Watching someone riding a horse had always been so inspiring. The strength of the horse, the agility of the rider, and the drumming of hooves pawing up the ground was enough to stir the idlest heart. As a child, Devlin had wondered if one day he would be rich enough to own his own. In Farhjura there were many riding animals, such as the camel and afex, a smaller, grey pack beast that had a bad attitude across all sub-species. But the horse reigned supreme in majesty. Its glimmering coat and flowing mane, matched with its breathtaking speed and incredible stamina in the desert made it the beast of the richest, most noble and powerful men and women in the land.
And then the Astorian knights had arrived on the Farhjuran coastline, and what was once a sign of nobility and majesty changed to fear and rulership.
“Please tell me you haven’t fallen asleep again,” Gobi said. He was sauntering up to Devlin, Karim in tow.
Devlin was slumped up against a rather large rock beside the road, his horse grazing a few feet away on what little there was to forage. On the other side of the road the battalion had begun to set up camp for the night. Red and white tents littered the plane, and soon dozens of fires would be spiraling as dinner preparations were made. Back at the Royal City the mess halls provided most meals, but on the road every man carried rations and was responsible for their own meals.
Devlin shook his head, looking out over this side of the road that was nothing but an empty field, speckled with snow and small shrubs.
“Just thinking of back home.”
“No time for that. We’ll be getting into the mountains soon, and I’m not sure we’ll have any more time to practice riding before then.”
Devlin chuckled as he stood. “Since when are you the serious one?”
“Because right now, I’m not your friend, I’m your tutor. What would Bera-Thuin think if I did not take this most sacred duty seriously?” Gobi hunched over and wagged a finger at Devlin. He spoke in a decrepit, old-man voice. “If you are going to waste my time, I might as well drop dead now.”
“He never said that!” Devlin laughed.
“He did to me.”
“Well maybe you were wasting his time. Some of us respected his teachings.”
“I respected him. Besides, who ended up being better at reading, running, and riding?”
Devlin furrowed his brows. “I know. It’s a cruel joke the world played on me, that you should pay so little attention, yet be so talented.”
“I think you should find yourself grateful. If not for me, no one here would be willing to help you.”
Devlin rubbed the back of his neck and mounted his horse. “And sometimes, I really wish that was the case.”
He gripped the reins and waited for Gobi to mount Karim. He felt his mare beneath him. She was a strong horse, sturdy and full of energy. She didn’t like to sit still, especially when mounted with a rider. She was a young horse, and like most youths, she was ready to run, even if it meant being out of control.
Gobi began to teach. “First off, let’s focus on your reins. You’re gripping them a bit tight. What have we said about that?”
“’We’ haven’t said anything about it, but you have pointed it out every day,” Devlin said.
He tried to relax his grip, looping his reins through his thumbs.
“I want you to be able to guide your horse with your legs. If you focus too much on the reins, two things will happen. You’ll lose every tug-of-war with a beast many times your weight, and your legs will flop about, giving her a confusing assortment of commands. She wants to know what you expect of her. That means that you need to give her confident and clear commands.”
Devlin nodded, concentrating on keeping his legs up against the sides of his horse, without pressing them too tightly.
“Now, take your feet out of your stirrups. The best way to focus on your leg control is to take away your other options. Focus on maintaining your upright position, then slowly sinking into your saddle as you lean forward.”
Devlin began to follow instructions. The horse began to shuffle as he practiced. In response his instinct was to clutch the reins and pull on the bit, which caused more problems as she tugged down, pulling Devlin out of his seat. He huffed and reset himself. He expected Gobi’s witty remarks, but surprisingly, he said nothing. His eyes were intently watching. It was a rare sight to see Gobi so focused, but when there was something he cared about, he was as good as anybody at concentrating.
Devlin took a deep breath and straightened his back. He clenched his abdominal muscles and did his best to maintain a steady seat without pulling the reins. His horse settled and he began to sink into the second position again, essentially hugging her around her neck with his hands nearly to her ears. He could feel the muscles in her neck, the rumble of her breathing and the power in her head.
“Good,” Gobi said. He had one leg crossed over his pommel, his reins sitting loosely in his lap. Karim paid no mind, head down in the dead grass, rooting for a bit to eat. “Now ease back up to position one.”
Devlin stayed taut, sliding back and up into his position, his feet wobbling on the flanks of the horse. He sured himself and straightened up.
Gobi clapped softly. “Nicely done. Give me five more.”
Five repetitions later, the sun was descending at its hurried pace. “Should we get to riding while there’s still some daylight?” Devlin asked.
Gobi nodded. “Yes. Let’s see some eights, and then maybe get into your trot.”
Devlin nodded, gripping the reins. He gave what he thought was a reasonable nudge to the horse’s side, but she didn’t seem to notice. He did it again, harder this time, and she took one step forward. He kicked her harder and she took another.
“She’s a bit stubborn,” Devlin said.
“Sounds like she’ll get along with you just fine then,” Gobi said. “She’s getting used to you. She’s learning about you as much as you are about her. You’ve barely ridden her. She’s like any woman. She’s not interested in being by your side until she knows she’s safe and comfortable with you.”
“So, I need to woo my horse,” Devlin said. He held the reins close to his pommel. Focusing on staying tall in the saddle.
“Widen your grip,” Gobi instructed. “Your hands should remain off your pommel and the horse. Remember, you should be guiding her with your legs. She’s a smart beauty.. You’ll ride lightly, and she’ll run freely. Trust me, there’s no better feeling than galloping through a field with the wind in your face.”
“Aren’t you quite the romantic,” Devlin teased. He was turning, focusing on his leg pressure. He overdid it, and his horse began to turn sharply. He then over-corrected, and suddenly the eight-shaped figure turned into some drivel from a spilled ink bottle. Gobi laughed.
“It’s alright. Settle her and try again. We really do need a name. We can’t just keep calling her a horse.”
Devlin said nothing, focusing on making his turns better this time. Round and round they went, until Gobi called for a pause.
“I think that’s enough for today. Let’s get her running. The way you’ve been meandering this whole journey, she’s practically chomping at the bit to run.”
“And to toss me,” Devlin said.
“If you were her, you might feel the same. Now, boots in stirrup.”
Devlin frowned. “Then what was the point of all that?”
“Always practice harder than you need to perform. Don’t you remember anything Bera taught?” Gobi said, shaking his head like a disappointed tutor. Then in a more serious tone: “
Now, ride, trot first.”
Devlin gave a most serious salute and nudged his mare. She responded quicker this time. He kept his feet stiff in the stirrups. As she walked forward, he gave a stronger squeeze with his legs. He smiled when she picked up speed. Soon they were trotting at a diagonal, kicking up snow and mud. Devlin did not find it very comfortable. It felt like being a die bounced around a cup at a gambling table. But he noticed that as they had practiced balance and posture, he was able to stay steady in the saddle, letting her churn up the earth beneath them.
He couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face. He squeezed tighter and the mare gained more speed. She began to canter. Now they were really moving. The cold wind whipped Devlin’s face, and he bounced around in the saddle, doing his best to stay straight. From Gobi’s view, he probably looked like a sailor stepping onto dry land for the first time in months, swaying from side to side. But he stayed on, and that was good enough for him.
He guided rather than tugged the reins, and the mare turned in kind. A minute later they pulled up beside Gobi, coming to a somewhat unceremonious stop as Devlin realized they wouldn’t stop in time and tugged tighter than needed on the reins. He rose out of his saddle but hung on and plopped back down with a wince and half-closed eyes.
Gobi was laughing, his bright eyes and pearly white teeth flashing in the setting sun’s glow. He clapped. “Not bad, Dev. I mean it. You don’t look all that composed, but you hung on, and you seem to be feeling the horse beneath you more.”
Devlin dismounted, his legs feeling a bit unstable. “Thanks, I think,” he said.
“Now, take her back, brush her down, and meet us by the fire. Soltoro is making dinner Amarro is helping.”
“You mean building the camp’s largest fire, just because he can?” Devlin said.
Gobi shrugged. “Something like that.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“I’m telling you; I saw a ghoul!” Amarro exclaimed, tossing another log on the already larger-than-necessary fire. It flung a whirlwind of sparks in the dark sky.
Soltoro laughed as he finished off his stew and placed his bowl on the ground beside the log he was sitting on. “I believe that you think you saw a ghoul.”
Amarro shot him a glare. “How would you know anyway? You never went on a hajj. Never even got out of the library.”
Soltoro shrugged. “I did spend much time in the library, and that is why I say you experienced nothing but delusions.”
“Delusions?”
“Yes. Caused from too much time in the heat. It plays funny tricks on a man,”
Gobi chuckled. “What do you say, Dev? You went on a hajj.”
Devlin looked into the flames, thinking back to his journey among the ancient places in Farhjura. “I think that Amarro is sure that he saw a ghoul.”
Soltoro seemed disappointed. “That isn’t an answer. Did you see a ghoul yourself?"
“I saw many things. Ancient ruins, empty tombs, manuscripts and drawings that I could not discern.”
“But isn’t the point to become a man? To learn our history and preserve our ways of life?” Gobi said. He seemed annoyed. He was always one for adventure, but he had never been able to leave his hometown to take his own hajj.
Devlin shrugged. “I learned that many in our land are holding onto myths from a thousand years ago. Clinging to spirits that never existed, and if they did, died off long ago.”
“Spirits, like a ghoul?” Soltoro inquired, leaning forward.
“No. You know the history of the Ensurri?”
“The magical beings that controlled the world?”
“Not the world, but more so the skies and the land. They brought forth rain, they grew plants, taught our ancestors fire,” Devlin said.
“And we are eternally grateful for that,” Amarro chimed in with a wide grin. “But the Ensurri are just a story to explain all the things that we don’t have the answers to. It is an excuse made by our ancestors to blame why we have lived in such a dry and barren place for so long.”
Gobi disagreed. “Farhjura is dry, yes, but it is so far from barren. The animals that adapt and survive in the sand, the plants that are resilient to the heat, the oasis’ that shine ever bluer against the dusty backdrops, all these things hold beauty and wonder. It certainly holds as much wonder as this land does. Look at it, frozen and lifeless.”
Amarro shook his head. “Ah, but that’s where you are wrong. In the spring, these fields will turn green. The animals will come out of their burrows, and the sun will shine for months on end. There will be rain and a spring full of flowers and growth from coast to coast.” He tossed a stick in the fire with some frustration. “Farhjura will remain as hot and sandy as it has since before your make-believe Ensurri roamed it’s deserts.”
Soltoro jumped back in. “But they weren’t always deserts! Did you learn nothing on your journey? The Ensurri blessed our lands with rain and flowers and wildlife. But there was usurper who chased them away, out of our lands, and in retaliation they took those elements from us!”
“So, they say,” Devlin said. All eyes turned to him. “I saw the paintings; I read the old tablets that have survived a millennium. Those stories were held to be true long ago, but I’d sooner believe in a ghoul than in the Ensurri.”
“And why is that?” Gobi asked.
“Because, when I was out in those places, I saw the history of our smiths which is passed on to this day, saw the burial sites and ruins of older civilizations, and in the moments closest to death, I saw things I could not explain. Shapes in the fire at night, shadows on the walls in the tombs, distant figures on dune peaks and mirages of water and green valleys. Never in my time did I see any sign of an Ensurri. No landmarks, statues, old manuscripts even.”
“Then why do the myths still live? Why do our fathers and forefathers believe of their existence?” Gobi asked, inquisitive but not hostile.
“Because,” Devlin said, rising to his feet, “most do not have the courage to stand on their own two feet and make their own path.”
“There is wisdom to be found in the elders,” Soltoro said.
“Yes. And there is also wisdom to be found in other parts of this big world.”
“None of this proves me wrong,” Amarro said, lightening the mood.
Soltoro smirked. “I suppose it does not. What did this ghoul look like?”
Amarro stuttered, his mouth gaping open as he searched for words. His hands made gestures like he was speaking, but he made no noise. Gobi began to laugh, which irritated Amarro, and his face turned red, not just from the fire.
“It was like a shadow,” he blurted out at last.
Soltoro did his best to not laugh, looking down his long nose at Amarro. “In that case you should look behind you, because the most enormous and ghastly ghoul is prancing at your heels.”
Gobi snorted at that. Devlin watched on with bemusement.
“It wasn’t just a shadow,” Amarro bellowed. “It was quick. It moved along the walls, the ceiling, and disappeared at random! And it followed me for months at a time.”
Devlin’s eyebrows were raised. He wasn’t sure what Amarro had seen, and if it had been real, but he spoke with enough conviction for the four of them. Gobi had given up and was on his side laughing. Soltoro was fighting back a smirk with every last ounce of self-control he had, and Amarro looked ready to run through a stone wall.
“You know what?” Devlin said. “I saw something similar. I saw many strange sights. I would swear to my grave that someone tampered with my travel sack as I slept.”
“Is that true?” Soltoro asked, his smirk dropping.
“Oh! Come now! When Devlin speaks it’s the most rational things you’ve heard all day, but when I do it’s like a child covering up a lie to his mother?”
Gobi stopped laughing quickly enough to say, “pretty much.”
Devlin smacked him on the back of his head. “Travelling by yourself is very lonesome. Your mind is fighting to stay alert as much as your body is trying to stay upright. There is a reason it is the measure of a man in many of our villages. It is no small feat to visit all thirty-one places, and Amarro should be respected for completing it.”
Amarro calmed down at that, a bit surprised at Devlin’s sincerity. They were not enemies, but they often seemed to be on opposing sides of just about every argument the four of them had. He gave a nod of appreciation.
Devlin yawned and stretched, feeling his abdominal muscles scream at the move. “We’re miles away from home now, so unless ghouls travel for their own amusement, we should be safe here. I’m headed for bed.”
“Right,” Gobi said. “Just a day more to the base of the mountains. We’ll stop at an inn and supply depot for the night. Then it’s a day ride to a small village called Potter’s Creek, and two more days to Hoden’s Pass. Make a list of any provisions you need. Longshanks doesn’t want to waste any time at these places. Not sure what his rush is. The mountain isn’t going anywhere.”
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Okay, so back to what I was suggesting earlier... like if you wanted to condense this a bit and bring the coffee chapter into this chapter, you could totally throw the coffee joke here, hahaha.
In fact, I think it would flow better if you have them ride up to their camp, then segue to this scene, since Gobi was being adorable and suggesting that Dev actually treats his horse with respect. ^^ It would be good!
Okay, some more interiority might be good. He later kind of expands on these thoughts through dialogue, but I want to know his emotional response toward this. Is he bitter about this because if the gods were looking out for them, then why would they let his father be overtaken? Is he just... jaded because of course this is just stupid superstition? What sort of things did he encounter? What is he thinking about that gives context to his musings?
This is especially important because I am assuming that we get to see a mysterious shadow soon, lol. So I want to get a kind of preview on his soul how he thinks he might respond to it.
I also kind of wish that the ghoul wasn't just a strawman. I don't know about you, but when I'm telling ghost stories with a bunch of people, I would be more entranced and wonder maybe if it could be real.
...also. Going back to my suggestions regarding your prologue, I still maintain this would be a perfect place to introduce the idea of something mysterious in the mountain. Maybe something that one of the men tells them that one of the locals told them when they found out their destination.
Hey Messenger!
Starting a Chapter 5, but I'm going to do my best to read the rest of the chapters in order.
I think you do a great job with the first half of the story. You successfully combine some light-hearted banter between Gobi and Devlin, a horseriding tutorial, and world building all into one scene. I know nothing about horseback riding, but you give some great, vivid descriptions of it from the physical toll it takes on the body to specific instructions given to Devlin.
Then there's other small things you do too, like mentioning how the sun is hurrying down, which is a great description of the winter sun.
This paragraph right here in particular I think is perfect. You blend the action of riding with the characters thoughts, allowing us to get a better understanding of Devlin.
It's the second half of the chapter that I think needs work. It's always difficult to relay the history of a world to the reader -- at some point, it just begins to feel unnatural. Who says things like, "There is wisdom to be found in the elders"?
That being said, I wouldn't necessarily change the dialogue -- I think it sets up an important bit of world building. I also like the banter between the different characters. What I think would be good to do though is add in more vivid descriptions of what else is going on. What does the stew smell like? What does the cold of the night air feel against the heat of the fire? Stuff like that -- it just interrupts the exposition so it doesn't feel like an info dump.
Looking forward to reading the next chapter!
I actually cut out almost 600 words on the beginning after my 2nd draft so Im really happy to hear how well that part flowed.
Your thoughts on the 2nd half are very similar to what ive heard from others so I'll continue to workshop that scene.