had. She was covered in blood. Scrapes covered her body, bruises beginning to form as well.

Her arms were wrapped around her body, her eyes glued to the ground. Her entire body trembled slightly. She kept walking after she spoke, heading straight to where they had left the other wolves.

She had killed Logan. There was no other explanation for her behavior. She had actually done it. Huh, go figure. Maybe she was stronger than he’d originally thought.

Mamba leaned down and untied the bindings that held Xalyn. The King stood, rubbing his arms where the rope had rubbed the skin raw. The two males glanced at each other and stared before following after her.

Aflenthia had stopped between two trees, Xalyn moved around her and stopped as well. A woman was standing in the middle of the other wolves; all of which were kneeling around her. Her skin was alabaster with obsidian hair that fell in ringlets around her body to her knees.

Mamba froze when he saw her and immediately dropped to his knee, his hand over his heart. “Lady Lasara,” He mumbled.

Xalyn stared down at Mamba and then back to the woman. Lasara? Was Mamba being serious? This was their goddess, their creator? Why was she here? What did she want?

She turned towards them and her eyes stole his breath. They were not beautiful, not in a traditional sense. They were completely black with little white dots all throughout, as though one was looking at the night sky in her eyes.

Lasara walked over to him and placed a hand on his face, smiling softly. She looked over at Mamba and her smile turned into a large grin. She walked over to him quickly, grabbing his arm and pulling him up. She wrapped her arms around him and he picked her up, tightening his own around her.

“Mamba! It has been too long! I have missed you so much!” She kissed his cheek and he set her down gently.

“Yes it has, why are you here, my lady?” He asked her.

Lasara smiled at him. “I have missed you! I also wished to speak with my Lunar King and Queen. I like to get to know them best whenever a new pair shows up.” She turned towards Xalyn. “I have not seen either of you since you were but a few months old. You have grown much in these few short years.”

“You wanted to meet Kaya and I?” Xalyn asked, brows furrowed.

A confused look flashed over her face for a such a brief moment Xalyn was not even sure that it was what he saw. “Kaya? Is that what they decided to name her? When I last saw her, her parents had yet to decide on a name. It is a beautiful name,” She said.

She frowned and turned towards Aflenthia. She sighed, and pity covered her features. She walked over to the young woman. Lasara pulled her into a tight embrace, rubbing her back gently. Aflenthia blinked and looked at the taller woman.

“Lady Lasara, I apologize for not being in a proper state to meet you.” She bowed her head slightly.

“It is understandable with what you just went through.” Lasara waved her hand over Aflenthia’s body. All the blood and injuries vanished. “You did what you needed to do. Logan would have exposed all of you to the Humans and that is something I would never allow. If you had not done so, I would have.

“He was my friend. He was my best friend…” Aflenthia shook her head and tears entered her eyes.

“I know. If you like, I could erase him from you mind. You will not remember him at all. I, myself, cannot do it, but I know someone that would be able to,” Lasara said, stepping away from Aflenthia.

“No. I do not wish to forget him. I learned a lesson today, a valuable one. If I forget him I will not be able to grow as an Alpha.”

Lasara smiled, pride shining in her eyes. “That is a good answer.” She looked over at Xalyn and her lips thinned. “Speaking of becoming a good leader. What is with your behavior here lately? You cannot act like a small child and throw tantrums when you do not get what you want. You are the Lunar King, perhaps you should begin acting like it, no?”

“What? Small child? What are you talking about? I have not been acting like a small child.” Xalyn frowned and ran his hand through his hair.

“No? You act out when you do not get your way, even if it is in your head that you do so.” Lasara arched a brow at him.

“You mean when they are disrespectful? I am the Lunar King! You said so yourself that you chose me. They should bow, and respect should be given to me because of that,” Xalyn said.

“Yes, I chose you. I chose you because I know that you have the potential to become a good king. That will not happen if you continue to act the way that you have been.” Lasara shook her head, “Respect is something that must be earned. You have not earned it from anyone here. You may be my chosen, but that does not mean respect must be automatically given. You are not entitled to it or their time. You must first earn it.”

Xalyn started to say something but stopped. Did he dare to argue with her, knowing who, what, she was? He had no idea what to say, and when he started to he was stopped by the sorrow that came over her features. She walked over to him and placed her hand on his shoulder. A warm peace swept through him. Her gaze was like the moon that he had gazed upon for some many nights before, her touch like the heat of a star.

“I will cherish this time that I have had with all of you for a long time. It will be quite some time before we see each other again.”

“…What? What do you-“

She closed her eyes and pressed her lips to his forehead.

Xalyn’s vision grew fuzzy and nausea swam through his head. All the colors around him started to swim together into one. All the figures around him melted into the background.

“He’s falling!” Xalyn could not tell who spoke, and he was out before he hit the ground.

1,515 Years, 2 Months, and 3 Days Later

“Dudes! Look at this shit!” The teenager slid over a rock in the cave that he and several of his friends had found. It was so cold, which was seriously strange considering they were in one of the hottest places in the world. It was cold enough that they could see their breath.

He looked around at these strange formations. They weren’t natural, there was no way in hell they were natural. The cavern they had found couldn’t be natural either. It was too perfect. Everything was set perfectly.

“Are those tombs?” The only female of the teenagers asked. She placed her hand on one of the formations and quickly drew her hand away, swearing under her breath. She shook her hand and looked at her palm, it having turned an angry red.

“I think so, but why would they be here? This isn’t some super religious place, or really anywhere important. It’s just some random ass cave.” The first teenager said.

“We should open them,” The girl said.

“Open them? How do you propose we do that? Look what it did to your hand just from touching it. It pretty much gave you frost bite, Clarissa,” said the boy to her left.

“I don’t know Chuck, we can go get some crowbars or something.” Clarissa rolled her eyes.

“My dad has a flamethrower,” one of the teenagers stated. The other three stared at him as though he just grew a second head.

“Why the fuck does your dad have a flamethrower?” Chuck asked.

The boy shrugged, “He has all sorts of things that he really shouldn’t have. He’s a bit of a conspiracy theorist. I bet we could burn the ice off with it though.”

“Alright, well let’s go steal it and bring it back then,” Clarissa said.

“NO need,” he said as he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. “Hey, Dad, you know that cave I told you about that me, Clarissa, and Chuck, and Davis told you about? Yeah, we found something weird, can you bring your flamethrower?” He nodded a few times, “Alright, awesome. See you in like fifteen minutes? Great.” He hung up his phone.

The boy’s dad showed up ten minutes later and brought the flamethrower into the cavern, swearing loudly as he banged his knee on a rock. “Dammit Matthew. You could have warned me there’d be rocks.” He stopped when he got into the cavern and looked around. “Holy shit. You weren’t kidding when you said you found something weird. The hell are they, tombs?”

“We have no idea, that’s why we wanted to open them.” Matthew smiled and walked over to the nearest one. It had strange writing that he couldn’t read. They all had the same exact type of lettering on them, but different. They had to be super old.

“Well, let’s get this show on the road then.” Matthew’s father grinned and held up the flamethrower.

“Dude! Your dad is fucking awesome!” Davis said, clapping Matthew on the back.

The older man walked over to the one that had almost given Clarissa frost bite and activated the flame thrower. It took several moments but the ice began to drip off and soon all of it was gone. He shut the flamethrower off and set it aside.

“Matt, help me out here.” He grabbed one side of the lid and his son grabbed the other, they strained against the weight and finally pushed it off.

“What the fuck…” there was a girl. She had pale blonde hair and her open eyes were sky blue.

“Dude look at her rack. She’s got bigger boobs than Clarissa’s mom.” Davis started to laugh but stopped when the girl punched him in the arm.

“How is she so perfectly preserved?” Clarissa asked, touching the glass gently. “The ice isn’t even cold, and it’s…pulsing.” She glanced over at the men, confused.

Matt’s father touched the ice as well. “She’s right. It’s pulsing, like a heartbeat.” He placed pressure on the ice and it cracked. He pushed harder and more cracks appeared and then suddenly the whole damn thing shattered. He caught the girl as she fell from the tomb and took several steps backwards. “Holy shit this broad his heavy for someone so petite.”

“H…Hey, who are you calling heavy? Do you know how extremely rude that is?” The woman asked, she gathered herself and stepped away from the older male. She glanced around at them all, disgust covering her features. “Who are you? What is this place?” She put her hand to her head.

“Uhm…you were just encased in ice, how’re you walking around, talking?” Davis asked, taking a step away from the female.

She stared at him, a blank look on her face. “What do you mean? ‘How’re’ I do not understand that word.” She looked around at the other caskets, her face a mask of wonder. “We are all here. Xalyn, Aflenthia, Mamba…” She paused at the fifth tomb, “Who is Winchester?”

“You don’t know what ‘how’re’ is? Lady where are you from?” Matthew asked her.

“I am from here.” She tilted her head at him. “What is ‘don’t’?”

“Lady, how long have you been locked in that box?” Clarissa asked. This was super bloody weird. How was this chick alive? Who was she? Hell, what was she? This was not normal at all.

“Don’t…Do you not know what contractions are? How’re means how are and don’t is do not,” Chuck told her, keeping a good distance between himself and the woman.

“Contractions? Of course I know what they are. They are part of labor for a female.” The woman ran her hand along one of the tombs.

“The fuck? How is that not hurting your hand?” Clarissa asked, holding her own to her chest.

“Why would it injure me?” the woman asked.

“Never…never mind.” Clarissa shook her head.

“What’s your name?” Matthew’s father asked.

“Kaya. Whatever you did to get me out of there, can you do it to the others as well?”

“Why? Why should we do that? We don’t even know who you are…what you are for that matter.” Matthew’s father shook his head.

“You know who I am. I just informed you that my name was Kaya.” She chewed on her lip.

“Yeah, you told us your name, but that’s…that is it.” Matthew said. “How do we know you are not some weird ass serial killer or something?”

“What is a serial killer?”

The five humans all glanced at each other and sighed.

“A serial killer is someone that has killed a whole bunch of people,” Davis said.

“How long have you been stuck in there?” Clarissa asked her.

“I do not know. Not too terribly long I would assume. It was the year 501 last I remember.” Kaya shrugged.

They all stared at her in shock. “There is no way in hell you’re being serious. That’s impossible. 501?” Davis shook his head, “That was over 1500 years ago. It’s just not possible.”

“I don’t know, look at how she’s dressed. I think she’s telling the truth. Look at how she was talking too, and she doesn’t know about contractions or serial killers. I mean, the use of contractions as we know them today didn’t really start until the 1800’s and the term ‘serial killer’ wasn’t coined until the ‘70s,” Clarissa said, pushing her glasses higher on her nose.

“You’re such a dork…why do you even know that?” Davis rolled his eyes.

“The 1800s? I cannot have been asleep for 1500 years, it’s not possible. What year is it?” Kaya asked.

“It’s 2016, welcome to the future,” Matthew’s father said, picking up his flamethrower.

She sniffed the air and crinkled her nose, “What is that horrible smell?” Her eyes narrowed in on the flame thrower. “It is coming from that…thing.”

Matthew’s father didn’t pay her any attention and just gestured for his son to help with the rest of the lids. Shit, why not help the broad? She seemed decent, just extremely confused. There was a possibility that these people weren’t even alive, and she was just miraculously lucky.

The woman practically ran over to the box that was next to hers and placed her hand on it. “Xalyn…”

“Xalyn? That’s a weird ass name.” Chuck laughed and shook his head. He walked to one of the boxes as Matthew and his father took the lid off. It had a woman with beautiful, black hair and eyes that were two different colors.

“Dudes look at this chick. Her rack is gigantic. She got freaky eyes though.” Chuck grinned at the other males.

“Show some respect,” Clarissa said, slapping Chuck on the arm.

“I’m not so sure about letting the rest of these guys out…” Matthew said, staring at the men that were there. They were absolutely huge and all of them had some nasty look scars. They looked dangerous and not friendly at all.

“No! You have to let them out!” Kaya hit the thin layer of ice that covered Xalyn and it shattered almost instantly. All of the humans stared at her with their mouths dropped. She had just shattered that…in one hit. It had taken them a few good hits to do it. The fuck was this girl?

The male fell out and Matthew’s father managed to catch him…sort of. He fell with the weight of the man. “Holy shit, this guy is heavy. Wake the fuck up and get the hell off of me!”

Xalyn blinked his eyes and looked down at the human he was on top of. “What in the…why is there a human beneath me?” He scowled and got up, moving away to stand next to Kaya. She had gone to two of the other boxes and let them out as well. They had not been caught by any of the other humans.

Mamba walked over to the fifth block and stared at the being inside with wide eyes. It was a large grey wolf with a black face. It was curled into a circle at the base of the box. “Winchester?”

Xalyn’s head spun around when he heard the name. Winchester? There was just no fucking way. He strode over to where Mamba is. It was Winchester. His brother, his older brother. The hell was he doing here?

“Kaya what is going on here?” Aflenthia asked, putting her hands on her hips.

“I honestly am not entirely sure.” She gestured towards the humans, “They are claiming that we are 1500 years in the future. They say that it is the year 2016.”

Xalyn glanced back at her, his eyes wide at her words at the same moment that Mamba hit the covering of ice that encased Winchester. It shattered as the others had, only he did not fall out of the box as the others. He just lay there and slowly his large head lifted and looked around. His ears flattened against his head and he let out a low growl.

“Winchester?” Xalyn pushed past Mamba and knelt down next to the dark wolf.

The wolf pricked his ears forward and tilted his head to the side. He whimpered softly and stood up, walking towards Xalyn. He sniffed the male’s hand and then licked it. Winchester glanced at the humans and then back at Xalyn, whimpering louder.

“What in the fuck is that? Why the fuck is that wolf so fucking big? Holy shit.” The female human moved so that she was standing behind the males that were with her. Xalyn turned so that he was facing them and crossed his arms, regarding them warily.

It would not be good for Winchester to Change with them here. It was not likely that others of their kind would believe them, but on the off chance that one did that had even a modicum of power…it could spell disaster.

Aflenthia walked over to the humans and put her hand against the temple of the older human male. He fell like a box of rocks. He was still alive, Xalyn could hear him breathing. How the hell had the female done that? All she had done was touch him.

The younger humans all jumped away from Aflenthia, scrambling over each other to get away except for one. This one looked similar to the older male, and they had a similar scent. He was trying to drag the male out of the cave with him, only to have the other humans grab him and pull him away, leaving the boy’s relative behind. They could hear him screaming about leaving his father behind for several moments before the wolves heard a thud and he was silent.

Winchester walked over to the unconscious human and sniffed his body. He Changed moments later, satisfied that the man would not see what he was doing. He turned towards the others and propped his hands up on his bare hips. He cast his gaze around until it landed on Kaya and his eyes grew wide.

“Shara?” He took several steps towards Kaya, his hand outstretched. “You are alive? How…How is this possible?”

Xalyn stepped between Winchester and Kaya, glowering at his brother. “Who the hell is Shara?”

Winchester paused and looked at Xalyn with tears glistening in his cobalt eyes. “She is Shara…you cannot deny it. She looks like her…she has the same scent as Shara. It is her. I can tell!”

“You are mistaken, my name is Kaya. I have never heard of a Shara. Xalyn, who is this?” Kaya grabbed Xalyn’s arm and frowned at the other male.

“This is Winchester, my older brother.”

“You have an older brother? You never told me that.” Kaya glanced at Winchester warily.

Winchester did not say anything, not until he saw Mamba and it registered in his mind that he recognized the male, and who he was.

“You! You bastayrd!” He went off in Xalyn’s native language for several minutes. After he was done he stalked up to Mamba and punched him in the jaw. The male staggered backwards and held his hand to his face.

“The hell Winchester? What was that for?” He asked.

“For leaving when we needed you. When Shara needed you. You abandoned us. You abandoned your daughter,” Winchester snarled.

“My daughter? What are you talking about? I do not have a daughter, I have no idea what you speak of. I had to leave. Lasara chose me to be a Comphayrty.” Mamba shook his head.

“You do not have a daughter? How dare you. How dare you forget my Mate,” Winchester growled, clenching his fists.

“Hold on, how exactly do the two of you know each other?” Aflenthia asked them, tilting her head to the side, and rubbing both of her arms.

“Of course we know each other. Mamba is mine and Xalyn’s uncle,” Winchester explained, glaring at the male.

“Your uncle? But, you just said that your Mate was his daughter? Your Mate was your cousin?” Aflenthia stared at Winchester, unsure as to whether she wanted to be disgusted or not.

“What? No. Not biologically. She was his adopted daughter. We were not related at all.” Winchester rolled his eyes at Aflenthia.

“Uncle? I do not have an uncle. What are you talking about?” Xalyn glanced between the two males. It would explain why Mamba looked so much like him. He had just thought it was because they were from the same territory. It was not unheard of for something like that to happen.

“He is the brother of our father. What do you think I mean? There are not many definitions for Uncle.” Winchester rolled his eyes. “You would not know him due to the fact that our Father banished him from our home and refused to speak of him. He returned after our father and mother died.”

“Right…okay then.” Xalyn glanced around the cavern. “Where are we?”

“I think the more appropriate question would be ‘when’.” Kaya said. “According to those humans from before it is the year 2016. We apparently have been locked in those boxes for over 1500 years.”

“What? How in the hell…” Aflenthia sniffed the air and scrunched her face. “What is that horrid smell?” She walked out of the cave and looked around. The trees were thin, not very old at all, and they were in perfect rows. This forest…it was not natural. She covered her nose and tried not to gag. “Dear gods, it reeks here.”

The others followed her out and all had similar reactions. A loud rumbling sound came from in front of them. They all glanced at each other and headed towards the sound. Curiosity getting the best of them.

The came across what was obviously a road, but a type that they had never seen before. It was a black substance with white and yellow lines. Another rumbling sound came from their right and a few minutes later a huge contraption that reeked of tainted smoke came roaring down the road. The thing was bright red and huge. A large, shiny silver pipe was on the back with billows of black smoke coming from the top.

“What…is that thing? Oh gods, the smell.” This time Aflenthia was not able to keep from gagging.

“I…do not know. We need to find others of our kind. Figure out what all this is…how we got here…how to survive here…in this new time,” Aflenthia said with the others agreeing with her readily.

It had been 1500 years since they were put into…well, whatever it was that they were put into. Everybody they knew would be dead by now. No one would know who they were…who he was. Xalyn frowned, there would be no one that would realize he was the Lunar King except those that were with him.

“Those humans from before were wearing strange garments. It is likely that that was the dress of this era. We will be the ones that are dressed strangely to anyone we may come across.” Mamba paused and looked down the road as a smaller, dark-blue contraption went by. It did not make nearly as much noise as the previous one had, and it did not smell as bad either.

“We need to change into something less conspicuous,” Winchester said. He ran his hand through his hair and looked around. He took a few steps closer to the strange road. Yet another loud rumbling came, this one sounding more like a purr than the others. It came from the left and a bright green thing flew by them, causing a large draft to hit all the wolves.

“Wait, before we go anywhere. I have a few questions for Aflenthia,” Xalyn declared, turning towards the female. “How did you do that to the human? That is something a Shaman would only be able to do. You are no Shaman, you are an Alpha. You cannot be a Shaman.”

Aflenthia pursed her lips and glanced towards Mamba. “Except that I am a Shaman. I know it is strange, and completely unheard of, but it is true. It is why my eyes are two different colors. I do not know why I am like this, I just know I am. I was born this way according to my Uncle.”

“She’s right. I can vouch for her being a Shaman, I have seen her do things that only a Shaman would be able to do. I do not understand it either,” Mamba said, stepping closer to Aflenthia.

“That does not make any sense. Why are you so special that you get to be a Shaman and an Alpha?” Kaya asked.

“I do not know. I can only hope that there is a reason that Lady Lasara decided to do this to me. Trust me, it has not been fun at all. It as been a huge pain.” Aflenthia shook her head. “Can we go now?”

“Fine,” Xalyn said. He turned to walk away only to freeze when a loud screeching sound filled his ears. It had all of the other wolves covering their ears and dropping to the ground in pain. Three of the metal contraptions came to a sudden stop on the road in front of them. They were black and white with words on the side claiming they were something called ‘police’. They had lights on top that rotated and flashed red and blue.

Humans got out of the metal boxes but only one of them spoke. They all had their hands resting on small metal objects strapped to their waists. “What are y’all up to out here? You needing a ride?”

Xalyn narrowed his eyes at the human. The way he spoke was strange. What was a y’all? What were police? He had so many questions and was not sure on exactly how to get the answers to them. What were those things the humans got out of? Some strange carriage that did not need horses to move? A boat that was able to move on land? A land boat?

“We are fine and are not in need of your assistance, thank you for your concern,” Kaya said. She smiled at them and turned to walk back into the forest.

“Halt!” One of the humans shouted. Kaya paused and glanced back at them, rolling her eyes. Xalyn narrowed his eyes and began walking, as did the others; ignoring what the humans had commanded them to do.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
304 Reviews


Points: 22897
Reviews: 304

Donate
Sun Jul 01, 2018 6:01 pm
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hey there!

barefoot here with a review for you on this lovely review day. Please feel free to chat with me about any of my commentary.

Let's start by saying I really enjoyed the read! Kudos for writing something with a good length to it, and with what feels to me like a coherent sense of where it is going. Your spelling and grammar were also good (just a few small errors).

I have not read the previous chapters, so I can't give a review based on plot arc. I'm instead going to focus on character development (since you have a ton of those) and working on your scenes in terms of pace, style, setting, etc.

So let's get into the characters. There are a lot of them. That's okay, though, especially since we're at chapter 3 and I'm sure you've introduced them steadily throughout the preceding chapters. Right now, though, I have one major critique of your characterization: the characters don't exemplify themselves. They are, in this chapter, acting as vehicles of your plot. There is little focus on what makes Aflenthia, Aflenthia; or what unique character traits distinguish Mamba from Winchester, for example. Find a way of working their personalities into the plot. Else readers don't end up caring about them and the plot is meaningless. This issue with lack of strong characterization bleeds through into your writing style, making it very tell-ish. (Remember to show, not tell.) Here's an example:

He strode over to Logan and right before his hand would have entered Logan’s chest, Aflenthia grabbed his arm. “No! There has to be another way, anything else. Banish him, something. Do not kill him, please Uncle Malcolm.” She put herself between the two of them.


(Firstly, remember that all dialogue goes on a new line. You usually get that detail right, though.)
In this snippet, the use of dialogue is good, and the interaction has the potential to reveal a lot about the characters. In this case, though, it's rendered dry because the intimate details you need to share to bring things alive are lacking. You could be sharing Aflenthia's inner battle between her sense of justice and her loyalty to Logan, as Malcolm strides over to kill him. You could be sharing her anxiety about challenging her uncle, or perhaps a wild, defiant feeling that makes her feel so alive. Maybe she feels breathless. Maybe she tries to look brave but is unable to make eye contact and licks her lips instead. Any of these things would reveal the inner Aflenthia, that something that readers see in themselves and make them love the character. Characterization is so important, and this story is just set up for it perfectly. Make it happen!

So, in terms of pace, you shoot very quickly from one thing to another here, and it feels a bit hyperactive. However, at the same time, it feels like little is happening, as there is, in this chapter, not much directional force. What I mean is, there is no sense of what the characters want. Harry Potter wants the end of dark magic. Elizabeth Bennet wants a happy marriage. Frodo Baggins wants to destroy the Ring. There is a massive pushing force that drives the plot forward. At this point in your story, it has yet to be introduced, so the exciting action that happens (folks getting killed, knocked down and tied up, resurrected in the future etc.) doesn't give the reader as big a kick as it should. So, maybe slow it down a little and focus on how events impact characters' goals and personalities.

In terms of style, I think it's very much linked to character building. I have no big critiques on your overall style; you're doing pretty well there! (Sometimes, though, I'd like a bit more description. What is the overall look of the werewolves to the teenagers when they find them; how do their clothes make them stand out?)

In terms of description of setting, you can use characters as vehicles to describe it. If it's hot, show a drop of sweat rolling down the nape of someone's neck. If it's cold, show their breath misting. Have a dreamer comment on an eerie feeling and a sensible person dismiss it as the smell of moss. Small details reveal the most.

One more thing! The wolves use contractions when they speak, even though Kaya professes that she doesn't understand them. And, to be honest, English in the year 500 would not be understood by modern speakers at all. Think raw Shakespeare to the factor of ten. Completely different languages.

I'm interested to see what happens next!

As I said, don't hesitate to contact me about any comments I made. Hope all this made sense and was not too harsh, because I really do think it was a nice piece <3

Keep writing!

barefoot




User avatar
54 Reviews


Points: 3205
Reviews: 54

Donate
Wed Jun 13, 2018 5:30 pm
shaniac wrote a review...



Hello, shaniac here to review your piece!

You mentioned to me that I should try my hand at reviewing the rest of the pieces, so I am! In the next two days, expect a review from me on the other parts of this ongoing novel. Last time we left off, there was a standoff between Logan and everyone else, which was kind of a nice place to leave off and you transition nicely into the next part. The fight between Logan and the rest of the gang is kind of making me feel slightly bad for Logan, in the sense that one of the friends (being Alfenthia) has to watch him go through the pain of being punished by death. Then he just decides to run off, which makes sense but also he should just accept the fate of being killed off.

Logan took off at a run, into the trees.


This sentence is a bit awkward in terms of wording. What I think you meant was "Logan took off running into the trees" because "at a run" is a bit of a wonky chunk of that sentence.

without any ramifications holing him back.


'holing' should be 'holding' also, can I just say how crazy Xalyn is? I mean, I kind of understand why he would want to kill Logan but at the same time? He has a bit of anger problem and a thrill of cutting people's throats. Also, is he back to being a werewolf or is he chasing Logan as a human? I feel that running through the woods as a human would be extremely tiring unless he has some strong lungs and the ability to jump over each of the logs that may be presented in his way.

I kind of expected Aflenthia to kill Logan, partly because it seemed like the best course of action. But then, I have this other thought that maybe she didn't kill him and got to run away freely.

Lasara walked over to him and placed a hand on his face, smiling softly.


Who did she walk over to? I'm guessing Xayln but to avoid confusion for those that are reading later, you may want to put his name in place of 'him'. You don't want to continuously use pronouns when there are two people in the same room unless there is a need to do so.

When Lasara meets the three, I kind of want a background as to how the Lady knows Mamba. The backstory could bring out the characters and with a backstory, someone who is reading this could pick up on the small things of past events that led up to now. Kind of like a preview of how they came to be friends or something. Also, does Lasara know everything that has happened? I kind of understand that she might but it would be interesting to hint at it if she did have that ability.

I know that I mentioned this before but I'd like to have some description of how the characters talked, that way whoever is reading this can have a better image of how their tones are. In the same vein, what do the characters look like? Even though you might've addressed it in past chapters, I do think a little refresher might help the reader. Also, I'm starting to like Lasara partly because she called Xalyn out for his behavior in the previous chapters. :P

The transition into the future is a bit of a shaking one. Not only do we not know what happened to Xalyn and why he fell, but you start off with teenagers exploring a cave. It's kind of an interesting and I'm guessing the previous chapters were leading up to this moment. I'm wondering the motive of Lasara and why she even did it in the first place. I think you could hint at it slightly to help someone reading this.

It was so cold, which was seriously strange considering they were in one of the hottest places in the world.


I do like this description but when you say one of the hottest places in the world, my brain instantly goes to a desert or something, and I don't think there are caves within the desert. Perhaps you could just say 'one of the hottest places during the summer' as that could refer to the temperature.

I like how realistic these teenagers are with figuring out how to open these tombs. :P In my opinion, if I came across the tombs, I would snap a few pictures then get out of there because it was so cold. Then again, I'm not much of an adventuring type. Also, I feel like the dad, while a conspiracy theorist, might question his son's intentions just a little bit.

The interactions between the lady and the teenagers is probably the funniest part of this chapter. It also shows how old the lady is and how annoying it will be for her to get used to the new era that she finally woke up in. I'm kind of curious as to why Winchester is there when he hasn't appeared in the chapters I've read. There probably will be a bit of a problem with him later on as Xayln seems confused and definitely scared of what Winchester has in store.

The sudden punch from Winchester is kind of slow. By that I mean, it doesn't have any build up to it but instead, he goes up to Mamba and punches him. I feel like he would at least say something along the lines of what you had afterward. Then soon after, he starts talking about random things that don't exactly make sense to the rest of the people and it is kind of making me think that maybe Winchester is from a different time.

To cap, this was definitely an interesting chapter. There are a lot of questions up in the air as to why they are in 2016 and if Lasara is behind it. Also, I am looking forward to what will be happening in later chapters. I suggest working on when a character speaks, give them a bit of personality for those that reading and give some descriptions about the characters. Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!





"Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein