The sand whirled and danced in front of my eyes….
*
“Can you do that?” Darius smiled crookedly, poison glinting in his eyes. The hall erupted in laughter.
*
The wind picked up with every passing second, I heard something fall.
*
“Running away finally, princess? Well, boys, that’s certainly cause for celebration!!” i thought I could hear their sneers for miles.
*
A lone hawk cried in fright and was blown away by the rising gale.
*
“If? There’s no if about it!!! You won’t survive, Arya, give it up!” concern or a lack of faith?
*
“Arya! We need to get away, the storm’s come sooner than we thought.” A deep, male voice broke my living nightmares.
I blinked and returned to the present at once. Nodding, I said, “I hope you haven’t taken off the saddles?”
Jafar stopped loading his pack and turned to look at me with barely disguised annoyance, “I haven’t.” was all that he said.
I hadn’t taken anything out so I jumped and settled into my horse’s saddle and waited for Jafar to finish. When he was done, we set off at once, the wind pressing against our backs and whistling in our ears. Our horses didn’t need any steering.
Every living creature knows how to run away from danger.
We rode away from the storm. Sandstorms in deserts can be quite deadly. Confused, lost, engulfed in darkness with sand in their eyes, people had been known to die if caught in them.
Though, getting lost is easy at any time, with nothing but sand and gorse bushes stretching for miles all around, there was no easy way to find a path. Jafar and I had to find the merchant road before dark that day. We had been wandering for almost a week and tempers were running high.
“Stop now, we need to eat. It’s been long.” I said after a few more hours. We had outrun the storm and were now back to our original hopeless quest.
“What we really need….is a tracker.” Jafar said without stopping his horse and without looking at me,” If we keep stopping for food, we’ll never be able to find the road. Just hold on for some more time, will you.” I couldn’t make out what he muttered after that.
I sighed, admitting that he was right, I followed. We didn’t find the track in a few hours. We didn’t find the track after our dinner break when we decided to continue searching even in the dark. We didn’t find it all throughout the next day.
When our patience had been worn thin and Jafar had given up cursing me for all the misfortune that had befallen him, we found some wheel tracks. Looking at them, we smiled for the first time in days. But trail following was just as hard as finding one.
The wind blows hard in the deserts. The sand shifted, got messed up so the tracks would just disappear sometimes and we would have to guess their direction. We wandered off track again and it took us another day to finally hit the main road to the city.
Heaving a sigh of relief, we fell in line with merchants and travellers as they completed the last part of their journey.
Camels and horses restlessly waited, hawkers from the city attacked the travellers, insects buzzed and I waited, fighting impatience. The gates were within sight, they stood tall, twenty feet high with a wall of similar height extending on either side. They were wide open but the crowd always got unruly at the entrance and sorting out the chaos took time.
Jafar had already started counting out money, keeping it ready for the supplies we would need after reaching. I wished I could find a way to pass time like he always did. He looked up at me.
“ Do we make camp somewhere or find an inn?”
I thought about it, “We might as well go to an inn. What’s wrong with some travellers staying for a couple of weeks? By the time the trouble starts, we’ll be gone.”
Jafar nodded,” The King’s palace is at the centre, let’s take a look at it first. We need to get more information.”
The line started moving and soon our horses trotted in through the gates. Nothing about the city struck me as different. Bricks of brown and dull gold formed houses that stood in rows, carts were pulled down narrow streets, people bustled and hurried in all directions, dogs weaved in and out of the crowds, dust swirled and familiar scents filled the air.
No one needed directions in Persia. Smells of spice and perfume led to the markets, raucous laughter indicated the taverns, the loud calls for prayers showed the way to the mosques, groups of children meant that the schools were nearby and the wider, cleaner streets went to the richer districts and the palace.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Comments
So, about the dream at the beginning. I didn't know that was a dream 'til I read a little further. I would probably add the ** before and after everything was finished in the dream. It is a little neater and easy to understand. Just a thought to ponder on, of course.
Just make sure that you capitalize I". ^.^
Over All
Over all it was a great story, though I am a bit confused. To me, it seemed like everything was rushed and had no time to be actually told about. You know what I mean? I love the last paragraph, it tells about the city and gives it a good image for the reader. I like the sudden hint you dropped as you had the two characters talking about where to stay, makes it more interesting. Great story and as usual, if you have any questions feel free to send me a message! If you have any more work, I don't mind doing those either! Keep on writing my friend and sorry this review is short! O.O Thank you for your time,
-Knight Onyx
I'll start off by saying that this story seems to have quite a lot of potential. The mystery is tantalizing, the characters are intriguing, and I'm in love with the setting. However, there are also quite a few grammar/usage/ect. errors, stylistic inconsistencies and downright confusing metaphors. Since I think the good stuff in here speaks for itself, I'll get right down to the nit-picking (your writing will be in quotation marks, and my commentary will be outside).
Also, the "I" should be capitalized.
"Darius smiled crookedly, poison glinting in his eyes." While the first part of this sentence is good, how exactly is poison supposed to "glint" in someone's eyes? I think I see what you're trying to do here (namely, get across that Darius is not a nice guy) but it ends up being confusing and difficult to read. I'd suggest changing it to something like "the glint in his eyes was like poison."
"The wind picked up with every passing second, I heard something fall." This is just a comma splice, which, while easy to fix, will look really awful if left unremedied. Just replace the comma with a period and you'll be fine.
"...celebration!!” i thought..." An informal rule that you're better off sticking to is that you can use either one of three exclamation points, but not two The same thing applies to periods!
" Confused, lost, engulfed in darkness with sand in their eyes, people had been known to die if caught in them." While there isn't anything wrong with the sentence as-is, it would be more powerful if you reversed it.
"We had outrun the storm and were now back to our original hopeless quest." While the bit about their "original hopeless quest" is lovely, the first part of this sentence raises the issue of "show, don't tell." You'd be better off describing how they outran the storm.
"...tempers were running high." Since there are only two people here, I'd recommend changing it to "our tempers were running high."
"Just hold on for some more time, will you." This should be changed to "Just hold on for a bit longer, will you?"
That's really all I have to say on the matter. As I said, this looks like it's shaping up to be a really great story; just keep an eye on your grammar and make sure that people will be able to understand your metaphors.
I wish you luck as you continue this story!
woah!! thank you so much, I need the help
I'll go about correcting this
You're welcome, and I'm glad I was able to assist you.
While reading this chapter, from start to finish I was very intrigued. I absolutely love how you set up the landscape and painted a picture of Persia for the reader. However, I feel like I didn't know much about your character and her emotions. How does she feel when she hears people taunting her? How does she feel about Jafar (Is he her friend, brother, etc.)? I also didn't quite understand the beginning. Was it a dream, a flashback, or something else? Clearing that up would really enhance your story since the beginning captures the reader's interest really well. A couple of grammatical things: When one of the characters says, "Running away finally, princess? Well, boys, that’s certainly cause for celebration!!” The "I" following that dialogue should be capitalized. And when the character says, “If? There’s no if about it!!! You won’t survive, Arya, give it up!” I don't understand what follows after it: concern or lack of faith? It should probably be capitalized and clear that Arya is thinking these words. Otherwise, I couldn't find anything to edit. If you want, you could make your paragraphs slightly longer before breaking them up. I love where your story is going and I'd like to know more about Arya and Jafar. There are many things that leave me wondering and hoping for more. Great story, keep it up!
Yeah, I'll work on the emotions part... I have noticed it too. I wanted to keep the beginning a little mysterious, so i kept it like that but I'll think about that. Thanks a lot, I'll continue !!
