16+ Language Violence

Alpha - 2

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Xalyn stared down at the hand on his arm. She dare to touch him? He pushed the appendage off him and turned towards Mamba. “If he wishes to help us, he will have to apologize for being rude. He will also have to beg me to allow him the honor.”

“The honor of helping you? I am bursting with excitement.” Mamba rolled his eyes. “I do not beg. You have not earned the right for me to beg something of you, boy.

Xalyn bristled at being called boy. “You dare to call me boy? I am the Lunar King!” Xalyn drew himself up to his full height, which was still not as impressive as the other male’s.

“I could honestly care less if you are Talyx, the king of the gods, himself. You must earn respect. The only thing you have earned from me thus far is…” Mamba muttered under his breath, “Disdain.”

Xalyn began to say something else but stopped when an elderly man entered the room from a door off to the side. He paused when he saw the four of them and scowled. He had a wooden bucket full of some sort of brown liquid.

“Mamba tell the boy to put ‘is dick back in ‘is pants. No fightin’ in my inn, ya hear? Ye are far too likely to wolf out, and ‘ow the ‘ell am I going to explain that to the other villagers?” he man asked, setting the bucket down.

“Wolf out? He knows about our kind? You told a human about us?” Kaya asked, her eyes snapping fire at Mamba. To tell a human about the existence of Lycanthropes broke one of the Five Laws. The punishment for doing so was death.

“No such thing transpired. I can read auras, and that boy over there has his out and so bloody strong that it is damn near suffocation.” The human said, waving his hand in front of his face, “It be like a beacon that be seen from miles away. I ‘ave no idea ‘ow ‘e got so far in life without being killed escapes me.”

Mamba nodded, “William, I would like to introduce you to Kaya and Xalyn. Xalyn is a big dog, is that not obvious?”

Aflenthia walked over to the human and gave him a brief hug.

“Me wife knows about ye too. Will ye be blaming Mamba for ‘er knowing? Ye’d love that, would ye not?” William looked at Mamba, “What did ye say to them?”

“Nothing but the truth. Xalyn is being rude,” Mamba replied with a shrug.

“Ye would think a rock is rude. Aflenthia, dear, were they being rude?”

Aflenthia stared at Xalyn and Kaya for a moment, “They have not been overtly rude until we began to walk on the road to the village. It is mostly Xalyn, Kaya does not seem to say much.”

William nodded his head, “I see. Perhaps the two of ye should ‘ave a go at each other, eh? Get out all of that pent-up frustration the both of ye ‘ave.”

“We will not be fighting. We have a job to do. Are you going to help us or not?” Xalyn asked. He did not appreciate how they spoke of him as though he were not in the room.

“I did not hear a ‘please’ in that sentence.” Mamba arched a brow at Xalyn.

“Nor will you. I will not say please to someone that has disrespected me in the way that you have done,” Xalyn growled.

“Oh, for Lasara’s sake, both of you stop being so stubborn. Mamba, he is not asking for your help, I am. Will you help us, please?” Aflenthia asked, rolling her eyes at them both.

“Fine, I will help, but only because I find it very difficult to tell you ‘no’ Ali Cat,” Mamba replied.

“Great! Then let us get started. Jake said that the wolves have killed a lot of the animals, and three of the villagers, correct?” Aflenthia asked.

“Right. It is downright disgusting what they are doing. They are not eating them. They just leave the corpses there to rot.” Mamba ran his fingers through his hair.

“They are doing it for fun…That would go along with what the Rogue has in mind. It is possible that she could have gotten some friends and we just have not realized it.” Kaya chewed on her bottom lip, “I think it would be safe to assume that this is the Rogue.”

Xalyn agreed with her. He did not understand why any of their kind would want to expose them to Humans. The Human species was violent and hated anything that it did not understand. Was she determined to destroy them all? What did she think she was going to be able to accomplish?

“What is the Rogue after? If doing something like this would assist in furthering her plans, is she trying to expose us to humans?” Mamba tilted his head.

“That is confidential information.” Xalyn saw no need to answer his question. All he needed to know was that the Grand Council had ordered the termination of the wolf.

“She is trying to out us. There is no need to deny it,” Aflenthia said.

Xalyn opened his mouth to refute her claim, but Kaya answered in his stead. “Yes. She is trying to out us. We do not know why exactly, or how she plans on doing it. We only know that she is.”

“Kaya, that is confidential information. Why the hell would you tell them that?” Xalyn asked, his voice raising an octave and cracking slightly.

“Because, if they are going to help us, then they need to know what they are dealing with,” She told him. “We cannot keep doing this alone. It is too much. You say that this is a vacation, but it is not. If you are not willing to take it seriously, then I am going to have to work with someone who is.”

Xalyn growled at her and then turned to Aflenthia, “Actually, on the note of saying things that should not be said, or not saying things that should have been. Why the hell did you not tell us about his presence here? Did you not think a warning may have been warranted?”

“Why would I have told you? There would have been no point. He is not here more often than he is lately. I had no idea if he would be here or not.” She put her hands on her hips. “Besides, I have no reason to tell you anything at all. You are not my Alpha, you have done nothing that says you deserve for me to tell you anything. The only things that I have to tell you are those that are directly related to your mission.”

Xalyn huffed and turned to walk out the door, not caring one way or the other if any of them followed him. Kaya had spoken out against him in front of others. She knew he hated when she did that. It undermined his authority. Before long, she would be would be disrespecting him and not listening to his orders at all.

The King stopped when a long howl filled the area, soon followed by two more. It sounded as though they were right outside of the village. The wolfhounds began to bark like crazy. The animals shifted nervously in their pens. Mamba ran past him.

“That has to be the wolves that have been harassing the village,” Mamba called back, not slowing down in the slightest. Kaya and Aflenthia ran past him as well before he took off after them.

The wolves were gone by the time they arrived. Not even a trace of scent left behind. It smelled as though only humans had been out here. They had not met all the humans in the village, so it was possible that it could have been a villager. That, or it could have been a Lycan in human form. It would be impossible to recognize the scent. Each form had drastically different scents.

Xalyn swore under his breath and began to pace. How had they not gotten to the area in time? This was not a large village, it had not taken them five minutes to get to where they had heard the wolves.

He turned to Mamba and growled, “This is all your fault. If you had not pissed me off so much we would have gotten here in time.”

Mamba’s eyebrows rose in shock. “You have to be kidding. My fault? By the gods, boy. This is not anyone’s fault. They just happened to move faster than we did.”

“Oh please, there is not a single wolf that is faster than I. If I had not been so utterly irate I would have moved faster, and we would have caught them.”

“Fighting will get us nowhere.” Aflenthia looked at Xalyn, “You need to accept the fact that we did not get here fast enough. What we need to do now is focus on trying to figure out who they are, and where they are hiding.” Aflenthia walked between the two of them and held her arms out.

Xalyn mumbled under his breath again and stalked off back towards the inn. Everyone was against him. Mamba and Aflenthia, hell he was not even sure that Kaya was still him.

Later than night Aflenthia was staring out the window of her room in the inn. She held her head up with her hand as she chewed on her inner cheek. Nobody was walking around on the dirt paths this late at night. There were not even any animals out; a precaution to keep anything else from being killed.

A shadow, canine in shape, moved in the alley across from her. She narrowed her eyes and stood up, leaning in closer to the window. A head appeared, almost as back as the shadows surrounding it. Logan. Why was he here?

She left the inn, walking over to the alley that she had seen him in. He was no longer there, she Changed and followed his scent. He was not too much father, and he was sitting. Waiting for her.

‘Why are you here Logan?’ she asked him, cocking her head to the side.

‘I need to speak with you,’ he said, ‘Without the King breathing down your neck. What is your fascination with him, anyways? He is incredibly rude.’

‘Fascination? Are you crazy? I cannot stand him. I am only assisting him because if there is a Rogue on the loose in our area, it could put the pack at risk. I refuse to allow that to happen.’

‘Why does it matter if the Rogue kills a couple of the humans?’ Logan asked, ‘They came into our territory. They are trespassing. They have no right to be here. We have been in this forest for centuries, and they think they can just walk right in. They animals are starting to leave, Ali. They are tearing down the trees. If they keep it up, we will have to leave.’

‘Please tell me you are not being serious right now. Killing humans in one of the Five Laws that we are not supposed to do!’ Aflenthia stared at him in shock. ‘Are you trying to get yourself killed? Are you the one doing these killings?’

Logan took a step back, looking appalled. ‘Of course not! I am not stupid, especially not with those two here. How would I even pull it off? I am just saying; the humans are killing the forest. They have absolutely no regard for nature! Give them another one hundred years or so and there will be nothing left!’

Aflenthia whined softly, ‘I do not know…I am sorry Logan. This whole situation is just…it is insane.’ She shook her head and sat down. ‘What did you need to talk to me about?’

‘Nothing really, I just missed you and I wanted to know why you will still with his highness.’ Logan licked the side of her face and then walked off, disappearing into the shadows again.

Aflenthia sighed and stood, changing back to her human skin before heading back to the inn. However, she did not go back to her room. She stayed down in the common room, sitting in one of the back booths. She began to chew on her inner cheek again, thinking about what Logan had said.

There was no way that he was the one attacking the village. He would never go against Malcolm, not in something as major as this. What he said made sense though. The humans were killing the forest, but that was the way humans were. They came, they conquered, they left; even if what they were conquering was not able to fight back.

She shook head, banishing that thought process from her mind. It had to be the Rogue, all of this had to be the work of the wolf that Xalyn and Kaya were hunting.

Before she realized how much time had passed soft rays of light began to filter into the room. Mamba was the first to come down, his brown hair a complete mess, sticking up everywhere. Xalyn and Kaya followed close behind.

Kaya sat next to Aflenthia, refusing to even look at Xalyn. The younger female looked between the two and then watched Mamba bring over four mugs of spiced ale. He sat them down in front of everyone and then sat on the other side of Aflenthia; leaving Xalyn on the other side by himself.

“We need to figure out a game plan. Get some more information on the killings. When did they begin? How frequent are they?”

Aflenthia sniffed at her beverage as Kaya took a sip of hers. She had never been a fan of ale, but spiced ale was a new thing for her. She took a sip of it and barely kept her self from spitting it out all over Xalyn.

“I already asked about that. I was told that they began around a month and a half ago, not long after I left.” Mamba downed his drink and then took Aflenthia’s.

“Alright, then for a game plan. We need to catch the wolves in the act. Perhaps we could make it look as though we left the village and they will begin killing again?” Kaya asked.

“That is a possibility. How would we pull it off?” Aflenthia tapped her fingers on the table.

“Well, our scents change when we are in human form. We Change and leave the village, then come back as humans. That should work,” Xalyn said.

“I do not know how they would even know we were here. We did not walk into the village as wolves, we came as humans. None of us have been in wolf form.” Aflenthia chewed on her bottom lip.

“That is a good point. I do not see how they would know we are here, either.” Kaya stroked the side of her thumb as she thought of other possibilities.

“What if the wolves are villagers?” Xalyn asked.

“Not possible. I would know if there were other of our kind here. I know every villager. I am the only Lycan that comes to this village, excluding Ali,” Mamba said.

“Okay, then there is only one other way they would know we were here.” Xalyn glanced at Aflenthia. “The only other wolves that would know of this were those in your pack. Do you know any wolves that might be doing this? Might be upset about humans in the territory?”

“What? No. Some may be against the idea of humans being here, but none of us would ever break on of the Five Laws. We are not stupid.” Aflenthia shook her head, her thoughts going back to the conversation that she had with Logan last night. There was no way. He knew better.

“If you say so. I would put my money on the Rogue teaming up with some of your pack, maybe Logan. He seems like the type. Arrogant and pompous.” Xalyn ran his hand through his hair and stood up from the table. “In fact, I am going to find him now and ask him about it.”

The way he had said that last bit set Aflenthia on edge and had her standing. “The hell you are. You have absolutely no right to go accuse Logan of a crime like that without hard evidence.”

William walked in from the back room and stopped. He stared at Aflenthia and Xalyn having a stand-off with each other.

“Ye have got to be kiddin’ me. Did ye not get the message yesterday? I said no fightin’ in my inn. I would ‘ave expected this from the boy, but from ye Ali? Come on. I ‘ave ‘ad enough of this. Ye all need to learn ‘ow to play nice.”

Aflenthia looked down, her face turning a soft shade of pin. “Sorry William.” She rubbed her arms and did not look at him. She knew better than to argue at his inn. He would know, and he hated angry auras. Said that they made him uneasy.

“Why are you apologizing to a human?” Xalyn asked, giving William a dirty? look.

“Because he has earned my respect, because he is a friend. Because he deserves it, unlike you,” Aflenthia said.

“Unlike me?” Xalyn took a deep breath, “Fine. Whatever you say.”

An older woman walked out and put her arm through William’s. She leaned her head against his shoulder. “Sweetheart is everything alright?” She smiled at the two wolves she had not met. “My name is Felicia.”

An idea hit Aflenthia then, she had no idea why she had not thought of it before. “Mamba, Kaya, I have an idea.” She turned towards William, “He may be able to help us.”

Mamba’s eyes widened slightly, and he brought his hand up to his forehead, “You are right! Why had I not thought of that before?” He turned to the human as well, “William, do you think we could get your help?”

“His help? With the killings, right?” Felicia asked, tilting her head to the side.

“Yes. I think he might be able to pick up some of the aura remnants that might be left behind at the sites. What do you think?” Aflenthia walked over to them.

“It is a possibility, I am not sure though. It has been almost a week since the last attack. There is a strong possibility that there are not any remnants left at all. If there is not, I am more than happy to help still. I would just have to wait until another killing happened, and I do not think that is a good thing.” William shook his head, glancing at his wife.

“I see. I do not want to wait for the wolves to kill any more innocent humans. We will see if there are any remnants first, and then go from there,” Aflenthia said. She headed for the door of the inn with William and everyone else following.

The area still had blood splatter across the nearest buildings and the villagers had long since removed and buried the bodies of the dead. William grimaced as he glanced around.

“I can still feel the pain here,” He closed his eyes and knelt, placing his hand on ground. He stood picking up a handful of dirt. “The pain here…I do not think it will go away for quite some time.” He shook his head and dropped the dirt.

“What about the remnants?” Xalyn asked.

William shook his head, “No, there are none here. The only things left are the emotions of those that died…and such hatred.” His face grew pale. “I have never felt such an intense hatred before.” William turned to leave and Xalyn stopped him, grabbing his arm.”

“What? That is it? You have got to be kidding me. So, I was right. It was useless to ask a human for help. Typical.” Xalyn shook his head.

William shrugged his arm off and turned towards him, eyes narrowed. “You should learn to watch your mouth. You should know damn well that not everything that looks human is,” He spat out before stalking off.

“What the hell Xalyn? He could have been helpful! You have got to stop going around and pissing off everyone you meet. By the gods, I should know better by now. I have not even known you for three days and I know that.” Aflenthia glared at him and ran off after William.

It did not take her long to catch up to William. She slowed down to walk beside him. “William, what was that all about? What did you mean by what you said?”

William glanced over at her and thinned his lips, “Do not worry about it. Forget I said anything.”

She stared at him for a minute. Forget about it? How could she forget about it? She had never even considered the possibility that William was not human. Everything about him, including his scent, told her that he was. Maybe he was just in a bad mood because of the emotions that had assaulted him.

William bumped her shoulder and gave her a small smile before walking off without her, going back to the inn.

Mamba, Kaya, and Xalyn came up beside her. She shook her head at Mamba, so he would know not to ask any questions.

“We should go back to the site, see if you can find any prints that we can track,” she said.

“Alright, sounds like a plan. Come on then.” The two of them walked back next to each other with Xalyn and Kaya following them. She could here Xalyn muttering under his breath; most likely about how he was not the one in front.

Mamba walked to the edge of the area and knelt, placing his hand on the ground, and looking around. He stood back up and walked a few steps over. “There are tracks here leading into the forest, about four or five pair I would say. I say we go now, hunt them down.

Xalyn nodded, “I agree. The sooner I can get out of this damn forest the better. I am so sick of being here.” Xalyn moved to stand next to Mamba. Aflenthia and Kaya agreed as well. The four of them walked into the forest line and all Changed. It would be easier for Mamba to track like this. His eyesight was more enhanced, so he would be able to pick out the tracks in the foliage much easier.

Mamba temporarily lost the tracks when he Changed, it did not take him long to pick them back up again. The wolves had covered them with fallen leaves, but he was Mamba. There was no tracker around that was better he. He trotted further into the forest, keeping his eyes down on the large paw prints. He stopped when he heard something in the distance.

He looked back at the three wolves following him. Xalyn was stomping his feet and being just incredibly loud. It gave Mamba a certain thrill to know that he was the reason that the male was so angry. The little bastard deserved it.

He had no idea how Xalyn had grown up to be such a little shit. Mamba had known Xalyn’s parents extremely well, and his father was a hell of a lot more well-mannered than he was. They would never have allowed him to act thus. Perhaps the Council had taken Xalyn before they had the chance to instill in good values into him. He shook his head into disappointment.

He heard the sound once more, whatever it was, it was large. It had to be the wolves. Xalyn walked up to him, stepping on every single damn stick that was in his path. Mamba took a deep breath and turned towards Xalyn.

‘How have you ever caught any of your charges? You walk around like you own the damn place, not caring what you step on. Those wolves are going to be able to hear you coming from miles away. Yet, you step on anything that can make noise.’ Mamba shook his head, ‘I think you should stay where you are. Ali and I have a far better chance of catching them by ourselves.’

‘We are not staying behind. This is our mission, our Rogue. The Council will be extremely unhappy if they were to learn we allowed someone else to catch the Rogue,’ Kaya said, shaking her head.

Mamba glared at Xalyn, a frustrated breath escaping his lips. ‘Fine. Be careful…watch where you step. Try not to make too much noise.’

They had gone maybe three miles when a rust colored wolf appeared before them. She seemed to have just appeared out of nowhere, Mamba never even heard her coming, hadn’t caught her scent at all either.

Kaya and Xalyn growled almost simultaneously. This had to be the Rogue that they had been hunting. She turned into a human, her hands on her hips and her eyes downcast. Her pale skin glowed in the moonlight and she had light brown hair that hung to the top of her behind, and that was with it in a pony tail.

“Please, we need to talk.” She held her hand out, palms outward. “I wish to explain to you what I am doing. If you still think that what I am doing is wrong, then you can take me to the council. All I ask is that you hear me out first.”

The four of them glanced at each other and then Changed. Xalyn stepped so he was in the front of everyone, his eyes narrowed on the woman. “I deny your request.”

“Wait, Xalyn. I think we should hear her out. She said that she would be willing to turn herself over to the Council if we disagreed,” Kaya said, smiling a little at the woman.

Xalyn stared at Kaya for a moment before agreeing to listen to what the woman had to say.

“I did not go against the Grand Council on a whim, I need you to understand that. I have…had…two pups.” She paused, tears entering her eyes, “They were fated to become a Beta and an Omega. Well, not so much fated, but it was decided by the Grand Council. Do you honestly think Lasara cares about which wolf gets which rank? She has so much more things to worry about. The only ones she cares about are the Lunar Pair, you.

“The Grand Council decides on the rank of every other wolf, other than Alphas and Omegas, of course. It is not magic that turns their eyes when they receive ‘divine guidance’ from Lasara. They take the pups into the Divination Chamber and inject a dye into their eyes that changes their eye color. It is such a corrupt system. They decide entirely on how they are feeling that day.”

“I can attest to that. Lasara honestly does not care about the ranks. She has other things on her mind, like being a goddess,” Mamba said.

“How would you know?” Xalyn asked.

“We will just say that I have personal experience with her.” Mamba shrugged.

“That is besides the point. What proof do you have of any of this? I have never seen any of this take place. Why should we believe you?” Kaya asked.

“I saw it happen with my own eyes. I know it is hard to believe.” She took a step forward. “I did not want to believe it either, not at first. I am not trying to out us to humans. I swear that I am not. I have been avoiding them, I have not even seen a human since I started this. I have just been telling others of our kind about the corruptness of the Council.”

“You are lying! How dare you lie to me. Tell me the truth, now! Tell me the truth about how you want to out us to the humans. How you want to destroy our race!” Xalyn growled, clenching his fists. He had put so much Mana behind his words that the Rogue took several steps back and began to tremble.

“I am not lying. Everything I have told you, it is the truth. I swear.” She wrapped her arms around herself.

Xalyn stared at her, completely at a loss for words. There was no way she had gone against his Mana, right? He glanced at Mamba. It did not work against him, maybe it was the same for this Rogue. Maybe she was unaffected by it as well. Her reaction though, she had been affected by it.

“Xalyn…this is not right. They…they cannot do this to people. It is wrong! If they are doing this, then what else are they doing?” Kaya placed a hand on his arm.

Xalyn stared at the Rogue, so many thoughts running through his head at such a speed he could not focus on any one single thought. How could they have not realized, never have seen it? Was he truly so blind?

“I know that it is hard to understand and comprehend. It is hard to accept this. Like I said, I did not come to this decision lightly.” The Rogue took several more steps towards them.

“They,” Aflenthia gestured towards Xalyn and Kaya, “told us that you were trying to out Lycans. Did the Council lie to them about that?” She paused and chewed on her lips. “Of course they did, they would never have told them the true reason as to why they want you eliminated.”

“What is your name?” Mamba asked her.

“My name is Taeya,” She said, smiling.

“What about the killings at the village? If you have not seen any humans, then who is attacking the village?” Kaya asked, brows furrowing.

“I wish I could tell you, but I have no idea. I did not even know that the village was being attacked. I am willing to assist though if you would allow,” Taeya said, brushing her bangs out of her face.

“Fine…and then after that…the Council is going to pay for lying to me,” Xalyn snarled.

Mamba glanced off to the side moments before Malcolm came into view. Xalyn had heard and smelled the male coming some time ago.

“Good, I am glad that we all agree on that. I have known for quite some time about how corrupt the Council has gotten. They are not the wolves that I used to know and care for. They need to be stopped,” He said.

Xalyn narrowed his eyes at him. “If the Rogue, Taeya, is not the one that is attacking the village, we need to find out who is.” He ran his hand through his hair.

“I agree. The scent around the area, it led here.” Mamba sighed and repeated Xalyn’s action. “It is not her scent, however, it was someone else’s. There was a female, and I would say at least three other males. I hate to suggest it, but is there any possibility at all that they are members of your pack Malcolm?”

“I do not believe so.” He smiled at the large male. “It has been quite some time, Mamba.” He crossed his arms leisurely and leaned against one of the trees. “I can have them take human form so that you could find out for sure by their scents. Will that suffice?”

“Wait one moment. Why are you being so understanding with him when you were instantly resistant towards me?” Xalyn asked.

“Because I have known Mamba for quite some time now. He may not be an official member of my pack, but I consider him an honorary member. He has earned my trust and my respect,” Malcolm retorted.

Xalyn began to say something, but it would be best for him to keep quiet at this point. He cast a dirty look towards Mamba.

“You two may accompany us. I feel that we would not be able to prevent you from doing so anyways.” Malcolm glanced at Xalyn and Kaya, sighing.

The den was several miles from where they had been, and by the time they all arrived every single one of Malcolm’s pack that was adults were in wolf form. Mamba was the only one that had Changed back so that he could get a better grasp on each individual’s scent. He walked at Malcolm’s side. His heart sank as their scents reached him. They were here. Every single one of them. He glanced over them, his eyes lingering on the ones that held the scents.

His eyes went to Logan last and he closes his eyes. This would destroy Aflenthia. He was her best friend. He glanced up at Malcolm and shifted, his eyes were devoid of any joy.

Mamba glanced at Aflenthia, “I am so sorry. Logan, Treyvon, Alysith, Vander.” He heard Aflenthia gasp, he could see her hands going to her mouth with her eyes wide as dinner plates in his mind.

“What are you talking about? There…There is no way. He promised me, he swore to me that it was not him.” She looked to Logan, her brows furrowed. “He is lying, right? Tell me that he is lying and that you did not do this, please.”

Logan clenched his jaw and looked away, not saying anything. It told Aflenthia all she needed to know. Logan had lied to her.

“No. You are lying too. You swore to me that it was not you. You swore!” she stepped closer to him, fighting to hold back the tears. “How could you lie to me? I thought you were my best friend. Best friends do not lie to each other. How could you do this?”

Taeya stepped up next to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. Aflenthia pushed away, stepping away from everyone.

“I could not trust you, if I had told you what was happening, what I was doing. You would have turned me into Malcolm immediately.” He held his hand out to her, but Aflenthia pulled back, shaking her head.

“Ali, they are destroying the forest! They are trespassing! It is only right that they should reap the consequences of their actions. Our prey is growing less and less thanks to those vermin.” Logan glanced around at the other wolves. “They are taking the trees, our food, everything! I did this for us, for our survival!”

“No,” Aflenthia shook her head again, “This is not right; it is beyond wrong. It is murder. We are part human too, you are killing your own kind!”

“My own kind?” Logan scoffed, “Hardly. They are insects, they deserve to die. They destroy every single thing they touch. They have no regards for any other species but their own, and even then, that is debatable.”

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Aley
Review
Aley wrote a review · Sun Jul 01, 2018 2:47 pm

Hey NafaKitty,

Aley here for a Review Day Review!

Now, I spent a lot of time on this mostly because of grammar, and I wrote it while I was reading, so I'm going to give you a preface and then jump into my reading notes.

I think the story has a good plot and it is moving at a good pace, but there are some problems with it. First of all, the way that you develop a scene doesn't give me enough to really see. Next, I'm not feeling very connected to your characters. There isn't enough emotional connection to the audience in order to make me care about them. With that said, let's get into the nitpicks.

"if you are Talyx, the king of the gods, himself."

this should be "King of the Gods" as it is a proper title and there is only one of them, which is being referenced in this. For an example think about saying Trump, the President of the United States, or Kim Jong-un, the Supreme Leader of North Korea. Both cases need capitals because there is only one which you are referencing directly, just like "Lunar King" was referenced before.

"The only thing you have earned from me thus far is…"

Don't use ellipsis in formal writing if you can help it. It looks a bit too much like a text message when you do, or when anyone does. I'd suggest just changing this to a comma and then using the "muttered under his breath" as enough of a soft transition to fit it. Also if you're using a text tag like that, you should leave the second part of the speech lowercase. "The only thing you have earned from me thus far is," Mamba muttered under his breath, "disdain."

So far, a lot of your characters are very fixated on respect and rudeness. It seems like the primary thing in your story. There are other topics of conversation that could be had, especially if it's a human coming into the conversation such as what do you eat, what do we get out of you being here, and that sort of thing.

"That would go along with what the Rogue has in mind."

Ignoring the ellipsis that supercedes this, let's take a look at that grammar!

To me, it sounds more natural to use "had" rather than "has" as "would" is not present tense. "That would go along with what the Rouge had in mind." I might be wrong about that, but to me, that's how I would write it.
If you want "has" then I would go with "That goes along with what the Rouge has in mind."

Your capitalization of species names is odd. Usually you wouldn't say "I need to expose myself to Foxes because I want to pet one" or "The Lions walked merrily down the drive" usually those things are lowercase. Same with humans and lycanthrope. Now if you're talking about a species, "The panda bear species is nearly going extinct" sounds odd too. We don't usually phrase things like that either.

"If doing something like this would assist in furthering her plans, is she trying to expose us to humans"

Grammar hammer time again: So basically in this you have a fragment and a run on sentence because usually if we have an "if" statement, we need a "then" statement, and you're missing that. Then you also have this secondary question, which is a sentence on it's own. You should split off the secondary question of if she's trying to expose them to it's own sentence, and then add the "then" statement which is probably something like "If doing something like this would assist in furthering her plans, then how can we stop it?" or just rephrasing the question. "Is doing something like this furthering her plans?"

"had ordered the termination of the wolf"

This is very wordy.

"Actually, on the note of saying things that should not be said, or not saying things that should have been. Why the hell did you not tell us about his presence here?"

Um, another grammar problem. This time you need to mesh these sentences together. The way you have this means that you're bringing "On the note of saying things that ..." that whole part? That's just an aside to introduce the topic, which you then cut off into it's own sentence because you made it too long. I'd suggest trimming one of those phrases out.

"You are not my Alpha, you have done nothing that says you deserve for me to tell you anything"

This type of syntax is a problem. "You have done nothing that says you deserve me to tell you anything" is awkward because of the "for" and if you take it out, it's still wordy, but it's not grammatically wrong.

"Before long, she would be would be disrespecting him"

yeah, you repeated it.

So in the top-middle section, there are quite a few problems, but they are like the ones I've already listed, so I'm not going to repeat myself.

"There was no tracker around that was better he."

You have some missing words here.

Alright, so overall, you need more descriptions of waht places look like and how many people are in in the rooms, things like that. I have a very hard time picturing any of this. For instance, I didn't think Malcome was a part of this group, I thought he was somewhere else, like the leader of Aflenthia's pack so he was off leading the pack. Now I find out he's actually with the group? What?

Every chapter, and every scene change should have some general cataloguing of what's going on, who is where, and so forth.

Other than that, the major problem I'm seeing with your writing is mostly finding some way to connect it to the reader. After reading this really long chapter, I can't say I care about what happens to any of these people. I'm not emotionally invested in them because they're all so caught up with respect and immaturity, that they could all get shot and I'd be like "whatever" emotionally. You had a really good chance to connect us to Aflenthia when she confronted Logan, but you didn't give me enough internal thought to really make me care about her. It was just a quickly done scene, and then it was done.

As a secondary thought, this should be broken up into more chapters. You have enough here to make two or three chapters, one for one day, one for the next. The scene with catching the criminals should really be it's own chapter. As it is, this feels too long.

I hope this helps!

I'll work on the grammar and the other things you pointed out, thank you! And I don't write in chapters. I've just been posting every ten pages as I write them.

User avatar
shaniac
Review
shaniac wrote a review · Tue Jun 12, 2018 1:16 am

Hello, shaniac here to review this chapter!

The dialogue between the two characters, Xayln and Mamba, is a nice way of opening it. It is a nice transition in from the last one. It also kind of shows some character description of Xayln, who doesn't like to be called boy when he is something of higher power. Ooh, and Mamba is the type who can't be trusted to keep secrets. I'm kind of wondering what other secret Mamba might break later as this novel continues.

I also like about this chapter is that there is a direct difference is how the characters are talking. From few chapters I've read, it is a nice touch and an interesting way of fleshing out your characters a bit more. Though, the one thing I'd like to point out is that there are a lot of characters in one place in paragraph 10. You don't really give the person reading this much of an indicator as to who Aflenthia. I think you could provide a bit of information on her so it makes a bit more sense later on to those that will be reading it.

There is a lot of dialogue that happens in this chapter. I do think that it is important to have people talking back and forth with one another, but I also think that you should have some plot points that happen between chapters to get the ball rolling. So, I suggest in later chapters and now, try focusing a bit on an important plot point and expanding upon it.

In the same vein as the previous paragraph, I would like some descriptions of the character and the setting that they are located. Through the beginning to where Xalyn leaves the inn in a huff. I think that time span, there should be a bit more imagery that is happening. What does the inn look like? How many people are inside? That sort of thing. Also, the transition into where Xalyn hears the wolf howl is kind of ironic because they were just talking about hunting the wolves and I enjoyed it.

When the group heads to figure out if the wolves are there, I got this odd feeling that maybe it wasn't wolves but perhaps someone else who was pretending to be wolves to try to bring in people. And the trouble of figuring it out is a bit puzzling when you consider that there could be more Lycan beings in the village that they were just at. Makes me also think that maybe later in this chapter or novel, they'll meet someone who is part werewolf.

When Xalyn tells Mamba that it is his fault that he made the King made, I thought it was Kaya who made him leave the establishment? Its kind of confusing to me and I suggest maybe rewriting it, a bit. Also, why did Aflenthia hold her arms out, knowing that Xalyn may just walk away? What was she doing her arms? Maybe you could expand upon that as well because I'm going to guess that maybe it has something to do with a calming energy or using her arm as a truce.

I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe Logan was the wolf that they heard and now he is coming to see Alfenthia, it seems to connect almost. Though, one thing. As a werewolf, I would think he would be bloodthirsty to just chomp on Alfenthia because you do mention that there is a canine shadow that surrounds him. But the other side of the coin is that Logan is a close friend or family member of Alfenthia, and just wanted to see her and catch her up on what was happening. It is kind of a nice thing to think about and a great way to expand upon a character.

He was no longer there, she Changed and followed his scent. He was not too much father, and he was sitting.


Is Changed important that it must be capitalized? You do mention it twice so I figured I'd ask and "father" should be changed to "farther". Also, is he still sitting in the alleyway or somewhere else? From just inferring, Logan may be somewhere else. Maybe describe the location a bit better to give a general idea of where he might be located!

The ending of this chapter is kind of shocking because not only do they figure out who the Rouge is, but also discover that the Council was lying to them the entire time. There is also the fact that Logan is planning on killing the rest of the people in the village to get back at them killing the forest. Then we have Malcolm, who was in the forest at the same time the group was. I do think you could give a bit of detail about who he is, or maybe you did with the previous chapter. I'm guessing there is going to be a lot of information in the previous chapter that I missed.

To cap, this was a very interesting chapter with a lot of things happening at once. I kind of liked the characters that you gave to the reader, but I do think you could try giving some better descriptions of them. Even when there is an action scene, I've learned that description are kind of important. The main conflict between each of the characters is slowly coming into light, along with the fact that Logan wants to kill a group of people. I can't wait to see what happens! Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!

User avatar
FashionGirl Comment

This part was great. Though I had some corrections to recommend at the 'tears entering her eyes' part. It would sound better if you use 'tears filled her eyes' or 'her eyes brimmed with tears'... That's it. No more corrections needed. Keep up the great work. I would be looking forward to the next part...

Thanks! I actually have the next 3 parts written...just need to do enough reviews to post them lol



Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle