I want to remember
our first kiss,
our first date,
our inside jokes,
our fights,
our embraces.
Nothing comes to mind
though...
Ida,
that's right.
That was it.
I tried writing it on my hand,
it washed off.
I'll try to remember,
I'll try.
I got you some flowers.
What was your favorite?
Lilies,
petunias,
daffodils?
I can't recall.
Should've written it down.
Maybe I forgot,
maybe it didn't seem important.
I miss you...
Ida,
that's right.
I can't remember a single detail about you.
I love you.
I know that.
Was I
a good husband?
I can't recall.
I'm trying to spot you
in our family photos.
I keep getting mixed up
though.
I just can't tell.
Is it a mother?
A sister?
An aunt?
I can't recall.
I try,
I try,
I really
do try...
Ida.
I wish
I wrote it all down.
Every last detail,
every last memory.
The doctors say
I don't have long.
My brain
is almost gone.
I'm not sad.
I just can't
be.
Because
when I'm dead
I'll be buried
right next to you.
I miss you...
I miss you...
What was your name?
I can't recall.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hi MrTallJoker,
I really liked your poem. I'll just do some nit-picking! I hope you don't mind.
"I'll try to remember,
I'll try."
I'm not sure about this, I think you should play with the words a bit more here.
"I got you some flowers.
What was your favorite?"
Instead of what, what about, which.
Maybe I forgot,
(Obviously, you forgot) What about only "I forgot"
Keep working on it! There's A LOT of potential in it.
Thank you for your suggestions.
Hello MrTallJoker! CHRISSY321 here to review your awesome poem here!
), but at first I was confused with 'Ida' but I think I have figured it out though, but I just wanted to clarify-That is his wife-right? I am 99.9999% sure, but just wanted to be 100% 
. I think that also the simple message that this had was beautiful. There are some great times to be had in a marriage, and I know it would be horrible to forget, and to know if you were dying. You really connect with the reader,and you really suck them in while reading your poem-which is awesome 
(And do not worry about the formatting, I thought it was perfectly fine)
This is such a sad poem! I love the type of mood you kept throughout, and that you did not change it every now and then, which is good. It may have been just me (because I can sometimes be a bit slow on the roll
There were no spelling of grammatical errors, so there is really nothing else for me to fix! I love the wording, and just pretty much everything about this poem!
I really hope to see you keep writing!
~Chrissy <3
Thank you for your kind words.
Hey Jocker,
Great job! your poem- its beautiful. I mean yeah its sad that, that guy is losing his mind and that his wife died but it still is beautiful. i love the flow of your poem. and the concept of forgetting your loved ones ,though is scary you did a great job in presenting it in the form of a poem.
Right from the first line of your poem I really enjoyed reading it.
Well done!
Fangirl~
P.S.-the format isnt actually hideous.
Hey Jocker,
Great job! your poem- its beautiful. I mean yeah its sad that, that guy is losing his mind and that his wife died but it still is beautiful. i love the flow of your poem. and the concept of forgetting your loved ones ,though is scary you did a great job in presenting it in the form of a poem.
Right from the first line of your poem I really enjoyed reading it.
Well done!
Fangirl~
P.S.-the format isnt actually hideous.
Thanks to my OCD, the formating is ugly to me. Thank you though for your kind words.
Hey, jocker.
I am not really a poetry reviewer. But recently, I have started to write poetry. So, I thought it would be good to do some reviews on poetry. Here's a review for your work
First, the title. Simple but it's all the poem needs. I think, it was well done. Then the theme of the poem- well, I have the same things that smith said about it. Truly, it's sadly great. At first, the lines catch you and then you read and read and dig deeper and they are just fragments at first but then slowly slowly they build up a story. It's really a good way of writing.
However, when I was reading the poetry, I felt like the poet or more precisely the narrator of the poetry or whoever is the "I", is saying all this without any order. I mean, at some points, I felt the writing was not attached. This may be due to your not using any stanza. So, one idea got mixed up with another. Like-
This line seemed to be out of the blue to me. I couldn't attach it with the idea of the previous line. Neither with the next line. You could have written it as a one-line stanza.
This confusion occurred in some other lines, too. I think, you should have separated the ideas using stanzas.
Also, the whole poem sounded like being told by someone who has lost the ability to arrange words in a good way for his mental illness or bad functions of his brain. Maybe that's what you tried to show.
And the poem did sound a bit repeating. Like, you were saying the same thing again and again. Maybe a little bit variation, a little bit, not much, would sound better.
That's all from me. Hope the review helps.
Thank you for your review. I agree with you on the stanzas, the actual work used what you were talking about, but thanks to YWS awful formating options, I couldnt do that. But other then that, thank you for your critique and kind words.
You are most welcome.
Well, the formatting is a bit different. I hope you do know the shift enter thing.
awwwww no, this made me sad! Why would you do that to me?
But seriously. This was really well done. Well written, good word choice, hit me right in the feels - and that's kind of the point of writing, isn't it? To make the reader feel something. So you did a great job at that. The start really sucked me in, because with the start - talking about inside jokes and what not - is sort of something everyone can relate to - and then I got to the end and my heart was broken. Sorry I dont really have any constructive criticism to give you, just praise!
Thank you for your kind words.