“You’re standing,” Carris blurted out in surprise.
Sandra, who was pouring a second mug of tea by the table, gave Carris a side eye, but Olander and the old man paid no mind.
“As are you,” the old man said with a hint of a smile.
“Well, now that we’ve stated the obvious,” Olander said, stepping past Carris, “I should look at you sir. Tell me your story.”
The old man shook his head. “I don’t have time for examinations. I must eat and leave this village at once.”
“Why?” Carris asked. “You just came stumbling out of the woods like a wild mountain man.”
The old man chuckled. “I have no doubt that I looked like a madman.” His gaze turned solemn. “I must get back to Thessapon as quickly as I can. Is there a regiment stationed here, or someone whom I could borrow a horse from?”
Olander shook his head. “There is no regiment, and you shouldn’t be riding until I can make sure you are fit enough to ride. Firstly, how about you tell us your name, and how long have you been in the woods?”
The old man nodded. This was not an argument he would win. “My name is Kenway. I’m a scribe and scholar. I have been in the woods for something like a week. And I must get back to Thessapon.”
“You stumbled through the woods from Thessapon?” Sandra asked, handing a mug of tea to Carris, whose stomach growled for a lot more than hot herbal water.
Kenway shook his head. “I should start from farther back. My friend Reginald and I were on a trek to study a strange architectural discovery in the Flatheads.”
“The Flatheads? That’s madness in this weather man!” Olander nearly shouted.
Kenway took a sip from his tea and continued. “I am aware of the consensus, but we could not wait until spring. And we did find something.”
“What?” Carris asked.
“I’m not sure. Some sort of old statue and literature. Symbols, elements, it was all so strange. But an avalanche washed me away.”
“You mean us, right?” Carris asked. “Your friend was with you.”
Kenway blinked twice and looked back into the fire. “I am afraid he was consumed by it. I was half-buried and carried down the mountain. I have been wandering for days, and by fate I have found your village this morning.”
He went silent, and so did the whole room. The Flatheads were said to be unforgiving, and it seemed they lived up to their reputation. Olander spoke next.
“That is a fate I would not wish on anyone, but it is all the more reason to make sure you are fit to travel. If you have been wholly truthful, why must you return to Thessapon so quickly?”
Kenway looked back up, a new resolve on his face. His jaw was tightened. “Because I don’t think it was natural. And if there is an answer to those runes, it will be in my library in the Red Keep.”
“What did these runes look like?” asked Carris.
“This is hardly the time,” Sandra said, but Kenway answered before she could finish her thought.
“Strange. There were symbols of elements. A sword, a wave, fire and so on. There was even a forge for a blade. And it was such an old rock.” Here his voice faded. “My old eyes may have deceived me, but I believe to have seen a figure up there, shaped grotesquely and animalistic in form.”
Carris leaned in. It was all so fantastical. The Agressi mountains were old and full of mysteries, caverns, cliffs and dangers that would have most fearing for their lives. But there was weight behind Kenway’s words. He spoke with conviction and worry. An avalanche was a natural phenomenon, but this figure must’ve been something more.
Olander clapped his hands together. “This is all well and good. But you have been alone, freezing, in the woods for weeks. How are we to verify anything that you have said? How do we know you are even a scholar?”
Kenway sat the cup on the hearth with a clink. “You do not. And it is understandable for a village this secluded to be skeptical. I must get to Thessapon, and I would like to do so immediately. I propose a compromise: I will let you satisfy your medical curiosity, and in exchange you ride with me to Thessapon.”
Olander laughed. “I cannot leave my village for weeks.”
Kenway sighed. “Then I will be on my way. I must purchase some provisions and hope to catch a carriage along the way at some point. If you would be so kind as to point me in the direction or your local tavern or market, I will be out of your hair and your home.”
Olander and Sandra seemed baffled that this man was so sure and ready to leave despite being famished and exhausted. But whatever the reasons, Carris could tell that it showed the importance of what he was doing. This was a serious matter, even if she didn’t understand why. Maybe, one day, she would be involved in something that important.
“I’ll take him.”
“You absolutely will not!” Sandra sputtered over the words. Olander said nothing, and neither did Kenway. It seemed that they knew better than to get in the way of Sandra.
“I can ensure that you get your horse back. I can pay you as a guarantee. You pay me the money back when I return.”
Olander’s brow furrowed and he pulled Carris to the side, turning his back to Kenway. He spoke in a low voice. “We don’t even know if he is who he says he is. He came stumbling out of the woods!”
“Then let me find out.”
“No. Out of the question. You should stay here with your mother. A little girl like you should not be traipsing off with an old stranger. If he is lying, there will be no one to protect you.”
Kenway stepped forward. “If I may: the last thing I want is to cause trouble. I need to get back. I will find my way, rest assured. But if you will not allow me to use your horses, could I ask, at the very least, for some provisions to set me on my way? I have nothing but the clothes on my back.”
“That, we can do,” Olander said. “But I insist that you spend one night here to recover your strength. I can put together some provisions from the town. We’ll find a place for you to spend the night.”
“Hold on,” Carris said. “I am offering to take him. What do you think, sir?”
Kenway didn’t get a chance to answer before Sandra was interjecting. “This is not a discussion, child. You are not fit to make this decision.”
Carris scoffed. “I have been making the decisions for us for a long time, but now I am a child once more? This is unfair. I have good money, and I can spend it as I like.”
Sandra’s face flushed red at that. “While you are under my roof you will do no such thing!”
“Then it’s a good thing you banished me last night!” Carris snapped. She brushed past Olander, snatched her glass jar of coins from beneath her bed as Kenway watched with apprehensiveness. Sandra blocked her path as she turned to leave.
Sandra had her hands on her hips and her eyes narrowed. “Yong lady, you will not speak to me like that. Apologize to these men, this instant!”
Carris laughed, her head lolling on her shoulders. “I will not. What I said was true.” She turned back to Kenway, unsure of where such impetuous confidence was coming from, but leaning into it for all she could get out of it.
“Are you coming?”
Kenway’s wide eyes looked between Carris and Sandra. It seemed he was not often involved in such passionate conversation. Carris huffed and he snapped out of his trance.
“My lady, as much as I do not wish to stand in between you and your daughter’s wellbeing, I must get to my library with haste, and if this is the means, I find it of much more importance to the country, than the tranquility of your family, to oblige her.”
Carris, Sandra, and Olander all stared at him with blank expressions.
“It means yes,” he said, motioning to Carris.
She smiled wide, her heart beating wildly, but tried to remain composed. “Good,” she said, and pushed past her stunned mother.
She reached for the door handle, and as she did, Kenway followed. Sandra clicked her tongue as Carris unlatched the door.
“If you walk out on me now, I will disown you. You will never be welcome here again,” Sandra spat out.
Carris hesitated, hand still on the latch. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply once. “I know, mother.”
And with that she walked out, heart pounding strongly enough to break her very frame. She didn’t look back, hoping that Kenway followed her, and headed straight for the square. She went past the tower, past Olander’s big house, and straight for the small stable on the other end. The stable hand wasn’t keen to sell horsed while Master Weathers was away, but a few extra coins convinced him to let them borrow the horses with the promise that Carris would return them before Weathers returned in a month’s time.
A few villagers peered out, unsure of why she was walking with a strange old man in the middle of winter with two horses, but she tried to pay them no mind. The way out of town led them through the thickest part of the village, where huts and houses lined both sides of a broken cobblestone pathway. As they neared the far end they passed by Gwyn’s house. There was movement inside the house. Carris kept walking. Everything in her told her to go speak to Gwyn, to maybe even ask her to come with her. After all, Gwyn was always the one to say they should go exploring. She had encouraged Carris to do so. She would understand. And Malcolm did not want to see her. There was nothing left for her here. There had hardly ever been anything for her here anyway.
“I spoke the truth about you returning,” Kenway said.
Carris glared at him. “You heard what my mother said. I’m not welcome back here. I’m coming with you.”
“I don’t have time to argue with a child,” he said, sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Then you should let me come with you. I will not be a burden. But I cannot stay here.”
“You are quite the mouthy child.”
“I may be mouthy, but I am not a child,” Carris retorted, pulling her jacket tight.
“And you are sure that you will not regret leaving? Do you have family in Thessapon?”
“I have no one,” Carris said, looking at the ground.
She was already regretting her actions. She could turn back, she supposed. No. Her pride would not allow that. But what was she doing? She had enough money for a few days. She had no friends, no plans, no knowledge of where she was going. She could not go back though. She kept telling herself that as they began to put distance between them and Potter’s Creek. Her mother had caused this. Had thrown her out. Malcolm had pushed her away. This was her last resort. Gwyn would understand, wouldn’t she? She steeled her mind as best she could, but she could not get Gwyn’s face out of her mind. She was abandoning her.
“Tell me of your journey to the Flatheads.”
Kenway shook his head. I have no time. We ride for Thessapon now.” He mounted his horse and looked down on Carris. “If you can keep up, you’ll have earned yourself a story tonight.”
He spurred on his horse. Carris threw herself onto her own and took off at him, the cold wind whipping her beige hand and reddening her ruddy cheeks.
This was the start of a new life. Maybe this one would go better.
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135,861 Literary Works • 671,769 Reviews
Review day has ended, but alas! You're not about to get rid of me yet, hahaha. Some more things that jumped out at me...
Okay okay okay but WHAT IS SHE THINKING??? Like. What does she think about this man? Does she like him? What kind of impression is he giving? Is she looking over him in amazement for his miraculous recovery? Is she giving a side glance to see what Olander or her mother are thinking? Like, what is going through her mind???
Right now, as you have it written, when she finally steps out and volunteer, it seems a bit wtf. So lay down the groundwork HERE so that it makes sense. Perhaps she sees him as a survivor. Then, when he tells his story about how he lost his friend, she feels a kinship with him because she feels like she understands what he means because of her recent fall out with Mal. He understands what it means to survive and to go on, even when everyone else is gone; so does she.
That's just me pulling things out of the air... right now it's not clear why she assents. But set up the groundwork! Make us understand her thoughts!
You also need to savor this moment and let us see her thoughts. This is the moment where, instead of being batted around by abusive people who don't care, she makes a decision to leave her life and follow this man. Let us know what she is thinking!
When she says, "I'll take him" does she blurt it out without thinking, only to realize the enormity of those thoughts? Does she think, "Wait. No, I want to be involved in something important" when she thinks, "Maybe one day she'll be involved in something that important" and decide to make a stand that she does? Or is something else going through her brain?
Whatever it is, let us know!!! This is one of the most important scenes in the book!
What would be even more cool is if she turned to Olander and showed him the bruises again, and was like, "She gave those to me when she threw me out!" And all the other guys look at Sandra with judgment, lol.
Why is he arguing with her? I mean, she's doing him a favor... I mean. Instead of insulting her, if he wanted her to stay as a child, he could try to persuade her instead? Like, maybe something like:
"You know, she doesn't mean what she says. Mothers can be like that sometimes. You can always go back now."
Something like that, maybe?
Anyway, just a couple of ideas!
Hello, Mess! I am here to review your work once again. I’ve been using speech-to-text to help me get my ideas across, so hopefully I get slightly better at providing good feedback this time around. This chapter starts with an immediate segue to the last one, with the guy they rescued in the forest now revealing himself as Kenway - a name i like, although it does remind me a little bit of a bicycle brand for some reason, tells everyone that he’s here because he was investigating something in the flatheads, which, although it wasn’t mentioned earlier, judging by Olander’s reaction, it’s not a place someone should be voluntarily, especially in the winter. And of course, because it would be way too simple for the plot to be solved right then he gets hit by an avalanche and brought down here. Naturally, Kenway is suspicious, but Carris, whom i’m assuming is well-read and fascinated with those areas of mythos, is captivated and questions him further, wherein he reveals that he saw symbols. Olander, being older and wiser, is naturally suspicious, and here once again I need to comment on how well you’ve positioned each character with their own traits and speaking styles. Kenway sounds appropriately grandiose and wise as a scholar, oleander is naturally suspicious, and Carris, being young and interested in those myths, is of course wanting to go further, which then leads her to volunteer to help get Kenway to Thessapon, where his library is. This is a good way to set up the action, because there’s absolutely no way that ride is going to go smoothly at all, and naturally, sandra objects, being the mother, but Carris is already 110% done with her and fires back quips, utilizing her own banishment as justification for her own decisions. A good move again, and it does make her seem a lot more relatable, because who hasn’t done that before while arguing with someone? Kenway naturally agrees, and so Carris takes that leap of faith and walks out the door even with her mother’s threat of banishment, being so furious (understandably). Kenway is initially skeptical of her abilities because she is a young woman, but she promises to come with him, and keep up, even with her guilt of abandoning Gwyn. But this is her story, and she wants to move on, so she does because she is completely done with this town. And that, really, is a pretty good reason, if it is only her own pride and refusal to look back carrying her. Hopefully nothing happens bad next….
I like the transition from the previous chapter to this one. The previous chapter was about a group of military men travelling through a desert. Here, we're in a small town surrounded by woods. Two very different settings, but both also clearly in winter time. That gives the impression of a vast, inter-connected world. Together with the mention of different towns, different myths, different legends -- you have a lot of world building going on, and I love it. It reminds me a lot of Wheel of Time. In those novels, Robert Jordan frequently just mentions towns and names -- not so much to expand upon them, but more so to give the reader an impression of a living world.
But, the world-building is always just going to be background noise. It informs the story itself, and you do a good job of that here. It feels like there's real weight to Kenway's entrance into the story, and his desire to keep moving as fast as possible is very clearly conveyed. I also feel the tension between Carris and Sandra, and the impulsiveness of Carris' decision gives actual weight to her character. From this point, what I'd expect going forward is a Kenway who's hurriedly trying to make it back to Thessapon, and a Carris who is naive, prone to sudden decision making, and is often just as much a hindrance as a help. Given Kenway's lack of concern for Carris' departure from her family, I'd also expect him to be at least initially dismissive of her safety. In fact, now that I'm thinking about it, I can't help but wonder if his previous companion was a victim of earlier such dismissiveness on his part.
A couple items I think could be improved upon are pacing and scenery descriptions, and one could assist the other. Carris is leaving during winter, but that doesn't seem to be a factor in anyone's concerns. Referring to the bitterness of the cold air, how the sun shines but gives no warmth, etc, could help pace it better while giving the reader more context about perilous the journey is going to be.
I also think more time should pass. Carris simply leaves. There's no packing, or preparation, which is not believable for a journey anytime of the year. I think it would work out better if Kenway initially goes on without her, but then she steals away in the middle of the night and catches up with him. Or, he stays in town for one night, and Carris meets him in the morning with her bags packed. It doesn't need to be a lot, but right now, she goes from enjoying tea to embarking on an epic journey in a very short period of time. It gives the impression she's not just impulsive, but extraordinarily reckless as well -- causing me to wonder why Kenway would accept..
However, I am enjoying it so far, and looking forward to the next chapter. The world building is great, and the characters are well-drawn.
they are actually on the same continent so I may need to remind everyone a little more of how cold it is in chapter 5 xD different biomes but still cold.
as for Kenway and Carris I would like to see if your thoughts are the same after reading the first few chapeters? It may give you enough context for their actions but id be curious if your thoughts remain the same
Once I'm done making my way through the newly posted chapters, I'll definitely go back and read the first four!