This really doesn't have a chorus, verses or a bridge. Maybe you guys could pick out your favorite paragraph. Thanks a ton, Chrissie. P.S. Sorry it's so long; I was on a roll.
I'm so alive I can feel this room
all at once
when I close my eyes
I forget all the months
that past in the summer
when I was content on being lonely
Don't fall asleep
without thinking of me
and how I loved you through it all
and how my name brings a picture
a picture that covers your walls
like yours once did mine
don't love me again this time
When is it easy?
when are we not misunderstood?
please don't leave me
for the greater good
'cause I try
to fight
until night
comes back
to leave me just like you said
like you said
Shooting stars on your window sill
that old guitar won't pay the bills you say
your cello won't either babe
I've got you toungue tied now
Would you think of me
late at night
would you mind
if I invaded your dreams
would it be bad
would you be glad
Your face
it doesn't fill the emptyness
it's not the silence it breaks
it doesn't help me write a song
it helps me forget him.
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140,752 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
I like these lyrics! There is a complete story so that's great. :]
"I forget all the months
that past in the summer"
The word "past" is "passed" I'm not sure because I was just reading about homonyms...but you can keep it.
I just wanted to point out that towards the end, your rhythm breaks off in different branches. Rearranging a few lines can make it work better.
Oh, and this was my favorite line!!!!
" and how I loved you through it all
and how my name brings a picture "
Though, taking out one of the "ands" in one of the lines can help make the song sound better, too.
You did an amazing job and though it's not very deep because of some word usage, it does have meaning to it. Awesome! Keep on writing!
~Skyy.
@suicidallybeautiful don't worry about it. I thank you for your criticism! Thanks to everyone else, too. :)
Chrissie
Okay. So everyone is totally going to hate me after this. I DO like it. Don't forget that.
but here is my critique.
"When is it easy?
when are we not misunderstood?
please don't leave me
for the greater good" I don't understand this at all and I don't think it really has to do with the rest of the song. I think you should try to find something relevant to the story that fits instead. Also the "would it be bad, would you be glad" part kind of ruined it for me. I know everyone else likes it...I just find that it doesn't fit and makes me take the song a lot less seriously. On the other side of this, the first stanza was awesome and very catching, especially the part about being content with lonliness. I like that a lot and I think if some of the less fitting parts were worked on a little more it would be really good.
i like it. "Would you think of me
late at night
would you mind
if I invaded your dreams
would it be bad
would you be glad "
i think it would make a good chorus :]
I would use more punctuation. You used some now and then, but usually just for question marks. i see a few places that want a period or exclamation point :p
the piece by itself is beautiful though. I think you could go far with it, even though it is already good ^^
This was great!
It was very beautiful and had a ton of feeling.
I really love this!!!!!!!!!!!
It is so catchy and origonal and creative!!!!!!!!!! 
I love it!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! 
<3!!!!!! 
