Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
The wasteland was a borin' place
With nothin' much ta do.
Dodgin' shells
Ta scavenge junk
Ta trade it all
For shitty food.
__________
So!
Imagine
My joy!
Picture
The thrill!
Fell
That badass,
Kickass,
Major, awesome
Heart attack
I felt
When I saw
Her!
The wasteland girl!
My post-doom world!
__________
Rockin' body,
Rockin' soul,
Just like the punk rock bards of old.
No wasteland can handle us!
No raider dare mess with us!
No day is a lame one
With my
Wasteland girl!
My badass,
Kickass,
Major, awesome
Heart attack
Dream girl!
The wasteland girl!
My post-doom world!
__________
We'll see every part of the waste,
Map the whole thing out!
We'll stare at every blasted star,
Count all them out!
We'll fight the world together
Till together, its lights out!
I begged her
and begged her
"Oh please always be,
The girl that'll always be,
That girl who makes me feel
That badass,
Kickass,
Major, awesome
Heart attack!
Please, oh please be
My wasteland girl!
My post-doom world!"
___________
We often look to the stars,
All one million and three,
And wonder how our world
Came to be.
The pre-boomers probably saw us in some
Corporate crystal ball.
Threw a fit in jealousy
And decided ta blow it all!
Cuz at that very moment
They knew they'd never have
A girl standin' by 'em
Like the girl that I got!
They knew it was sadly true,
That they'll never, ever have
The girl that'll always be,
That girl that'll make ya feel
A badass,
Kickass,
Major, awesome
Heart attack
Like her!
My wasteland girl!
My post-doom world.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Don't get me wrong. this is a good piece, but it's a little cheesy. It's like reading a romance novel adaption of Fallout. the usual Post-Apocalyptic boy meeting post-apocalyptic girl situation.
"The wasteland was a borin' place
With nothin' much ta do.
Dodgin' shells
Ta scavenge junk
Ta trade it all
For shitty food."
Now, the way you depict the wastelander's lifestyle is pretty well done. Anyway, Hope you do well in your writing. Kman134.
Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with a review for you!
I definitely felt a punk-rock vibe throughout this poem, which I really enjoyed. It makes me want to bust out the old electric, distort the hell out of it, and put this thing to music! (I won't though, because it is your poem haha.)
Anywho, while I liked the punk song kind of vibe I got from it, your imagery and vocabulary could use some improvement. Your poem started out strong, and then it kind of dwindled. Your vocabulary got progressively more simple and there was a lot of repetition that made the poem start to drag after a while. Repetition is a tricky thing. If used correctly, it can be powerful. However, often it just ends up just being filler and that makes the poem drag.
I understood what you were trying to do here, but it just didn't work. The lines in this stanza are much shorter than the other stanzas, and it isn't very descriptive at all. You could spice things up a bit by adding some imagery. You never once described what this girl looked like other than that she had a "rockin' body". You could expand upon this so much more and in the process make your poem flow a little better, because the whole one or two word lines aren't really working for you.
I was also unsure of what is going on in this poem. At first it seemed like a love poem about a girl, but then you started to ramble a bit, and suddenly there's a "corporate crystal ball." Maybe it's just me, but I don't really understand this poem that well. I suggest adding more imagery and being more descriptive to provide your readers with some clarity.
Overall, I thought this was a nice poem, and I liked the punk undertones, but it is rather simple as it stands right now. However, it has a lot of potential, and with a little revising I think this could be a really kick-ass poem!
Anywho, that is all I have to say. I hope I wasn't too harsh! Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
This is Kaos here for a review!
I felt like that this could be potentially good, but I had mixed feelings on what was here. It almost felt like satire on what you had here, and I don't know if that's what you were going for, but that's what I thought it could end up being if you chose to. I felt it was this way and kind of took it that way because of the amount of exclamation marks you used and the style of wording you used.
Taking this as an actual romance poem as you described in the description, I couldn't take it very seriously with the amount of exclamation marks and all that kind of thing that you use in this poem. Another thing that I noticed is that your lines are short and don't really do anything to really expand on the imagery. The lines also often repeated a lot and I thought as an actual poem it didn't really work for me in the use of repetition. As for your imagery, I wanted you to expand on it. Give the reader more detail than what it is now. The lines are too short for any of this to happen and you do a lot of listing. For example:
It doesn't give the imagery any time to develop and I suggest instead of listing things and listing adjectives, put them into lines that are strong. I also suggest to cut down on the amount of exclamation marks and let the lines build onto each other instead of being and feeling singular. Not all of them have to directly connect, but it would be good if they followed each other up. That doesn't mean every line has to have a comma or semicolon after it either, not all lines have to be connected or take up more than one line space, and they don't have to be only one line.
The things like "Rockin' body, Rockin' soul" and using things like "Cuz" are the things that threw me off. It's your choice on what you want to use in the poem, but I didn't really find it benefiting the poem. It feels as if it's trying to act cool and it's a person with sunglasses on that's writing the poem and a bit it intercepts the message that's trying to be told. I feel that there's a more light tone to it, but I still think that there should be a level of sincerity there unless that's kind of what you're going for.
The end line of the poem actually interested me and it's what made me think that this was satire, or at least it added something to the poem that wasn't really in the rest of the lines, and that was sincerity. I didn't quite understand the message of what it meant, but it intrigued me as it was in the midst of the rest of the poem which was more lighthearted. I didn't quite know if you were going for it, but I was thinking that this was about a girl in the apocalypse or something of that sort throughout the poem, but I wasn't quite sure. It's something that if it is, you should clarify it better in the poem? Maybe it was just me who didn't catch on that well, but I don't know about that.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
nice bro howd you come up with it
Thanks. I can't honestly tell you where the idea came from, I just got the idea as I was driving down the road and thought it'd be a cute idea for a poem. Again, thanks for reading.