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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
On one hand, I really want to love this! It's a beautiful poem with lots of wonderful phrases. For instance, "moon illuminates the sidewalk/and tells us where to waltz" and "forever strangers" are among my favorite lines. However, I think you can do much more to make this poem really awesome!
1. Don't describe things too much -- when you said "wrapped up in their own lives" after the cool phrase "forever strangers," I thought that you had missed an opportunity to make a really cool metaphor or something.
2. When you said "this place arouses our five senses" I was kind of disappointed that you didn't take advantage and explain all five senses. You have visual and auditorial cues, and touching cues (in the dancing) but... no smells or taste. So, it seems kind of weird to me!
Anyway! I like it lot, so I will like it! But, you can do way better. Can't wait to see what this becomes... or, if this is the end product and you want to move one, I can't wait to see what you move on to.
Thank you for the criticisms! This has been an end product for a while, but I may go back and edit it. I had actually originally written this to include all five senses, but I didn't like how it came out, so I switched it a bit. But thank you again. I think I'll take some time to go over it and work on it.
Hm... maybe you can incorporate the taste of smog, or of lips, or of something of that nature? So, you have a startling image of taste that is different. I think with these different senses, the more startling you are, the better off everything will be!
I think this poem has a lot of emotion inside of it which I love. It is like you can feel this emotion in many ways and it lightens your heart. It made feel like I wanted to read more of the beauty we call love. I would enjoy reading more of your amazing poems.
Aw! Thanks!
I want to follow this....
This is a great poem. It certainly gives me a different perspective about the city life. I too live in the city, and its busy streets seem to blind me from seeing the greatness of it. The arts, the lights, the music. I do suggest you reread and check the grammar considering it is written presentense for the most part, except for the third line.
I also like how you reuse the phrase "let us" because it does grab the audience into your imagery.
Everything else seem to come into place, especially because you describe the place YOU love instead of how other people interpret it. Good job ^_^!
Thank you for that. I'm glad you said it like that!
I love this poem!
You gave me a feel of the city, and I love that. I can see all the lights, hear the hustle and bustle, and you made it sound so enchanting! You kind of made it sound like a fairy tale place, when in reality, we all know what its like to be in a city. It gave it a new look.
I love the way you described everything, and you put a second character in. And the waltzing and everything, I just love it! And how you "arouses our five senses" it was amazing!
I love this part:
Forever strangers pass each other
Wrapped up in their own lives.
Let’s run down the streets to feel our hearts,
New life is in the air;
Let’s dance to the sounds of the city--
There’s something waiting there
It gave it an adventurous feel. Very very nice work(: And well written. I hope to read more of your work!(:
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it!
You just gave me a review and I wanted to return the favor. c:
You have a lot of great, original imagery here. My favorite lines are the first, third, eighth, tenth, and eleventh. There are a few parts that don't shine as much, maybe because they're a little clichéd, specifically "a broken melody," "this place arouses our five senses," and maybe "new life is in the air."
It's a little weird grammatically. I feel like there's an overuse of semicolons and dashes, and you missed a period at the end. Also, the third line is weird because it's in future tense and the rest is in present tense.
The title seemed like a strange choice, especially with the "I" when you have so much "we" in the poem. Maybe "City Sounds" or something like that?
Otherwise, I really liked it!
Prolix
I like the mood you've set here, new and adventurous. And I didn't see any problems with grammar, spelling, layout, or anything else for that matter.
Though I would urge you to go a little bit deeper meaning-wise.(Even though it was great poem overall there's still some room for improvement).
My rating:9/10
My favorite part:
"Let's dance to the sounds of the city,
A broken melody."
Great opening line!
Keep it up!
w&w
Thank you!