Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
The wasteland was a borin' place
With nothin' much ta do.
Dodgin' shells
Ta scavenge junk
Ta trade it all
For shitty food.
__________
So!
Imagine
My joy!
Picture
The thrill!
Fell
That badass,
Kickass,
Major, awesome
Heart attack
I felt
When I saw
Her!
The wasteland girl!
My post-doom world!
__________
Rockin' body,
Rockin' soul,
Just like the punk rock bards of old.
No wasteland can handle us!
No raider dare mess with us!
No day is a lame one
With my
Wasteland girl!
My badass,
Kickass,
Major, awesome
Heart attack
Dream girl!
The wasteland girl!
My post-doom world!
__________
We'll see every part of the waste,
Map the whole thing out!
We'll stare at every blasted star,
Count all them out!
We'll fight the world together
Till together, its lights out!
I begged her
and begged her
"Oh please always be,
The girl that'll always be,
That girl who makes me feel
That badass,
Kickass,
Major, awesome
Heart attack!
Please, oh please be
My wasteland girl!
My post-doom world!"
___________
We often look to the stars,
All one million and three,
And wonder how our world
Came to be.
The pre-boomers probably saw us in some
Corporate crystal ball.
Threw a fit in jealousy
And decided ta blow it all!
Cuz at that very moment
They knew they'd never have
A girl standin' by 'em
Like the girl that I got!
They knew it was sadly true,
That they'll never, ever have
The girl that'll always be,
That girl that'll make ya feel
A badass,
Kickass,
Major, awesome
Heart attack
Like her!
My wasteland girl!
My post-doom world.
Don't get me wrong. this is a good piece, but it's a little cheesy. It's like reading a romance novel adaption of Fallout. the usual Post-Apocalyptic boy meeting post-apocalyptic girl situation.
"The wasteland was a borin' place
With nothin' much ta do.
Dodgin' shells
Ta scavenge junk
Ta trade it all
For shitty food."
Now, the way you depict the wastelander's lifestyle is pretty well done. Anyway, Hope you do well in your writing. Kman134.
Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with a review for you!
I definitely felt a punk-rock vibe throughout this poem, which I really enjoyed. It makes me want to bust out the old electric, distort the hell out of it, and put this thing to music! (I won't though, because it is your poem haha.)
Anywho, while I liked the punk song kind of vibe I got from it, your imagery and vocabulary could use some improvement. Your poem started out strong, and then it kind of dwindled. Your vocabulary got progressively more simple and there was a lot of repetition that made the poem start to drag after a while. Repetition is a tricky thing. If used correctly, it can be powerful. However, often it just ends up just being filler and that makes the poem drag.
So!
Imagine
My joy!
Picture
The thrill!
Fell
That badass,
Kickass,
Major, awesome
Heart attack
I felt
When I saw
Her!
This is Kaos here for a review!
I felt like that this could be potentially good, but I had mixed feelings on what was here. It almost felt like satire on what you had here, and I don't know if that's what you were going for, but that's what I thought it could end up being if you chose to. I felt it was this way and kind of took it that way because of the amount of exclamation marks you used and the style of wording you used.
Taking this as an actual romance poem as you described in the description, I couldn't take it very seriously with the amount of exclamation marks and all that kind of thing that you use in this poem. Another thing that I noticed is that your lines are short and don't really do anything to really expand on the imagery. The lines also often repeated a lot and I thought as an actual poem it didn't really work for me in the use of repetition. As for your imagery, I wanted you to expand on it. Give the reader more detail than what it is now. The lines are too short for any of this to happen and you do a lot of listing. For example:
So!
Imagine
My joy!
Picture
The thrill!
Fell
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