Chapter 1
You ever wake up to the feeling that something is seriously wrong? If you haven’t, get down on your knees and say thank you right now, because this story that I’m about to tell will make your ordinary day look like heaven.
It was Saturday morning, and I had slept in late after working the night shift at the hospital. Now the first thing that I noticed when I walked into the kitchen was that the refrigerator door was open. I thought that since I was so tired I had forgot to close it all the way, but as I got closer, I saw that something was dripping off the handle. Walking up to it, I saw that a green slime had covered the whole door handle. You think this would have made me think: “hm, that’s not right.” Why didn’t I? I lived with my sister who was a great practical joker. I thought that this was one of her jokes. “Very funny Natalie” I called. She didn’t answer, probably still asleep. I glanced at the clock, it was 9:00 and time for us to start the day. Walking into her room, I saw her still in bed, totally out, with curtains drawn. I lifted up the blinds and the room was flooded with light, and she still didn’t move. My sister could sleep through a hurricane sometimes, so I began jumping on the bed which should have woke her up. If it had been Natalie.
Instead, the covers flipped back, and laying in the bed was a mannequin that looked exactly liked Natalie! The long hair that she had dyed blue yesterday, those emerald green eyes and the necklace with the charm of a dragon breathing fire around her throat. I would have thought this another one of her practical jokes, but the expression in the eyes convinced me that this was no joke, nor a nightmare. Sadly. The…..things…..eyes were filled with pure horror, the kind you only see in your worst nightmare. I meant to jump, but fell off the bed instead as I scrambled for the door. I grabbed the door handle and tried to turn it, but I snatched my hand away and stared with horror at the palm. The door handle was so hot that it had burned my hand, but the burn was taking the shape of a skull with a scroll underneath. I hadn’t been burned, I had been branded!
A thump made me look up, and I began to scream, and scream, and scream, till I had to take a breath or pass out on the floor. The mannequin was sitting up in the bed and staring at me, and….and…..the…...mouth….was…..twisted into a…...hideous grin. As I stood watching in terrified fascination, the..thing..stood up, and began to walk slowly towards me with arms outstretched. I was in a fix. I was still stuck against the door, and here came this alien mannequin walking towards me, probably with the intent to strangle me. I was starting to panic. My sister had been turned into an alien mannequin, I would probably end up dead, (which was not an inviting prospect) and my death would probably be cause by my own sister! It was all to much, and just as the mannequin reached me, everything went black, and I fainted.
When I woke up, I was lying on a bed, with my hands tied to the headboard. I had no idea where I was, but as my eyes slowly adjusted to the dark, I saw other beds with other figures on them. Suddenly something (or someone) whispered my name.
“June?” the voice sounded suspiciously like my sisters voice.
“N-Natalie!?” I whispered in shock. “What on earth……..?” I looked at the bed across from mine. There was my sister, tied to the headboard like I was, except her feet were bound to.
“Any idea as to
what’s going on?”
“No. All I know is we seem to have
fallen into the hands of some genius psychopath.” I rolled my eyes.
My sister had a talent for sarcasm at the worst of times. She must
have expected it, for she said,
“Well, I think we can be fairly certain that he’s a psychopath” she fidgeted, trying to get a little more comfortable. I tried to get comfortable myself, but it’s virtually impossible when your hands are tied above your head, and in my sister’s case your feet are bound too.
“Why were you so surprised to see me?” she asked, so I told her all about the mannequin, and how I thought it had been her Well, I told almost all. I decided to wait to tell her about the brand. I looked down at my hand that I kept closed. It would be explained later. .
“Wow” was her only comment. She might have said more, but footsteps sounded in the hall, and a door opened and the room was flooded with light. We both gasped, and for a little bit I was seeing spots dance before my eyes.
“Glad to see you awake” said a voice.
End of chapter
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Wow, this feels.. Realistically real.. Haha..
So, here comes my review
The story leaves a great impression for me.
You put a "joke" in a dire situation which explains her sister's character and i think the main character's job will be useful in the future chapters...
But i think you can explain more about how the mannequin moves. I mean, it's a mannequin, but... Did it moves like a human or did it moves like a possessed doll?
Overall, i like the story, but don't forget to add the mystery/horror tag... So i won't read this at night... (LOL)
Hey! Sky here for a review. In the red are changes I would make or grammar changes.
Move this to the next paragraph before the quote.
During the course of the story, I feel like the style it was written in changed. It might be just me though. Overall it was really good. It was pretty interesting and kind of creepy. There could probably be some more suspense. The way you portrayed a lot of the fear was a bit... not scary? I don't really know how to explain it, sorry, but it just could have some more heart racing things in it. I really have no other comments to make about this. These were all suggestions so you don't have to listen to me. Keep writing.
I hope this review is helpful
~Sky
Just my little bit, I think it would be a good idea also to split up the pragraphs a bit, as a reader I know I always get discouraged when I see dozens of long paragraphs. Cut them up a to make it more interesting, and easier to understand. Don't know if that helps, but that's my two cents
-Caroline
Just my little bit, I think it would be a good idea also to split up the pragraphs a bit, as a reader I know I always get discouraged when I see dozens of long paragraphs. Cut them up a to make it more interesting, and easier to understand. Don't know if that helps, but that's my two cents
-Caroline
I've been meaning to drop a review here ever since I saw this and now I have time to to do it
Plot: Okay, this was an intriguing beginning. Why were the two kidnapped? Who was the kidnapper? But I felt as though the tension wasn't build up well. The scene feels rushed, rather dream-like. I suppose the MC was scared and all, but then I wasn't scared at all. I suspect that this is partly caused by sentence length. They're kind of drawn-out in the scene. Slight choppiness could help, but please take it with a grain of salt as I'm not an experienced reviewer.
Characters: I honestly didn't really get so acquainted with either sister. I was just thrown into the action, and though I was worried for them, I wasn't attached to them as much I would have liked. This may be because it's the first chapter, but then it is a good idea to establish a strong bond between reader and character.
Setting: Obviously a fantasy world is waiting for me, so I don't have too much to say about this. But I feel as if the beginning's too rushed in my opinion. I've hardly got enough time to know the MC. Okay, maybe a slow beginning is boring, but this went too fast for my liking.
I feel as if some of your paragraphs are simply too long. Try breaking it up and it will be easier for me to digest. The voice of your MC is quite strong here, and the plot itself, if slightly creepy, is truly fascinating. I hope this review was neither too harsh nor unhelpful, and keep writing!