War drums beat, people cry,
not tears of sorrow but tears of joy.
It was the day, the final day,
the much awaited day, the overdue day.
I stood at the head, legs tensed,
thrown forward by the surge of people breaking free.
'Free? are you mad?!' the'd asked,
'Free?thats impossible!' they'd said,
but not one of them had dared to laugh
for a dream lurked under the veil of fear.
And now that we stood there, at the dawn of something new,
i allowed myself a smile,
and war drums were beaten, people cried,
not pleas of mercy but a promise of revenge.
When the order was given,
hearts soared, feet thundered,
and age old stones crumbled
and on that day, that overdue day,
man, woman, child- not one was left behind.
And war drums were still beaten, people still cried,
not a salute to injustice but the judgement of truth.
Arrows rained, bullets flew,
symbols of tyranny were torn
and a new flag was born,
a new era was born, a new age was born,
and on that day, that overdue day,
humanity was reborn.
And war drums beat, people cry,
not from the misery of domination
but from the triumph of revolution.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
129,275 Literary Works • 671,501 Reviews
Heya Mystique! Pompadour here for a review! OK, so first off, I absolutely love the general idea behind this poem of yours! I liked how you showed revolution as triumph, as a kind of judgement where it is the leaders who are placed on trial. Very nice!
There's always room for improvement, though. Like over here:
So, over here it looks like you're repeating yourself to such an extent that what you're trying to say loses meaning. When I read it, it looked really jumbled up and fast-paced. Whenever I read a poem, I always imagine this teeny-tiny voice reading it out loud to me, (sometimes I read it out loud myself) and y'know how you repeat "day" again and again? It saturates the poem, like too much water oozes out of the soil. I feel this bit would be more effective if the "days" were all in separate lines. This is free-verse you're going for, right? If so, then it'd probably look something like this:
But personally, while the first bit (the day, the final day) lays an impact, the second part just... lingers away, dampening the entire mood. So I'd suggest you twitch the words over in the second ( much awaited, overdue) bit so it doesn't look lie you're unnecessarily repeating yourself anymore.
I liked your general tone throughout the poem. It was brisk, firm, and yet slightly scared. It was like this looming figure that spoke out to me: "Are you paying attention? Good. Because this is how the world works."
You have a couple of nitpicks here:
The "a" in "are" should be capitalized. "the'd" should be "they'd." And you missed out an apostrophe in "thats," and the "t" here should be capitalized as well. But no matter, they're just minor mistakes. Happen all the time. ^_^
Also, maybe this is just me, but I feel like your poem would be able to convey more to us had you divided it up into stanzas. It would be easier to read, I feel.
I like how you said:
Powerful opening lines. I like it!
Overall, this poem is really good, but could still use some work. It's a bit vague, but with a bit of chopping up, a few additions here and there ( maybe some historical references..?) this has the potential to be an I-will-knock-your-socks-off-into-the-tundra kinda poem!
So keep it up! Keep writing!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Hi there!
Title of the poem makes me a little unnerved. The overdue judgment reminds me of something horrible. But it also sounds like a hope for the oppressed people. You take some of the issues that are happening around you / the world (The issue of injustice) as the main subject of the poem. With the tone of voice that seems a bit harsh and cynical, you criticize how we face the injustice and war that has been going around.
I noticed that you want to highlight this line in the poem. It's like a repetition to create the various effects within the poem.
Title in the poem coincide with those given within the poem. Every injustice will be judged and the new world will be built every time the old one fall. I really like the concept here.
I also like how it ended up here. I agree with NiteOwl, some part of the poem can be cut to be shortened but will still able to deliver the same message. We do not have to repeat the same idea in each line. Keep it up!
kudos, cheers.
Hi there Mystique! Nite here to review for the Beasts from the East this fine Review Day!
Now, overall, I think this has promise. There is some good imagery, and the repetition of the war drums and people crying made a nice transition.
However, I think the main issue with this piece is that it feels a bit vague. What is this revolution all about? Who are these enemies and what did they do? What do the fighters want that they currently aren't getting? Freedom is great and all, but it means different things to different people, so it's not a sufficient explanation. I'm not sure if this is based off something real or more imagined, but being a bit more clear about the causes involved would help the reader empathize with the speaker more.
Now some more technical nitpicks.
The repetition feels a bit overboard here. I'd keep the first line but smooth out the second to "much awaited and overdue"
Again, the repetition here doesn't add anything. For the flag, I'd think something related to fabric might be better, like sewn or cut. That could even work nicely with the "symbols of tyranny torn", like they're taking the old pieces and making something great. If you wanted to keep the birth idea, you could even play with imagery based off labor/childbirth. It's a bit gruesome, but then revolution usually is.
About the punctuation: I agree that the sentences feel long and you should try to make them shorter. The listing of "X happened and Y and Z and A, B, C, etc." makes a boring and hard to read sentence, especially in poetry. It's also at odds with the idea of the poem, with revolution being shorter and choppier. When using small words like "and", think about whether you really need them.
Overall, I think you have a great idea here, but it could be more developed and specific. Keep writing!
Hello Mystique, I'm Genesis and I'll be your Reviewer for today!
First thing I noticed there was a lot of capitalization errors, I believe it takes away from the poem that has such a demanding beat to it. Next thing I liked about this poem is you can visualize a lot of what's going on during it, you can almost hear the war drums beating while reading this. Now in poetry the rules of grammar are a lot more loose, but that doesn't mean they're not there. Commas are numerous thoughout this writing but there is very few in the way of Periods, there are numerous places you could use a period. I feel this poem could have been done better, because while this flows nicely, the lack of grammar really causes problems and sometimes can make it unreadable.
This has been Genesis and this is your review, have a good day!
Thanks for pointing it out
i have corrected some of it now but because there are so many ands i've let the sentences be long. thanks again!
Good poem. Amazing actually. You should give me some tips, cause the stuff I don't get how to put you do perfectly.
LOL. Keep it up:)
not from the misery of domination
but from the triumph of revolution.
- I like the words you chose. Very descriptive.
Good job. I don't really see any horrible mistakes, or bad one's. Maybe its me in awe of your poem.
thank you so much!! glad u liked it. what do u usually have trouble with? do u prefer prose or poetry?