z

Young Writers Society



Shaping Faith: Chapter 7, Part 1

by Mea


The man was silent as they walked through the corridors. The only thing Verona could glean from him was that his name was Egrand.

The corridors weren't much more interesting, a dull, uniform gray, with a checkered black-and-white tile patterned floor. From the absence of windows, Verona assumed they were underground. The corridors themselves were ramrod straight, broken only by other corridors or doors every few hundred feet. Although all the corridors looked the same, there were numbers on every door and signs all over, so at least she wouldn’t get lost.

It didn't take long to reach the examination room, and as it turned out, the examination wasn’t all that bad. She was questioned by Egrand and three others, who asked her about her interests and her background. They seemed to genuinely take an interest in her, telling her that these interviews were just a precaution and so they could get to know her. They all acted quite friendly, even Egrand, and over time Verona’s suspicions started to fade. After all, it made sense that they needed strict security. They didn’t exactly see eye-to-eye with the central government.

Verona’s timepiece had stopped working, so she couldn’t tell, but after what seemed like an hour, the questioning stopped. The committee withdrew to a small room to discuss her fate. Verona couldn’t help being forcibly reminded of the long minutes she had waited while the jury was out at her trial. Hopefully the verdict would be favorable this time around.

After a moment, the door opened and the committee exited. Verona waited with baited breath.

“Welcome to the Absolutes,” Egrand said. “You’re officially a Rookie.” He handed Verona a blue shirt and a pair of jeans. “Rookies wear blue. They’re the lowest rank. You’ll rank up over time, but for now all you need to know is that the folks with the green shirts are Coaches. They’ll be in charge of you until you learn the ropes. No matter what, you do what they say. Got it?”

Verona nodded.

“Then go get changed. There’s a bathroom right there, then someone will take you to your dorms,"

“Thank you,” Verona said, still hardly daring to believe she’d passed.

After getting changed, a guide took Verona to her room, which she could only distinguish by the number 412. Otherwise, it looked exactly the same as every other door.

“This will be your room for now.” the guide said. “On all your uniforms, there’s a patch on your sleeve here.” She tapped the light green, slightly stiff square on Verona’s sleeve, just above her wrist. So that’s what that is, Verona thought.

“Just flash it by this scanner, and the door will unlock,” he continued.

Verona did as he asked. The door gave a beep and she could hear the mechanism unlock

“By the way, everyone’s in there right now, since it’s almost curfew,” the guide said. “I’ll just leave you to meet everybody and settle in.”

“Wait, what?” Verona said. She didn’t want to have to meet people already! But it was too late – the door was already swinging open.  Let’s get this over with, Verona thought. She walked into the room, the conversation hushed, and all eyes turned to her.

There were only three people in the room – two girls and one boy - although there were enough bunks for a dozen or so. Verona’s eyes were immediately drawn to one of the girls. Tall and regal, she stretched out on one of the beds, looking bored. Her long blond hair spilled over the edge, and she looked to be about Verona’s age. Verona was instantly wary of her. A second girl sat cross-legged on another bed that was strewn with a few personal items. Small and slight, her presence was hardly noticeable compared to the other girl’s, and she looked to be around fifteen or sixteen. All three of them wore the same outfit.

But the boy, who also seemed to be about Verona’s age, spoke first. “What are you doing here?” he asked. He had been lounging against the wall across from the door, but now he stood up straight, alert and ready. Ready for what?

“I’m new,” Verona stammered. “They told me this was my room.” She wasn’t sure what to make of this blond-haired boy. He carried himself easily, and his tone wasn’t unfriendly, but there was an odd tension about him.

“Oh, finally, someone new!” the blond girl said. “It’s been way too long. Merea will finally have some company.”

“What do you mean?” Verona asked, confused.

“Oh, the other barracks are filled, so Merea here has to stay in this one all alone,” the girl said.

“We usually sleep in here to keep her company,” the boy explained.

“They let you do that?” Verona had expected them to be very strict.

“Technically, no. But we’re pretty sure they know, and they just turn a blind eye.” He relaxed back against the wall.

“Well, now that we’ve got her here to look after Merea, I’m going back to my dorm,” said the girl haughtily. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Kyle.” She grabbed the stuff she had brought with her and left.

“Sorry about her,” Kyle apologized. “She’d rather be with all her friends. But that reminds me, we forgot to introduce ourselves. I’m Kyle, the lady that just left in such a wonderful mood was Ashlynne and of course that’s Merea, my little sister.”

This took Verona by surprise. “I didn’t know they had families here,” she said, curious if there were many of them.

Kyle shook his head. “They don’t. We just came here together.”

The grim look on his face made Verona wonder if there was more to the story, but she decided not to pry. “I’m Verona.”

The dark-haired girl – Merea – spoke for the first time. “Wait, are you the Verona? The one who’s been on Rithanian news?”

Verona’s heart started pounding more rapidly. Did everyone here already know what she had done? How would they react? “Um, yeah. How did you know about me? I didn’t think it made interstellar news.”

“Oh, no, it didn’t. We don’t have access to much news here anyway. But I’m from Rithane too, and one of our guides showed me some of the footage of the trial,” Merea said brightly. “I think it’s amazing, what you did. You didn’t even seem to care about what they would do to you.” She stared across the room and let out a long sigh. “I wish I were that faithful,” she said, so quietly Verona wasn’t sure she had been supposed to hear.

Verona shifted her weight from one foot to another. She wasn’t so sure she was a great example of a follower of Nirvana’s justice. “It’s not like that,” she tried to defend herself, though she wasn’t sure what she was objecting to. “I wasn’t planning ahead, I was just angry. And it’s not like it worked anyway.” All I managed to do was ruin my life.

“So what?” Kyle said, folding his arms. “It was still brave. If more people had the gumption to stand up like that and fix things for themselves and fight for justice, half the problems with the Hundred Worlds would already be solved.” The intensity in his voice took Verona aback.

Mirea intervened quickly. “Well, that’s why we’re all here, isn’t it? We’re helping to fix it, one step at a time.”

"You're right," As quickly as it came, Kyle’s fury melted away. “Anyway,” he said, clapping his hands. “Let’s get you settled in.”

Since there was only Merea in the dorm with her, Verona got her pick of the bunks. She chose the bottom bunk by the door, next to Merea, but she didn't have anything of her own to mark it with. All she had were the clothes she was wearing - they had even taken her timepiece. She mentioned this to Merea, who showed her the storage compartments under the bed above her own. They were filled with clothes and other toiletries. Apparently, someone had delivered them about an hour ago. Now they knew why. Verona happily transferred the stuff to her bed.

At exactly eleven o' clock, the lights went out. Verona wanted to find out more about the base, but Kyle refused to keep talking.

"There'll be plenty of time for that tomorrow, and the Coaches can explain it better than I can anyway. Go to sleep!"

Verona obeyed, and for the first time in a long while, she slept peacefully.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
152 Reviews


Points: 1303
Reviews: 152

Donate
Sun Feb 28, 2016 3:42 am
ChimeraMania wrote a review...



Verona’s timepiece had stopped working, so she couldn’t tell, but after what seemed like an hour, the questioning stopped.

I read what Carlito said about clarifying this and a good way do that is to change it in this type of way.
'Verona felt like the questioning went of for an hour, but due her timepiece's loss of function, she couldn't tell.' OR 'Verona couldn't tell how long the questioning took because her timepiece stopped working, but it left like an hour before the questioning stopped.'
I know the last one is more of a mouth-full but you could add those to and come up with a wonderful alternate sentence.

"dorms," *make sure you use the right tense and/or form of the word.

I loved the length of this chapter. I hope you kept it this way. That was the only major thing I saw, Carlito pretty much got everything else, I'm guessing.




User avatar
440 Reviews


Points: 6836
Reviews: 440

Donate
Sun Oct 18, 2015 5:43 pm
View Likes
Wolfi wrote a review...



Hi! I'm almost all caught up, yay! I didn't find any nitpicks this time around, but just be sure to go over Carlito's excellent pointers.

Well, Verona appears to be fairly well-off. She was apprehensive about the Egrand guy (who has like the best name ever xD) but found that he wasn't all that bad. She was worrying about passing the test, but got through with flying colors. She was disappointed, to say the least, when she learned that she and Lani wouldn't be in contact much, but it seems like she'll have good friends in Kyle and Merea.

I really liked how you introduced the three new characters, already giving them some diverse personalities and foundations. Ashlynne - such cool names! - is unfriendly and selfish, but at least she's Verona's age; they could become friends down the line, I think. I'm guessing that Ashlynne and Kyle are friends, maybe even more than friends, and that's the only reason she's sacrificing her time to spend time with Kyle's lonely little sister. So far, I really like Marea, and I was happy to learn that Verona is staying with her, and not the other two. Marea's innocent, a tad star-struck, and in need of some company, making a partnership with Verona perfect. What I'd like to know is what color shirts these three people are wearing. I'm assuming blue, but perhaps Ashlynne or Kyle or even younger Marea have been there a little longer and they've moved up a rank.

"There'll be plenty of time for that tomorrow, and the Coaches can explain it better than I can anyway. Go to sleep!"

You never mention that Kyle goes to his own dorm to sleep, so does he actually stay with the two girls? I was under the impression that he and Ashlynne would just spend a little time with his sister and then leave before curfew.

The curfew is a nice touch, emphasizing the efficiency of the Absolutes' system. Everything is military-like: assigned sleeping areas, different uniforms (shirt colors) for different ranks, fancy badges, boot camp officers (coaches), and a regulated curfew. Everyone seems to be living simply, like soldiers, and don't own much beyond clothes and a toothbrush.

Keep up the great writing, You&novels! This was a very good chapter. :)




User avatar
1162 Reviews


Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162

Donate
Tue Oct 13, 2015 1:00 pm
View Likes
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello!! :D

General thoughts.
I enjoyed this scene more because things are starting to pick up again. I love meeting new characters! Although I'll be sad if we don't see Lani again. I'm a little surprised Verona isn't thinking about her more. I mean, Lani was her friend. Lani got her here and got injured in the process. Someone told Verona that Lani is okay, but Verona barely trusts these people yet. I'm a little surprised she hasn't asked to see Lani or that Lani hasn't come looking for Verona to make sure she's okay. I know Lani is busy, but I expected a little more.

I could use more from these new characters. Right now their personalities fall a little flat. Verona makes assumptions about them, but I feel like we don't know them yet. I don't understand why she immediately decided to be wary of the blond girl. Her personality didn't really come through enough for me to form any real opinions of her. The boy and the other girl are off to a good start development wise, and it's still early, but I would like more showing of emotions and actions so they start to feel like real people and not talking heads. You describe scenes and things really well, now apply that to people :) Go people watching or watch tv/movies and study the people and what they do. Study mannerisms, faces, body language, actions, that type of stuff and try to incorporate that into your writing.

You're also getting into the habit (and I know I'm guilty of this too) of ending chapters with these little cliff-hangers and then starting the next chapter with a "telling" recap of what happened in-between where the last scene left off and where this one is really going to "start". Or you start off with description to set the scene for what's about to happen. I'm not sure if this is a bad thing or not, it's just something to be aware of and something to experiment with when you go to write the next draft.

Specific things.

The man was silent as they walked through the corridors. The only thing Verona could glean from him was that his name was Egrand.

How did she "glean" this from him?

The corridors weren't much more interesting,

"much more" sounds a little clumsy to me. I think you could simplify this whole sentence and do, "The corridors were a dull,...."

Verona’s timepiece had stopped working, so she couldn’t tell, but after what seemed like an hour, the questioning stopped.

Can you simplify this so you don't need three commas?

The committee withdrew to a small room to discuss her fate. Verona couldn’t help being forcibly reminded of the long minutes she had waited while the jury was out at her trial. Hopefully the verdict would be favorable this time around.

I liked the reminder back to what's already happened to her.

“Thank you,” Verona said, still hardly daring to believe she’d passed.

I know this fear was mentioned earlier, but is there a specific reason why she fears she won't pass? Why wouldn't she pass?

“By the way, everyone’s in there right now, since it’s almost curfew,” the guide said. “I’ll just leave you to meet everybody and settle in.”

"Everybody" implies that she's going to have a lot of roommates but she really only has one. I know there will be multiple people in there when she comes in, but I thought other people weren't supposed to know that.

Verona was instantly wary of her.

Why? All we have right now is a physical description. No reason to be wary that I see.
I would also start a new paragraph after this line because you're changing focus to another character.

“Oh, finally, someone new!” the blond girl said. “It’s been way too long. Merea will finally have some company.”

Tone? This could give some insight into her personality and why we may need to be wary of her.

“They let you do that?” Verona had expected them to be very strict.

Who is "them"?

“Well, now that we’ve got her here to look after Merea, I’m going back to my dorm,” said the girl haughtily.

This line felt a little awkward to me. They don't know anything about Verona yet but she's like "well there's a new girl here to look after Merea. I'm out." To me, that either implies that she doesn't really care about Merea (because she could be leaving her with anybody) or her standards for trusting people is pretty low (which could be a good thing or a bad thing).

“Sorry about her,” Kyle apologized. “She’d rather be with all her friends. But that reminds me, we forgot to introduce ourselves. I’m Kyle, the lady that just left in such a wonderful mood was Ashlynne and of course that’s Merea, my little sister.”

This dialogue felt a little awkward to me, too. I still don't get an overwhelming rude vibe from her so I'm not sure why Kyle is apologizing for her. "She'd rather be with all her friends" just struck me as a weird thing to say. And then the transition to the introductions felt a little forced.

Kyle shook his head. “They don’t. We just came here together.”

The grim look on his face made Verona wonder if there was more to the story, but she decided not to pry.

Looooove the back story Easter egg! Can't wait to learn more about their story! :D

I didn’t think it made interstellar news.”

“Oh, no, it didn’t.

How do they know they're talking about the same "it"?

If more people had the gumption to stand up like that and fix things for themselves and fight for justice,

Love that word choice :)

"You're right," As quickly as it came, Kyle’s fury melted away. “Anyway,” he said, clapping his hands. “Let’s get you settled in.”

He was angry? I didn't get that vibe - just that he was intense. So the "fury" surprised me a little.
And this transition felt awkward to me.

Kyle refused to keep talking.

"There'll be plenty of time for that tomorrow, and the Coaches can explain it better than I can anyway. Go to sleep!"
[/quote]
Thanks for not info-dumping a ton of information on us right away :)
And is Kyle staying with them?

I'll leave things there. Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! See you in the next part! (Almost caught up!! :D)





Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant