I hope that every unicorn I kill goes down to hell
Cuz my mother would find it funny and let her know...
My mother was a nihilist through and through and through
She'd even tell you too
She was a not too great mother with little beating in her chest
Wasn't much, just my mother and I love my mother so
So much so I'd take a knife and carve into a unicorn
Send it straight to hell for her to know.
Carve
"I love you,
Cuz I love you mom
and that'll never change."
*
My mother was a drinker
Heaviest I ever saw. Much
Much heavier than me and my two PBRs.
She sat me down at three and slurred a mess at me
Mumbled an incantation that put a curse on me
"Everyone is Everything
and everyone is bad.
Everything is Everyone
and everything'll never change.
But hey it's not all bad
Cuz one thing I'm happy will never, ever change
I love you,
Cuz I love you kid
and that'll never change."
I love you,
Cuz I love you kid
and that'll never change.
*
Mom,
Hope you're havin' fun in hell to this very day
Hope you have your daily scotch with Satan and his crew
Hope they're laughing at all your dark jokes and silly stories too I hope,
I hope everything's better for you.
No women should jump off a bridge screamin'
"Everyone is Everything and Everyone is Bad!
Everything is Everyone and Everything'll Never Change!"
And not get a solid part 2.
Make that men too.
*
Every day I wake up and I hope to find outside
A dead, rotting unicorn in my dad's front yard
With scars that line up like the funny pictures in the stars
A message from my mother that I'm sure,
I'm sure I'd find:
"I love you,
Cuz I love you kid
and that'll never change."
I love you,
Cuz I love you mom
and that'll never,
ever change.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hi there, just wanted to leave some of my thoughts on your piece.
So I feel like you were really going for the shock factor in this piece and that was the main element I got through. It was reminiscent of the anti-poetry movement as there was very little figurative language, and the language that was used was harsh, dark, and disjointed in places. I can't say it was very Fahrvergnügen , in other words I didn't so much enjoy reading this as was shocked and disturbed by it. But, like I said earlier I'm assuming that you wrote this to get an emotion and reaction across not to right a cute little flowery poem, so I respect you for going for it in that regard.
I liked all of the references to the parents in this piece, it made the whole unicorn thing seem like a lash out or symbol to talk about what is really bothering the speaker - the relationship with their mom and dad. I think it would be interesting if at some point you make this analysis more direct and give some description of the mom that only fits the unicorn or vice-versa.
The part where you repeat the mantra, "everything is everything"... seemed like a section that was supposed to be really deep and philosophical but I couldn't quite catch the meaning of it. It sounded a bit Buddhist or holistic I guess, but I couldn't quite understand it. You might consider taking an actual quote from some philosophy and incorporating it, or delving a bit more into what you're actually trying to say there.
Overall a shocking piece to read, that I think has some room for improvement here and there. Good luck in all of your future writing!
~alliyah
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Okay, wow. Just, wow. That was halarious, creepy, and heart warming all at once. It was glorious, that's all I got to say is glorious. The only thing I saw that mind need fixing is a couple of spelling errors-- I think. I wouldn't know, my spelling is offal. Sooo.... Yeah, you can get the picture. I really like this though!
Dear MrTalljoker,
Hmm. This poem was a little strange. Not exactly what I was expecting. I'll go over some specifics first and then do some overall notes.
I had to read this line again (line 2) because I couldn't get the hang of what it meant. "Let her know..." sounds a little vague and even with the next line after it, I'm still not sure I understand what it's supposed to mean. Unless it is supposed to attach with the next line and is meaning to let her know that she is a nihilist. But, either way, I'm a little confused.
I like the ending of this line, but the beginning is a little awkward. I had to read it again to understand what it meant, and I feel it would sound smoother if you were to write "She was not too great a mother" placing the 'a' between "great" and "mother" instead of "was" and "not."
First of all, I love you because I love you sounds a little strange. Unless it's saying I do just 'cause I do. Like there's no reason for it, but it sounds a little awkward for the reason for loving someone is that you love them. Do you see what I mean? Though, after reading the rest of the poem it seemed to smoothen out.
Second, "Cuz" is more popularly known as the short version of "cousin" which is still slang. If you want it to be the short version of "because" it's spelled: 'cause.
Third, "mom" should be capitalized because it's referring to a person by name. If it were "my mom" then it wouldn't need to be capitalized because it's a possessive noun or something like that. Since "mom" is being used as a name, it needs to be spelled "Mom."
Now for overall notes. It says that the character's mother is in hell. Which is kind of cool actually because it differs from a lot of the poems I read now. I'd like to just mention that I don't really see how unicorns fit into this. If you're trying to make it sound more ritualistic or to make it known that the animal is fragile and innocent, but it's being carved into and sent to hell, I would recommend replacing the unicorn with a sheep or lamb, because they are a more ritualistic animal.
Anyhow, overall, your poem seemed to flow nicely, and it surprised me, in that that it's very different from what I was expecting.
Hope my notes were helpful.
Sincerely, Bailey Matwiiw.