I’m sad, I’m lonely and I’m scared,
At the center,
It’s you.
I’m confused, I’m empty, a black void,
I don’t know what I feel,
Do I feel? I just know,
It’s you.
I call you inspiration,
Even though that’s not your name.
You’ve made me change,
For what? I don’t know.
I just know,
It’s you.
I'm burning.
Inside is a fire,
Consuming me,
Eating me,
Killing me.
You don't know,
That's it's you.
I try to fight you,
To push you away,
To make you leave,
You refuse.
I just know,
It’s you.
You are there,
In the back of my mind,
A phantom, haunting me.
I refuse to speak your name,
I try to ignore you.
It’s hopeless.
It’s just you.
How could you know,
What you have done?
You are only a memory,
Yet you are real.
It's just you.
You are a ghost, a phantom,
That was sent to give me pain,
Unknowing, of what you did,
Of the wreck you have made,
If only you knew, But you don't.
My vain efforts to erase you,
Are useless.
You just don't know,
That it's you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey, Mockingjay78! Scythe here to do a quick review
First of all, this poem isn't sorted into stanzas. If you are unaware of that layout then I highly suggest researching about it; stanzas are a vital part of poetry and that structure is very important in the reading process but also the writing process. It makes it easier to group ideas together and reading is all the more easier. I highly suggest arranging the lines into stanzas. I do know there's a problem with formatting or something on this website, I'm not sure how you can fix it, but I usually use a hyphen (-) to separate the stanzas.
In terms of the poem itself, if I'm being brutally honest, it was a bore. I liked the concept, but it was lacking unique imagery and I felt let down. Most of the words used were plain and it became a repeated cycle throughout the entirety of the poem. I'd prefer something that could really make me connect to the message, but this poem wasn't that. If you were to rewrite this with flavour and passion, I'd love to read it!
Good job none the less
- ScytheMeister
Hey, I'm here to review!
I can see the poem having no stanzas, so perhaps this is an issue of formatting in YWS. In that case, I'm going to share you How to Format Poetry to help you format your poem.
Now that's been settled, let's get into this.
What I would to recommend to you is to put more imagery in this poem. Imagery is a traditional literary device in poetry, and it would aid readers in imagining the current situation and let them understand the situation more. Let us take the first three lines, for example:
Here we can imagine there's someone, You, in the center of perhaps the persona's mind. That's the surface image. Explore more. How does the background look like? Perhaps it's reflective to the persona's current state of mind, so show us that. Lonely and scared can be represented by a black world that seems to have no end, or by the relentless pouring of rain, and in the middle is You, glowing brightly, smiling as if it can cast away the background as something insignificant. This is just an example, but experiment with the image you have in mind. Explore and bring out more details.
Talking about exploring, I would suggest you to explore the theme of your poem. It's obvious You is a crucial part in the persona's life, so elaborate more on that. For example, these lines:
This isn't enough. If I have to liken it with a food, this is just snacks, a temporary food. I'll digest it today and forget it tomorrow. I want something more complete, something more poignant. So, You changes the persona. How? Why? If you can't give a direct answer, give me hints so that I can interpret them by my own and reach my own conclusion. That would give me satisfaction in digesting this poem. This suggestion also applies in other lines where it is needed (which I'm sure you can identify yourself
Anyway, that is all! Keep improving, and notify me if you've made a second draft for this!
Thank you so much! Will definitely notify you.
Hey there, sunshine!
Kat here for a late-night review (Woo!).
I think the main issue that I'm having with your poem is the amount of repetition that seems to take over the entire plot/narration. Don't get me wrong, sometimes repetition really adds to the effect of the poem and deviously inserts a certain concept or image into the readers' mind... But, for this one, it's a little too much, and it caused me to lose grasp of your main point. I'm still unsure, for example, who "you" is. Clearly, "you" is someone that remains hidden yet constant and that the narrator wishes to eradicate from their life, but that's all I really got from this.
Perhaps, it'd be best if you could add in a little more imagery/description in order to better characterize "you" so that readers like me can better understand the plot? Just a suggestion.
Either way, this poem is wonderful as it is, and it's awesome that you're applying cool literary strategies like repetition and syntax!!
Keep writing!