Autumn held the forest below deep within its clutched, painting the leaves in reds, yellows, and oranges. Xalyn paused on the cliff to stare down at the scene, gaps in the trees giving him small glimpses to the ground. His prey had gone into the forest, it would not be too much longer until he caught up with it, if he so chose.
Branches rustled behind him as his partner, Kaya, walked over to him. Twigs clung desperately to her clothes only to be brushed away in a moment.
She pursed her lips and sighed, “She is always just one step ahead of us. I do not understand.”
“One step ahead? That is quite the jest. I have yet to truly get serious in our pursuit. I happen to be enjoying our vacation.”
“Vacation, what do you mean?”
“Are you saying you are not having a grand time? I am having quite the enjoyable time. We have not been able to be away from the Council for this long in some time now,” He said, wrapping his arm around her shoulders.
Kaya leaned into him and sighed, “Xalyn, we are on a job. It has already been a month. I do believe your ‘vacation’ has gone on long enough.”
“I disagree. Those bastards can wait a little longer. There is no way she will be able to execute her plan, anyways. She is only a female.” He shrugged and tightened his grip on her shoulder.
Kaya tried to pull away but was unable to do so and just glared up at him instead. “What exactly do you mean by that? Only a female? What does her gender have to do with anything at all?” Kaya asked.
“Everything. We all know females are not as good at things like this as males, especially against me. A man would be unable to outsmart me, let alone a woman.” He laughed.
Kaya rolled her eyes and pulled away from him, taking off the satchel attached to her belt. She closed her eyes and let out a breath through her nose. She took off the clothes that adorned her body and dropped them to the ground. The muscles rippled beneath her skin as they moved and realigned. She let out a soft moan and dropped to one knee. Short bursts of breath escaped as she dropped to her hands and knees, her back arching. Her tail bone grew longer. Her fingernails grew thicker and more elongated, her hands larger. She whimpered as her teeth bit into her lower lip as they became sharper and more curved. Her face contorted as new muscles and bones grew, and others disappeared to form a long snout. She let out a short scream and rose onto her knees as dark gray fur erupted from her skin. When she landed back on the ground, she was a large wolf.
Xalyn picked up the bag that had dropped from her hands and put her clothes into it and hung it around her neck. She was beautiful as a woman, but as a wolf, she was ethereal. Her fur was like charcoal after the heat had left it, and her eyes were the color of a clear Summer sky. Her shoulders reached to just below his shoulder, her head even with his own.
She walked over to him and nudged him gently with her nose, almost knocking him off balance. He smiled a little and wiped the moisture from her nose off onto his pants. “Yes, yes I am aware. There is no need to rush me. I am enjoying our vacation, remember? You should really try to enjoy it as well, beayguun.”
He took his own bag from his belt and put his clothes into it as he removed them. His transformation was much quicker than Kaya’s and had not hurt nearly as much. He was larger than she was, black instead of gray. He had a scar across his front, right paw and across his right hip. He slipped his own bag over his head.
‘She has gone into the forest. It will give her more cover, and if I am not mistaken, which I never am, it is pack territory.” Kaya glanced over at Xalyn as his voice entered her head. He was already moving away from her. He did not need a response, he had not asked for her opinion on the matter.
He stopped when he got to the edge of the forest. Many of the trees had seen many centuries, their width attesting to their age. Rays filtered through the leaves, and with the setting sun it made everything a soft gold. He lowered his muzzle to the ground and took in all the scents around him. It took quite a bit of sifting through all the scents of dead leaves, rabbits, deer, and other wild life. He found the Rogue’s scent, along with another one, one of death. That was not uncommon, though, it could be anything at all.
Xalyn was positive they were near pack territory, it was likely that a pack wolf had made the kill. It was just very good at covering its scent. The Rogue’s scent was fresh, he would say a few hours old at most. The smell of death was following the Rogue. He had not caught the scent of any other wolves around and the scent was fresher than hers. Perhaps the pack wolf was extremely good at covering their scent.
The forest soon opened into a large clearing. The grass was dry and brittle, in desperate need of rain. The blades crunched as they walked further into the open area. The Rogue’s scent went straight across the clearing. It mingled with the scent of several other wolves. This was the edge of the pack’s territory. He was not entirely sure as to where he was, but from what he could deduce, this would be Malcolm’s pack in the north of Lowrys.
He stared into the forest on the other side as he considered what to do next. They could go around the territory, but it would be vast. It would prolong their vacation, if the Rogue did not come out of the territory though, that would not be good at all. It was a huge offense to enter another pack’s territory without permission. Most times, wolves that did such were met with extreme prejudice and hostility. With good reason. If they tried to summon them, there was no guarantee at all that they would answer.
He decided that the best course of action at this moment was to summon them, unfortunately. If they did not show up by the time the moon had reached its zenith, they would simply go in. He glanced over at Kaya and sighed, if she was not with him he would not even consider diplomacy as an option. She was a female, though, which meant he had to protect her since she would not be able to do so herself with any great success.
‘We shall summon the pack. If they do not show up by the time the moon has reached its peak we shall enter the territory,’ He told her. He tilted his head back and let out a long howl. Several moments later a faint response came.
In the time that they were waiting Kaya had Changed back into her human form and put her clothing back on. She was far more comfortable in her human skin. She wore a breastplate made of hardened leather. Underneath she wore a long-sleeved, light-brown shirt. Dark-brown leather pants adorned her lower half. Her black boots were knee-high and folded over the top.
When the wolves finally showed up the moon had almost reached the highest point in the sky and Xalyn was pacing along the border, a path worn by his huge paws.
There were four in total, all dark in fur. The male in the front was black, with two brown males behind him on either side, and then a dark red female at the very back.
‘Who are you and what is your business here?’ the black male asked, his tail raised high and his golden eyes narrowed.
Xalyn stood there, trying to decide if he wanted to laugh or growl at the wolf. He was nothing but a Beta, his eyes were a dead giveaway. Yet, he dared to speak to him, an Alpha, in that manner?
‘We are with the Grand Council, we have need to speak with your Alpha.’ Xalyn said, taking a step closer but being sure not to step over the pack territory.
‘My name is Logan and I am the head Beta of the territory, any business you have with our Alpha can be taken up with me.’
Xalyn stared at the wolf, weighing his words. He had to be careful of what he said. While he thought this wolf was arrogant beyond words, he could tell he was serious. He honestly thought he was on par with an Alpha. He Changed within moments so that he was not vulnerable long enough for them to make use of it. The speed in which he did so was alarming in and of itself.
Xalyn was tall, standing three inches over six feet with a very muscular build. His chocolate hair had streaks of red and blonde going through it and it fell freely to his shoulders, strands framing his face. His crystal blue eyes stood out against his tanned skin.
He did not bother to put his clothes back on, there was no need. “Do you honestly believe yourself to be on par with an Alpha? Would you care to explain how this is? I am truly curious.”
Logan growled and then Changed, Xalyn noted with some smugness that it was not anywhere near as fast as he had. The fact that there were three other wolves there to guard him did not matter.
“Our Alpha will not be bothered with the like of some strays that happened across our territory and decided that they wished to make fast passage through our territory instead of going around.”
Xalyn stared at the shorter man for a long minute. Who exactly did this Beta think he was? This was ridiculous. A stray? He had honestly called him a stray. He clenched his jaw to keep himself from lashing out like he wanted.
“I am formally requesting that you retrieve your Alpha so that we may speak with him. It is of utmost importance. As I stated before, we are here on business from the Grand Council,” Xalyn stated.
“I deny your request. As I have already said, I will not bother my Alpha with some Strays.” Logan turned and began to walk around.
“Stop.” Xalyn put power behind his words, a power that only Alphas had called Mana. It enabled them to force another wolf in their pack other than Omegas to do what they told them to. Typically, an Alpha was only able to use it on a member of the pack they belonged to, however there were two exceptions to the rule; the Lunar King and Lunar Queen. They alone had the ability to control any wolf, including Omegas, with the only exceptions being each other. Than Xalyn knew of, anyways. He had never heard or been told of any other exceptions.
Logan and the other wolves froze in their tracks. Logan glanced back at him, his eyes wide with wonder and fear.
Xalyn suppressed a shiver at the look, “You will either alert you Alpha to my presence or you will take me to him.”
Logan turned his lip up and nodded before walking off, ordering one of the brown wolves and the red female to stay behind with them.
“The two of you need not stay in that form, it is much easier to converse in this way,” Kaya said, smiling warmly at the other two wolves. Since she and Xalyn wore their human skin they were unable to speak with the other wolves at all. Only Shaman had that ability.
‘I am able to speak with you just fine like this. If Caleb says anything of any import I will alert you of it.’ A feminine voice entered their minds. Xalyn glanced over at her. He knew she was a Shaman. She had the eyes of one. She was an Omega Shaman at that.
Whenever a wolf was a Shaman they ended up with two eye colors, one being green. She had one purple eye and the other green, indicating which rank she was. Any rank other than an Alpha could be a Shaman. He had never heard of an Alpha that was also a Shaman.
“What is your name?” Kaya asked, tilting her head to the side, pale strands sliding down over her shoulder.
‘Adriana.’
Xalyn stared at her, his eyes narrowed slightly. Her tone was clipped and just this shy of being rude. Did she believe that because she was an Omega he would not be able to use his Mana on her? Did she not know the abilities of the Lunar Pair?
“Do you have something to say?” He asked her.
‘I feel as though your use of Mana on Logan was slightly out of line. It was not needed,’ she replied, sitting down, and tilting her head at him.
Xalyn thinned his lips and ran one of his hands through his hair. This Omega spoke to him as though she was an equal. He barely suppressed a scoff and just turned on his heel and stalked off, pacing several feet away.
About an hour later Logan came back into the clearing with the brown wolf before and a large, dark gray Alpha and a slender white female. The two new wolves were in front, both of their heads held high. They walked with a confidence befit of their station as Alphas.
As they drew closer Xalyn noticed something was strange about the white female. At first, he was unable to place it. Then, he realized; her eyes were two different colors. Her right was the color of the deepest ocean depths and her left the color of new Spring leaves.
He had never seen anything like it in an Alpha. Their kind typically did not have differing eyes colors unless they were a Shaman as well. Alphas were not able to be Shaman, however, which is what made it strange. It was difficult to take his eyes away from her. He grudgingly did so when the gray Alpha began to Change.
The other male appeared to be in his mid-forties as a human with jet hair with greying temples. The female shifted right after.
“Logan informed me that you forced him to come retrieve me. He also stated that you are claiming to be here on business from the Grand Council. I do believe that you somehow forced him to come get me. He is not one to take orders from others and tries to take care of things without my involvement. He is rather pretentious in that manner.” The Alpha, who had to be Malcolm, held his hand up to halt Logan’s words of protest and received a dejected look from the Beta.
“It is no lie that we are here on business from the Council. We need permission to enter your territory.” Xalyn walked closer to the Alpha.
“For what reason?”
“I am unable to provide that information.”
“Then, your request is denied.”
“Denied? You will refuse the Council?” Xalyn asked, narrowing his eyes.
“I do not see the Council. I have met them all, and I can assure you, you are not one of them. You come into my territory and make a request to enter my territory on behalf of the Grand Council, and yet you do not show proof that you are here for them and refused to tell me the reason you need access to my land,” Malcolm said.
“Do you know any one that would dare impersonate someone under the Grand Council?” Xalyn asked, giving Malcolm a droll look.
“Someone who is on the run, desperate, or not in their right mind. Anything can cause a person to do such.”
“We are searching for a Rogue. Her scent has led us straight to your territory,” Kaya said before Xalyn could prevent her.
“A Rogue?” Malcolm looked to Xalyn, “See, was that so difficult? Your partner at least knows some common courtesies.” The man scoffed and shook his head. “My name is Malcolm, and I am obviously the Alpha of this territory. This is my niece, Aflenthia.” He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply through his nose.
“I can smell her.” He opened his eyes and sighed. He muttered something under his breath. “Fine. I grant you both permission to enter my territory. I will send three wolves with you to help in your search. Logan, Caleb, Aflenthia; go with them.”
Of course, Malcolm would send wolves with them. They were there to keep an eye on them. Sending them to ‘help in research’ was just a farce. He would do the same thing, honestly, if he were in Malcolm’s shoes.
He glanced over at Kaya and nodded. The female walked off to the tree line, returning in lupine form. By the time she got back he, Logan, and Aflenthia had already shifted.
The five wolves ran off away from Malcolm and the other two wolves. Aflenthia ran next to Kaya, in front of Logan, and behind Xalyn. Logan had originally tried to take up a position next to Kaya, but Xalyn refused to allow that to happen.
After they had traveled for quite some time the stench of urine and disease began to join the other scents around him. Humans. He slowed their pace and glanced around. They had come across a road and the Rogue’s scent went straight down it.
‘How travelled is this road?’ Xalyn asked Aflenthia, sitting and glancing back at her.
‘You’ll see one or two humans on it a day. It is the only way to and from the village up ahead,’ she answered.
Logan snarled and lunged towards Aflenthia unexpectedly, nipping hard at her ears. She winced a little but did not yelp despite any sensitivity a wolf’s ears might have. She snarled back and flattened her ears against her head.
Xalyn tilted his head as Caleb backed up several steps from the two wolves. They had a stare off before Logan took off in the other direction. Aflenthia let out a sigh and turned towards them.
‘I apologize about that. We had a small disagreement.’ She glanced over at Caleb and the younger wolf ran off after him. She Changed and put her clothes on. Xalyn copied her actions with Kaya walking away to do the same.
“I will go ahead and take you to the village and we can ask about the Rogue while we are there. They are incredibly way of strangers, so do not do anything stupid, such as insult them,” She put her hands on her hips and stared at Xalyn.
“Stupid? I would never do anything stupid. If I say something and they become insulted, it is their own damned fault for not being on par with my intelligence,” Xalyn said, giving Aflenthia a haughty look.
“If you say so.” Aflenthia rolled her eyes and started walking.
Xalyn narrowed his eyes and walked after her, taking long strides so that he was walking in front of her.
“We need to have an alias for these villagers. We will masquerade as humans,” Xalyn said. The Rogue would have likely passed by the village and killed some of their livestock. They should be ecstatic to have some help.
“There is no need for that. The villagers know me quite well. If I am with you, you will be fine.” She shrugged and brushed her black hair from her shoulders.
“Know you quite well? Is that only the male villagers or the female as well?” Xalyn asked.
Aflenthia stopped and turned towards him, her brows furrowed. “What are you talking about? Of course, they all know me. I have brought them food and assisted them in hunting.”
Xalyn stared at her as she walked off. Did she honestly have no idea that he had just insinuated she was a whore? How much further could he take that, he wondered. She slowed to a stop and then turned, her eyes flashing fire at him.
“Wait…are you an idiot? Did you think that I would not know what you were talking about? What makes you think that you have any right at all to speak to a woman that you met only a few hours ago in that way? Who the hell do you think you are?”
“Who do I think I am? I am the Lunar King, that is all,” Xalyn shot back.
“I could honestly care less if you are Talyx himself. You do not get to speak to a woman in that manner. If you ever expect someone to respect and be loyal to you, you should not speak to someone that way. Someone you do not know.” Aflenthia walked up to him and put her finger in his face.
Kaya stepped in front of Xalyn and pushed Aflenthia away from him. “He can be an asshole sometimes, but he is still the Lunar King; the chosen of Lasara. He will be a great ruler one day, so perhaps you should learn your place.”
“If he is the chosen of Lasara then I doubt our goddess’ ability to choose someone. Arguing about his dumb ass tendencies will not help in finding the Rogue, so come on,” Aflenthia said, turning away from them both and walking away once more.
Xalyn growled and stalked after. This girl…did she think she was hot shit because she had such a unique look? So, what if she had two different eye colors. She was nothing special. It happened all the time in other species.
“Do you hear that? Is that barking?” Kaya asked, looking around.
“Yes. They have a couple of wolfhounds at their gates. There is no need to worry, they are chained up, so you do not need to worry about them eating you.” Aflenthia smiled at her.
“What? Why would I be worried about them eating me? What if they give us away?” Kaya glared at Aflenthia.
“Give what away? That we are wolves in human skin,” Aflenthia rolled her eyes, “The humans would have to believe we exist for that to happen. They merely thought the dogs did not like me when I first began to visit the village. They do not even bark at me anymore.” Aflenthia shrugged and kept walking.
The entrance to the village had an old gate with a sign that half-hung to the top, the words worn away long ago. Two of the wolfhounds were chained to either side and growled, pulling at their chains.
“Hush you two, there is no need for all of that racket,” Aflenthia said, “You need not worry, as I stated before, they will not eat you.”
The village itself had some rather well constructed houses made from wood in the forest. They all had a utilitarian look to them; wood with a thatched roof. None of the houses had any sort of covering for a window except for a piece of cloth. After the villagers realized that Aflenthia was with them they came from their houses.
The three of them stopped when an older looking male approached them. He was more well off than the other villagers. He smelled healthier and his clothes were not quite as tattered.
“Ali, it has been far too long. Who are your guests?” The man asked, smiling warmly at the girl.
“It has indeed,” She hugged the man. “These are acquaintances of mine; Xalyn and Kaya. They are looking for a large wolf, you have not seen one perchance?”
“A large wolf?” He stared at the two with suspicion before turning back to her. “The village has been plagued with several large wolves as of late. They killed Parceval and Bellina.” Jake shook his head.
“Oh no, I am so sorry. I knew how much you loved those dogs. Have you had any other issues?”
“Yes. They have killed nearly all the sheep, some of the cows, and Thomas’ horse.” He glanced away, licking his upper lip.
“How many villagers?” she asked, worry etching her brow.
Jake took in a shaky breath before he answered. “Aye. They got Jacob’s little boy, Tanya’s husband.” He paused and then whispered, “They got Willis as well.”
“Willis? Oh Lasara, are you alright? What, no, of course not. How is your sister doing?”
“Okay, enough! I am sorry for your loss, sir. However, we are here to do a job, not catch up with the locals,” Xalyn cut in, walking forward. “I am a ranger, and this is my partner Kaya. We are a large, rust colored wolf. Seen one?”
Aflenthia did not say anything and just glared at him.
“I have not seen what the creatures that have done these atrocities look like. I am sorry, but it is rather difficult to see what they look like when it is pitch black out and I am trying not to get discovered by them,” Jake said, rubbing his arms.
“Would you guys like me to put you up? I have a few extra bedrooms,” Jake asked with a slight smile.
“We shall stay at the inn. Is he in town?” Aflenthia smiled at the human.
Jake grimaced and then nodded, “Yes…he is here. I will never understand why you are so attached to him. He is bad news, Ali.” Jake placed his hand on her arm, worry clouding his features.
“So, you tell me every single time that he is here. It is fine, he is not as bad as you think.” She patted his arm and then removed it from her own. She walked towards one of the large buildings in the village, these one two stories where most others were only one. There was a small stable off to the side with the groom snoring on the hay.
There was a sign outside of the door declaring that it was called the ‘Blue Star Inn’. The inside of the inn had a cozy atmosphere. There was a high bar off to the right and several booths and tables scattered about. Xalyn paused, sweeping his gaze around the room. This whole place was permeated with power the likes of which Xalyn had never felt before.
His eyes landed on a figure shrouded in shadow in the back corner of the room. He began to make a mention of the being but stopped when it stood and strode over.
The man was several inches taller than Xalyn, and broader. His blue eyes were ice as he studied Xalyn and Kaya. Tendrils of hair the same exact shade as Xalyn’s fell an inch past his shoulders with a few loose tendrils framing his tanned face. He was covered in scars and had the type of presence that said he was used to being in charge.
The ice melted from his eyes when he saw Aflenthia and a huge smile covered his face. He strode over to her and picked her up into a tight hug, her feet dangling a good six inches from the floor.
“Ali cat! I have missed you!” The giant beast said, burying his face in her hair.
“Mamba! Put me down you big oaf!” She said, laughter coloring her words. He set her down gently and moved his gaze back to Xalyn and Kaya, his gaze lingering on Xalyn.
“Who be your friends?” He asked, moving so that he stood in front of them.
Xalyn was not pleased about this man being larger than he was. It was not something he came across very often, and he radiated power like it was some cologne he spritzed on every morning. He had to be the most powerful being he had ever come across, aside from himself.
“I am your King,” Xalyn said, clenching his fists.
“My king?” The man looked over at Aflenthia, “Is he being serious right now? Please tell me he is joking. This pipsqueak actually introduces himself like this?”
“Unfortunately. If I were you I would pay him no heed.” Aflenthia shrugged.
Mamba shook his head, “That so?” He tilted his head at Xalyn his eyes calculating. “Want me to set him straight for you?”
Aflenthia shook her head, “No, there is no need and he is not worth the time. I actually need a favor.”
“A favor?” Xalyn asked, his lip turning up slightly. “There is no way in Serdros’ hell that I am going to owe him anything. Mu thoyn pag.”
“You should watch your mouth. That is not polite language to use around,” Mamba paused and looked confused for a moment, “Not polite to use around women.”
“Not polite,” It registered what Mamba had said. “You understand my language?” Xalyn stared at Mamba, his mouth hanging open. How in the hell…only those from the Fara Fearayge knew that language. He did not know this man at all. There was no way he was from there, he would recognize his scent.
“Of course, I can, are you daft?” Mamba asked, rolling his eyes.
“Only those from my home territory know Gaylyge and are permitted to speak it. I know you not.” Xalyn narrowed his eyes.
“Why would you know me? I left before you were even a twinkle in your mother’s eyes.” Mamba turned towards Aflenthia, “Now what is this favor you ask of me, Blayth Alayna? Is it of those wolves that have been harassing the village?”
Xalyn scoffed at the common endearment that meant ‘beautiful flower’. How quaint. He shook his head, not taking his eyes from Mamba. The man seemed familiar to him, perhaps it was simply because his looks were so like his own. Yes, that had to be it.
“Actually, yes. It is more than one wolf? You would not have happened to have seen them?” Aflenthia asked hopefully.”
“Nay,” Mamba shook his head, “I have been away from the” he paused again as though he was searching for the proper word, “from the village for the last two months. I returned last night and heard about the attacks.”
“Xalyn and Kaya are searching for a Rogue wolf. We think that that wolf might be what has been causing these attacks,” Aflenthia said, resting her right hand on her hip.
“A Rogue? Perhaps, I find it unlikely though unless it has found a few friends along the way. I would say that there are three or four of them from what I managed to get from the villagers.” He glanced at Kaya, “What do you think lass? Think your Rogue could have gotten some friends?”
“Not likely. There has been no indication of such as we have followed her trail,” Xalyn answered for her. “I would like to request that you show me a bit more respect than you have. I am the Lunar King, after all.”
Mamba sighed and gave Xalyn a look that questioned the other man’s intelligence. “Do you think that throwing around phrases like that in a place that is run by humans is the best idea? If you do, then you are far more ignorant and arrogant than I initially though.”
Xalyn clenched his jaw and his fist, “Ignorant? You do not know me, yet you dare to insult me in such a manner?” He glanced at Kaya and then around the room, and since there were no humans, he felt it was safe to do what he had planned. “Bow to me.”
Mamba stood with his legs braced apart and arched a brow, not moving at all. “I think not. It would take far too long to bow with my height.”
Xalyn stared at him, not understanding what had just happened. He knew for a damn fact that he had used his Mana on him…why had it not worked? What happened? He was the Lunar King, there was no reason for why it would not have worked. The only one it would not work on was the Lunar Queen and he most certainly was not Kaya. Were there others that Mana did not work on? He had never heard of such a thing.
“What in the…why…why did it not work?” Kaya asked, looking back and forth between the two males.
“Are you really the Lunar King?” Mamba asked, a look of disbelief on his face, “I always imagined he would be more…tall. No, that is not the word I meant…real? No…that is not it either. Oh! Regal! Yes. I imagined the Lunar King to be more regal. You seem nothing more than some spoiled buachayl to me. Ordering people around when you do not like what they have to say or do not do as you say. It is pathetic.”
Kaya stared up at Mamba, her own brows furrowed in confusion, “Why did it not work?”
“Guess his Mana does not work on everyone. Are you sure he is the Lunar King and not the Lunar Prince?” Mamba asked with a chuckle.
Lunar Prince? There was no such thing as a Lunar Prince. Was Mamba insulting him by saying he did not believe he was truly the King?
“It matters not, we have a job to do,” Xalyn groused, glaring at the other male.
“Well, if you want my help, and it does seem you are in desperate need of it, you are going to have to ask nicely,” Mamba told him.
Ask him nicely? Was he delusional? He refused to ask anything of this rude male. “We do not need any of your damned help. We can do this without you.”
“Actually, we need his help. He knows this forest far better than anyone, including my own pack. He is the best tracker I know. His skills will be invaluable to us,” Aflenthia said, stopping Xalyn from walking out of the inn.
Points:
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I love this so much, you have no idea! It seems like a really interesting concept
There's really not much to criticize. I think maybe you should add a few more hints about the plot, as far as I understand it's about finding this rogue wolf? It would hook the reader in a bit more, make them want to keep reading. Don't get me wrong, I love it, I just think it needs more suspense if that makes sense?
Also, the characters don't have much personality as of yet. So perhaps you could embellish that a bit more, the only character I feel like I know is Xalyn. Leading on from that, I dodn't really know much about the dynamics of the characters? Especially between Xalyn and Kayla. I was getting a lovers vibe from them, but I wasn't really sure. I think you should clear that up a bit, and early in the story. Preferably in the first few paragraphs.
I love your style of writing though, it's really detailed and rich. All the descriptions are perfect! Especially at the beginning, which is of course really crucial to get the reader interested, I really loved the way you described the characters' appearances. Perhaps you could add more description to the setting as well?
I hope this helps!
Hey! in advance, I hope this review helps. I'm not going to take this thing sentence by sentence, but instead point out some general things I noticed.
First of all, I like the way you've set up this story. You've quickly lain out your characters and a scenario to put them through. That's great, plot wise. You seem comfortable with your world, which is also a plus when you're handling a fantasy setting/story.
there were, however, a couple of things that I think stood in the way of keeping this a clear, strong story, so here they are:
1) the introduction of the characters, especially the main characters: I don't have a clear idea of the relationship between Xalyn and Kayla. Are they brother and sister or are they mates? Furthermore, the way you refrain from saying Kayla's name for a full couple of paragraphs after introducing Xalyns makes me think, off the bat, that her name is unknown. Once we know the names, we know their gender, so you can refrain from saying "the male" or "the female" and simply use their names or their descriptions, which will personalize them instead of presenting them as strangers.
2) the "eyes" thing: this is a small one, but I found that the identification of a wolf's rank by their eyes to be illogical. Yes, I realize this whole story, which is by definition a fantasy, is technically illogical, but this detail is more so. There is no logic to this eye color thing. Especially, but not exclusively, because wild wolves cannot have blue eyes(or purple eyes, by proxy)-- the gene for blue eyes in canines presents only in domestic dogs. Besides THAT fact, wolves aren't going to use sight to identify each other. Scent is by far the most vivid sense that a canine has. Yes, I realize that these wolves are half people, but because they are using a wolf-derived hierarchy, I expect that they will tell each others' rank apart by wolf senses. Tip: alphas are the best fed of the pack, because they eat first. They will smell healthier and more robust than the other wolves. Etc.
problems with the eye thing:
a. So, what color eyes do newborn wolves have? Are they "ranked" as soon as they are born?
b. what force of nature bestowed these ranks? do the wolves have some sort of god that discerns these things?
c. the "green eye magic thing"-- magic is a very broad term. State what your "rules" are for the magic in this world. Also, why are omegas so powerful? they're supposed to be the lowest ranked, but their gifts seem to be way too precious for them to be, as Omegas, the worst fed and the least liked.
3. is the rogue a wolf or a werewolf?: again, another small one, but please clarify it. It makes a certain sense that he's terrorizing a town ONLY if he's a werewolf. Because wolves generally stick to themselves, and also rarely travel alone.
4. describe the setting: you tend to describe the characters a lot, which is good, but you loose sight of where the characters are, which makes me feel lost.
5. characterize MORE: you describe the physical appearances of the characters, but I don't know what their personalities are. When they speak, they sound stiff. Get inside your characters' minds!!!
Ok, that's it for me. Sorry if this sounded harsh; it actually really took a long period of combing through this piece to find stuff I thought could use criticism. Uncritically speaking, I thought this was a great and entertaining piece of writing, and if you want to send another chapter my way, I'd be thrilled.
have a good day!
~Satira
I actually have the whole thing in the novel workshop. I don't typically write in a chapter format because it ruins my flow for writing. I see the things you're saying, and there is a deity that dictates what they do and all of that. I have been working on editing it, and the blue eyes, since humans CAN have blue eyes, which is why it's possible with them.
aha! go right along, then
@NafaKitty
Hi.
You don't know me but I just wanted to say that the idea that you don't write in chapter format because it ruins your flow is very true!
And I feel the exact same thing- but it's hard to publish a book without chapters.
Anyways- just saying!
XXX,
sapphireluna
@sapphireluna Yeah, I know. I'm going to be dividing it up into chapters after I finish it completely.
GOOD IDEA